The Key to Productivity

Ok, well I'm back at my New Year's Resolution. I had one relapse, but it's ok. All that matters is that I keep trying even after a failure.

I actually had a really productive day today. My hydrofracking class was cancelled today because the prof is out of town, so I completed the homework assignment for that class and finished my GIS lab instead.

After GIS class, I came back to my apartment and my back was really sore, from all the sitting and intensive studying that morning. I really had the urge to go on a really long walk. So what I did was, I walked 2.7 miles to a bar downtown. I brought my laptop and was sitting at the bar writing my revised software thesis proposal! I had a long island and a hard cider, ordered chicken quesadillas for dinner, and ordered their dessert special. I got 4 pages written!!

It was amazing. I went at the end of happy hour, so it wasn't all that crazy loud in there. The atmosphere was chill, and plus there was a TV right in front of me. I am really bad at staying focused on my work, which is why I end up checking Facebook/my emails every 5 minutes. But when I was at the bar, I would just glance at the TV to take a short break every now and then instead, and then get back to it.

But it just goes to show, people are much more productive when they are happy. I had forgotten how much I love long walks. I think the last time I took a really long walk was back at Penn State. It was during the period when Ray and I had broken up and we were not friends briefly, and I needed to clear my head. But anyway, I made the long walk today and it made me feel a lot better. I think Erin was right-- she was telling me earlier today that the lack of sunlight here might be contributing to my fatigue problem. It was lovely to walk outside in the sun, listening to my iPod. I even discovered a new mailbox here! Haha, only the second mailbox I've seen here...

So yeah. I walked back to my apartment and took a nice bubble bath. Back to being kind to myself :)

Rage

Well I'm currently failing at my New Year's Resolution.

I fucking hate my body. I hate it!!!!

Apparently, if 2013 was the year of injuries, 2014 is the year of injuries PLUS unexplained illnesses. I have had extreme fatigue for the last 2 weeks. At first, I thought it was because I was stressed, was starting classes again, etc. Then I thought I might not be eating enough, because my metabolism got crazy high and I was still only eating 1500 calories a day and was very hungry all the time.

But now I'm eating ~2000 calories a day, and it's helped a little but not a lot.

Then, I fucking got another sex injury. I fucking hate Crohn's disease. It's the WORST. Fucking hell.

Then, I got an itchy rash on both arms, which has now spread upwards towards my shoulders. This occurred right before I got pain under my chin/upper neck, which has now spread into my jaw.

Went to the doctor, who thinks the rash is "contact dermatitis" and that it will go away on its own in 2-3 weeks. Yeah, why the fuck would I get contact dermatitis on only my arms?? That makes no sense! What would have touched only my arms?? Other reasons why this doesn't make sense: I have not switched any beauty products, taken any new medications, been around any animals, or eaten anything weird right before this occurred. The only thing might have been the Turkish tea that Kyle brought into the office. I had some of that on Tuesday, and the rash occurred Wednesday. However, Kyle says it only contained pomegranate and some other fruits that I had already had before. And that STILL wouldn't explain why it's on my arms.

Then the doctor said the neck pain would go away on its own as well. Probably some muscle strain. Um ok... except that I did nothing to strain it at all. That's wonderful.

It makes me think that she's just not taking me seriously. I really think that something's wrong with me. I think that the fatigue, the rash, and the neck pain are all related. It's a gut instinct. And nobody fucking cares what I think. They all brush off my symptoms to stress.

I really hate that nobody seems to take me seriously. Ok ready for this? SORRY EVERYBODY THAT I HAVE A VAGINA. MAYBE IF I HAD A PENIS YOU WOULD TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.

Honestly.

Is it really too much to ask for a body that, you know, actually FUNCTIONS correctly????!

My Dream Life

Today started out pretty horrible, but I feel much better now and I think it's time to start investing in myself.

In my dream life, I live in Las Vegas in a beautiful flat with a scenic view. I work for a kickass geothermal company, helping to make the Earth a better place. I will make enough money to live comfortably. Everyone in my field will respect me and ask me for my opinions because they believe that I'm smart and good at my job. I will perform with the Las Vegas Philharmonic. I will have a long-term, serious boyfriend who will give me rock-steady love. Also, he will treat me like a queen, and give me thorough shoulder and neck massages after my rehearsals and concerts. I will go to the gym every day, and I will be fit and strong. When people look at me, they will say, "I'm jealous of that girl because she is strong. She looks like she strength-trains. I want to be just as strong as her." I will be surrounded with good friends who are "my people," and they will give me rock-steady love. In my free time, I will write novels and poems, and I will hit up all the jazz clubs in town.


