Crohn's disease really fucking sucks. I know that I'm actually lucky-- it doesn't really act up unless I travel. But it fucking acts up EVERY TIME I travel. I feel like I age 20 years and am disabled.
It's really bad this time. This whole weekend I've been in pain. I have not been able to eat like usual. I tried eating an apple for breakfast the other day and felt so sick as I was eating it that I couldn't finish it. And at the same time I feel bloated and nasty. Plus, usually I'm a really fast walker, but I've had to walk real slow, doubled over from my back and stomach hurting at the same time.
It takes a lot of effort to go on as normal. It would be easier if everyone knew about it. That way, they wouldn't think I'm boring or disinterested in what's going on every time I take a seat when everyone else is standing.
And yet, that's a really personal thing to be telling people. It was hard enough telling them that I'm on probation (but that was necessary because I didn't want them to get me in trouble). I just told Kyle though. He and I walked back to the hostel from the UND alumni party together, and we got to talking and it turns out we have a lot in common. I told him because I felt like I should tell someone.
He understands what it's like. He is deaf in one ear, so he has a similar problem: people think he hates them because he doesn't respond when they try to talk to him sometimes, but really it's because he doesn't hear them talking to him.
It makes me wonder though, if I've ever misjudged someone for a disability that I never knew that they had. If you know that the person has a disability, it's easier not to misjudge. But it's still not 100% foolproof. For instance, Ben has Asperger's syndrome. I don't really know much about Asperger's, other than it's a form of social anxiety/awkwardness. But I wonder if some of the things Ben did that had bothered me were a result of his Asperger's. Since I don't know much about it, it's hard for me to say whether it was just his disability that made him act that way or if he was actually being a chauvinistic dick like I thought.
Maybe that's what happened with Ray, and also with Joanna and Kelsey. They all ended up not liking me because they thought I made mountains out of molehills. To them, maybe it seemed that way. But to me, I was angry with them because they did not respect me. I do not tolerate disrespect from anyone. (Well, ok. I guess I tolerate it from my family. But I can't just never talk to my family again.) But friends and boyfriends are different. I will not tolerate any disrespect from friends or boyfriends. That is the bare bones of what happened in the Ray situation and in the Joanna/Kelsey situation. In both situations, I felt like they were not treating me like an equal. I felt like they felt I was inferior to them or something and that I was not their equal. In fact, that is also what Mara just did.
I like to think that I'm a fairly tolerant person. It actually takes a lot for me to become really angry with someone. I might get annoyed here and there, but a lot of the time the annoyance is so minor that I don't bother bringing it up with the person. The whole "picking your battles" thing at work. But then for some reason, people are surprised when I actually get really angry about something and then they abandon ship. And one of the things that makes me really angry-- so angry that I will end a friendship or relationship-- is when someone does not treat me like their equal.
How hard is it to treat someone like your equal? Why is it so easy for people to think that someone else is inferior to them? Especially best friends or boyfriends?
This is another thing that I just do not understand. It bothers me that people who claim to really care about me end up mistreating me and thinking I'm inferior to them in some way.
And then, the fact that they don't even admit that they did anything wrong, is seriously questionable. Ray refuses to acknowledge that I was actually the one to break up with him. He was being a dick and not treating me like an equal, so I was given no choice. And yet every time he talked about "breaking up with me" and I corrected him, he would get all shirty and argue with me that I'm not allowed to claim breakup rights because it was a stupid thing to break up with him for.
Um, actually, it wasn't. If he thought I was going to let him make me wait a full day for him to break up with me, he was fucking wrong. I even told him that I needed the conversation to be sooner because of all the anxiety it would have caused me to postpone it. And yet he refused to come to my apartment after work, when he was the one who had tried to break up with me the second before I went into work, and yet I'm somehow the unreasonable one for asking him to walk home afterward. It's not even like he wasn't capable of walking the distance, seeing as how he said he was going to make the walk the very next day with his friend. It's just that he didn't care enough about me to do it. He didn't care at all that he was making me miserable and causing me great anxiety. He didn't even care that it was a shitty thing for him to do to try to break up with me right outside the door to my work.
He was not treating me like an equal, so I had had enough. It's that simple. If you want to stay in my life, then you had better treat me like your equal.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Repairing Professional Relationships
Well I ran into Colin today. It was very awkward.
I went to the PSU alumni gathering earlier tonight, and I was chatting with a few people when I just happened to look over. There was Colin.
He looked at me, looked away, looked back at me, and looked away. Then he proceeded to ignore me for the whole night. The only time he acknowledged my presence at all was when we passed each other on the stairs, and we forced a "Hey."
I really don't understand why he's acting like that. Either he really, really didn't like me, or he knew that I had a thing for him. I'm not sure how he would have found out that I had a thing for him, because it wasn't something that I had talked about with any of my colleagues. So probably he really hadn't liked me, and he had just been one more person who had fooled me, by being friendly and joking around with me when I took his class.
Anyway, I have further insight as to why the people said it was good to see me. Earlier today I ran into my old professor. This is the professor who had been extremely mad at me over field camp, who had threatened to send me home over that whole nasty business with the car. Ever since then it has been really awkward whenever I've seen him.
When I saw him, I tried my best to be pleasant and engage him in conversation. He did not say that it was good to see me. In fact, he kind of dismissed me after briefly chatting with me.
After this interaction I felt kind of bad about myself. I had made a mistake, yes. I had allowed my "friends" to persuade me, against my better judgment, to drive them to Salt Lake City on our free day when we weren't supposed to. Then on the next free day, I had gone nutso and driven an hour to a Starbucks (in my defense, I wasn't about to go hang out in the only coffee shop in the town, because all the TA's were there grading and in bad moods. And I didn't want to see them anyway because I was mad at all of them. And I'm fucking addicted to Starbucks coffee and they do not have it in the West unless you go to a big city). At the time I realized it was a bad mistake. It had been irresponsible of me. However, I didn't fully realize the extent of my mistake until today. The full extent of my mistake was that I had damaged a relationship with my teacher, who has now become more of a business colleague. Great job, Veronica.
So I asked my friend Erin how to best interact with someone who doesn't like you. Erin is a PhD student in my field who is really smart. She told me that time heals all wounds, and that the best thing I could say to him would be to tell him that I had learned a lot from him and that I was glad to see him.
So that got me thinking that maybe, those other people I saw who I thought didn't like me... maybe they actually do like me. But they think I don't like them. Maybe that's why they're saying it was good to see me-- they don't want there to be any negativity between us in the future.
And I'm fine with that. My main reason for not liking them in the first place was because I thought they didn't like me. If they actually do like me, then that's stupid. Or maybe they're trying to give me another chance because they see that we are interacting in the professional world. Who knows.
All I know is, I want to have better relationships with my old professors and colleagues. I have good relationships with a lot of them, but on the other hand there are a few too many who don't want to talk to me when they see me. I don't know what I did to give the professors that impression (aside from the one mentioned above). I've always been a good student-- hard-working and asking lots of questions-- so it wouldn't have been about my academic performance. But whatever it is, I want to fix it.
At this point in my life I've come to think of my professors as friends/colleagues/mentors. I used to think that they were scary and that I was only supposed to think of them as my professors. But that's the wrong attitude. Because when you come across them in the business world, you want them to smile and be genuinely happy to see you. You don't want them to pretend not to see you, or blow you off, or avoid you. I wish somebody had told me this when I was doing my undergrad, but maybe it's something I had to learn myself from making mistakes.
I went to the PSU alumni gathering earlier tonight, and I was chatting with a few people when I just happened to look over. There was Colin.
He looked at me, looked away, looked back at me, and looked away. Then he proceeded to ignore me for the whole night. The only time he acknowledged my presence at all was when we passed each other on the stairs, and we forced a "Hey."
I really don't understand why he's acting like that. Either he really, really didn't like me, or he knew that I had a thing for him. I'm not sure how he would have found out that I had a thing for him, because it wasn't something that I had talked about with any of my colleagues. So probably he really hadn't liked me, and he had just been one more person who had fooled me, by being friendly and joking around with me when I took his class.
Anyway, I have further insight as to why the people said it was good to see me. Earlier today I ran into my old professor. This is the professor who had been extremely mad at me over field camp, who had threatened to send me home over that whole nasty business with the car. Ever since then it has been really awkward whenever I've seen him.
When I saw him, I tried my best to be pleasant and engage him in conversation. He did not say that it was good to see me. In fact, he kind of dismissed me after briefly chatting with me.
After this interaction I felt kind of bad about myself. I had made a mistake, yes. I had allowed my "friends" to persuade me, against my better judgment, to drive them to Salt Lake City on our free day when we weren't supposed to. Then on the next free day, I had gone nutso and driven an hour to a Starbucks (in my defense, I wasn't about to go hang out in the only coffee shop in the town, because all the TA's were there grading and in bad moods. And I didn't want to see them anyway because I was mad at all of them. And I'm fucking addicted to Starbucks coffee and they do not have it in the West unless you go to a big city). At the time I realized it was a bad mistake. It had been irresponsible of me. However, I didn't fully realize the extent of my mistake until today. The full extent of my mistake was that I had damaged a relationship with my teacher, who has now become more of a business colleague. Great job, Veronica.
So I asked my friend Erin how to best interact with someone who doesn't like you. Erin is a PhD student in my field who is really smart. She told me that time heals all wounds, and that the best thing I could say to him would be to tell him that I had learned a lot from him and that I was glad to see him.
