Feeling Debussy

I keep listening to Debussy on repeat. I feel like Arabesque #1, Reverie, and Clair de Lune describe my emotions right now. They are so beautiful.

One of the things that bothered me about Ray was that he seemed to be afraid to look stupid in public. I took this hilarious picture of him and posted it on Facebook because it cracked me up so much. I wasn't laughing at him, I was laughing with him. Making fun of him in a good-natured sort of way. But he made me remove it. I thought there was something wrong with the fact that Ray was afraid to make fun of himself. I'm constantly making fun of myself, because I've learned it's best not to take myself so seriously.

I'm really attracted to Tim's confidence. It's so refreshing. He's not afraid to wear pink socks, give people manicures, discuss the hotness of men, and admit to tearing up sometimes when watching movies, because he just doesn't care. He's comfortable enough with his sexuality to do those things, instead of not doing them because they're "gay" or "feminine."

It's like how I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to discuss the hotness of women, to curse like a sailor, to strength-train at the gym, and to always be "real." Yes, I'm a real person. Both good and bad things happen to me. I'm comfortable enough to share both. I'm not about putting up a front that everything in my life is always peaches and sunshine, because it's not.

Also, Tim does things because he thinks they're hilarious. He wears racy lingerie as a joke. He's not afraid to publicly make fun of himself. I think it's awesome.

Plus, Tim was confident in approaching me. He wasn't afraid to befriend me, even though I was his teacher. Such a turn-on. Then in addition, he treated me like a queen, which is an even bigger turn-on.

I love how he makes me feel so Debussy. It's great.


But now the tricky part is trying to hang out with him more. I always hate this part. You can't seem TOO interested because it will turn off the other person. But you have to seem interested ENOUGH so that they don't lose interest. This part of social dynamics is stupid and sucks.

Plus, Fred told me I should just ask him out, but I know I can't. Society doesn't have the gender equality in place for that to actually work. If I ask out a guy, that allows him the freedom to treat me like a shit and use me for sex. If he asks me out, the odds are less that he will treat me like shit. It's because he's declaring interest in dating me if he asks me out, but if I ask him out, he never has to officially declare that interest.