Oh my god, if I could have all that I would cry from happiness.

My Life is a Joke

I still feel like my life is somebody's joke. I hate it. I hate everyone and everything.

It's like, wtf am I doing wrong? Why am I failing at everything?

All that comes out of my trying to do healthy things (that I actually enjoy), is my getting injured.

I go to the gym, and I get injured. I play the viola, and I get injured. I have sex, and I get injured.

I try to have good relationships with people, but that usually ends up failing miserably in the end. So I get an injured heart.

I try to work hard at my job, and do a good job teaching. Yet they all hated me and thought I was "the worst teacher ever."

I try to be good at networking, but I'm so bad at it. Even though the guy spelled his name on the phone for me, I still got it wrong. I'm so embarrassed. I followed my mom's advice on how to respond to his follow-up email, and now I feel stupid because it seems like I said the wrong thing based on his response.

It seems like all I do is make mistakes. I think I'm doing the right thing, and then it turns out to be wrong. Sometimes those mistakes are really bad.

I kind of wish I could start over with a clean slate.

What Love Does

I was on the phone with Cameron the other day, and we were talking about how one of our friends isn't in a great relationship. I said, "Well she's in love. She's not thinking straight."

It occurred to me after I said that that this is exactly what love does. Love prevents us from thinking straight, and as a result makes us do crazy, irrational things that we would never do otherwise.

Translation: when we are in love, we put up with being treated like shit. We rationalize and rationalize, saying "he didn't mean it," or "maybe he's right and I was out of line to get mad," or whatever the fuck other bullshit excuses we make for the person we love.

Translation of the translation: love is frighteningly scary.


Fittingly, the song "Stay" by Rihanna and Mikky Ekko came on my iTunes just now. I was able to listen to it with moderate discomfort. But I'm glad I did, because it made me realize something else:

Love should not be about needing someone else to fill your (metaphorical) hole. Only you are responsible for filling that hole yourself. If you depend on someone else to fill your hole, chances are you will get trapped to put up with being treated like shit. Just like I was.

This is why I made the New Year's Resolution that I did. By being extremely kind to myself, and giving myself some love, I'm filling my hole myself. I don't need anyone to fill it, because I have myself.

Contacts

Am I the only person who finds networking/careering absolutely EXHAUSTING??

Over the winter break, I had the pleasure of picking through the geothermal literature that I was behind on reading to find all the companies mentioned. Then I had to call all the companies and ask about internship opportunities (only ~10 prospects.. kind of depressing). Then I had to update my list of companies, make an internship prospect list, and update my contacts list.

This is what I'm wondering: who on earth can actually remember all of this information without making ten thousand lists like me? Not only do you have to remember how/where you met the person and what the person looks like, but you also have to make sure you have their name spelled correctly (something I'm not in the habit of doing yet, which causes me loads of problems), and then email them for followup, scour through Linked-In to see if they have a profile, etc. It would be nice if everyone actually used Linked-In... lots of people don't, which is really annoying.

Half the time, I forget to ask how the name is spelled. The other half, I feel awkward doing it because I don't want to seem like a kiss-ass. Sometimes it turns out ok, because I can find them by Google search or Linked-In afterward. However, sometimes I'm completely way off. I just had the mortifying experience of calling back the company to ask the spelling of the name, since he had wanted me to mail him something. The woman who answered was very suspicious of me... well, sorry that I'm inexperienced and forgot to ask how it was spelled.

And maybe it's just because I'm not used to doing this sort of thing yet, but I always feel very awkward contacting these people again to ask for favors. I've been putting off sending messages to my contacts about potential internships. I don't want them to think I'm bothering them or anything. Then it takes a lot of effort to actually write messages to these people. You have to be extremely careful with wording and grammar, and ask smart questions, so that they don't think that you're presumptuous and/or stupid.

GAH! Exhausting.

Wrist Updates

I started PT the other day. My physical therapist is really nice, and knowledgeable. She finally was able to explain to me how recovery works, in a way that actually made sense to me (unlike all the other doctor's I've seen about this).

