Extreme Fatigue

I think the ghosts of last year are haunting me, manifesting themselves as fatigue. My poor body. Without energy for a month now.

Well, I had energy one day. It was last Tuesday, I actually made it to the gym. I had so much energy, in fact, that I was considering going back to the gym. It had been so long since I had had energy that I didn't know what to do with it.

But then I crashed hard. Yesterday morning I had a decent amount of energy. Went grocery shopping with Ray and Starbucks, and then came home and cleaned my apartment/did laundry. But then, all of a sudden, I felt all my energy being sucked out of me. I was so drained that I had to go and lie down on my couch for an hour and a half. I was so exhausted that I couldn't even read. It was that bad. I actually felt like I was going to die from having my life force sucked out of me.

I mean I've tried everything I can think of. I thought I might be overtraining, so I stopped going to the gym. Didn't help at all. And I know it's not from a LACK of exercise, since I still walk 40 minutes every day to my building and back. I was hungry all the time, so I started eating more. I'm talking at least 500 calories more per day. I feel less hungry, but no less tired. Last night I got 11 hours of sleep, and I was exhausted by 8:30. I thought maybe it was because I wasn't spending enough time with my friends, so I started going out more. Hasn't helped. I thought I was experiencing sadness from not being in a big city anymore, so I've been going downtown more frequently. Nothing. I thought I was upset from not being able to play the viola, but I can play again and I'm trying to work my way back up. Nothing.

I am seriously going crazy. I might have a lot of stuff on my plate, but I have DEFINITELY had it way worse before, and never been so fatigued before in my life. I don't even feel that stressed out because I've been taking lots of breaks, playing viola, and seeing my friends. So it can't be from everyday stress.

I went to the doctor, which was extremely helpful (not). She was convinced that there was nothing seriously wrong with me. If things don't get better soon, I'll go back for a second opinion.


There is one more possibility-- it's the stress from last year coming back to ruin my body. It kind of makes sense, because I had three very traumatic experiences that occurred simultaneously. These 5 tips were in Cosmo, and I'll give them a try. I've already tried so much, that I'm willing to try anything.

Step 1: Talk to Future You

I don't even know where to begin. It's at the point where I've buried the pain deep down. It's not something that affects me all the time anymore, but I know that my suffering will continue for a long time. So will this affect me in 2019? Yes. Unfortunately, I think that it will. I lost two people that I loved. I got taken advantage of, which got me into serious trouble. I'm really ashamed about the mistakes that I made, that I got caught, and the consequences of those mistakes. I failed myself.

Step 2: Address the Consequences

How are these things making me miserable? I'll tell you how. I do not know how to not fuck up relationships. I've tried it all. I've tried keeping my feelings to myself; if my best friend mistreated me, I wouldn't say anything. Who lost in those instances? I did. I made myself believe that it was okay for others to treat me poorly. Then I tried standing up for myself. If I felt like I had been deeply wronged, I told the person that they had deeply upset me. How did that end? My "best friends" decided that I wasn't worth the effort, and that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. They didn't understand, even though I tried to explain, and then they stopped even trying to understand. Then I said screw it, I will only do me. How did that end? I lost a friend for sleeping with her love interest. Then I lost my best friend for dating her ex-boyfriend.

What hurt me the most was when Ray told me he didn't care about me anymore. That is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. When someone you love does not even care about you anymore.

But I think the actions that had the most consequences, which both Ray and Mara did, are that they fooled me. They made me believe that they loved me. Try getting a double-dose of that from two people you love. But really, Ray only wanted someone to fuck for the summer. Mara for some reason couldn't be honest with me and didn't trust me, before I had given her any reason to doubt me.

The consequence of this, of course, that I am scared of love. I'm scared of other people. I'm scared that all the people who I care about most will change their minds and decide that they don't even care about me anymore. I'm scared that the people I love are actually using me for their own personal gain. I'm scared that the people I love are actually planning to hurt me; fooling me into thinking that they care about me so that I'll be even more vulnerable for them to cause me pain. Especially if I'm stupid enough to tell them how I have been hurt before, that's like giving them a map of exactly how to cause me excruciating pain. It's not safe for me to love anyone. It's not safe for me to trust anyone. I've become so cynical. Now, I think about ways that the person could be trying to hurt me. It sucks.

What sucks is that I do not know how to move on from all this. Like I said, I've tried it all. I've tried pleasing others all the time, pleasing myself when it really matters, and finally just pleasing myself all the time. All three had the same result: I lost out. I lost friends. I was unhappy.

I have been grieving about these things for a very long time. It's been 7-8 months since I got in trouble. It's been 5 months since Ray cut my heart open with a piece of glass. It's been 4 months since Mara fooled me into thinking that she cared. I have suffered for a very long time. When I finally thought I was getting over it, I get slammed with extreme fatigue. I might have recovered from this, but with a very fine line. I do not know if I could recover from anything like this happening to me again.

Step 3: Relabel the events

1. If you're going to break the law, at least do it for people who mean something to you. That way if you get in trouble, at least it was for someone who actually matters.
2. Learn how to read people better. Trust your instinct better.
3. A healthy amount of cynicism/skepticism will go a long way.
4. Make people prove themselves more before they get to be in your inner circle.


Before I get to steps 4 and 5, I have to figure out my new plan of action.