Unknown Illness

Whatever unknown illness I have is acting up again. Unknown whether it's rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, or celiac. Or it could be something else entirely.

Yesterday I was walking to my building and got extremely tired. When I got to my office, I had to sit down and try to regain some energy to work on my TA presentation. I came out of it when I started sweating.

Last night, I felt very tired around 10:30 or 11 pm, which is unusual for me lately because I've been going to sleep around 12:30. I slept well last night-- as in it didn't take me too long to fall asleep and I only woke up once-- but woke up feeling very tired with really sore ankles.

Today I've been tired all day. Doing my household chores was tiring. I'm sitting here writing this instead of working on my thousands of things to do, because I'm trying to gain enough energy to get to work.

I'm really frustrated with the healthcare system we have here. The rheumatology clinic in Fargo is STILL checking my referral. First of all, I don't even need a referral for my insurance. The referral is for their records only. Second of all, I was told it would take them 1-1.5 weeks to check my referral. It has now been over 3 weeks. So annoying. Maybe I'll keep my July appointment for Grand Forks rheumatology after all. >_<

Seriously, it should be illegal to make a patient wait this long to be told what is wrong with them. I had bloodwork done and I KNOW that there is something wrong with me. The tests show that I have a positive ANA and a borderline anti-nuclear test. I have SOME SORT of auto-immune disorder. Now they're making me wait obscene amounts of time to figure out WHICH ONE.

Meanwhile, I'm suffering from time to time whenever this thing flares up. I don't have the energy to exercise, which is something that I actually love doing. I don't have the energy to work on all my end-of semester craziness. All I feel like doing is lying on the couch and watching Moulin Rouge.

If I could just figure out what disease I actually have, I could start treatment for it. Instead, I'm stuck waiting. I wonder how many people die from an illness because of the obscene waiting times to get additional testing done.

My People

Ever since I've come here, I've struggled to find "my people." People who are like me. Becky is like me, but aside from her I haven't really met "my people."

Well, except for that one girl I saw a few times at the wellness center. We got into a conversation about our multiple injuries we got from going to the gym. But I haven't seen her since then, and that was a long time ago.

And as we all know, my department sucks. I had thought Tina was "my people," but my people wouldn't leak my secrets to others. It's her loss.

But Tim and his friends... they are "my people." I feel right at home with them. I can't stop laughing.

Tim invited me out last night with his friends. I wasn't sure if I would go or not, but Cameron talked me into it. I'm glad I went, because it was the best decision ever. First of all, the event was a "Suit Up Sunday," and we all wore our suits out to the bar. Um, yes!!

Tim and I sang many duets together throughout the course of the night. Layla, who was nice and offered me a ride home, was singing along to the radio with me when they played Evanescence, etc. Now THAT is what I'm talking about.

I REALLY LIKE these people. I wish they would adopt me into their group.

So I did all I could. Tim had mentioned wanting to watch Moulin Rouge, and I said I was all for it. I thought he had meant that night, so I texted him when I got home saying, "Boo! We didn't watch it!"

He said there were many more days to watch it. So I thanked him for inviting me out, and he said anytime; we would have to watch Moulin Rouge before he leaves.

Next, I friended Layla on Facebook. My attempts last time were thwarted I think because I didn't friend any of them. Taylor had friended me, but because he was being a little bitch and stopped talking to me after we hooked up, that was a dead end. Then there was Collin, who I would rather not talk to again because of his huge fucking ego. But maybe if I friend the girls, who are really the ones I think are "my people" anyway, I'll have a better chance of hanging out with them more.

Therefore I think it was a great idea that I ended up going last night. I still have feelings for Tim; I would be lying if I said I didn't. But because he is "my people," it's worth it to hang out with him as friends. Plus, I trust him not to take advantage of me. He could have last night, but he didn't. He could have at his party, but he also didn't. Solid.

Inner Darkness

You know, I was beginning to forget what this felt like. I feel afraid and alone. I feel very cold. I kind of just want to go chain-smoke a bunch of cigarettes. All I want is for some guy to come over and snuggle with me in bed. I want him to hold me and run his fingers through my hair and tell me that everything will be ok.

I want him to tell me, "Those thudding sounds mean nothing." "The police are not coming here to get you." "You don't have to be afraid, I'm here for you and I will not hurt you."

Yet that ain't gonna happen. I have nobody here.

Instead I will list the things I have learned about people, and how much I hate them all.

1. People make you think that they like you, and then you learn that they don't.
2. People make you trust them, and then they betray you.
3. People will tell your deep dark secrets to the world.
4. All people do is lie. People lie unwarranted, volunteering lies and falsehoods. People lie when you confront them with the truth. They would rather spend time arguing with you and denying things than tell you that you are right, there is a problem.
5. People make you feel loved and safe, and then they simply stop caring at the drop of a hat.
6. People are a bunch of horrible little shits, and I hate them.

Cause of Stress

I had an interesting thought just now after talking to my Mom on the phone. Where is my stress coming from?


I was telling her how much I hate my teaching job. If it weren't required for my tuition waiver and stipend, I would have already quit. Everything about it sucks.


"Don't let it stress you out," she told me. "You should try your best not to let anything stress you out. But if you do let something stress you out, it had better be something you really care about. Something like your schoolwork that matters for your career. Don't let something you don't care about stress you out."


This got me thinking. In the past I had been very stressed out by schoolwork. It started in middle school, got worse in high school, and plateaued in college as I worked on two degrees and two jobs all at once. Last semester, I was also very stressed out about schoolwork.


This semester, I have not been all that stressed about schoolwork. Ever since I learned that people are the most productive when they are happy, that has completely changed my outlook on the stress of schoolwork. I've tried to live every day like I'm still on vacation, and it seems to work very well.