When you get injured, you're supposed to wear a brace for two reasons: 1) to reduce any swelling that might have occurred, and 2) to protect the injured part from movements that might injure it more.

However, wearing the brace results in weakness of bones, muscles, etc. So therefore, after awhile, you're supposed to reduce the amount you wear the brace (and do physical therapy) to gain back strength. You are not supposed to go from wearing the brace all the time to not wearing it at all.

After your wrist gets strong enough for daily activities (no brace at all plus some PT), you can start small on harder activities (strength training, viola playing). If the wrist gets tired or starts to hurt, you've done too much.

She said to think of viola playing like training for a marathon. The concert is the marathon. You can't just run a marathon without training for it and expect not to get injured. Therefore, I'm supposed to start slow with the practicing, and build up to the point where playing for 3 hours straight is no big deal, and I have enough stamina to do that. Then I'm prepared for the long rehearsals and the concert. After the concert, I'm supposed to take a break and not play at all for a little bit. Then I'm supposed to start over again for the new concert.

Finally, some good advice. The doctor I just saw the other day, who referred me to PT, told me I could strength train if I wanted to and it didn't hurt. I thought it was too good to be true, and I was right. All the other doctor's I've seen have told me to wear my brace as much as I can. I disagreed with that because of the whole "but it's weak... how is it supposed to get stronger if I keep wearing the brace?" thing. The doctor in Massachusetts had told me that my injury was a stress injury, so I should only play viola when I need to, to reduce chance of injury. I didn't agree with that, because of the whole "but I need to have stamina to do that sort of thing" thing.

Anyway, my physical therapist continued to freak me out by telling me that bone marrow edema is the predecessor to a stress fracture. So in my case, if I do the activities too suddenly or too intensely, I'm probably going to get a stress fracture, which would be horrible. If I had continued to strength train under the advice of the other doctor, it probably would have happened.

It's still unclear whether the lack of proper treatment at field camp is to blame.


In other news, ever since I've come back to North Dakota, I have felt very fatigued and exhausted. Probably it's from all the things on my to-do list, but also possibly I'm overtraining at the gym now that I'm walking everywhere again also. But it's so bad that I barely have the energy to do anything. Sigh. At least with the snow day today, I have a 5-day weekend to knock off some of this stuff. I've made progress today, and will continue to make progress such that I hopefully reduce this amount of stress.

Wake Up

Well, I was completely wrong about anything going on with T.J. I had the following wake-up call last night:

T.J.: Did you ask me if I was sad? Or did I imagine that.
Me: You imagined that.
T.J.: Weird, must have dreamed it.

Then I got all excited. He had dreamed about me! It was a good sign. I still meant something to him subconsciously, at least.

T.J.: So what did you want me to do with your novel notes?

(Oh yeah. He had volunteered to help me with my novel research.)

Me: I just wondered if my lists were missing anything. If you agreed with the order of emotional pain that I suggested, or if you think it should have a different order.
T.J.: No I think you covered it all. I've been going through a tough time myself.
Me: Oh, what's going on?
T.J.: My girlfriend and I are taking a break :/

GIRLFRIEND??! Thanks for mentioning that. It would have been nice to know that, even though you were asking me about MY love life, and when I asked you about yours in response, you cracked a joke about having "many, many girlfriends."

And thanks for flirting with me when you were drunk. I'm sure she appreciated that.

Me: That sucks. Do you think it will sort itself out with time?
T.J.: I don't know, but I really hope so. I know what I have to do, but I just need this girl to give me another chance.

He then proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions about myself and about my life. Why are you asking? This was the only time he's opened up even slightly about himself in the past 6 months we've been talking again. Why does he want to know all about me, and not share an equal amount about himself?

Cameron thinks he's trying to keep me there just in case it doesn't work out with this other girl. Well, fuck that. I don't want to be anyone's second choice. Obviously he doesn't feel the same about the end of our relationship-- that it ended before it's time. After all, he did decide to end it because I wasn't worth long distance.

Sigh.

Then right after that, one of my friends posted a thing dissing women (I guess he just got out of a relationship). This one guy commented on it saying, "Guys are so simple. Everything we say is either the truth or a lie for personal gain."

I responded to that, saying, "So how are we supposed to tell the difference???"

He responded saying, "Learn how to read people. We are simple creatures, it shouldn't be that hard. Some people are harder to read than others though."


Well, it IS hard. We can't fucking read minds.