So that got me thinking that maybe, those other people I saw who I thought didn't like me... maybe they actually do like me. But they think I don't like them. Maybe that's why they're saying it was good to see me-- they don't want there to be any negativity between us in the future.
And I'm fine with that. My main reason for not liking them in the first place was because I thought they didn't like me. If they actually do like me, then that's stupid. Or maybe they're trying to give me another chance because they see that we are interacting in the professional world. Who knows.
All I know is, I want to have better relationships with my old professors and colleagues. I have good relationships with a lot of them, but on the other hand there are a few too many who don't want to talk to me when they see me. I don't know what I did to give the professors that impression (aside from the one mentioned above). I've always been a good student-- hard-working and asking lots of questions-- so it wouldn't have been about my academic performance. But whatever it is, I want to fix it.
At this point in my life I've come to think of my professors as friends/colleagues/mentors. I used to think that they were scary and that I was only supposed to think of them as my professors. But that's the wrong attitude. Because when you come across them in the business world, you want them to smile and be genuinely happy to see you. You don't want them to pretend not to see you, or blow you off, or avoid you. I wish somebody had told me this when I was doing my undergrad, but maybe it's something I had to learn myself from making mistakes.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Reminiscing
Ever since I started going to UND, I've remembered PSU with fondness. Even though last summer I completely fucked up my life there, I still missed the place that was my home for 5 years.
However, today I actually remembered what it was like to NOT like PSU. I'm here in Denver at the GSA conference, and I was looking through the list of presenters to see if I knew anyone. I got excited because my PSU thesis advisor is giving a talk on Tuesday. Then I flipped to look at his talk, and he's presenting with asshole Colin.
Colin was my TA for a class I took a few years ago who I kind of had a thing for. He seemed friendly with me too, so after the class was over I friended him on Facebook. He ended up ignoring my friend request and then it was really awkward whenever I saw him around the building.
But whatever. It turned out that there were a lot of people from PSU here at the conference who I remembered didn't like me. That's when I remembered that most of my geoscience colleagues at PSU did not like me much at all. In fact, I had been shunned from my first field camp experience because they thought I was a wacky, music-obsessed, flirtaceous, dumb person with unrealistic goals for myself and weird humor. My second field camp experience hadn't been much better. My "friends" sold me out and got me in trouble for something that we all had done. I had to take the full blame for it. Then to add insult to injury, they paired me with one of them for the next exercise to be partners. While some people left field camp with good friends, I left it angry. I hadn't made the effort to make friends because of how I had been shunned the first time. As a result, they all thought I didn't like them, and so they didn't like me. Even the people I had gotten closer to during field camp weren't really friends afterward. They were more like acquaintances who never talked to me or hung out anymore.
In general, my PSU colleagues were competitive and nasty. This applies to both my geoscience colleagues and my music colleagues. Maybe it's because I didn't really fit in with either group because I was a double major. I don't know. I mean, there were some exceptions of course. But not many. I felt like everyone in all of my classes hated me and thought I was stupid. I had to spend time proving to them that I'm actually pretty smart.
And that's not the way it should be at all. The way it should be is how it is here at UND. Everyone in my department is friendly to me and nice. They value my opinion and ask for it. They are supportive and tell me that I did a good job on my presentations. I don't have to prove to them that I'm smart because they never doubted that I was. I don't have to prove to them that I'm funny and cool, because they always thought that.
Even when I got stressed out on the drive over here, people were nice about it. I got stressed out because everyone started drinking alcohol in the car, and I'm on probation and was worried that I would get in trouble for their drinking and they would resume my charges. This is how it went down:
Me: I should have bought cigarettes in there.
Jeff: You smoke?
Me: I stress smoke.
Jeff: So you're stressed right now?
Me: Yeah... you're all drinking and I'm kind of on probation... I'm just saying right now that I have no part in this drinking.
Jeff: We'll take the full blame for it.
And then later, after we got to Denver, Jeff took out another beer while we were driving to the hotel. But then he glanced at me and didn't end up opening it.
I'm glad that my colleagues respect me enough like that. I'm glad that they actually like me and that I don't have to prove anything to them. Because that's just the way it should be.
I may have seen three PSU people who I don't really like and who don't really like me. And all three of them told me that they were glad to see me. I'm not sure whether to believe them or not, seeing as how I don't trust anyone. They were probably just saying it to be nice and didn't actually mean it.
However, today I actually remembered what it was like to NOT like PSU. I'm here in Denver at the GSA conference, and I was looking through the list of presenters to see if I knew anyone. I got excited because my PSU thesis advisor is giving a talk on Tuesday. Then I flipped to look at his talk, and he's presenting with asshole Colin.
Colin was my TA for a class I took a few years ago who I kind of had a thing for. He seemed friendly with me too, so after the class was over I friended him on Facebook. He ended up ignoring my friend request and then it was really awkward whenever I saw him around the building.
But whatever. It turned out that there were a lot of people from PSU here at the conference who I remembered didn't like me. That's when I remembered that most of my geoscience colleagues at PSU did not like me much at all. In fact, I had been shunned from my first field camp experience because they thought I was a wacky, music-obsessed, flirtaceous, dumb person with unrealistic goals for myself and weird humor. My second field camp experience hadn't been much better. My "friends" sold me out and got me in trouble for something that we all had done. I had to take the full blame for it. Then to add insult to injury, they paired me with one of them for the next exercise to be partners. While some people left field camp with good friends, I left it angry. I hadn't made the effort to make friends because of how I had been shunned the first time. As a result, they all thought I didn't like them, and so they didn't like me. Even the people I had gotten closer to during field camp weren't really friends afterward. They were more like acquaintances who never talked to me or hung out anymore.
In general, my PSU colleagues were competitive and nasty. This applies to both my geoscience colleagues and my music colleagues. Maybe it's because I didn't really fit in with either group because I was a double major. I don't know. I mean, there were some exceptions of course. But not many. I felt like everyone in all of my classes hated me and thought I was stupid. I had to spend time proving to them that I'm actually pretty smart.
And that's not the way it should be at all. The way it should be is how it is here at UND. Everyone in my department is friendly to me and nice. They value my opinion and ask for it. They are supportive and tell me that I did a good job on my presentations. I don't have to prove to them that I'm smart because they never doubted that I was. I don't have to prove to them that I'm funny and cool, because they always thought that.
Even when I got stressed out on the drive over here, people were nice about it. I got stressed out because everyone started drinking alcohol in the car, and I'm on probation and was worried that I would get in trouble for their drinking and they would resume my charges. This is how it went down:
Me: I should have bought cigarettes in there.
Jeff: You smoke?
Me: I stress smoke.
Jeff: So you're stressed right now?
Me: Yeah... you're all drinking and I'm kind of on probation... I'm just saying right now that I have no part in this drinking.
Jeff: We'll take the full blame for it.
And then later, after we got to Denver, Jeff took out another beer while we were driving to the hotel. But then he glanced at me and didn't end up opening it.
I'm glad that my colleagues respect me enough like that. I'm glad that they actually like me and that I don't have to prove anything to them. Because that's just the way it should be.
I may have seen three PSU people who I don't really like and who don't really like me. And all three of them told me that they were glad to see me. I'm not sure whether to believe them or not, seeing as how I don't trust anyone. They were probably just saying it to be nice and didn't actually mean it.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Lying
Maybe the problem isn't that people are bad at communicating. Maybe the problem is simply that everyone lies. All of the time.
I just don't understand it. It's one thing for a white lie here and there. In instances where your friend can't just go and change or fix her outfit, it's fine to tell her that no, her jeans don't make her look fat. Don't inform her that she has deodorant stains on her shirt. You know, that sort of thing.
But what I can't understand is why people just lie unprecedented. If I don't ask them for their opinion, why do they feel the need to lie to me?
For instance, Lawrence went to see me play in the symphony. After the concert, he texted me saying it had been a wonderful concert, and he wanted to meet up with me to discuss it. Then, a few days later, he was telling me about how his mom thought he had spent a fortune on the tickets, and he said, "No, tickets cost a lot for GOOD orchestras. This wasn't."
Then why did you tell me that we did a good job??? I didn't ask you for your opinion! So why would you say it was wonderful if I didn't even ask?
Similarly, my ex-best friend Jeanne told me after a talent show that my group had been the best and that she had voted for me. Then, moments later, our mutual friend confided to me that she hadn't actually voted for me.
Like, it's one thing if I had asked her how we did or asked her who she had voted for. But I didn't ask. Yet she still felt the need to lie to me and tell me she voted for me.
I just don't understand. What's the point of lying to someone in that way? What are people trying to accomplish by doing that?
Then of course, there's the whole thing where people pretend that everything is fine, only to lash out later to say that it's not. So many people in my life have been guilty of this-- Mara and Ray, Jeanne, so many others. They all led me to believe that everything was just swell with us. Yet it wasn't. And for some reason they felt the need to mislead me into thinking that it was.
I do not understand it, but I wish I did. I want to know why people are so awful like that. Why can't they just be honest? Everything would be so much easier. There would be no guess-work. No questions. No misunderstandings.
Becky asked me the other day what my super-power would be if I could have one. The power I would have is to force people to tell me the truth. But only if I ask them for it.
