Finally A Good Day

Well, I think I have it figured out now. This is my second day in a row where I've actually had energy. It's fantastic!

Either I had some sort of virus that kept me fatigued for a full month, or it was my emotional problem. My emotional problem. I am terrified of people.

That had to have been it. Once I figured that out, I had a really bad anxiety attack. I was completely terrified and scared for about 20 minutes. I texted my friends about it, and Aaliya was really helpful. She said that she had known all along that I hadn't been over the Ray situation. She said she could tell that it had really torn me up.

Well, that was news to me. I thought I had been doing a lot better. But apparently, even though I am deeply afraid of people "fooling" me, I was somehow able to fool myself. On that note, I cannot follow Cosmo's last advice. Some of the advice said to picture the bad things getting smaller and smaller in your mind. Well, I'm not doing that. Doing that will just lead to more bottling up of these emotions. It took a full month of extreme fatigue for me to understand that what was actually happening to me was a result of bottling. I don't intend to repeat that mistake.

Also, I think I'm beyond the point where the other Cosmo advice would help. The advice said to give the moping a time limit so that you're not in a perpetually bad mood. I'm not going to do that either. If I need to give into it, I need to give into it. I'll take as long as I need.

Anyway, for the first few days after the realization hit, I felt extremely awful. I had forgotten what the pain felt like. I wanted to be around other people as little as possible. I tried to study with Becky, but the majority of the time I felt shaky and scared, and I wanted to hide under her office mate's desk and be by myself.

It's gotten a lot better though. I've been going out of my way to talk to people. I feel a lot less afraid now. I'm still afraid of loving people though.


Anyway, today was really good. My valentine was my espresso machine. I wrote a very moving haiku dedicated to it. Erin gave me chocolate too :) Then so many people asked me about plans this weekend. We're going to the hockey game tomorrow night, and the department is going out for sushi. Ned invited me out to the bar tonight, but I didn't go there. Enough drinking will be had on Sunday, for Tim's Harry Potter party.

Tim. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of interested. It was a turn-on how confident he was. And as per Cal's rule, it wouldn't matter. We both aim to live in Las Vegas. It's not certain that either of us will end up there, but we both WANT to be there. Which is something, anyway. But the situation is a little complicated because he used to be my student. It's a little awkward still..

But I got a lot done today anyway for my teaching next week. That, and I got a bit done on my proposal, which is due in 2 weeks so I need to get cracking. I made it to the gym and did 23 minutes on the elliptical, followed by stretching. I played viola for 35 minutes and finally made it to octaves. Right now I'm lounging around in my thermals. So comfy! Better than lying around in leggings haha.