He does have a point though. I should spend some time learning how to read people better. I'll think of it as research for my book.

Updates and Stuff

Mission IUD is complete. My god, it did actually hurt. Not the actual insertion part (barely felt that), but beforehand when they had to stretch out my uterus. Holy fuck. My mom was like, "that gives you a sense of what childbirth is like."

Yeah, no thanks. I am now proudly child-free until I'm 31. HOORAY!!

Now I'm just waiting for this horrible cramping to subside. They were actually surprised at how well I took the whole process. It's because it felt exactly like a Crohn's flare at first: like someone had punched me in the stomach so hard that I also felt the pain in my back. Now it just feels like bad PMS.

The gyno also told me the results of my MRI: "Bone marrow edema in the lunate and distal ulna, which might be post-traumatic."

Since she's not a specialist, she couldn't tell me what it means. She thinks though that it means I do not need surgery, and just need to rest it quite a bit. Hopefully she's right. I'll need to follow up in Grand Forks next week.

What I can say is this: it sounds like if it was post-traumatic, and the distal ulna is involved, that means that this is from my original injury. The fall at field camp. It's their fault that I did not receive proper care for this injury. They made me wait a full week to see a doctor, so that I could go on a free day and not miss any fieldwork. They had some wrapping that they wrapped around my wrist incorrectly and insufficiently, in the meantime.

Seriously, fuck that shit. I hate them all. Pretentious jerks. You know what? I'm glad that I took the van out and drove it when I wasn't supposed to. Those assholes.

In other news, I started my novel last night. I couldn't sleep because it was "one of those times again." I got inspired to write about how I felt during that time. Check it out:

     "For some reason, nighttime made everything worse. During the day, she found that she could easily distract herself one way or another. Her mind was constantly working; she was constantly thinking, solving problems. She stayed busy with her schoolwork and job applications. She listened to music, she read her favorite books, and she went to the gym.

      But that was during the daytime. Nighttime was a completely different story. Suddenly, images she had buried deep within herself rose up and took shape. Her blanket maliciously knotted itself around her head, suffocating her. She began to panic as the claustrophobia sank in. She couldn’t breathe. Her own mind had once again taken her prisoner. She blamed herself for her misfortunes, but then her hatred quickly turned outward. She wanted him to suffer as much as she had. She hated him, but at the same time, she loved him. After awhile, she could not distract herself any longer. All that was left was the pain. Just… pain. That’s all there was.

         She shuddered under her blanket, afraid. She wondered how long she would have to wait for sleep to come this time."


It's a start anyway. I've decided that every time I feel that way, I will write more. I will beat it all. This novel will be my masterpiece.

It's One Of Those Times Again

I'm actually kind of sad to see my step family go. When I first met my stepmom, we went shopping at the mall for shells for me to wear with my suit. The salesperson greeted us with, "Hi girls, what can I help you with?"

At that moment, I knew that this would be different from anything I was ever used to. Nobody, ever, would address my mom as a "girl." My mom is the opposite-- a distinguished, successful businesswoman.

Then it got even more unlike anything I was ever used to. My stepsisters actually talked to my stepmother about their lives. They talked about clothes and about what outfits they were going to wear and their friends and stuff. My stepbrother seemed to have a good relationship with my stepmom as well.

What's more, everyone hung out together a lot. They all seemed happy, and close, and like they actually enjoyed each other's company the way that family is supposed to.

I was glad that my Dad married into this family. He and my stepmom have a lot in common, and she had a positive effect on him as well. He became calmer and mellower. That, in turn, made me calmer and mellower whenever I was there. I was looking forward to becoming a part of a family that was actually happy, because I have never had that.

And it seems like I'll never have it.

So what does this mean? I'm supposed to keep my guard up at all times? I can never assume that happiness will stay in my life for a long period of time?

What am I supposed to take from this, exactly?

It's Not Just Me

Well folks, it's not just me that has these problems with other people.

First, my Dad sent me an email saying that he was getting divorced. After only having been married for 7 months. He said that they had no arguments, no fights, and no problems. My stepmom apparently has decided for the third time now in this time period that getting married was the wrong decision.

All I can say is, that is really horrible. Apparently, even if you get married, that doesn't guarantee that it won't happen. It doesn't guarantee that the other person won't have second thoughts. Even if there's no fighting and no arguments, that doesn't guarantee that it won't happen. Even if the other person has all your same core values and similar interests, it doesn't guarantee that it won't happen.