Maybe the bitches and the assholes are onto something. Maybe it's just better to be upfront about how rude and inconsiderate you are, instead of lying about it, pretending that you're nice, sweet and innocent, and then waiting to unleash the inner beast once your prey is lulled into a false sense of security.
I just don't understand it. It's one thing for a white lie here and there. In instances where your friend can't just go and change or fix her outfit, it's fine to tell her that no, her jeans don't make her look fat. Don't inform her that she has deodorant stains on her shirt. You know, that sort of thing.
But what I can't understand is why people just lie unprecedented. If I don't ask them for their opinion, why do they feel the need to lie to me?
For instance, Lawrence went to see me play in the symphony. After the concert, he texted me saying it had been a wonderful concert, and he wanted to meet up with me to discuss it. Then, a few days later, he was telling me about how his mom thought he had spent a fortune on the tickets, and he said, "No, tickets cost a lot for GOOD orchestras. This wasn't."
Then why did you tell me that we did a good job??? I didn't ask you for your opinion! So why would you say it was wonderful if I didn't even ask?
Similarly, my ex-best friend Jeanne told me after a talent show that my group had been the best and that she had voted for me. Then, moments later, our mutual friend confided to me that she hadn't actually voted for me.
Like, it's one thing if I had asked her how we did or asked her who she had voted for. But I didn't ask. Yet she still felt the need to lie to me and tell me she voted for me.
I just don't understand. What's the point of lying to someone in that way? What are people trying to accomplish by doing that?
Then of course, there's the whole thing where people pretend that everything is fine, only to lash out later to say that it's not. So many people in my life have been guilty of this-- Mara and Ray, Jeanne, so many others. They all led me to believe that everything was just swell with us. Yet it wasn't. And for some reason they felt the need to mislead me into thinking that it was.
I do not understand it, but I wish I did. I want to know why people are so awful like that. Why can't they just be honest? Everything would be so much easier. There would be no guess-work. No questions. No misunderstandings.
Becky asked me the other day what my super-power would be if I could have one. The power I would have is to force people to tell me the truth. But only if I ask them for it.
Maybe the bitches and the assholes are onto something. Maybe it's just better to be upfront about how rude and inconsiderate you are, instead of lying about it, pretending that you're nice, sweet and innocent, and then waiting to unleash the inner beast once your prey is lulled into a false sense of security.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Project Excitement
I'm getting really excited for Project Excitement! I can't put it into place quite yet, because before that happens I need to be able to reliably wake up on time. But I think it's a great idea, and I'm getting excited for it all the same.
Problems with waking up on time come from:
I'm not quite sure how to fix that yet... I'm working on it. I have tried before the getting out of bed to shut off the alarm method, and that did work for awhile, but then I would start getting back in bed after I had shut off my alarm. So then it didn't work anymore.
But anyway, the goals of Project Excitement are as follows:
My computer is in the shop (again), but since I don't have any pressing work to get done, I find that I actually don't mind. I realized that I spend too much time online. It's not even that I waste time online, it's that I have like 6 emails that I check like every 5 minutes. So if I reduce the number of times I check my emails, etc, then I'll have more time for fun things. Like playing the viola. And reading books for fun. And watching movies/tv shows.
It's still in the works, but this is what my ideal day would look like (based on my class schedule for this semester).
Every Day's Morning
Wake up 6 am
Eat breakfast and read a book for fun
Gym 6:15 am - 7:45 am
Shower/get ready
Check emails until 8:40 am
Leave for class/the office
I would plan to stay in the office/class until 4 every day (4:30 on Tuesdays). So then I should have 5 work hours on Monday, 3.5 on Tuesday, 3 on Wednesday, 5 on Thursday, and 4 on Friday. I would use this time first to work on stressful long-term things (get them done first) and then work on short-term things. Also, to do annoying errand/like things for maybe half an hour.
Then 4:14 (4:45) I'd start dinner, and read for fun.
After dinner, practice viola for 1.5 hours. (probably ending 7:15 ish).
Then go and do some more work for a few hours (9:15)
Snack/read for fun
Then read geothermal literature for an hour (10:30)
Then network/career for an hour. (11:30)
So right now, I don't really know how much time I should allow each day for the errand-like things, the networking/careering, and the reading geothermal literature. I guess that's something I'll figure out as I go.
But also, I don't want to over-schedule myself (because that also leads to stress). There should be some leeway for changing things around and hanging out, etc.
Problems with waking up on time come from:
- being too comfortable to get out of bed
- being too warm to get out of bed
- being too tired to get up
- knowing that I don't "have" to be anywhere until later
I'm not quite sure how to fix that yet... I'm working on it. I have tried before the getting out of bed to shut off the alarm method, and that did work for awhile, but then I would start getting back in bed after I had shut off my alarm. So then it didn't work anymore.
But anyway, the goals of Project Excitement are as follows:
- Make me more excited about my life
- Make me happier
- Make me less stressed out
My computer is in the shop (again), but since I don't have any pressing work to get done, I find that I actually don't mind. I realized that I spend too much time online. It's not even that I waste time online, it's that I have like 6 emails that I check like every 5 minutes. So if I reduce the number of times I check my emails, etc, then I'll have more time for fun things. Like playing the viola. And reading books for fun. And watching movies/tv shows.
It's still in the works, but this is what my ideal day would look like (based on my class schedule for this semester).
Every Day's Morning
Wake up 6 am
Eat breakfast and read a book for fun
Gym 6:15 am - 7:45 am
Shower/get ready
Check emails until 8:40 am
Leave for class/the office
I would plan to stay in the office/class until 4 every day (4:30 on Tuesdays). So then I should have 5 work hours on Monday, 3.5 on Tuesday, 3 on Wednesday, 5 on Thursday, and 4 on Friday. I would use this time first to work on stressful long-term things (get them done first) and then work on short-term things. Also, to do annoying errand/like things for maybe half an hour.
Then 4:14 (4:45) I'd start dinner, and read for fun.
After dinner, practice viola for 1.5 hours. (probably ending 7:15 ish).
Then go and do some more work for a few hours (9:15)
Snack/read for fun
Then read geothermal literature for an hour (10:30)
Then network/career for an hour. (11:30)
So right now, I don't really know how much time I should allow each day for the errand-like things, the networking/careering, and the reading geothermal literature. I guess that's something I'll figure out as I go.
But also, I don't want to over-schedule myself (because that also leads to stress). There should be some leeway for changing things around and hanging out, etc.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
What I Wish I Could Say
Because Mara has made it clear that she has no interest in my point of view, I can't talk to her about anything. Why should I waste my time trying to talk to someone who doesn't want to hear what I have to say?
But if I'm going to truly move on, there are some things I need to tell her, which are as follows.
Dear Mara,
Setting aside for the moment your horrific treatment of me, there are some things I need to tell you. First of all, when you refused to talk about my point of view, you made me feel like my opinions and my point of view are invalid. That I'm not allowed to have my own point of view and that I'm just supposed to adopt your point of view. Well, if you think that, you're wrong. Nobody can have exactly the same point of view, because we are all different people. Plus, friends are supposed to try to understand each other's points of view. I don't mean that you have to agree with my point of view, I'm just saying that you need to understand it. You can understand it and then disagree with it if you like, but it is very important to me that you at least try to understand it. The fact that you refused to talk to me about my point of view indicates that you are a bad friend.
Now let me get into that point of view. To be clear, I am not blaming you for my mistake. I take full responsibility for the fact that I fucked your first boyfriend, after you had explicitly told me not to do that. I did it anyway, and I'm sorry. That was my mistake. I am not blaming you for the fact that I did that.
However, you need to realize that you made some mistakes of your own. And just like I'm not blaming you for my mistakes, you shouldn't be blaming me for yours. You need to take responsibility for your mistakes, it's that simple. If we both do that and learn from our mistakes, I can see us being great friends again someday.
You made the following mistakes:
Therefore, in the future, you need to be more honest with me. If you're telling me that a guy is off-limits, then you had better be honest with me about how you feel about him. If you're faking it till you make it, let me know that that's what you're doing. It's that simple.
That being said, maybe this isn't something you will understand for awhile. You're only 21. When I was 21, I hadn't yet learned that good is a point of view. Nobody thinks that they are evil when they do evil things. Everybody thinks that their own actions are justified. If they didn't, they wouldn't do them. I didn't learn this until I had just turned 23, so maybe you won't understand for a few years. But I hope that someday, you'll understand this concept. When that time comes, I'll be willing to discuss my point of view with you.
Also, you're going to have to forgive me if we're ever going to be friends. Friends don't think that someone is indebted to them for mistakes that they made. Friends don't hold those mistakes over each other.
So when you're ready to hear what I have to say, and when you're ready to forgive me, give me a call. Until then, I'm done.
Your Veronica
But if I'm going to truly move on, there are some things I need to tell her, which are as follows.
Dear Mara,
Setting aside for the moment your horrific treatment of me, there are some things I need to tell you. First of all, when you refused to talk about my point of view, you made me feel like my opinions and my point of view are invalid. That I'm not allowed to have my own point of view and that I'm just supposed to adopt your point of view. Well, if you think that, you're wrong. Nobody can have exactly the same point of view, because we are all different people. Plus, friends are supposed to try to understand each other's points of view. I don't mean that you have to agree with my point of view, I'm just saying that you need to understand it. You can understand it and then disagree with it if you like, but it is very important to me that you at least try to understand it. The fact that you refused to talk to me about my point of view indicates that you are a bad friend.
