Downward Spiral

I still don't have a good solution for what to do about my problem. I tried therapy once and it was pretty bad. I'm not sure I want to subject myself to that again.

But I have to admit that I now have some pretty bad issues. I have these episodes where I hate everyone and everything. It's caused when something bad happens to me, and then depression by association. For instance, I had one yesterday because I was freaking out about my forearm. I finally had my full-body massage, and the massage therapist told me that she was unsurprised that I had had bone marrow edema in my wrist. Apparently everything in my forearm was extremely tense with a lot of "nodes" (?). So I called my physical therapist with my concerns, but she completely shrugged off everything. She told me that massage would be beneficial, but then said it would be unethical for her to okay it (for insurance coverage) because when I left there I hadn't had tension in my forearm. But then she was unconcerned that now I have tension there again. GAH!!! So then I got to thinking about how I didn't want to fuck it up again by doing the wrong thing. Maybe I was playing too much, even though I've been taking a few days off here and there for rest. But then that lead to me thinking about how I fuck everything up for my body. I go to the gym, and actually enjoy it, but I get injured. Then I started to think about how my personal life is a big old mess. And how Tim sucks for leading me on. It was just this downward spiral of suckiness, and I felt all alone. Aaliya tried to talk to me but I was a complete bitch because I felt so shitty.

Speaking of Tim, I've decided that I hate him. Earlier today, Leah said something really funny. She was like, "Guys are so stupid that they don't realize they like you until after they don't like you anymore." And that is so true. Tim fucking was interested, and interested, and confident in his pursuit. Then when I started to become interested, he apparently lost interest. Therefore, I hate him for making me like him and then losing interest before he realized that he liked me. Fucking hell. Cameron agrees with me. It's a perfectly good excuse to hate someone.

Well I can tell myself that all I want, but deep down I know it's not true. I still fucking like him. My god. He seems to like music almost as much as I do. During the party he kept diggin' the beats in the Harry Potter movies. Like he would be dancing in his seat just like I do. Fucking hell, it's so unfair. Then, when I started singing a song because someone had said something that reminded me of it, HE CHIMED IN. AND WE WERE SINGING A DUET. Plus. PLUS. He finds my sailor's mouth endearing. I said something to the effect of, "don't fucking cum on my face, you fucking cunt." His response was to crack up for about 10 minutes. ajflhaksjfh EARTH TO VERONICA snap out of it. You hate him for making you like him and then losing interest before he realized that he liked you. GET IT STRAIGHT.

The other thing that happens to me is that I now get anxiety attacks. I'll start to freak out because I'm afraid of people. I'll want to run away from them and hide. I feel like I can't breathe. That's when I smoke cigarettes. It seems to be the only thing that helps.