Final Post

Alright, everyone. I have decided to end this blog.

While the purpose was supposed to be to figure out why people suck, I have not figured that out. But that is okay. I think the purpose became me trying to heal from everything that happened to me last summer.

I have definitely come a long way in that respect. I am still working on forgiving myself, but I'm close. Writing everything in my novel helped a lot. It showed me that I would have made exactly the same choices, if I had the chance of a do-over.

People do bad things because bad things happen to them. That is definitely true in my case. Spring 2013 was so shitty, that it fueled the fire of summer 2013. I made choices that I am not proud of, but I would not have done a single thing different.

I have forgiven myself for being taken advantage of. I am a nice person, and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have also forgiven myself for allowing myself to be emotionally abused by my boyfriend. He was the only one in my life who was treating me well at the time (well... at the beginning of our relationship), so I would have made all the same choices that I did.

The hardest part is trying to forgive myself for hurting Mara. She probably won't ever forgive me for what I did. I have to learn to be okay with that. I can't change it, and even if I could, I wouldn't.

To avoid making the same mistakes in the future, I need to be very careful with other people. Because people are often dishonest, it is very important to trust my instincts. If I don't like someone, that is ok.

I have learned that I just do not tolerate rude people. For awhile, I thought that maybe I took things too personally. I don't think that's it; rather, I can take criticism quite well. So long as the criticism is constructive. What pushes my buttons is when people are critical in a very rude way. Dislike.

Not only that, but communication was the major problem in the Mara situation. If my instinct tells me that my friend might like a guy who is hitting on me, I talk to them about it first. I am proud of myself for doing that. I don't want to step on people's toes.

The other thing is, I can't depend so much on other people for my happiness. I dated Ray because I was depending on him for happiness, and it was too much for him to handle. Happiness must come from within. Only then can relationships and friendships be healthy.

Right now, I have healthy friendships. I matter to those people, and they matter to me. I am happy with my life. My body is healthy and functional. I can exercise, strength train, and have sex to my heart's content, because I have no injuries. I am proud of myself for all my accomplishments in grad school so far; I have a lot of work ahead, but I can handle it. I get to travel all over the world in my field, which is great. I finally wrote a complete novel, which I had always wanted to do. I can continue to write as an outlet for my feelings. I'm going to work on viola as well. Next goal: trying to be a better performer. I am a good player, but I need to learn to be a better performer.

I am organically happy. To add to that happiness, I met a guy. Dane and I are both bouncing back from trauma in 2013, so it's going slow emotionally. The most important thing is that everything happens organically, not rushed, when it is meant to happen.

That is all. You can all go smoke now, if you smoke.

The Quality of Life: 30 lbs Skinnier

A few days ago, I reached a new milestone in my weight loss: I am now 30 lbs thinner than I started last summer.

I have to say, my quality of life has improved drastically. Now, I don't just mean feeling healthier and stronger; I mean that the way men treat me is generally better than before.

Before, I would go out to bars and I would get hit on. Men would buy me drinks because they wanted to fuck me and have a one-night stand.

Now, I go to bars and I still get hit on. However, in addition to getting hit on as strictly a booty call, men buy me drinks now because they actually want to ask me out on dates. These men don't want to have sex with me right away because they want to take me out.

Take the other night, for example. I went out downtown with my friends Jamie and Mel from work. Their friend Gabe kept hitting on me and telling me that my ass is amazing. He told me the next day that he had wanted to have a threesome with Jamie and me.

I think he's off-limits though. First of all, Gabe had been hitting on Jamie as well, and she was flirting back. Since I really like Jamie, and think that she is definitely "my people," I do not want to take her guys. Second of all, I think Mel was saying that she fucks him on the side. Apparently, her boyfriend Nat, who also works with us, is okay with that. But she went out of her way to tell me that I can't steal her side dish.

In addition to that, this guy Joe came up to me and offered to buy me a drink and a shot. He kept telling me, over and over again, that I am extremely gorgeous and stunning. I was very flattered, because I was not wearing a stitch of makeup. Normally I wear it, but I hadn't had enough time to apply it before work that night. He told me that I have the most beautiful eyes and smile. He even went so far as to say that he had seen my friends, and he thought that I was far more attractive than any of them. I was stunned at this, because I happen to think that Jamie and Mel are very attractive girls. At the end of the night, Joe called me to make sure that I got home safe.

So not only did I have a guy buy me drinks to ask me out on a date, who kept giving me compliment after compliment and wanted to take care of me, but an attractive girl who does not know my history thought that I was a threat to one of her guys (which I guess I was, because he was hitting on me).

Another guy there, who is friends with Jamie, Mel, and Gabe, called me a "saucy little minx" and said that if he didn't have a serious long-time girlfriend, he would try to get with me. Once, Gabe told me to tell him something interesting. I started talking about how I had broken my vibrator. I can't even describe his reaction, but it was priceless.

Not only that, but on another occasion I told everyone that I watch Don Jon and masturbate. Nat was all, "...so who wants to go to the Red Box and rent Don Jon right now?" even though he is with Mel.

