Gone

Well, that was short lived. I was making progress in trying to trust people again, and then this happened. My faith is now gone. Probably one of my shittiest nights of all time.

Last night, my department went out for sushi dinner. I had asked Tina the day before if she had wanted to grab a drink, but she hadn't been feeling well and said maybe we could go the next day. I asked her if she still wanted to get a drink after sushi, and she said she did. She extended the invitation to the rest of the people at dinner. So Tina, Andrea, Jerry, Adam, and I went to the bar for drinks.

Kevin had missed sushi, but was texting Andrea and Tina about getting drinks. He was not texting me about drinks. By the way, I text Kevin every time I'm out for a drink to see if he wants to join me, but he always says no. I thought maybe he didn't go out anymore, but apparently he just doesn't like me enough to want to get drinks with me. Once Kevin joined us, around 9 pm, he was giving Tina shit about being sick and not wanting drinks last night. So in fact he does go out drinking, but he just doesn't invite me.

Thanks Kevin. Thanks a lot. I thought we were pretty good friends and all, but apparently not.

Anyway, we decided to stay at the same bar after Kevin joined us. Come 10 pm, we were sitting on the comfy couches by the window that have the huge Jenga blocks near them on the table. I was sitting facing the window and Tina was facing the bar. Then she says, really obviously, "Veronica! *points* look behind you. Turn around."

Oh god. I knew what she was up to. But I wasn't about to look.
Me: *smile and nod*
Tina: You should go order something!
Me: No.
Adam: Wait, what's going on?
Me: Nothing.
Tina: Turn around and look!
Me: I'm trying to not look!
Adam: Wait a second... do you... have the hots for the bartender??
Me: No!
Adam: It's the guy in the glasses, isn't it. She likes the guy in the glasses doesn't she.
Me: I do not!
Andrea: His name is Tim.
Adam: Oh. And did he get an A?
Me: What are you talking about..
Adam: He was your student right?
Me: No! Can we change the subject??
Kevin: He totally was your student.
Me: So how about them Jenga blocks..
Adam: You should make a move!

And they just kept going and going.... being really loud and really obvious. Finally I was like, fine, I'll get a drink. I went over there and Tim saw me right away. He wasn't even all that happy to see me. Not really at all. He barely talked to me, and it's not like he was swarmed with customers.

When I went back to the group, they were all, "We just watched that whole thing" blah blah blah. Then Kevin asked me if Tim had been the one to give me an urn. This made me realize:

1. I had never told Kevin that story about the urn.
2. I had never told Kevin that I had liked Tim.
3. I had never told Adam that I had liked Tim, and I had certainly never told him that he was my student.

The only person I had told all those things to was Tina. Andrea knew some of it but not a lot. They must be telling everyone my secrets.

Even if they weren't, Tina at least knew enough information to know that Tim is not interested in me, but that I really liked him and was upset about that. I'm usually happy to talk about my love life and my sex life, but they should have realized that I did not want to talk about Tim. I mean, I said so many times. And yet, Tina just let everyone keep talking about it.


I literally could not believe it. I felt so humiliated. I finally was happy here, and I thought I was making friends and getting closer to people here. I really only felt comfortable enough to confide my secrets in three people: Tina, Fred, and Becky. So what, I'm not supposed to confide in anyone, because they'll just tell everyone else?

Now, all I can think about is how Kevin doesn't even like me all that much, and how he probably gets together with Tina and Andrea without me. They probably discuss my ridiculously horrible, dramatic life, and laugh at me and the fact that I had a stupid crush on my student who didn't even like me back. I don't think I have ever felt more pathetic.

Healing

Finally, I've made good progress healing. I am armed with knowledge and fully prepared to do everything in my power to avoid and extract myself from emotionally abusive relationships.

I fully recommend that all girls read "He's Just Not That Into You." Never before have I understood men more clearly.

What I didn't understand (and what I'm pretty sure very few women understand) is that guys would rather be run over by a bus than admit to a girl that they are just not that into them. Hence all the mixed signals, murkiness, and offending behavior-- which are completely confusing and infuriating to all women-- really just mean that the guy is just not that into you. He may be somewhat into you, but he's just not THAT into you.

That's it. Guys really aren't lying when they say that they are simple creatures.

