The Dream Deferred

Another thing that made me upset when I visited home last week, was that my mom started telling my aunts and their boyfriends, and her boyfriend, about how proud she is of my sister. I was sitting next to her at the dinner table at the time.


There was not one word about her being proud of me.


Instead, I had to listen to my mom say how she "quite admires" my sister for pursuing a job in her passion. That my sister's advisor had gone out of his way to contact my mom and tell her that my sister is very talented.


Don't misunderstand, I'm proud of my sister too. I'm glad that she's good at what she does, and that it's what she likes to do. In fact, my sister fits the Pride and Prejudice description of a "truly accomplished woman:" "thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages. Also, she must improve her mind by extensive reading."


Yep, that's my sister alright.


All my life, I had been trying to compete with her. She always got better grades than I did. Even though I worked very hard for my good results, to her it seemed effortless to get better results. Even with our hobbies (music, reading, creative writing, sports), she always seemed to be better. She can read twice as fast as me. She can sing at the same time as playing piano, which I never figured out how to do. She also made it into All State, and I never did.


Then, the competition stopped for the most part once I went to college. I was able to become my own person, outside the influence of her shadow. We started traveling in different lanes. She has the mastery of foreign languages and theater set design down. I have the mastery of music performance and geology down. Two sisters, two different lanes. I didn't feel like I had to compete with her anymore.


But the way my mom started going on about how proud she is of my sister, with no word about how proud she is of me... that just made me sad. Even though I have two bachelor's degrees and am working on a master's degree and a GIS certificate, I'm still the failure in comparison.


I'll tell you why. I might have a degree in music performance, and I might get paid to play in an orchestra. But I'm still a failed musician. My undergraduate viola professor essentially told me that I'm not good enough of a player to be competitive in the field to make a top-tier orchestra. My original plan had been to get my master's in viola performance; my professor told me that I should not do that, and I should pursue geology instead. This sent me into a year-long depression when I was a junior in college.


On top of that, he shut down my dream. My dream had been to perform in pit orchestras for musicals on Broadway. Even now, the thought sends a shiver down the back of my neck. How glorious would it be if I could do that? There is nothing that I love more than musicals and playing viola. Yet, when I told this to my viola professor, he told me that that's a really shitty job. People apparently like it at first, but then they get bored of playing the same music over and over again. Then they can't afford to take time off to leave and look for a new job. He told me this because he didn't want me to "get backed into a corner with my career."


Fucking hell. So not only did my professor tell me that I'm not good enough, but he also told me that my dream sucks. So I had that happen to me, while my sister's advisor contacts our mom to boast about how wonderful she is at theater set design.


That's why I'm the failure.

Defunct Family

Recently, I've started to wonder what it would be like to be part of a different family. It would be nice if my family actually cared about each other, cared about what each other want to do, and actually liked hanging out with each other.


One thing I notice, whenever I go to Cameron's house, is that her family has all of those things. They hang out in the living room and kitchen together. There's always this sense that they actually enjoy talking to each other and being in each other's company.


I really wish I had that. I had high hopes for visiting my mom this time around, but in the end she didn't fail to disappoint.


I don't ask for much in life. I really don't. The one thing I ask for is Starbucks.


To be fair, my mom was doing nice things for me like offering to take me shopping, and making me gluten free food (even her birthday cake), and buying me good quality sunscreen online. I never asked her to do any of that, but she wanted to do it anyway. So she does nice things for me that I don't ask for, mostly because they have to do with my various health problems.


It's so strange that she won't pay for me to get a smartphone or a car, but she'll spend money to buy me gourmet sunscreen.


But the only thing I actually asked her for was to go to Starbucks. We had gone to drop off my computer for maintenance at the Best Buy by the mall. I told her that I really needed coffee, but that I hadn't had time to get one before my appointment at Best Buy. She said we could go after dropping off my computer. But then she just went straight to the mall, even though I told her I was fairly certain that there was no Starbucks in the mall. She said she thought there was, but we got there and of course there wasn't. She told me that I "should have researched Starbucks locations in advance." When I asked her how I was supposed to do that, without a laptop and without a smartphone, she threw it back in my face and informed me that BECAUSE I don't have a smartphone, I'm SUPPOSED to look things up in advance. Then she didn't even want to go and find a Starbucks, and was only concerned with going to Macy's to return something, saying we would just go home and I could go there afterward by myself. So she never actually bought me the clothes I needed, because she didn't want to find a Starbucks with me by the mall so that we could stay and shop.