Moreover, men are just more willing to do me favors (ie take out the trash for me, drive me places, pay for my food when we are not on a date). Men are generally nicer to me now that I am 30 lbs skinnier.

I am really not used to this sort of attention. Now, I actually look good enough that I am attracting more positive attention from men than negative. I guess I must be more attractive than I realize. It's strange for me to think about, since I had grown up being called fat and ugly (mind you, I was about this same size when I was called fat).

It really shouldn't be this way, and it bothers me that it is true. While I wish that our society wasn't so looks-based, at least I'm thin enough now to reap the benefits. Who am I to complain that my life has gotten easier?

Novels, Work, Strength Training

I have not written in a long time, because I wrote my novel! Not the one I had mentioned before, but a different one.

It started because I was writing a story about what would happen in August when I get to see Tim. Then, the story took on a life of its own, and I told the story of last summer. The whole thing, in its entirety.

I feel much, much better after writing this novel. I would not say that I've forgiven myself quite yet, but I'm getting very close to that point.

I do not know if I will publish. A lot of people would be very unhappy if I did. Also, the story is extremely personal, and if I did publish it, I would be very vulnerable. On the other hand, if I published it, I might be able to help other people who have been in similar situations. Someone else might need to hear my words.

Anyway, the story is written, but I still have to edit.

I've been writing non-stop for the past week and a half. Basically all I've been doing is working, writing, and sleeping.

I did venture out a few days ago. I stayed after work at the bar. My coworkers and I split a fishbowl. I got absolutely smashed. The cooks started buying me shots; it was great. I like how everyone stays at the bar and hangs out after work. If I weren't trying to lose weight, I would do it more often.

I saw my coworker at the gym again today. I feel like she and I would have enough in common to become friends outside of work, but we'll see.

Luckily, my friend Cathy was working at the gym when I was there. I asked her my questions about strength-training. I wasn't sure if I should start upper body again, let alone continue with lower body, since my wrists are both so stressed out from waitressing and carrying out.

Cathy told me I should do my wrist exercises from PT every day, in addition to whatever else I do at the gym. Both wrists need to be stronger. She said I should start upper body again, because it's been months since I finished PT. She also showed me a way to massage the sore parts with a foam roll, and told me that I can do the same with some ice in paper cups after particularly stressful days at work.

Since I work nights, I haven't been able to fall asleep until 4 or 5 am. Or maybe it is not a result of work, but rather because I have been thinking about last summer, which makes nighttime difficult for me. Either way, that means that I've been sleeping until 1:15 pm or so. I will try to make it to the gym at 2 pm, which should give me enough time to eat afterward before heading into work at 4 or 4:30. That will mean that Sunday will be my day off from the gym, because work starts at 3 pm on Sundays.

Monday
Wrists- 15 min
Elliptical- 15+ min
Stretching-  30 min

Tuesday
Wrists- 15 min
Full body- 60 min
Stretching- 30 min

Wednesday
Wrists- 15 min
Elliptical- 15+ min
Stretching- 30 min

Thursday
Wrists- 15 min
Lower body- 35 min
Stretching- 30 min

Friday
Wrists- 15 min
Elliptical- 15+ min
Stretching- 30 min

Saturday
Wrists- 15 min
Upper body- 25 min
Stretching- 30 min

Teamwork

Yesterday, I went with my department to a conference in Minneapolis. Not only did my advisor pay for my airline ticket and registration at the last minute, but also I was blown away by our department teamwork and atmosphere.

We all sat in the back row, because Erin wanted to work on her dissertation (haha). My advisor was asking our advice on his presentation, so he kept passing his flashdrive from me to Jason (Erin's husband) to Erin, down the line and back again. Then we were also talking and passing notes the whole time. It reminded me of the good times in sixth grade, haha.

My advisor is really into eating healthy and exercising, like me. He showed me this article about how some woman put on a belt and it magically erased 2 inches from her waist in 20 minutes. He said, "I want one!"

We were both sitting there cracking up over that article. It was great. Then I wrote a note that said, "I'm crying right now. There are free cookies over by the water." My advisor stepped on my foot and was like, "Don't do it!!"

Haha. That's the thing that sucks about being gluten free. I'm used to the diet, and I like it. But I have trouble when things are free: cookies, breads, cakes, etc., and I can't have any. It just makes me very sad. Also, free lunch was provided at the conference, but the only thing I could eat was the fruit salad. Sucks =(

Anyway, I was enjoying how chummy my department was being. Also, Erin is perhaps even more addicted to Starbucks than I am. We made many trips to Starbucks throughout the day to keep our caffeine levels nice and happy. So there was that as well.

All in all, it was a fun day.

The Dream Deferred

Another thing that made me upset when I visited home last week, was that my mom started telling my aunts and their boyfriends, and her boyfriend, about how proud she is of my sister. I was sitting next to her at the dinner table at the time.


There was not one word about her being proud of me.


Instead, I had to listen to my mom say how she "quite admires" my sister for pursuing a job in her passion. That my sister's advisor had gone out of his way to contact my mom and tell her that my sister is very talented.