Problem #1: What do you do, then, when you're in a relationship and something happens to make you unhappy? Do you just break up with the guy on the spot, or do you shrug it off as a one-time mistake?

Answer: It depends on what he did. Fred helped me out with this one. He said there's the one-time deal-breaker vs. the three-time deal-breaker.

A one-time deal-breaker is when the guy does something to make you feel bad about yourself or feel like the guy is just not that into you. Example: My first ever argument with Ray. Ray had double-booked the evening with me and his friend, and then picked his friend over me. He had wanted me to reschedule with him for later in the evening, when we were supposed to hang out that afternoon. I was upset because Ray had made me feel like I wasn't important and that my time was expendable.

A three-time deal-breaker is something that the guy does that you don't like or that rubs you the wrong way. Examples: Collin's inflated ego and Dom's tendency to not tip. Neither of those things made me feel bad about myself or made me feel like the guy was just not that into me. But they rubbed me the wrong way that after a few times of seeing them in action, I was irritated enough that I didn't want to continue seeing the guy. As Fred pointed out, if something about the guy bothers you after a few times, it's going to keep bothering you. If it bothers you once, but you end up deciding it's not that big of a deal, then it's no longer a problem.

Problem #2: Well that's all well and good, but you can't just turn off your feelings.
Correct. This system is designed more so that you can avoid problems with guys altogether by figuring out that they are just not that into you, before you fall for them. It's harder to extract yourself from a situation when you have already fallen for the guy. Example: Fucking Tim. I know that he is just not that into me because he has not asked me out on a date. Plus, I've asked him to hang out with me twice now and he didn't come either time. Yet because I've fallen for him, I can't just shut off my feelings. It will take some time for them to go away, but that doesn't stop me from wishing that there were some sort of magic solution.

Also, I have made myself a promise (which Aaliya gave me her verbal co-signature over the phone). If any guy treats me as badly as Ray did, I will break up with him on the spot. If I have trouble extracting myself from the relationship, Aaliya has promised to instruct me to break up with him.

Problem #3: I don't know about you, but I don't have all that many suitors. It's lonely.
Yes, it is lonely. I currently have no suitors. Last month I had 5. They're all gone now. The last time I had suitors was right before I left State College, when I had 8 all at the same time. When it rains, it pours I guess. But in between, the soil is so parched that it's dead.

The point is, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you like shit. Or to be with someone who treats you alright, but not as well as you'd like to be treated. Life is to short to be put down by your significant other, and to deal with all the stress that comes with it.

Problem #4: What are you supposed to tell the guy when you break it off?
I wish the book had discussed this a little bit better. The author describes the book as the woman's secret or subtle advice. You can't just accuse the guy of not being into you.

In fact, you can't confront the guy with anything it seems. Example: I confronted Ray about our first fight, and all he did was deny it. What I should have done was break up with him on the spot. I allowed him to assuage me, and to manipulate me into thinking that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was the one being ridiculous.

I'll extend this one to people in general. It's so frustrating! People just go around denying everything. Nobody wants to admit that they made a mistake, that they hurt someone, or that they don't like someone. When confronted, it's just denied.

Then, sometimes they don't even understand that they made a mistake. In their eyes, everything is all peaches and sunshine, and they never did anything wrong at all.

Given these facts, it might just be better to not tell them anything at all. I'm still not sure how to handle this one though. As someone on the receiving end of many friend breakups, it sucked when the person just stopped talking to me with no explanation. Because in my mind, I hadn't done anything wrong. I didn't know of anything that I had done wrong, so it hurt because I didn't know what I had done to warrant the end of a friendship. It would cause me to spend many hours trying to understand, trying to think of some sort of solution so that I could get some closure on the situation.

So I don't know.

Cracking the Solution

Ok, I think I figured out what happened with Tim and me. Aaliyah helped me figure it out.

What had bothered me was that he went way out of his way to befriend me after I was done being his teacher, and then he didn't make a move on me.

Something about that didn't add up. Generally, I don't think guys befriend a girl unless they have some sort of interest in her. A girl can befriend a guy without sexual intentions, but I don't think a guy usually befriends a girl without having sexual intentions.