Now let me get into that point of view. To be clear, I am not blaming you for my mistake. I take full responsibility for the fact that I fucked your first boyfriend, after you had explicitly told me not to do that. I did it anyway, and I'm sorry. That was my mistake. I am not blaming you for the fact that I did that.
However, you need to realize that you made some mistakes of your own. And just like I'm not blaming you for my mistakes, you shouldn't be blaming me for yours. You need to take responsibility for your mistakes, it's that simple. If we both do that and learn from our mistakes, I can see us being great friends again someday.
You made the following mistakes:
- Not being honest with me about how you felt about Ray. You said that you were "faking it till you made it" in trying to get over him. But how was I supposed to know you were doing that? You didn't tell me. All I heard from you was that Ray was the "completely wrong guy for you" and that he was a "loser druggie who couldn't graduate." Those aren't the things you say when you still care about someone. I'm sorry, but they're not. If I had known you were faking it till you made it, it would have been different. I would have understood that you were saying those things not because you didn't care about him anymore, but because you wanted to get to the place where you didn't care about him anymore. Your mistake of not being honest with me led me to believe that you didn't care about Ray.
- Telling me not to date someone that you didn't care about. A direct result of #1, you mislead me into believing that you did not care about Ray anymore. So from my point of view, it was ridiculous that you were telling me not to date someone who you didn't even care about. You aren't allowed to reserve all the guys in the world for yourself. But if I know that you care about someone, I'm not going to step on your toes. I thought I was stupid that from my point of view, you didn't care about him, and still had the nerve to tell me he was off-limits.
- Telling me not to date your ex when I had given you absolutely no reason to doubt me. First of all, at this time I was not attracted to Ray and he was the last person I thought I would date. I told you this, and meant it at the time, and yet you still thought I would betray you somehow. I had never done anything to betray you before. It was kind of like a slap in the face, that you would assume I would do something like that when I hadn't yet given you any reason to doubt me or not to trust me. In fact, that kind of made me want to do it. If you were already assuming I would fail, when you had no reason to think that I would, and nothing I said would convince you that I wouldn't do it, I kind of just wanted to do it. I wanted to fail because you were convinced I would fail, and nothing I said would assure you that I wouldn't.
Therefore, in the future, you need to be more honest with me. If you're telling me that a guy is off-limits, then you had better be honest with me about how you feel about him. If you're faking it till you make it, let me know that that's what you're doing. It's that simple.
That being said, maybe this isn't something you will understand for awhile. You're only 21. When I was 21, I hadn't yet learned that good is a point of view. Nobody thinks that they are evil when they do evil things. Everybody thinks that their own actions are justified. If they didn't, they wouldn't do them. I didn't learn this until I had just turned 23, so maybe you won't understand for a few years. But I hope that someday, you'll understand this concept. When that time comes, I'll be willing to discuss my point of view with you.
Also, you're going to have to forgive me if we're ever going to be friends. Friends don't think that someone is indebted to them for mistakes that they made. Friends don't hold those mistakes over each other.
So when you're ready to hear what I have to say, and when you're ready to forgive me, give me a call. Until then, I'm done.
Your Veronica
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Bitch, Please
This situation has become drastic. Yesterday, I did the following in an effort to make the anger and anxiety go away:
Therefore, I've made a decision. If Mara is currently ignoring me and ignoring our problems, then that's her problem to deal with. I'm all for resolving the problem, but there's nothing I can do if she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. Therefore I'm going to assume that she and I are not going to be friends. She's doing what she has to do to feel better by ignoring me, and I'm doing what I have to do to feel better-- writing and ranting.
So Mara thinks that because I made a mistake, that gives her the right to hold that over me for the rest of my life. Well newsflash: stop being a petty bitch. When I contacted her a month ago, all I told her was that I forgave her for reneging and that if she ever wanted to try being friends again, then I would be for it. She was the one to send me the Facebook friend request. She was the one making me believe that she was ready this time to try it.
Well, she fooled me. She obviously hasn't forgiven me for dating Ray. She told me that she knew that he and I had slept together and that she was ok with that. Then, during our argument the other day, she said that I was "trying to make her feel bad for the fact that I fucked the first boy ever to date her." Does that sound like somebody who is "ok with that" to you??? Does it? No. The bitch was harboring resentment toward me the whole time she was pretending to be my friend again. Probably she wanted me to suffer more for fucking her first boyfriend. And if that was her goal, then she succeeded. Because fooling me was the worst thing she ever could have done to me. Not only did I constantly describe to her how hurt I was that Ray had fooled me, but I also talked about how that had caused me not to trust men anymore. I couldn't trust anything they said or did because one minute everything was fine and the next minute everything wasn't.
Then the bitch thought that that was a great thing to do to me. "Oh, I'll just pretend to be Veronica's friend again," she told herself. "I'll fool her into thinking that everything is alright with us and back to normal, but then just when she has a sense of security, I'll drop the bomb that I haven't forgiven her after all and that she is in fact indebted to me for making a mistake. Then I'll never let her forget about it."
Great job Mara, well done. You have fooled me. Congratulations. I hope you are pleased with what you have done. Now, not only can I not trust men, but I can't trust ANYONE. If you were trying to get back at me, then you succeeded. Even though you never had any right to be holding my mistake over me before, you sure as hell have absolutely no reason to do so ever again.
Then, she had to go and rub it in that other people are allowed to stay with her in her apartment, but I'm not. She had told me that when I come to visit in January, I'm not allowed to stay with her because it would freak out her quiet roommate. I thought this was kind of low, considering she was one of three people I was making the effort to come visit. But then she made it clear that she had just been lying to me (what else is new). Apparently, her roommate won't be freaked out by "her Danielles" visiting her. Her sister and her friend are allowed to stay in Mara's apartment AT THE SAME TIME. I mean, it's one thing if it's just her sister. Family is different. But her sister AND her friend AT THE SAME TIME?? Hopefully they won't be too rowdy, wouldn't want the quiet roommate to freak out.
She should have just been honest with me that it was too soon for me to visit her. But no, instead she had to lie to me about it and then slap me in the face with the truth.
Whatever. If she doesn't want to be my friend, then fine. I don't want or need petty bitches in my life.
- Smoked a cigarette. Fred even gave me the rest of his pack in case I had any more emergencies.
- Drank wine and read Cosmo
- Talked to Laura on the phone for an hour
- Ate pasta with alfredo sauce
- Drank wine and took a bubble bath
- Read one of my favorite books
Therefore, I've made a decision. If Mara is currently ignoring me and ignoring our problems, then that's her problem to deal with. I'm all for resolving the problem, but there's nothing I can do if she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. Therefore I'm going to assume that she and I are not going to be friends. She's doing what she has to do to feel better by ignoring me, and I'm doing what I have to do to feel better-- writing and ranting.
So Mara thinks that because I made a mistake, that gives her the right to hold that over me for the rest of my life. Well newsflash: stop being a petty bitch. When I contacted her a month ago, all I told her was that I forgave her for reneging and that if she ever wanted to try being friends again, then I would be for it. She was the one to send me the Facebook friend request. She was the one making me believe that she was ready this time to try it.
Well, she fooled me. She obviously hasn't forgiven me for dating Ray. She told me that she knew that he and I had slept together and that she was ok with that. Then, during our argument the other day, she said that I was "trying to make her feel bad for the fact that I fucked the first boy ever to date her." Does that sound like somebody who is "ok with that" to you??? Does it? No. The bitch was harboring resentment toward me the whole time she was pretending to be my friend again. Probably she wanted me to suffer more for fucking her first boyfriend. And if that was her goal, then she succeeded. Because fooling me was the worst thing she ever could have done to me. Not only did I constantly describe to her how hurt I was that Ray had fooled me, but I also talked about how that had caused me not to trust men anymore. I couldn't trust anything they said or did because one minute everything was fine and the next minute everything wasn't.
Then the bitch thought that that was a great thing to do to me. "Oh, I'll just pretend to be Veronica's friend again," she told herself. "I'll fool her into thinking that everything is alright with us and back to normal, but then just when she has a sense of security, I'll drop the bomb that I haven't forgiven her after all and that she is in fact indebted to me for making a mistake. Then I'll never let her forget about it."
Great job Mara, well done. You have fooled me. Congratulations. I hope you are pleased with what you have done. Now, not only can I not trust men, but I can't trust ANYONE. If you were trying to get back at me, then you succeeded. Even though you never had any right to be holding my mistake over me before, you sure as hell have absolutely no reason to do so ever again.
Then, she had to go and rub it in that other people are allowed to stay with her in her apartment, but I'm not. She had told me that when I come to visit in January, I'm not allowed to stay with her because it would freak out her quiet roommate. I thought this was kind of low, considering she was one of three people I was making the effort to come visit. But then she made it clear that she had just been lying to me (what else is new). Apparently, her roommate won't be freaked out by "her Danielles" visiting her. Her sister and her friend are allowed to stay in Mara's apartment AT THE SAME TIME. I mean, it's one thing if it's just her sister. Family is different. But her sister AND her friend AT THE SAME TIME?? Hopefully they won't be too rowdy, wouldn't want the quiet roommate to freak out.
She should have just been honest with me that it was too soon for me to visit her. But no, instead she had to lie to me about it and then slap me in the face with the truth.