This made me very upset. It's always been this way. Whenever we went on a family vacation, we never did anything I wanted to do; we only did what my parents wanted to do. And seriously, I don't ask for much. The one thing I did ask for-- Starbucks-- was of course denied.


To add insult to injury, if my mom had been with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend asked to go get Dunks, she would have of course been obliging. But because it was me, she didn't care about doing what I wanted and had asked for. What I wouldn't give to be part of a family that would just do the one thing I wanted with me. To have the sense that what's more important than the things done is the time spent with the people in your family. That it's more important to do nice things for people in your family than for your significant others. That the family actually wants to talk to each other and spend time together.


But it's just wishful thinking. I'm never going to have that.

The Diagnosis

Well as it turns out, Dr. House is wrong: it's lupus.

I have early lupus.

This afternoon, I went and got a huge peanut butter parfait. I mean, getting diagnosed with lupus means an automatic cheat day on my diet. Obviously.

He did test me for celiac, so I guess I could stop with the gluten free if it comes back negative. He did say that some people find that it helps alleviate the symptoms, so he told me to continue it if I think it's helpful. I guess I'll think about that later.

Summer

It's so weird adjusting to the fact that I don't have to be productive every second of the day. But I do have some summer goals for myself.

First, I want to lose that last 15 lbs. Now that I've settled into my gluten free diet, and the urge to eat ice cream and/or gluten free candy every second is less, I can see this through. Finish what I started last summer, almost 1 year ago. Currently I weigh 23 lbs less than I did 1 year ago. I'll do my best to lose the last 15.

Second, I want to ease back into my upper body strength training routine and get strong again. I'm so weak right now, it sucks. But it's been 3 months since I've recovered from the injury, and it's time I got cracking. Especially because I'm not viola-ing over the summer really, which will make things easier.

Third, I want to get a job and hopefully make some more friends here. I filled out a lot of applications already, and lots of places are promising. I'll just have to wait and see.

If I end up getting a job downtown, I'll be getting plenty of exercise. I walked at least 7 miles today total.

Fourth, I want to work more on my novel and write more sonnets. I wrote a sonnet for Tim the other day. I'm really rusty at writing poetry, but I think it turned out fairly decent:

Unrequited love is hell from above.

Full-scale war between the head and the heart:

What starts out sweet, warm-- hopelessly in love--

Becomes worthless, helpless; so torn apart.

I was scarred from pain, but you brought me hope

When you filled the empty room of my soul.

I almost fell down, but you handed me a rope.

You do care for me, patching up the hole.

You just don’t want me the way I want you;

No time for me before you leave this place.

I’m so replaceable; I know it’s true.

I really hope you remember my face.

Loving someone who does not love you back:

What a completely miserable act.

Sighhh I am going to miss that man. I wrote this sonnet because I got really depressed the other day. I had thought he was leaving on Saturday, but it turned out he was leaving on Sunday. He didn't want to make time to squeeze me in before he left. I'm sure he could have, but he didn't.

I was talking about it with Cameron. She asked me how close we were. I guess we were not actually that close. We didn't hang out a lot, and we didn't really talk about personal stuff. We got closer at the end on both accounts, but I guess we weren't really that close. Whenever I invited him out, he said no. I wanted to be close, but he didn't. That's what got me so depressed.

He did come through for me when I really needed him though. That shows that he does care about me. Maybe not in the way that I want, but at least he does in some way.

Plus, it's time to take note. On several occasions, he would say, "Veronica, as your friend..." Yes, as my FRIEND. That's the kind of thing to pay attention to. It's most likely the truth.

Anyway, I have to look on the bright side. After Ray, I thought I would never like or trust another guy ever again. And then I went and fell in love. I fell in love with someone completely different, completely unexpectedly. Tim showed me that not all guys are bad. He cared enough about me to have my back when I really needed it. He didn't try to take advantage of me. He's not my type physically-- didn't think I'd be attracted to someone with snakebites. However, on him they are fucking sexy as shit.