Plus, the first thing he did was invite me to a bar crawl. I feel like he definitely befriended me because he wanted to fuck me.

I didn't go to the bar crawl. The first time I hung out with him was at his party, which happened 2 months after he befriended me.

In that time, I think he got to know me a little better and decided I was worth more than fucking. I know this because he did not try to make a move on me at his party. But something prevented him from asking me out all the same.

The conclusion I came to is that the situation is a lot like the Ray situation. Tim wanted to fuck me at first, but then decided I was worth more than fucking after getting to know me. Probably he thinks that I'm worth more than fucking, but that there's something he sees that is telling him that I'm not the one for him. Then, because Tim is an infinitely better person than Ray, he chose to not even go there and not even start anything, because he can tell that we would date for awhile and then break up. Therefore he is sparing my emotional roller-coaster by being a decent human being and not asking me out.


This is all conjecture, but I think it will get the job done. I have before me a reasonable sequence of events that would explain Tim's actions towards me. Hopefully, I can start to move on and get over him now.

Traveling, Thoughts

I wonder if, according to The Book, there is an allowance for bad timing. Or is bad timing just another excuse that a guy gives who is just not that into you?

Not that Tim gave that as an excuse, mind you. But I'm wondering if he would ask me out if we were going to be in the same place. Maybe someday down the road, we will both be living in Las Vegas. I'm hopeful that he will ask me out then.

Because, goddamn it, the more I find out about him, the more I like him. Today he posted a song and said "This is how I feel right now. And it's awesome."

This is so much like me I can't get over it. I made that whole post about how he makes me feel "So Debussy." (Yes, I'm listening to Debussy right now).

Sigh. I'm supposed to be trying to get over him, since he hasn't asked me out. I just feel helpless in the fact that I can't.

In other news, I visited my grandmother today. It was so weird to go to the house and not have my grandfather be there. I felt sad and wished he were there.

In happier news, I got accepted into a summer program in Iceland! So excited for that. It is an expensive trip, but I think my department can cover it. And if it can't, I have money from my grandfather that would help with the cost. I think he would want me to spend it on something I would enjoy, like traveling.

I'm hoping that I also find an internship for the first part of the summer. I really need to get some experience in the field.

Appreciation

Some things occurred to me today as I was revamping my resume and writing a cover letter for my internship applications.

First of all, I feel like I need to show a better appreciation to my advisor. I've been involved in so many team projects, but I get so caught up in the details that it's hard to keep everything straight. He has asked for my help on a lot of things this semester, and I've done them, but I don't think I showed my gratitude as much as I should have (or wanted to). Being caught up in so much stress will do that to me I suppose.

Second of all, I should be more like my office-mate Tina. She also has been hard at work on these projects-- and has done more work on them than I have-- yet she never seems to be stressed out like I am. I really need to learn how to manage stress better. And be more efficient with my time.

Tim's friend Taylor alerted me to the fact that it sounded like I have ADHD. I was never diagnosed with it, but I was describing to him how I "have trouble staying focused," I "get bored easily," and "my mind wanders and starts thinking about other things." So maybe I have it, and that's why I have trouble concentrating on assignments. And meditation, for that matter.

Anyway, the third thing I realized is not actually new, but it reminded me that I should use to my advantage that people do their best work when they are happy. I've been getting a lot done over my break, but I don't feel stressed out because I'm on a break. It feels like I have all the time in the world to get things done, AND read books for fun, AND get my hair trimmed at the salon, AND piss around and do nothing.

It feels so good.

If only I could find a way to channel this mindset into my daily life: the mindset that I am on vacation. Not only am I more productive, but I do more of the things that I enjoy, and I am happier in general. Usually I don't tip baristas, but I have already tipped them twice since being on vacation. I tipped the hair stylist 20%, when normally I would have only tipped $15 (especially because my trim didn't come out as good as I had hoped). I felt more generous, and way less irritable, because I am happier. I have been in much higher spirits even though things have deteriorated with all the men I've been talking to.

If Taylor wants to be a little bitch and ignore me, slash be really stupid, that's his own damn problem. He and I didn't even have sex. And I did nothing wrong.

