Well, another semester come and gone.
Looking back, I can see that I had too much on my plate. 11 credits as a master's student, plus preliminary thesis work, plus applications for scholarships, grants, and competitions. Not to mention those internships.
I'm used to having a lot on my plate, but this was the first time I felt like I couldn't handle it all. My mystery illness didn't help things, either.
But even though I finished up this morning, I'm already starting to feel empty. I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore without all the work. I can tell that it's going to be a very lonely summer up here. I don't have many friends here at all, and even fewer people will be here over the summer. Plus, I'm losing Tim. I am so, so sad.
At least he and I took a beautiful picture together. I look absolutely stunning. It's arguably the best picture of me that exists, considering how not photogenic I am. I think it's because I was so happy to be there with him, wearing a pretty dress and his tie, with us so close together in the picture and his arm around my waist. Hannah told me that we look like an adorable couple. We really do! Our hair color matches... haha.
Literally I look at this photo an embarrassing number of times each day. I look so radiant because I'm on the edge of love. I feel like he would be the perfect guy for me if he returned my feelings. Which, I keep trying to remind myself, he doesn't.
That night was a complete mixed bag. There were some really cute moments. He was trying to fasten the tie on me, but was having trouble doing it on someone else. So he got behind me and was trying to do it from behind. Next, his friend asked me if I was sniffing my hair (I wasn't, I tend to rest my head on my hand in that way); Tim goes, "I want to." So I offered him a strand, and he was all "mmmmm." Then when my tab came back, I hadn't spent enough to pay with my credit card; Tim told them to put it on his tab instead. Finally, he made sure that someone gave me a ride home so I wouldn't have to walk alone.
Then there were some embarrassing moments. Apparently I can't keep any of my secrets when I'm drunk. I was telling him all about how some guy flicked my bean on the dance floor at a club the one time. And how a man's circumference matters, but it can't be too big because it will rip my vagina like the one dude, and how I was injured for a year after that. Yes, I used both hands to show him how big that guy had been.
Finally, there were the upsetting moments. He kind of abruptly asked me to give him his tie back. Then he didn't give me a ride home because he had walked over to the bar instead of driven. Then since everyone was leaving at the same time, I didn't get to properly say goodbye. I couldn't... tell him things. Also, my sister had told me I should try kissing him on the mouth and then walking away. I wanted to do that so bad, but I didn't want to do it in front of his friends.
I decided I couldn't leave it on such a sour note. I texted him a few days later to ask if I would see him again before he leaves. He had a really busy finals week, so he said probably not.
Me: Well, best of luck with everything. I'm glad I got to know you :)
Tim: Thanks, you too. I'm glad as well :) Let me know if you're in Vegas, we'll get drinks!
I guess it's the best I could have hoped for under the circumstances.
I really hope I see him again. I really hope so. Maybe there's more in store for us later in life.
Anyway, I hope I make more friends here. It will be a really lonely summer if I don't.
No comments:
Post a Comment