So then, what is causing me stress?


The answer is obvious. People cause me more stress than schoolwork ever has. What am I always worrying about? My relationships with people. What am I always complaining about? My relationships with people. What continues to make me deeply sad and afraid? My relationships with people. I wouldn't have two blogs that discuss my unhappiness with people if that weren't the case.


I guess the reason for that is that people mean a lot to me. They always have. That's why it's so upsetting when friendships end. When other people mistreat me. When other people don't want to include me. I care so much about them, and they don't care back.


So according to my Mom's advice, allowing myself to stress out about other people is ok, because I really care about other people. But actually, I don't think it's ok. If I wasn't spending so much of my time and energy being stressed out about people, what could I do? How much happier would I be? How much more productive would I be as a result?


Here comes the problem: what to do about it? I've always been good at finding the problems, but I'm less good at figuring out solutions to them. I don't know.

One Giant Suck-fest

I'm so frustrated right now. Life for me just seems to be one giant suck-fest. Somebody's joke.


Some asshole stepped on my computer last night. Ray, Becky and I had gone to the bar with the intention of getting some work done there. Of course, we didn't get any work done, but that's alright. We had a good time with ourselves. I had my computer shut and in its case, partially underneath my seat. At one point, a huge group of guys stumbled into me. One of them must have stepped on my computer, completely cracking the screen and damaging the touch screen.


Even looking at it made me want to cry. Oh my god. It was horrible.


The good news is that it's covered under my Geek Squad protection. The bad news is that I'm computer-less for a month. AKA the rest of the semester.


More bad shit happened at the bar. We walked in there, and my department was there. Nobody had invited me, and nobody had invited Ray. They didn't ask us to sit with them. We were just like, "fuck that" and got our own table near the back of the bar.


Whatever. Obviously they do not like me very much. I don't even know why I bothered trying, given my track record with my departments at Penn State. This disproves Laura's theory that Penn State was the problem. Apparently, this problem will follow me around everywhere I go.


Then as we were leaving, I got hit on by a lesbian. Fucking hell.




I'm lucky that I have Ray and Becky. They were both there for me today. Ray took me to Starbucks for some coffee. Becky met us there. Then Becky took me to Best Buy about my computer, and then Target to return my cottage cheese.


Oh yeah, I'm eating a gluten free diet now. It's possible that all of my symptoms are from gluten intolerance. We'll see how that goes. Honestly a gluten intolerance would be better than the alternatives-- which would currently be rheumatoid arthritis or lupus. The rash actually improved a lot after my first day of gluten free, so it's highly possible that that's my problem.


Anyway, Becky and I went to the mall, where I got new athletic shoes. They are beautiful and purple and I love them. Then we both got makeovers at the Clinique section of Macy's. Becky was looking for new foundations and concealers. She told them to show me how to do eye shadow. It's funny because I'm pretty good at doing makeup BESIDES eye shadow. So it's about time I learned how to do it nicely. I got some new products too for my skin. That helped perk me up a bit.


Afterward, we went to Noodles for dinner. They made my pasta gluten free, but I'm kind of itching a little right now so maybe there was cross-contamination. Funny enough, we ran into Jerry while we were there. Jerry is also gluten intolerant. He and Becky got along pretty well too, which was nice. I was glad to see him.

HIMYM Finale (contains spoilers)

I have to comment on the HIMYM Finale. If you haven't watched it yet and are planning to, read no further.

I'm really conflicted about how I feel about the finale. On the one hand, it was the best it could have been. On the other hand, it was depressing and disheartening.

Let me tell you why it was the best it could have been. The ending made sense. If the Mother had been Ted's one true love, he would have met her a long time ago. He would not have met her in the last episode of the series. If the Mother had been Ted's one true love, maybe he would have mentioned how he had met Robin and been in love with her, but the Mother would have come into the picture in maybe the second or third season and would have blown his feelings for Robin out of the water. So the ending made sense, because the focus of the show had always been on Robin. It would not have done the Mother justice, as Ted's one true love, to have been met in the last episode of the series.

I thought that Ted and the Mother could work, because he had to let go of his feelings for Robin, and she had to let go of her feelings for her boyfriend that died young. But I guess they were only just second best for each other.

Also, it was a very realistic view of life. Of course Barney and Robin didn't last together. They were both freaking out before their wedding. Robin was even going to run away. That doesn't spell happily ever after in my book. Then, Robin begins to get feelings for Ted because he's taken and she can't have him anymore. Of course that meant that the gang fell apart.

That leads into why it was so depressing and disheartening. As someone who has had trouble keeping friends, the show gave me hope that no matter what happened, the five of them would always remain friends. That true friends do exist. That they won't miss the big moments. That they'll even continue to hang out together outside of the big moments. But I guess not. The pain of being around her ex-husband and the guy she loves because she can't have him was too much for Robin. Having children got in the way of Lily and Marshall hanging out with their friends.

It was also depressing and disheartening because some of us were hoping that HIMYM would show us how to finally get over the one that got away from us. It was supposed to show us that the one that got away from us, got away from us for a reason. The reason being that someone better would come along eventually who would blow the feelings out of the water for the one that got away. But that wasn't the case. Ted settles for second best, so that he can have children and not be alone.

But then you can argue that Robin and Ted would work out getting together later in life. The main problem was that she did not want to get married, and she did not want kids. Now that Ted has kids, that would take the pressure off of his relationship with Robin. I guess it shows that even if you meet the perfect person for you, it doesn't matter. The Mother was perfect for Ted, but it didn't matter in the end. He didn't want perfect, he wanted Robin.