Collin I'm a little more peeved at. We had a great time on our date. He seemed to want to get to know all of me, even the unpleasant parts. He even volunteered the information that he had had a good time and wanted to do it again sometime. I told him I agreed. He had wanted to get together last weekend, but I was already out of town for spring break. It's been a week, and he has not contacted me at all. Fuck that shit. If he were really interested, he would have texted me by now to see how I'm enjoying the break.

I was a bit concerned at what would happen if Taylor and Collin both went to Tim's movie party this past weekend. It crossed my mind that Taylor would tell Tim that he and I had hooked up, and then Collin would say that he and I had went on a date. Either they didn't say anything, or Tim knows and doesn't care. And why should he care, since he hasn't even asked me out on a date??

Dom stopped contacting me. He's out anyway, because he said he would come to my concert and then didn't. Then when he asked me about how it had went, and I responded talking about it excitedly, he didn't respond. He texted me the next day talking about the weather. I get the feeling that he doesn't really want to get to know me. He just wants to know the superficial happy part of me.

Anyway, whatever. They are all missing out. I am fucking awesome, and if they can't handle that, it's their loss.

Love Myself

In the spirit of my New Year's Resolution, I'm making a list of things I really like about myself.

1. I try my best to be kind to everyone-- myself included.
2. I really care about everyone and everything.
3. I'm not afraid to make fun of myself.
4. I'm able to find the humor in lots of situations. I love to laugh.
5. I use both sides of my brain almost equally. I am proud to be a geologist musician.
6. When doing any sort of work, I put 100% into it. I don't do anything half-assed.
7. I do as many projects as I can. I'm happy to help out my team in any way that I can.
8. I actually enjoy working out. Cardio, strength training, stretching at the gym.
9. I love reading and writing in my spare time.
10. I'm not afraid to be a "real" person. Both good things and bad things happen to me. I'm not afraid to share both with others.
11. I feel most relaxed when I'm outside in the warm sunshine, around green plants that I can smell and get fresh oxygen from. Rushing water like oceans or streams also works well.
12. I love really, really long walks.
13. I am very open-minded when it comes to music and books.
14. I am really geeky about science and music. And Star Wars.
15. I love with my whole heart. When I fall, I fall hard. I am very loyal to those I love.

He's Just Not That Into You

Aaliya sent me this book in the mail called "He's Just Not That Into You." I've been reading it, and it's really helped me to put a few things in perspective.

First of all, that Tim is just not that into me. He never asked me out on a date.

Anyway, the chapter I was just reading was about people who disappear from your life. It sucks when you don't have an answer for why somebody you love leaves your life without warning. It's one of the most terrible kinds of emotional pain that exists (in fact, it's #2 on my list). Their advice was that their silence is the answer. Their silence means that they are just so much not into you that they don't even care enough to have a conversation about it.

So what are you supposed to do, then, if you can't get closure? You write them a long letter that you will never send. Mine is below.


Dear Ray,

It's been 7 months since I last saw you. I can't believe that so much time has passed, but it has.

I want you to know that you have deeply hurt me. Nobody has hurt me more than you have (and really, that is saying a lot). You have hurt me so badly that I am now afraid of other people. I'm afraid that the people I love will eventually be emotionally abusive to me: loving me one day and not even caring about me the next.

I believe that part of your emotional abuse came from your drug and alcohol addiction. It was a mistake for me to become involved with someone caught up in substance abuse.

But the other part of your emotional abuse came from the fact that you were just not into me, and you were too cowardly to tell me. Instead, you made me believe that I mattered to you. You convinced me to go against my best friend's wishes and date you. You didn't understand the magnitude of that request. I did it because I thought you were worth it. After all, you were there for me emotionally when I needed someone to be there for me the most-- that ghastly day last June when I got taken advantage of and ended up in serious trouble. Nobody had ever done that for me before, and it really meant a lot to me that you did. That's why I thought it was worth sacrificing friendship with my best friend to be with you.

I didn't understand at the time what you meant by "casual relationship." For me, the relationship was supposed to be casual only because I was moving away at the end of the summer. For you, it was because you were just not that into me. I did not understand that. So when you treated me very well, and made me think that you were head-over-heels crazy for me, I completely fell in love with you and that was how you were able to fool me.