Don't misunderstand, I'm proud of my sister too. I'm glad that she's good at what she does, and that it's what she likes to do. In fact, my sister fits the Pride and Prejudice description of a "truly accomplished woman:" "thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages. Also, she must improve her mind by extensive reading."


Yep, that's my sister alright.


All my life, I had been trying to compete with her. She always got better grades than I did. Even though I worked very hard for my good results, to her it seemed effortless to get better results. Even with our hobbies (music, reading, creative writing, sports), she always seemed to be better. She can read twice as fast as me. She can sing at the same time as playing piano, which I never figured out how to do. She also made it into All State, and I never did.


Then, the competition stopped for the most part once I went to college. I was able to become my own person, outside the influence of her shadow. We started traveling in different lanes. She has the mastery of foreign languages and theater set design down. I have the mastery of music performance and geology down. Two sisters, two different lanes. I didn't feel like I had to compete with her anymore.


But the way my mom started going on about how proud she is of my sister, with no word about how proud she is of me... that just made me sad. Even though I have two bachelor's degrees and am working on a master's degree and a GIS certificate, I'm still the failure in comparison.


I'll tell you why. I might have a degree in music performance, and I might get paid to play in an orchestra. But I'm still a failed musician. My undergraduate viola professor essentially told me that I'm not good enough of a player to be competitive in the field to make a top-tier orchestra. My original plan had been to get my master's in viola performance; my professor told me that I should not do that, and I should pursue geology instead. This sent me into a year-long depression when I was a junior in college.


On top of that, he shut down my dream. My dream had been to perform in pit orchestras for musicals on Broadway. Even now, the thought sends a shiver down the back of my neck. How glorious would it be if I could do that? There is nothing that I love more than musicals and playing viola. Yet, when I told this to my viola professor, he told me that that's a really shitty job. People apparently like it at first, but then they get bored of playing the same music over and over again. Then they can't afford to take time off to leave and look for a new job. He told me this because he didn't want me to "get backed into a corner with my career."


Fucking hell. So not only did my professor tell me that I'm not good enough, but he also told me that my dream sucks. So I had that happen to me, while my sister's advisor contacts our mom to boast about how wonderful she is at theater set design.


That's why I'm the failure.

Defunct Family

Recently, I've started to wonder what it would be like to be part of a different family. It would be nice if my family actually cared about each other, cared about what each other want to do, and actually liked hanging out with each other.


One thing I notice, whenever I go to Cameron's house, is that her family has all of those things. They hang out in the living room and kitchen together. There's always this sense that they actually enjoy talking to each other and being in each other's company.


I really wish I had that. I had high hopes for visiting my mom this time around, but in the end she didn't fail to disappoint.


I don't ask for much in life. I really don't. The one thing I ask for is Starbucks.


To be fair, my mom was doing nice things for me like offering to take me shopping, and making me gluten free food (even her birthday cake), and buying me good quality sunscreen online. I never asked her to do any of that, but she wanted to do it anyway. So she does nice things for me that I don't ask for, mostly because they have to do with my various health problems.


It's so strange that she won't pay for me to get a smartphone or a car, but she'll spend money to buy me gourmet sunscreen.


But the only thing I actually asked her for was to go to Starbucks. We had gone to drop off my computer for maintenance at the Best Buy by the mall. I told her that I really needed coffee, but that I hadn't had time to get one before my appointment at Best Buy. She said we could go after dropping off my computer. But then she just went straight to the mall, even though I told her I was fairly certain that there was no Starbucks in the mall. She said she thought there was, but we got there and of course there wasn't. She told me that I "should have researched Starbucks locations in advance." When I asked her how I was supposed to do that, without a laptop and without a smartphone, she threw it back in my face and informed me that BECAUSE I don't have a smartphone, I'm SUPPOSED to look things up in advance. Then she didn't even want to go and find a Starbucks, and was only concerned with going to Macy's to return something, saying we would just go home and I could go there afterward by myself. So she never actually bought me the clothes I needed, because she didn't want to find a Starbucks with me by the mall so that we could stay and shop.


This made me very upset. It's always been this way. Whenever we went on a family vacation, we never did anything I wanted to do; we only did what my parents wanted to do. And seriously, I don't ask for much. The one thing I did ask for-- Starbucks-- was of course denied.


To add insult to injury, if my mom had been with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend asked to go get Dunks, she would have of course been obliging. But because it was me, she didn't care about doing what I wanted and had asked for. What I wouldn't give to be part of a family that would just do the one thing I wanted with me. To have the sense that what's more important than the things done is the time spent with the people in your family. That it's more important to do nice things for people in your family than for your significant others. That the family actually wants to talk to each other and spend time together.


But it's just wishful thinking. I'm never going to have that.

The Diagnosis

Well as it turns out, Dr. House is wrong: it's lupus.

I have early lupus.

This afternoon, I went and got a huge peanut butter parfait. I mean, getting diagnosed with lupus means an automatic cheat day on my diet. Obviously.

He did test me for celiac, so I guess I could stop with the gluten free if it comes back negative. He did say that some people find that it helps alleviate the symptoms, so he told me to continue it if I think it's helpful. I guess I'll think about that later.