Forgiveness

Although this Ray business has caused me ample confusion, pain, and sadness, there was one good thing that came out of it: I have learned how to forgive.

I learned this after a series of conversations and realizations:

First, John and I had had a debate about whether people think that they are evil. As I've said before, I firmly believe that people are not evil, and that they do not think that they are evil when they commit evil acts.

Meanwhile, Lawrence was telling me about his philosophy with people. He has this philosophy where he doesn't get mad at people, and he gives people as many chances as they need. When he first told me this, the thought that ran through my mind was, "He's letting people get away with treating him badly."

A few days after I had had these conversations, I was thinking about how miserable I was that I had cut Ray from my life. All I wanted to do was tell him about my day, because he always seemed to actually be interested in hearing about it. I would see or hear something funny that I would want to tell him about because it would make him laugh. I kept reminiscing about the good times that we had had together. I kept thinking about how funny it was that he was so ticklish that I could tickle him without trying. Even his wrists were ticklish. Also, I was thinking about the way that we would be holding hands and then have to walk single file, and he would put his hands on my shoulders until we could walk side-by-side again and hold hands again. I was thinking about how he would kiss me and get my sparkly lip gloss on his lips, and then ask me if he was beautiful now with his sparkly lips. I would think about his manly patch of chest hair that I hated at first and then ended up thinking was really, really sexy. I would think about that cute little gap between his two front teeth. I would think about how he would tell me he thought I smelled amazing after I was sweaty from cleaning my apartment for 6 hours, and how my natural scent was "intoxicating."

I realized that even though three weeks had passed since I had cut him out of my life, I didn't feel better at all. I felt exactly the same as I did after the initial anger had worn off.

That was the moment I realized I was in love with Ray. I truly, deeply loved him, and I had never felt so strongly about anybody ever before. The reason for this was that he had given me what I had always wanted and never had, when he was That Person for me.

Then all the pieces came together. I realized that even though Ray was cruel to me, from his point of view he wasn't intending to treat me that way. Something else must have been going through his mind at that time. People are complex like that. Then, I thought, "Why should I be cutting someone out of my life who I love? I'm only hurting myself."

And it's true. When you are angry with someone, and hold on to that anger, you're only hurting yourself. I was responsible for causing myself three weeks of pain. When I realized this, I was able to forgive Ray for treating me cruelly. Afterward, I felt so much better. I realized that it's not about letting the other person "get away with it;" it's about yourself. It's about trying to be happy yourself. Even though Ray doesn't care about me anymore and doesn't want me in his life, I made things better for myself in forgiving him. I do not regret it at all. I may not have gotten the happy ending I had wanted, but at least I was no longer responsible for causing myself pain.

After I forgave Ray, I was also able to forgive Mara for reneging. She had really hurt me, because one minute she had told me she needed me in her life, and then she changed her mind and said that she couldn't be my friend anymore. I was upset that she had given me hope that we could be friends and that things would return to normal again one day, and then gone back on that. As a result of this I told her never to contact me again. However, when I forgave her, I told her that I took back what I said, and would be willing to try being friends again if she ever changed her mind. Luckily, she had also changed her mind and wanted to be friends again. I'm hoping things work out this time, because she really means a lot to me and I really missed her when we weren't friends.