I ignored some obvious red flags. That time you double-booked the evening with me and your friend, and you chose the friend over me? Red flag. I got upset and you told me I was being crazy. Actually, I had every right to be angry. The time you went out and got a $5 burrito instead of buying condoms so that we could have sex? Red flag. I told you that was very strange, and you denied it.

Then, you did that cowardly thing where you tried to get me to break up with you instead of breaking up with me yourself. Ray, I just made myself a promise. If anybody else ever treats me like that again, I am walking right out the door. There is absolutely no reason for me to spend any more time on someone who says that if we were to break up, he would not be upset, and would just go and play xbox.

When your attempt to have me break up with you failed, you treated me like shit for the next few weeks. I was worried about the status of our relationship. You gave me way less attention. You "took it back." When "Veronica" made her first appearance, you just didn't give a shit. You made your excuses, but you just didn't give a shit. My own boyfriend did not want me. Again, when I confronted you, you tried to shrug it all off as my being crazy. Well guess what Ray? I was not crazy. Just because you're too afraid to break up with someone you're just not that into, doesn't mean that I was crazy for noticing that you did not want me. If you had just been honest with me, had not strung me along, and had not used me for sex, you could have saved me a lot of pain.

Because that's what it comes down to: my pain and my anxiety. Not only did I lose you, but I lost my best friend. I even lost myself, because I allowed you to be emotionally abusive, and I allowed myself to be fooled by you.

I hope, someday, that you realize the extent of what you did to me. The extent of the pain that you caused me. The horrible result that I am afraid of people, and I am now afraid to trust them and afraid to love them. The cynic in me will never feel truly safe, and will always be wondering if the person I love is using me for personal gain. I'll always wonder whether the person I love will just disappear from my life, not even caring about me anymore.

You can try to deny it all you want. You can try to rationalize and try to make yourself not sound like a complete asshole. But one day, you'll realize that that's what you did, and you are one of the shittiest jerks around.

Veronica

Success!

I had a major breakthrough yesterday. I finally achieved my New Year's Resolution!

It took 2 months to get to that point, but at least I got there. Now I just need to maintain it, so we'll see how that goes.

Yesterday, for the first time in who knows how long, I was happy to be myself. For the first time in who knows how long, I was proud of myself. I was very proud of myself for all the hard work that I had done on my revised proposal. I was proud of myself for starting to become a competitive person in my field by taking on all these side projects. I was proud of myself for my personality trait of always seeing the best in people until they prove me wrong (even though that naivete gets me into quite a bit of trouble).

For the first time in a long time, I was happy with all the people in my life. As Fred pointed out to me, I have a lot of people in my life who really care about me. I realized that he was right, and that I needed to stop focusing on the people who do not care about me anymore who left my life. I'm so glad that there are a number of people I can actually count on, and it's about time that I start to enjoy it before anything happens to change that (but hopefully nothing will).

I may not make the best choices all the time, but at least I try to do the right thing. Deep down, I have a good heart. My kindness is both my best and my worst quality. And I am completely okay with that.


I'm wondering if I should break things off with Dom. I think he's a lot more into me than I'm into him; that's the impression I got from our date last night. First of all, he already got me a small gift (really? on the second date??). Second of all, when we went dancing he seemed only to want to dance to slow songs. Third of all, when we danced I got the impression he really wanted to kiss me, but I avoided it because I didn't want to. He kept doing this thing where he would press his forehead against my forehead.

On the one hand, Dom has many excellent qualities. He listens to musical music! He knows what mode mixture is (and thinks it's awesome)!! He's a gentleman!

But on the other hand, he has one bad quality (not tipping). Also, he took me to dinner at a place that only served beer and burgers, and talked about going to the beer and bacon fest (not really my cup of tea).

On the one hand, I'm still recovering from Ray and don't want to move with him too quickly. On the other hand, I'm wondering if I don't want to move too quickly with him because he is not Tim.

I've been trying to talk to Tim more. I texted him yesterday once and he responded right away, as per usual, and it was a decent response. I texted him a funny picture of me taking a syringe shot (OH MY GOD THE BEST) that he didn't respond to. Ugh :/ It occurred to me that maybe he lost interest because I wasn't showing enough interest, so I was trying to start talking to him more. But maybe he lost interest just because he lost interest. Who the fuck knows.