Bitch, Please

This situation has become drastic. Yesterday, I did the following in an effort to make the anger and anxiety go away:

• Smoked a cigarette. Fred even gave me the rest of his pack in case I had any more emergencies.
• Drank wine and read Cosmo
• Talked to Laura on the phone for an hour
• Ate pasta with alfredo sauce
• Drank wine and took a bubble bath
• Read one of my favorite books

Those are the things I do when I'm trying to cheer myself up. I couldn't go to the gym because I was feeling sick (probably another side effect of the anxiety). I could have also practiced viola, but it got to be too late for me to do that. But even after doing all the things I do to make myself better, I still didn't really feel better. I still don't.

Therefore, I've made a decision. If Mara is currently ignoring me and ignoring our problems, then that's her problem to deal with. I'm all for resolving the problem, but there's nothing I can do if she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. Therefore I'm going to assume that she and I are not going to be friends. She's doing what she has to do to feel better by ignoring me, and I'm doing what I have to do to feel better-- writing and ranting.

So Mara thinks that because I made a mistake, that gives her the right to hold that over me for the rest of my life. Well newsflash: stop being a petty bitch. When I contacted her a month ago, all I told her was that I forgave her for reneging and that if she ever wanted to try being friends again, then I would be for it. She was the one to send me the Facebook friend request. She was the one making me believe that she was ready this time to try it.

Well, she fooled me. She obviously hasn't forgiven me for dating Ray. She told me that she knew that he and I had slept together and that she was ok with that. Then, during our argument the other day, she said that I was "trying to make her feel bad for the fact that I fucked the first boy ever to date her." Does that sound like somebody who is "ok with that" to you??? Does it? No. The bitch was harboring resentment toward me the whole time she was pretending to be my friend again. Probably she wanted me to suffer more for fucking her first boyfriend. And if that was her goal, then she succeeded. Because fooling me was the worst thing she ever could have done to me. Not only did I constantly describe to her how hurt I was that Ray had fooled me, but I also talked about how that had caused me not to trust men anymore. I couldn't trust anything they said or did because one minute everything was fine and the next minute everything wasn't.

Then the bitch thought that that was a great thing to do to me. "Oh, I'll just pretend to be Veronica's friend again," she told herself. "I'll fool her into thinking that everything is alright with us and back to normal, but then just when she has a sense of security, I'll drop the bomb that I haven't forgiven her after all and that she is in fact indebted to me for making a mistake. Then I'll never let her forget about it."

Great job Mara, well done. You have fooled me. Congratulations. I hope you are pleased with what you have done. Now, not only can I not trust men, but I can't trust ANYONE. If you were trying to get back at me, then you succeeded. Even though you never had any right to be holding my mistake over me before, you sure as hell have absolutely no reason to do so ever again.

Then, she had to go and rub it in that other people are allowed to stay with her in her apartment, but I'm not. She had told me that when I come to visit in January, I'm not allowed to stay with her because it would freak out her quiet roommate. I thought this was kind of low, considering she was one of three people I was making the effort to come visit. But then she made it clear that she had just been lying to me (what else is new). Apparently, her roommate won't be freaked out by "her Danielles" visiting her. Her sister and her friend are allowed to stay in Mara's apartment AT THE SAME TIME. I mean, it's one thing if it's just her sister. Family is different. But her sister AND her friend AT THE SAME TIME?? Hopefully they won't be too rowdy, wouldn't want the quiet roommate to freak out.

She should have just been honest with me that it was too soon for me to visit her. But no, instead she had to lie to me about it and then slap me in the face with the truth.

Whatever. If she doesn't want to be my friend, then fine. I don't want or need petty bitches in my life.