The Workaholic Extrovert

Well, another semester come and gone.

Looking back, I can see that I had too much on my plate. 11 credits as a master's student, plus preliminary thesis work, plus applications for scholarships, grants, and competitions. Not to mention those internships.

I'm used to having a lot on my plate, but this was the first time I felt like I couldn't handle it all. My mystery illness didn't help things, either.

But even though I finished up this morning, I'm already starting to feel empty. I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore without all the work. I can tell that it's going to be a very lonely summer up here. I don't have many friends here at all, and even fewer people will be here over the summer. Plus, I'm losing Tim. I am so, so sad.

At least he and I took a beautiful picture together. I look absolutely stunning. It's arguably the best picture of me that exists, considering how not photogenic I am. I think it's because I was so happy to be there with him, wearing a pretty dress and his tie, with us so close together in the picture and his arm around my waist. Hannah told me that we look like an adorable couple. We really do! Our hair color matches... haha.

Literally I look at this photo an embarrassing number of times each day. I look so radiant because I'm on the edge of love. I feel like he would be the perfect guy for me if he returned my feelings. Which, I keep trying to remind myself, he doesn't.

That night was a complete mixed bag. There were some really cute moments. He was trying to fasten the tie on me, but was having trouble doing it on someone else. So he got behind me and was trying to do it from behind. Next, his friend asked me if I was sniffing my hair (I wasn't, I tend to rest my head on my hand in that way); Tim goes, "I want to." So I offered him a strand, and he was all "mmmmm." Then when my tab came back, I hadn't spent enough to pay with my credit card; Tim told them to put it on his tab instead. Finally, he made sure that someone gave me a ride home so I wouldn't have to walk alone.

Then there were some embarrassing moments. Apparently I can't keep any of my secrets when I'm drunk. I was telling him all about how some guy flicked my bean on the dance floor at a club the one time. And how a man's circumference matters, but it can't be too big because it will rip my vagina like the one dude, and how I was injured for a year after that. Yes, I used both hands to show him how big that guy had been.

Finally, there were the upsetting moments. He kind of abruptly asked me to give him his tie back. Then he didn't give me a ride home because he had walked over to the bar instead of driven. Then since everyone was leaving at the same time, I didn't get to properly say goodbye. I couldn't... tell him things. Also, my sister had told me I should try kissing him on the mouth and then walking away. I wanted to do that so bad, but I didn't want to do it in front of his friends.

I decided I couldn't leave it on such a sour note. I texted him a few days later to ask if I would see him again before he leaves. He had a really busy finals week, so he said probably not.

Me: Well, best of luck with everything. I'm glad I got to know you :)
Tim: Thanks, you too. I'm glad as well :) Let me know if you're in Vegas, we'll get drinks!


I guess it's the best I could have hoped for under the circumstances.

I really hope I see him again. I really hope so. Maybe there's more in store for us later in life.


Anyway, I hope I make more friends here. It will be a really lonely summer if I don't.

Warm and Fuzzy

Last night turned out to be amazing. Since I don't have class Fridays, I decided to walk downtown and get some work done. First I went to the coffee shop, then I moved over to the bar.

Tim was working. I hadn't expected him to be there, since he typically works the late night shift. But I was like, whatever. I sat in his section, waited for him to notice me, and then for the most part ignored him.

I was in the zone with my work, so it wasn't too hard. Once in awhile, he would come over and talk to me. He asked me what I was working on, and he asked me how my presentation had gone. When he made me another drink, he asked me if I wanted him to make it a strawberry tea instead of normal.

Then things started to get interesting. The guys sitting next to me started chatting me up. I could see Tim paying attention to it. Once he interrupted me mid-sentence to ask if I wanted another drink (wasn't quite done with that one yet... lol). They were asking me how long of a walk I had, and I told them 3 miles. Tim heard me say that, and then was like "If you stay long enough, I'll give you a ride home."

Me: Haha, until 4 am?
Tim: No, I'm done at 10 today.