Whatever. If she doesn't want to be my friend, then fine. I don't want or need petty bitches in my life.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Anger
I honestly do not remember the last time I was this angry at another person. It came close with Ray right after he "took it back" for the second time. However, in that situation I was far more hurt than I was angry. This time, I'm just completely angry. I'm listening to Eminem's "Kill You" and "Stan" pretty much on repeat. If I use those songs as an indicator it would mean that the last time I was this angry at other people was at field camp two summers ago, and my "friends" sold me out and I had to take the full blame for their actions in addition to my own.
And as we all know, I have problems with stress anxiety. I'm just not good at fighting with another person or having bad feelings with someone in my life. I want to resolve things as quickly as possible so that I can move on, stop stressing about it, and actually be able to focus on my work.
But in this case, I'm not able to initiate the conversation to resolve it. There's nothing I can do about it if she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. If she's not ready to hear my point of view, there's no moving forward. I can't force her to listen to something that she's not ready to hear.
So how am I dealing with it?
Talking to my friends about it helped a lot. I did that last night instead of working on my abstract for Presentation #3.
Now, I'm trying to work on it by taking frequent breaks to look at entertaining things. Some of my favorites:
1. Aladdin's Prince Ali never fails to crack me up. Then I start singing along and mimicking their voices.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEryAoLfnAA
2. 13 worst things to happen to a classical musician. Just... #3..... I can't.... hahahahahaha
http://www.classicfm.com/discover/music/worst-things-happen-classical-musician/
3. Listening to sexy classical music, such as Swan Lake introduction and waltz
I think I've reached the point where I need to buy my own pack of cigarettes. I've gotten by from bumming them off people so far when I need them for a good stress smoke. But this is really too much honestly.
And as we all know, I have problems with stress anxiety. I'm just not good at fighting with another person or having bad feelings with someone in my life. I want to resolve things as quickly as possible so that I can move on, stop stressing about it, and actually be able to focus on my work.
But in this case, I'm not able to initiate the conversation to resolve it. There's nothing I can do about it if she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. If she's not ready to hear my point of view, there's no moving forward. I can't force her to listen to something that she's not ready to hear.
So how am I dealing with it?
Talking to my friends about it helped a lot. I did that last night instead of working on my abstract for Presentation #3.
Now, I'm trying to work on it by taking frequent breaks to look at entertaining things. Some of my favorites:
1. Aladdin's Prince Ali never fails to crack me up. Then I start singing along and mimicking their voices.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEryAoLfnAA
2. 13 worst things to happen to a classical musician. Just... #3..... I can't.... hahahahahaha
http://www.classicfm.com/discover/music/worst-things-happen-classical-musician/
3. Listening to sexy classical music, such as Swan Lake introduction and waltz
I think I've reached the point where I need to buy my own pack of cigarettes. I've gotten by from bumming them off people so far when I need them for a good stress smoke. But this is really too much honestly.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Talking Through Problems
One thing I really don't understand is why people refuse to talk about unpleasant things in order to resolve a problem. Ignoring the problem is not going to make it go away. Well, unless you plan to cut the person out of your life completely and then change your phone number and email address so that the person can't reach you. But that's pretty extreme if you ask me.
If you try to ignore a problem that keeps coming up again and again with someone, you are accomplishing nothing. If you ignore it this time, it will come back a little while later. If you ignore it when it comes back, it will still come back a little while later. EVERY TIME YOU IGNORE IT, IT WILL COME BACK. So you should just fucking deal with it and save us all the trouble.
Because you see, every time you refuse to talk about it, you are highlighting the fact that there is a problem, and then refusing to solve it. Do you know what that does to the other person? While you're busy ignoring their attempt to resolve the problem, they get the message that you just don't care about resolving the problem. Then, because everything is no longer sunny and wonderful between the two of you, they are worried that things won't work out and that the two of you won't be friends again. They spend all their time worrying and become distracted from their schoolwork. It becomes so bad that they can't concentrate and can't get any work done. The amount of stress that you have caused them is so bad that they feel like they have aged 10 years overnight and wake up with stress-induced migraines.
So to sum up, it would be a whole lot better for everyone if people would just suck it up and talk about something unpleasant ONE TIME, to just be done with it. You should rip it off quick, like a bandaid. Then it's over and done with and you never have to mention it ever again. JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, OKAY???
If you try to ignore a problem that keeps coming up again and again with someone, you are accomplishing nothing. If you ignore it this time, it will come back a little while later. If you ignore it when it comes back, it will still come back a little while later. EVERY TIME YOU IGNORE IT, IT WILL COME BACK. So you should just fucking deal with it and save us all the trouble.
Because you see, every time you refuse to talk about it, you are highlighting the fact that there is a problem, and then refusing to solve it. Do you know what that does to the other person? While you're busy ignoring their attempt to resolve the problem, they get the message that you just don't care about resolving the problem. Then, because everything is no longer sunny and wonderful between the two of you, they are worried that things won't work out and that the two of you won't be friends again. They spend all their time worrying and become distracted from their schoolwork. It becomes so bad that they can't concentrate and can't get any work done. The amount of stress that you have caused them is so bad that they feel like they have aged 10 years overnight and wake up with stress-induced migraines.
So to sum up, it would be a whole lot better for everyone if people would just suck it up and talk about something unpleasant ONE TIME, to just be done with it. You should rip it off quick, like a bandaid. Then it's over and done with and you never have to mention it ever again. JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, OKAY???
Friday, October 18, 2013
Being Fooled (Again)
Every time I start to gain faith back in people, it always ends up being lost again.
Throughout my life, I've had the same thing happen to me over and over again:
And let me tell you, I am sick and tired of it. Every time it happens, one of two things happen. The first thing that could happen is I tell myself, "That's it. I'm never trusting anyone ever again." The second thing that could happen is I tell myself, "I could decide never to trust anyone ever again, but what good would that do me? That's not healthy."
So I still don't have a solution to deal with something like this.
Number of "best friends" who have done this to me: 15
Number of boyfriends who have done this to me: 3
Number of family members who have done this to me: 1
Number of "best friends" I have had: 21
Number of boyfriends I have had: 6
Number of family members I have: 3
JUST LOOK at that data. After the Ray Thing, I thought it was only boys that I couldn't trust ever again. He had fooled me into thinking he really liked me, but then he actually didn't and I was thrown completely off guard. But now that I have been fooled AGAIN by a "best friend," I have re-examined the data, and I find that I should not trust anyone. Ever. People, in general, just suck. And I suck even more for allowing myself to be fooled by them.
Throughout my life, I've had the same thing happen to me over and over again:
- Become really close with someone (friend, boyfriend, whatever)
- Everything is sunny and wonderful
- Because everything is sunny and wonderful, I believe that the friendship or the relationship is also going sunny and wonderful
- Out of the blue, the other person picks one of the following:
- stops talking to me and shuts me out of his/her life
- brings up old shit that I thought had been resolved already
- treats me like shit
And let me tell you, I am sick and tired of it. Every time it happens, one of two things happen. The first thing that could happen is I tell myself, "That's it. I'm never trusting anyone ever again." The second thing that could happen is I tell myself, "I could decide never to trust anyone ever again, but what good would that do me? That's not healthy."
So I still don't have a solution to deal with something like this.
Number of "best friends" who have done this to me: 15
Number of boyfriends who have done this to me: 3
Number of family members who have done this to me: 1
Number of "best friends" I have had: 21
Number of boyfriends I have had: 6
Number of family members I have: 3
JUST LOOK at that data. After the Ray Thing, I thought it was only boys that I couldn't trust ever again. He had fooled me into thinking he really liked me, but then he actually didn't and I was thrown completely off guard. But now that I have been fooled AGAIN by a "best friend," I have re-examined the data, and I find that I should not trust anyone. Ever. People, in general, just suck. And I suck even more for allowing myself to be fooled by them.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Time Management
I really admire my thesis advisor. He seems to have his time management down pat. First of all, I admire him because he spends an hour and a half every day exercising. He makes time for exercise because he understands that it is so important. Second of all, he is really good about answering emails. I can't tell you how many professors are lousy at returning emails (and how frustrating it is). Third of all, not only is he really smart, but also he is a leading member of the field; he spends a lot of time working on current geothermal projects and getting them to go on-line. Fourth of all, he is able to negotiate free software licenses for teaching. Fifth of all, he makes time to talk to his students, both about school-related things and non-school-related things. Sixth of all, he is able to sort through massive amounts of information (from conferences, etc) to pick out the important things. Seventh of all, he is married with kids.
Now, I don't know if he sacrifices some things. Maybe he doesn't get any sleep (but he doesn't ever seem to be tired), or maybe he doesn't have a social life (I don't know). All I know is, he seems to be master of it all. And I want to learn as much from him as I can, because that's the way I aspire to be.
Right now, I would say that I need to improve my time management. It's not BAD by any means, it could just be better in some ways.
Currently, I tend to get most of the "annoying" tasks out of the way first. While this is good because it reduces the amount of items on my to-do list, it's bad in that it causes me to procrastinate on the really important things-- presentations, papers, etc-- that are down the road.
Then once I work on those important things, I have a lot of trouble focusing. Like right now, I'm supposed to be working on Presentation #3 of the week. But the article is so boring and 38 pages long, and it took 10 pages for them to stop summarizing other people's work and get to the point of their paper (ugh). Therefore I'm writing this post instead.
