Gone

Well, that was short lived. I was making progress in trying to trust people again, and then this happened. My faith is now gone. Probably one of my shittiest nights of all time.

Last night, my department went out for sushi dinner. I had asked Tina the day before if she had wanted to grab a drink, but she hadn't been feeling well and said maybe we could go the next day. I asked her if she still wanted to get a drink after sushi, and she said she did. She extended the invitation to the rest of the people at dinner. So Tina, Andrea, Jerry, Adam, and I went to the bar for drinks.

Kevin had missed sushi, but was texting Andrea and Tina about getting drinks. He was not texting me about drinks. By the way, I text Kevin every time I'm out for a drink to see if he wants to join me, but he always says no. I thought maybe he didn't go out anymore, but apparently he just doesn't like me enough to want to get drinks with me. Once Kevin joined us, around 9 pm, he was giving Tina shit about being sick and not wanting drinks last night. So in fact he does go out drinking, but he just doesn't invite me.

Thanks Kevin. Thanks a lot. I thought we were pretty good friends and all, but apparently not.

Anyway, we decided to stay at the same bar after Kevin joined us. Come 10 pm, we were sitting on the comfy couches by the window that have the huge Jenga blocks near them on the table. I was sitting facing the window and Tina was facing the bar. Then she says, really obviously, "Veronica! *points* look behind you. Turn around."

Oh god. I knew what she was up to. But I wasn't about to look.
Me: *smile and nod*
Tina: You should go order something!
Me: No.
Adam: Wait, what's going on?
Me: Nothing.
Tina: Turn around and look!
Me: I'm trying to not look!
Adam: Wait a second... do you... have the hots for the bartender??
Me: No!
Adam: It's the guy in the glasses, isn't it. She likes the guy in the glasses doesn't she.
Me: I do not!
Andrea: His name is Tim.
Adam: Oh. And did he get an A?
Me: What are you talking about..
Adam: He was your student right?
Me: No! Can we change the subject??
Kevin: He totally was your student.
Me: So how about them Jenga blocks..
Adam: You should make a move!

And they just kept going and going.... being really loud and really obvious. Finally I was like, fine, I'll get a drink. I went over there and Tim saw me right away. He wasn't even all that happy to see me. Not really at all. He barely talked to me, and it's not like he was swarmed with customers.

When I went back to the group, they were all, "We just watched that whole thing" blah blah blah. Then Kevin asked me if Tim had been the one to give me an urn. This made me realize:

1. I had never told Kevin that story about the urn.
2. I had never told Kevin that I had liked Tim.
3. I had never told Adam that I had liked Tim, and I had certainly never told him that he was my student.

The only person I had told all those things to was Tina. Andrea knew some of it but not a lot. They must be telling everyone my secrets.

Even if they weren't, Tina at least knew enough information to know that Tim is not interested in me, but that I really liked him and was upset about that. I'm usually happy to talk about my love life and my sex life, but they should have realized that I did not want to talk about Tim. I mean, I said so many times. And yet, Tina just let everyone keep talking about it.


I literally could not believe it. I felt so humiliated. I finally was happy here, and I thought I was making friends and getting closer to people here. I really only felt comfortable enough to confide my secrets in three people: Tina, Fred, and Becky. So what, I'm not supposed to confide in anyone, because they'll just tell everyone else?

Now, all I can think about is how Kevin doesn't even like me all that much, and how he probably gets together with Tina and Andrea without me. They probably discuss my ridiculously horrible, dramatic life, and laugh at me and the fact that I had a stupid crush on my student who didn't even like me back. I don't think I have ever felt more pathetic.