Funny You're The Broken One, But I'm the Only One Who Needed Saving

All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air, said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer

Round and around and around and around we go
Oohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

 

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay

 

Oohh the reason I hold on
Oohh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay... Stay...
I want you to stay, oooooooooooh

~Stay, Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko


This song will forever remind me of Ray. It so closely describes how I felt about him.

The reason I held on was because I needed the hole gone. The hole that I had had all my life, that Ray had been the first one to fill. After having someone willing to drop everything to be there for me emotionally, I couldn't just go without that anymore. I had had the hole my whole life, but I hadn't known it. After I lost Ray, there was 1) the realization that the hole had been there the whole time in the first place, and 2) a great sense of loss that changed the hole into a gaping chasm.

I fell in love with Ray because he was the first one to ever fill that hole for me. I fell in love with him because he proved to me that my expectations were not too high, that it is possible for people to do that. I fell in love with him even though he's not the right person for me.

He's the broken one. He's the drug addict, the alcoholic. He's irresponsible with money and inconsiderate of other people's time. Yet I didn't care. He had filled that hole for me, and that was what I had always wanted, but never had, until he came into my life.

I'm still coming to terms with losing Ray. One minute I think I'm doing well, but the next I just feel sad all over again. I don't feel the pain anymore, I just feel sad. I feel sad that I allowed myself to be emotionally abused by my boyfriend. I feel sad that I allowed Ray to waltz into my life and tear it to shreds. I feel sad that after being with him, I no longer trust men anymore and want nothing more to do with them.

It helps that I now have a solid support system. I have 6 wonderful people in my life who are willing to give me emotional support when I need it. Plus, my relationship with my mom is improving a lot. My relationship with myself is better than ever.