I've noticed that I either need to take frequent breaks while working on the important stuff, or be talking to my friends online at the same time as I do it. I wish I could focus better on the important tasks and get them done faster.
I also have trouble dealing with errand-like business that pops up every now and then. For instance, I got my new computer almost 2 weeks ago, and I still haven't called the MatLab people and the Adobe people to switch over my key codes for use on my new PC. Like it's annoying and needs to be done, but it's not as important as the "annoying" schoolwork. Therefore it takes me forever to get around to it.
Then there's this whole new world of networking that I'm trying to get used to. My friends and family with more experience in this than me tell me to add people on Linked-In right after I meet them, but I do that and then the majority of them don't add me back. I don't get it! If I'm doing the "right thing," why don't they add me as contacts?
Anyway, I think a lot of my advisor's success comes from the fact that he gets up really early. He must get up at 4:30 every day at least, to start exercising at 5 am. He must get a lot done in the mornings before other people are awake and distract him.
Ok, so far I'm going to try doing the following things:
Now, I don't know if he sacrifices some things. Maybe he doesn't get any sleep (but he doesn't ever seem to be tired), or maybe he doesn't have a social life (I don't know). All I know is, he seems to be master of it all. And I want to learn as much from him as I can, because that's the way I aspire to be.
Right now, I would say that I need to improve my time management. It's not BAD by any means, it could just be better in some ways.
Currently, I tend to get most of the "annoying" tasks out of the way first. While this is good because it reduces the amount of items on my to-do list, it's bad in that it causes me to procrastinate on the really important things-- presentations, papers, etc-- that are down the road.
Then once I work on those important things, I have a lot of trouble focusing. Like right now, I'm supposed to be working on Presentation #3 of the week. But the article is so boring and 38 pages long, and it took 10 pages for them to stop summarizing other people's work and get to the point of their paper (ugh). Therefore I'm writing this post instead.
I've noticed that I either need to take frequent breaks while working on the important stuff, or be talking to my friends online at the same time as I do it. I wish I could focus better on the important tasks and get them done faster.
I also have trouble dealing with errand-like business that pops up every now and then. For instance, I got my new computer almost 2 weeks ago, and I still haven't called the MatLab people and the Adobe people to switch over my key codes for use on my new PC. Like it's annoying and needs to be done, but it's not as important as the "annoying" schoolwork. Therefore it takes me forever to get around to it.
Then there's this whole new world of networking that I'm trying to get used to. My friends and family with more experience in this than me tell me to add people on Linked-In right after I meet them, but I do that and then the majority of them don't add me back. I don't get it! If I'm doing the "right thing," why don't they add me as contacts?
Anyway, I think a lot of my advisor's success comes from the fact that he gets up really early. He must get up at 4:30 every day at least, to start exercising at 5 am. He must get a lot done in the mornings before other people are awake and distract him.
Ok, so far I'm going to try doing the following things:
- Wake up earlier and better. I don't wake up LATE per se, however I have the worst time getting out of bed in the morning. I can't tell you how many times I hit the snooze before actually getting up. Usually once too many, and then I'm late for class :/ But if I made an effort to actually wake up on time first, and then made an effort to wake up earlier in general, that would be useful.
- Schedule time in each day for annoying errands.
- Schedule time in each day for networking stuff.
- Try doing important stuff first, at least getting it started before moving on to the "annoying" stuff.
- Figure out how to focus better when working on important things.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Funny You're The Broken One, But I'm the Only One Who Needed Saving
All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air, said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air, said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer
Round and around and around and around we go
Oohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know
Oohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay
Oohh the reason I hold on
Oohh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving
Oohh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay... Stay...
I want you to stay, oooooooooooh
~Stay, Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko
This song will forever remind me of Ray. It so closely describes how I felt about him.
The reason I held on was because I needed the hole gone. The hole that I had had all my life, that Ray had been the first one to fill. After having someone willing to drop everything to be there for me emotionally, I couldn't just go without that anymore. I had had the hole my whole life, but I hadn't known it. After I lost Ray, there was 1) the realization that the hole had been there the whole time in the first place, and 2) a great sense of loss that changed the hole into a gaping chasm.
I fell in love with Ray because he was the first one to ever fill that hole for me. I fell in love with him because he proved to me that my expectations were not too high, that it is possible for people to do that. I fell in love with him even though he's not the right person for me.
He's the broken one. He's the drug addict, the alcoholic. He's irresponsible with money and inconsiderate of other people's time. Yet I didn't care. He had filled that hole for me, and that was what I had always wanted, but never had, until he came into my life.
I'm still coming to terms with losing Ray. One minute I think I'm doing well, but the next I just feel sad all over again. I don't feel the pain anymore, I just feel sad. I feel sad that I allowed myself to be emotionally abused by my boyfriend. I feel sad that I allowed Ray to waltz into my life and tear it to shreds. I feel sad that after being with him, I no longer trust men anymore and want nothing more to do with them.
It helps that I now have a solid support system. I have 6 wonderful people in my life who are willing to give me emotional support when I need it. Plus, my relationship with my mom is improving a lot. My relationship with myself is better than ever.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay... Stay...
I want you to stay, oooooooooooh
~Stay, Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko
This song will forever remind me of Ray. It so closely describes how I felt about him.
The reason I held on was because I needed the hole gone. The hole that I had had all my life, that Ray had been the first one to fill. After having someone willing to drop everything to be there for me emotionally, I couldn't just go without that anymore. I had had the hole my whole life, but I hadn't known it. After I lost Ray, there was 1) the realization that the hole had been there the whole time in the first place, and 2) a great sense of loss that changed the hole into a gaping chasm.
I fell in love with Ray because he was the first one to ever fill that hole for me. I fell in love with him because he proved to me that my expectations were not too high, that it is possible for people to do that. I fell in love with him even though he's not the right person for me.
He's the broken one. He's the drug addict, the alcoholic. He's irresponsible with money and inconsiderate of other people's time. Yet I didn't care. He had filled that hole for me, and that was what I had always wanted, but never had, until he came into my life.
I'm still coming to terms with losing Ray. One minute I think I'm doing well, but the next I just feel sad all over again. I don't feel the pain anymore, I just feel sad. I feel sad that I allowed myself to be emotionally abused by my boyfriend. I feel sad that I allowed Ray to waltz into my life and tear it to shreds. I feel sad that after being with him, I no longer trust men anymore and want nothing more to do with them.
It helps that I now have a solid support system. I have 6 wonderful people in my life who are willing to give me emotional support when I need it. Plus, my relationship with my mom is improving a lot. My relationship with myself is better than ever.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Message to Mr. Perfect
"I'm sorry Mr. Perfect. But if you're waiting for me, it's gonna be a hell of a long wait. See, I've had it with men like you. I think it's terrific that you have a great job, and you're sensitive to the needs of others, and you jog three times a week to keep the belly at bay. But the second some silicone-breasted, butt-kissing airhead climber half your age comes along, you can't keep your pants zipped. Well fuck you! That's right, Mr. Middle Aged, Think-You're-a-Big-Shot, phony asshole, you ain't getting ANY from me."
~Lydia, How To Deal
I was looking for a clip of this quote on Youtube, but the only thing I could find was the full movie. Anyway, it doesn't matter. She is spot on. And she articulates exactly how I feel about men right now.
And now, it's my turn.
I'm sorry Mr. Perfect. But if you're waiting for me, it's gonna be a hell of a long wait. See, I've had it with men like you. I think it's terrific that you have an interesting life, that you are a generous friend, that you make your own decisions, and that you make me feel loved and safe. But the second it comes time to commit, you freak out and treat me like crap. Well fuck you! You have ruined my faith in men. I can no longer trust anything they do or say, let alone the emotions I see them have. Because like you, they will contradict themselves, lie, and prevent me from understanding the truth about how they feel about me. That's right, Mr. Immature, Inconsiderate, Think-You're-Invincible, promise-breaking, lying, phony asshole, you ain't getting ANY from me.
~Lydia, How To Deal
I was looking for a clip of this quote on Youtube, but the only thing I could find was the full movie. Anyway, it doesn't matter. She is spot on. And she articulates exactly how I feel about men right now.
And now, it's my turn.
I'm sorry Mr. Perfect. But if you're waiting for me, it's gonna be a hell of a long wait. See, I've had it with men like you. I think it's terrific that you have an interesting life, that you are a generous friend, that you make your own decisions, and that you make me feel loved and safe. But the second it comes time to commit, you freak out and treat me like crap. Well fuck you! You have ruined my faith in men. I can no longer trust anything they do or say, let alone the emotions I see them have. Because like you, they will contradict themselves, lie, and prevent me from understanding the truth about how they feel about me. That's right, Mr. Immature, Inconsiderate, Think-You're-Invincible, promise-breaking, lying, phony asshole, you ain't getting ANY from me.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Inspiration
Ever since going to the geothermal conference a few weeks ago, I have been overcome with a desire to "lean in" to my industry and help solve the problems it currently faces. I got an idea for my Master's thesis from the conference, and I have been excited ever since to get started on it. I've been working on an application for a software mentorship program; the company's new software models seem like they are perfect for the work I will be doing.
It's not likely that I'll get the mentorship, because they only give it to 10 people. However, I definitely have a good shot at it! I have a contact within the company who encouraged me to apply, so hopefully she can pull some strings for me. Also, because their software is perfect for my work, that makes my chances even higher. Fingers crossed.