Then the one guy offered me a smoke, so I went out for a smoke. While we were out there, I ran into Becky's friend Cindy. I convinced her to come in and join us for awhile.

The three of us went back inside. When I ordered food, I was trying to make sure it would be gluten free. Then the guy who had offered me a smoke was trying to get them to cancel my order so I would go with him to the pizza place and get a gluten free pizza! I was like, no I'm staying here!

At that point, I was very drunk. "I'm so fucking drunk right now," I announced. Tim promptly poured me a glass of water, which I proceeded to pour all over my lap.

Tim: You're a hot mess.
Me: I am.
Tim: Seriously though, stay until 10. I'll give you a ride home.
Me: Ok.

By that point, the one guy was trying extra hard to get me to go with him to the pizza place.

Me: NO.
Tim: She's staying here, bud.

!!!!!! Aww, he was looking out for me!

The other guy slid over and took the first guy's seat next to me. After awhile, Cindy left to go watch a sports game. The guy was flirting with me, but also talking about his girlfriend. Weird. All the while, Tim was making sure I had enough water.

Tim: How are you doing, champ?
Me: Gooooooood.
Tim: Well I'll take you home soon.

At 10 pm, he came over to my side of the bar and put his hands on my shoulders. "Ok, let's roll," he said.

In the car, he started out by saying, "You sure attract a lot of attention." Haha. Then he surprised me by opening up to me about himself. He hadn't really done that before. He was telling me about his goals and what he wants to do in Vegas.

Tim: I'm out of here in 9 days.
Me: Well... that's sad...

Yes, I said that. Then I was talking about how our department trip to Nevada got moved to a week in August, and how we probably wouldn't be going to Vegas anymore because the plan is to drive out there instead of fly.

Tim: I'll be away for one week that month visiting home. I hope it's not the same week.

Aww, that means he wants to keep in touch with me! Even if he has to drive to northern Nevada to see me. I mean, assuming he wasn't just telling me what I want to hear...

Anyway, he pulled up to my building but didn't pull into my parking spot. He immediately said to me, "have a good night." Since he didn't want to come in, I didn't ask him to come in. Even though I wanted him to come in.

This is the third time that he could have taken advantage of me, but didn't. He took care of me when I was super drunk. It's so cute.



And here I go again, obsessing over every detail when I know he doesn't like me like that. But honestly... you read it. How could I not?

The Invention

Ever since I tabled work on my novel, I've learned a lot more about how people work. While I've learned a few things, I still don't know how to extract the truth from people.

Most of the time, people lie. If you ask someone a direct question, the answer will be a lie; they don't want to hurt your feelings with the truth. Even if you don't ask a direct question, people will volunteer lies if they feel like they should tell you what you want to hear. In these cases, it's more important to listen to what people are NOT saying. That's how you know what they're feeling.

But other times, people will tell the truth. You're supposed to listen to what they say to you, because they're telling you the truth. In these cases, you're supposed to follow what they say over what they don't say. How the fuck are you actually supposed to tell that it's the truth though?

Even if you know the truth, that doesn't change your feelings. I know that Tim doesn't like me, but that doesn't stop me from liking him. Yet I was still surprised and upset when he didn't respond to my text message, even though I know that he doesn't like me.

What needs to be invented, then, is some sort of machine to change your feelings for you. When you know that the guy you like doesn't like you back, you should use it to suck out the remnants of your love so that you can move on with your life. That way, you won't be obsessing over every little shred of attention that he gives you. Not like I did that.

Anyway, I can't wait to get the fuck out of North Dakota. The people here annoy me.

I did manage to pull through and finish all my projects, in spite of what is probably a lupus flare. I'm really proud of myself for that. I hope I did alright on everything, but I guess it's ok if I didn't. I'm not a superhero, and I don't have superpowers. I can't expect myself to get a 4.0 when my body isn't working right.

I think I've lost a lot of weight too from the flare. I haven't been eating very much, because I haven't really been hungry. I do not know if I actually lost weight though, since I haven't had energy to go to the gym where the scale is.

I just have to stick it out another week for my one final, and then I get to go home to Boston. I get to see my Mom and Cameron and get Kimballs ice cream. Can't fucking wait.