Final Post

Alright, everyone. I have decided to end this blog.

While the purpose was supposed to be to figure out why people suck, I have not figured that out. But that is okay. I think the purpose became me trying to heal from everything that happened to me last summer.

I have definitely come a long way in that respect. I am still working on forgiving myself, but I'm close. Writing everything in my novel helped a lot. It showed me that I would have made exactly the same choices, if I had the chance of a do-over.

People do bad things because bad things happen to them. That is definitely true in my case. Spring 2013 was so shitty, that it fueled the fire of summer 2013. I made choices that I am not proud of, but I would not have done a single thing different.

I have forgiven myself for being taken advantage of. I am a nice person, and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have also forgiven myself for allowing myself to be emotionally abused by my boyfriend. He was the only one in my life who was treating me well at the time (well... at the beginning of our relationship), so I would have made all the same choices that I did.

The hardest part is trying to forgive myself for hurting Mara. She probably won't ever forgive me for what I did. I have to learn to be okay with that. I can't change it, and even if I could, I wouldn't.

To avoid making the same mistakes in the future, I need to be very careful with other people. Because people are often dishonest, it is very important to trust my instincts. If I don't like someone, that is ok.

I have learned that I just do not tolerate rude people. For awhile, I thought that maybe I took things too personally. I don't think that's it; rather, I can take criticism quite well. So long as the criticism is constructive. What pushes my buttons is when people are critical in a very rude way. Dislike.

Not only that, but communication was the major problem in the Mara situation. If my instinct tells me that my friend might like a guy who is hitting on me, I talk to them about it first. I am proud of myself for doing that. I don't want to step on people's toes.

The other thing is, I can't depend so much on other people for my happiness. I dated Ray because I was depending on him for happiness, and it was too much for him to handle. Happiness must come from within. Only then can relationships and friendships be healthy.

Right now, I have healthy friendships. I matter to those people, and they matter to me. I am happy with my life. My body is healthy and functional. I can exercise, strength train, and have sex to my heart's content, because I have no injuries. I am proud of myself for all my accomplishments in grad school so far; I have a lot of work ahead, but I can handle it. I get to travel all over the world in my field, which is great. I finally wrote a complete novel, which I had always wanted to do. I can continue to write as an outlet for my feelings. I'm going to work on viola as well. Next goal: trying to be a better performer. I am a good player, but I need to learn to be a better performer.

I am organically happy. To add to that happiness, I met a guy. Dane and I are both bouncing back from trauma in 2013, so it's going slow emotionally. The most important thing is that everything happens organically, not rushed, when it is meant to happen.

That is all. You can all go smoke now, if you smoke.