With all this excitement about my thesis project, and with all my hard work for my classes, I barely have time to think about boys. And even if I did have time, I don't want to. I already got asked out on a date, which I ended up cancelling because he seemed really clingy. Another guy seems interested but hasn't asked me out yet, but I'm not really interested in him either. What I am interested in is my career. My resume looks awesome! And my mentorship proposal is also really awesome! I'm really proud of all the work I have done and I'm looking forward to doing even more work. Because this is the work that matters. My career matters. And I want to do the best I can to improve my industry.
It's not likely that I'll get the mentorship, because they only give it to 10 people. However, I definitely have a good shot at it! I have a contact within the company who encouraged me to apply, so hopefully she can pull some strings for me. Also, because their software is perfect for my work, that makes my chances even higher. Fingers crossed.
With all this excitement about my thesis project, and with all my hard work for my classes, I barely have time to think about boys. And even if I did have time, I don't want to. I already got asked out on a date, which I ended up cancelling because he seemed really clingy. Another guy seems interested but hasn't asked me out yet, but I'm not really interested in him either. What I am interested in is my career. My resume looks awesome! And my mentorship proposal is also really awesome! I'm really proud of all the work I have done and I'm looking forward to doing even more work. Because this is the work that matters. My career matters. And I want to do the best I can to improve my industry.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Opposites Attract
Something that I've been thinking about lately is about how opposite behaviors attract. Or maybe it's not that they attract, but that it's hard to come to a decision on which behavior it actually is.
For instance, after the conference that I just went to, I added a whole bunch of people I had just met to my Linked-In profile. And by people I just met, I mean famous, high-profile, leading industry members. Let me start off by saying that I'm pretty new to this whole networking thing. In fact, I'm so inexperienced that I had to contact my ex-boyfriend and ask him for networking advice (he owns his own startup company). So I was only acting here out of the advice from a few people I had asked.
What happened was this: my profile got lots of views, but only a few people actually added me back. This got me thinking-- were my actions stupid, or ballsy? On the one hand, maybe it was stupid. I had only met them one time, I'm just starting out in my career, and I haven't worked with any of them yet. Why should I be requesting them as business contacts? On the other hand, maybe it was ballsy. Maybe other people are too afraid to add them on Linked-In after only meeting them once. Maybe they liked that I was confident enough to try it. Since I don't know why the people didn't add me back, there's no way for me to tell. Stupid? Or ballsy. Stupid? Or ballsy.
This got me thinking about something my mom had asked me about many years ago:
Mom: Veronica, is it better to be brilliant? Or ridiculous. In my opinion it's much better to be ridiculous.
Brilliant? Or ridiculous. Isn't it both, though? Aren't the most brilliant ideas the ones that are also ridiculous?
For instance, this brings to mind a time when I was a freshman in college. I had quartet rehearsal, but there were no open rooms in the music building in which we could practice. How did the quartet leader solve this problem? He had us rehearse in the building's elevator. An idea so ridiculous that it was brilliant. And so brilliant that it was ridiculous.
Who knows. Maybe this is another thing where the one you pick has to do with your perspective. What do you all think?
For instance, after the conference that I just went to, I added a whole bunch of people I had just met to my Linked-In profile. And by people I just met, I mean famous, high-profile, leading industry members. Let me start off by saying that I'm pretty new to this whole networking thing. In fact, I'm so inexperienced that I had to contact my ex-boyfriend and ask him for networking advice (he owns his own startup company). So I was only acting here out of the advice from a few people I had asked.
What happened was this: my profile got lots of views, but only a few people actually added me back. This got me thinking-- were my actions stupid, or ballsy? On the one hand, maybe it was stupid. I had only met them one time, I'm just starting out in my career, and I haven't worked with any of them yet. Why should I be requesting them as business contacts? On the other hand, maybe it was ballsy. Maybe other people are too afraid to add them on Linked-In after only meeting them once. Maybe they liked that I was confident enough to try it. Since I don't know why the people didn't add me back, there's no way for me to tell. Stupid? Or ballsy. Stupid? Or ballsy.
This got me thinking about something my mom had asked me about many years ago:
Mom: Veronica, is it better to be brilliant? Or ridiculous. In my opinion it's much better to be ridiculous.
Brilliant? Or ridiculous. Isn't it both, though? Aren't the most brilliant ideas the ones that are also ridiculous?
For instance, this brings to mind a time when I was a freshman in college. I had quartet rehearsal, but there were no open rooms in the music building in which we could practice. How did the quartet leader solve this problem? He had us rehearse in the building's elevator. An idea so ridiculous that it was brilliant. And so brilliant that it was ridiculous.
Who knows. Maybe this is another thing where the one you pick has to do with your perspective. What do you all think?
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Make Time For Yourself
Another thing I've come to realize is that it is really important to make time for yourself. I had always been the type of person who would make time for others when they needed me, but I wouldn't make time for myself. What I've learned is, while it's important to be there for other people, it's more important to be there for yourself.
Being there for yourself involves allowing yourself time to do things that are important to you that you enjoy. For me, those things are going to the gym, playing viola, and writing.
Yes, that's right-- I actually like going to the gym. It makes me feel strong. And then I actually BECOME strong and more fit from going. While this is a good enough reason in itself to make time to go, I also go because I made a promise to myself last Spring. I thought about all the injuries I had had over the past year and a half-- a sprained hip adductor, a sprained wrist, and tendonitis in both knees-- and I made a decision. I told myself that I would recover from all these injuries, and then continue going to the gym, continuing being strong, so that I wouldn't become injured ever again as a result of not staying in good condition. Because that's really what it comes down to. Those injuries happened because I was overtraining after a period of not going to the gym. Ditto for playing the viola. My wrist was sprained because I was overtraining after a period of not practicing all that much. Therefore, I made the decision to stay in good condition for the gym and for the viola to avoid injury.
So far, it's working well. Since I've joined the symphony here, I've been doing a lot more playing than I had been. It seems to be going alright though, I just need to get back in the swing of things.
Then there's the writing. I'd always enjoyed writing, and I used to be really into creative writing growing up. I wrote countless poems and short stories, in addition to some attempts at novels (NaNoWriMo, anyone?). After I became more interested in science, it became harder and harder for me to write fiction. Probably it also has to do with my newfound obsession with the truth. No ending I can write can satisfy that urge to understand the truth of what actually happened. As a result of this, I didn't write for some time. Last year I began my first blog, "An Enlightening and Absurd Account of What NOT to Do to Your Girlfriend/Lover" (http://vshipley.blogspot.com/), and it was a hit. Not only that, but it really helped me get over a lot of those horrible guy situations I had encountered. Thus, I started blogging again in the hope that it would be just as therapeutic in my breakup with Ray. It definitely has been. Also, writing helps me to organize my thoughts, which is an additional plus.
However, making time for yourself isn't just about hobbies. It's also about making time to unwind throughout the day so that you don't get overworked or overstressed. Some things I do for this are to go online and check my emails, Facebook, etc. Connecting with people is always great. Reading a book for fun and watching a show every now and then is also great. Also, the occasional bubble bath or foot spa does wonders.
I've found that by doing all this, I'm a much happier person. Hopefully you can make yourself happier, too.
Being there for yourself involves allowing yourself time to do things that are important to you that you enjoy. For me, those things are going to the gym, playing viola, and writing.
Yes, that's right-- I actually like going to the gym. It makes me feel strong. And then I actually BECOME strong and more fit from going. While this is a good enough reason in itself to make time to go, I also go because I made a promise to myself last Spring. I thought about all the injuries I had had over the past year and a half-- a sprained hip adductor, a sprained wrist, and tendonitis in both knees-- and I made a decision. I told myself that I would recover from all these injuries, and then continue going to the gym, continuing being strong, so that I wouldn't become injured ever again as a result of not staying in good condition. Because that's really what it comes down to. Those injuries happened because I was overtraining after a period of not going to the gym. Ditto for playing the viola. My wrist was sprained because I was overtraining after a period of not practicing all that much. Therefore, I made the decision to stay in good condition for the gym and for the viola to avoid injury.
So far, it's working well. Since I've joined the symphony here, I've been doing a lot more playing than I had been. It seems to be going alright though, I just need to get back in the swing of things.
Then there's the writing. I'd always enjoyed writing, and I used to be really into creative writing growing up. I wrote countless poems and short stories, in addition to some attempts at novels (NaNoWriMo, anyone?). After I became more interested in science, it became harder and harder for me to write fiction. Probably it also has to do with my newfound obsession with the truth. No ending I can write can satisfy that urge to understand the truth of what actually happened. As a result of this, I didn't write for some time. Last year I began my first blog, "An Enlightening and Absurd Account of What NOT to Do to Your Girlfriend/Lover" (http://vshipley.blogspot.com/), and it was a hit. Not only that, but it really helped me get over a lot of those horrible guy situations I had encountered. Thus, I started blogging again in the hope that it would be just as therapeutic in my breakup with Ray. It definitely has been. Also, writing helps me to organize my thoughts, which is an additional plus.
However, making time for yourself isn't just about hobbies. It's also about making time to unwind throughout the day so that you don't get overworked or overstressed. Some things I do for this are to go online and check my emails, Facebook, etc. Connecting with people is always great. Reading a book for fun and watching a show every now and then is also great. Also, the occasional bubble bath or foot spa does wonders.