My god. I think that whatever was left of my opinion of marriage just took a nosedive.

Then, my friend Hanna told me that she was having the same problem. Her boyfriend of 3 years, who is in Taiwan right now, was doing that same aggravating thing that Ray had done: trying to get her to break up with him because he was too cowardly to do it himself. At my suggestion, she asked him directly if he wanted to break up. Unsurprisingly, the answer was yes. Surprisingly, then he had to go and be an asshole, suggesting they stay friends with benefits.

Seriously, I have HAD IT with people. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? Why do men think it's okay to end a relationship but still be friends with benefits?? It's completely disrespectful, and quite frankly, disgusting.


Now, more than ever, it is important for me to write this book. Still in the thinking stage... but I'll get there.

To-Do Lists, Gynos, and Novels

Well it was nice to have some time off, but now my to-do list is about a mile long! Gah!!!

Of course I have computer problems (again) after upgrading to 8.1. Gotta take it to Best Buy and hope they can downgrade it for me without uninstalling my programs.

I also need to get a new phone, because the one I have loses charge all the time. I definitely shouldn't have to charge it twice a day. My mom is not going for the smartphone idea though. Can't say I blame her, but it's at the point where everyone expects that you have a smartphone, so it kind of sucks to not have one in that respect.

I heard back about the mentorship program I had applied for, and it looks promising. It seems like they want to accept me for it, but I need to make a more detailed project proposal. This will be hard, considering I haven't started working on my thesis yet. However, I do need to finish my thesis proposal and do more research on their software anyway, so I can sort of combine all those things into one giant to-do.

Then I need to finish my GIS certificate application... and figure out if I can double-count classes towards my masters degree so that I can submit my program of study.

What I really need to do, like ASAP, is apply for internships. I'm finishing going through the geothermal literature for company names, so I need to finish that first before deciding where to apply. GAH!!

In addition to all that, I had a lot of stress today about my MRI stuff. The orthopedist called me to tell me that they were cancelling my appointment tomorrow due to the snow storm.

Don't even get me started on this. If you're stupid enough to live in a place that gets a lot of snow, then you shouldn't be such a pansy. It's like how in Grand Forks, they don't let the snow interfere with their lives, but they let the cold interfere with their lives. Again, if you're stupid enough to live in a really cold place, you shouldn't be such a pansy. I don't like the snow OR the cold, but do you see me putting my life on hold in any way because of either of them??? I don't think so.


Anyway, I pretty much had an anxiety attack because they rescheduled my appointment for January 8. Meaning, she wouldn't have time to order the MRI (the whole point for this visit) before I leave on the 12th, and I would have to pay for the visit anyway.

Then I went in for the gyno, and I was so upset that I was trying not to cry when I told her about it. Then she completely took charge, and told the girls at the front to order one for me. They told her the other doctor had told me to get it through the orthopedist, and she said, "Listen, this girl is a musician! The orthopedist already cancelled on her, and she needs the MRI done before she leaves on the 12th." So they did it, and then my gyno got on the phone with my insurance and explained the situation to them. They called me like 20 min after I left the office saying they successfully scheduled the MRI for January 7. Yay!!!!! That was seriously so awesome. She also advised me to go to an occupational therapist instead of a physical therapist, and one who understands musicians, so that this problem can be fixed for good. I don't know if there are any in Grand Forks, but hopefully there are.

But finally, someone understands how stressful and unpleasant all of this is, and is actually being extremely helpful.


I've also been thinking more about my novel. My idea is pretty fantastic actually. I'm kind of afraid to start it though, because I haven't been able to write fiction in a long time. Also, it will be a lot of work, and will take up a lot of time.

I was talking to my cousin's boyfriend about it, and he gave me a little advice on how to make my novel more powerful. Both he and my cousin are into creative writing, and my cousin now works as a copywriter. I think I would like her job, actually, because it's a job for grammar freaks like us. I was telling her about how my GIS professor took off 1 point because I was "missing a comma," and how he re-punctuated my correctly-punctuated sentence with semicolons instead of the commas. It had bothered me so much that I ranted to Cameron about it for like 2 hours. Haha. Anyway, it's something to consider if I ever change careers. It's probably the only other thing that I'm both good at and enjoy doing.

Anyway, I will start writing my novel and see how it goes. Probably I won't blog as much during this time, but we'll see.