I've found that by doing all this, I'm a much happier person. Hopefully you can make yourself happier, too.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Embracing Your Flaws
One of the things I've learned is that it's best to embrace your flaws. Don't misunderstand-- it's never good to dwell on your flaws. However, it is always good to try to understand them so that you can improve yourself (and know yourself better).
Even high-profile businesspeople agree. At the conference I just attended, I had a conversation with some of the industry leaders about how it's best to own up to your mistakes and take the appropriate action to correct them. Not only is this method sensible, but it's also highly respectable.
That being said, not many people realize that it's better to do this than to try to hide the mistakes, blame someone else for them, or avoid dealing with them altogether. Ray, for instance, refused to discuss my mistakes with me, because he wanted to avoid it altogether and not get into it. I had to work really hard to get John to tell me why he agreed with Ray that I was immature.
I guess people think that when you tell someone that they suck, they will get defensive and angry. Shooting the messenger, so to speak. So they avoid doing it.
I admit that I did get a little defensive when John was talking to me. Mostly, though, I was upset because he had misunderstood and/or assumed a lot of things in making his judgments of me, and I didn't think that that was fair, because he didn't completely understand those things before jumping to conclusions. Also, most of what he said didn't have anything to do with immaturity at all, and I had only asked him to tell me about how I was immature. It seemed like he wasn't JUST telling me about why I was immature, but rather was telling me about how much I suck in general and am a completely horrible person. Not a great feeling.
Anyway, I'm glad that I learned about my flaws as other people see them. Yes, I tend to be overly emotional. Yes, I get upset easily when things go wrong. Yes, I am opinionated. Yes, I am obsessive about understanding the truth. But do these things make me a bad person? No. Not at all. These are my flaws, and that is fine. I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be myself.
Even high-profile businesspeople agree. At the conference I just attended, I had a conversation with some of the industry leaders about how it's best to own up to your mistakes and take the appropriate action to correct them. Not only is this method sensible, but it's also highly respectable.
That being said, not many people realize that it's better to do this than to try to hide the mistakes, blame someone else for them, or avoid dealing with them altogether. Ray, for instance, refused to discuss my mistakes with me, because he wanted to avoid it altogether and not get into it. I had to work really hard to get John to tell me why he agreed with Ray that I was immature.
I guess people think that when you tell someone that they suck, they will get defensive and angry. Shooting the messenger, so to speak. So they avoid doing it.
I admit that I did get a little defensive when John was talking to me. Mostly, though, I was upset because he had misunderstood and/or assumed a lot of things in making his judgments of me, and I didn't think that that was fair, because he didn't completely understand those things before jumping to conclusions. Also, most of what he said didn't have anything to do with immaturity at all, and I had only asked him to tell me about how I was immature. It seemed like he wasn't JUST telling me about why I was immature, but rather was telling me about how much I suck in general and am a completely horrible person. Not a great feeling.
Anyway, I'm glad that I learned about my flaws as other people see them. Yes, I tend to be overly emotional. Yes, I get upset easily when things go wrong. Yes, I am opinionated. Yes, I am obsessive about understanding the truth. But do these things make me a bad person? No. Not at all. These are my flaws, and that is fine. I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be myself.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Forgiveness
Although this Ray business has caused me ample confusion, pain, and sadness, there was one good thing that came out of it: I have learned how to forgive.
I learned this after a series of conversations and realizations:
First, John and I had had a debate about whether people think that they are evil. As I've said before, I firmly believe that people are not evil, and that they do not think that they are evil when they commit evil acts.
Meanwhile, Lawrence was telling me about his philosophy with people. He has this philosophy where he doesn't get mad at people, and he gives people as many chances as they need. When he first told me this, the thought that ran through my mind was, "He's letting people get away with treating him badly."
A few days after I had had these conversations, I was thinking about how miserable I was that I had cut Ray from my life. All I wanted to do was tell him about my day, because he always seemed to actually be interested in hearing about it. I would see or hear something funny that I would want to tell him about because it would make him laugh. I kept reminiscing about the good times that we had had together. I kept thinking about how funny it was that he was so ticklish that I could tickle him without trying. Even his wrists were ticklish. Also, I was thinking about the way that we would be holding hands and then have to walk single file, and he would put his hands on my shoulders until we could walk side-by-side again and hold hands again. I was thinking about how he would kiss me and get my sparkly lip gloss on his lips, and then ask me if he was beautiful now with his sparkly lips. I would think about his manly patch of chest hair that I hated at first and then ended up thinking was really, really sexy. I would think about that cute little gap between his two front teeth. I would think about how he would tell me he thought I smelled amazing after I was sweaty from cleaning my apartment for 6 hours, and how my natural scent was "intoxicating."
I realized that even though three weeks had passed since I had cut him out of my life, I didn't feel better at all. I felt exactly the same as I did after the initial anger had worn off.
That was the moment I realized I was in love with Ray. I truly, deeply loved him, and I had never felt so strongly about anybody ever before. The reason for this was that he had given me what I had always wanted and never had, when he was That Person for me.
Then all the pieces came together. I realized that even though Ray was cruel to me, from his point of view he wasn't intending to treat me that way. Something else must have been going through his mind at that time. People are complex like that. Then, I thought, "Why should I be cutting someone out of my life who I love? I'm only hurting myself."
And it's true. When you are angry with someone, and hold on to that anger, you're only hurting yourself. I was responsible for causing myself three weeks of pain. When I realized this, I was able to forgive Ray for treating me cruelly. Afterward, I felt so much better. I realized that it's not about letting the other person "get away with it;" it's about yourself. It's about trying to be happy yourself. Even though Ray doesn't care about me anymore and doesn't want me in his life, I made things better for myself in forgiving him. I do not regret it at all. I may not have gotten the happy ending I had wanted, but at least I was no longer responsible for causing myself pain.
After I forgave Ray, I was also able to forgive Mara for reneging. She had really hurt me, because one minute she had told me she needed me in her life, and then she changed her mind and said that she couldn't be my friend anymore. I was upset that she had given me hope that we could be friends and that things would return to normal again one day, and then gone back on that. As a result of this I told her never to contact me again. However, when I forgave her, I told her that I took back what I said, and would be willing to try being friends again if she ever changed her mind. Luckily, she had also changed her mind and wanted to be friends again. I'm hoping things work out this time, because she really means a lot to me and I really missed her when we weren't friends.
I learned this after a series of conversations and realizations:
First, John and I had had a debate about whether people think that they are evil. As I've said before, I firmly believe that people are not evil, and that they do not think that they are evil when they commit evil acts.
Meanwhile, Lawrence was telling me about his philosophy with people. He has this philosophy where he doesn't get mad at people, and he gives people as many chances as they need. When he first told me this, the thought that ran through my mind was, "He's letting people get away with treating him badly."
A few days after I had had these conversations, I was thinking about how miserable I was that I had cut Ray from my life. All I wanted to do was tell him about my day, because he always seemed to actually be interested in hearing about it. I would see or hear something funny that I would want to tell him about because it would make him laugh. I kept reminiscing about the good times that we had had together. I kept thinking about how funny it was that he was so ticklish that I could tickle him without trying. Even his wrists were ticklish. Also, I was thinking about the way that we would be holding hands and then have to walk single file, and he would put his hands on my shoulders until we could walk side-by-side again and hold hands again. I was thinking about how he would kiss me and get my sparkly lip gloss on his lips, and then ask me if he was beautiful now with his sparkly lips. I would think about his manly patch of chest hair that I hated at first and then ended up thinking was really, really sexy. I would think about that cute little gap between his two front teeth. I would think about how he would tell me he thought I smelled amazing after I was sweaty from cleaning my apartment for 6 hours, and how my natural scent was "intoxicating."
I realized that even though three weeks had passed since I had cut him out of my life, I didn't feel better at all. I felt exactly the same as I did after the initial anger had worn off.
That was the moment I realized I was in love with Ray. I truly, deeply loved him, and I had never felt so strongly about anybody ever before. The reason for this was that he had given me what I had always wanted and never had, when he was That Person for me.
Then all the pieces came together. I realized that even though Ray was cruel to me, from his point of view he wasn't intending to treat me that way. Something else must have been going through his mind at that time. People are complex like that. Then, I thought, "Why should I be cutting someone out of my life who I love? I'm only hurting myself."
And it's true. When you are angry with someone, and hold on to that anger, you're only hurting yourself. I was responsible for causing myself three weeks of pain. When I realized this, I was able to forgive Ray for treating me cruelly. Afterward, I felt so much better. I realized that it's not about letting the other person "get away with it;" it's about yourself. It's about trying to be happy yourself. Even though Ray doesn't care about me anymore and doesn't want me in his life, I made things better for myself in forgiving him. I do not regret it at all. I may not have gotten the happy ending I had wanted, but at least I was no longer responsible for causing myself pain.
After I forgave Ray, I was also able to forgive Mara for reneging. She had really hurt me, because one minute she had told me she needed me in her life, and then she changed her mind and said that she couldn't be my friend anymore. I was upset that she had given me hope that we could be friends and that things would return to normal again one day, and then gone back on that. As a result of this I told her never to contact me again. However, when I forgave her, I told her that I took back what I said, and would be willing to try being friends again if she ever changed her mind. Luckily, she had also changed her mind and wanted to be friends again. I'm hoping things work out this time, because she really means a lot to me and I really missed her when we weren't friends.
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