Healing

Finally, I've made good progress healing. I am armed with knowledge and fully prepared to do everything in my power to avoid and extract myself from emotionally abusive relationships.

I fully recommend that all girls read "He's Just Not That Into You." Never before have I understood men more clearly.

What I didn't understand (and what I'm pretty sure very few women understand) is that guys would rather be run over by a bus than admit to a girl that they are just not that into them. Hence all the mixed signals, murkiness, and offending behavior-- which are completely confusing and infuriating to all women-- really just mean that the guy is just not that into you. He may be somewhat into you, but he's just not THAT into you.

That's it. Guys really aren't lying when they say that they are simple creatures.

Problem #1: What do you do, then, when you're in a relationship and something happens to make you unhappy? Do you just break up with the guy on the spot, or do you shrug it off as a one-time mistake?

Answer: It depends on what he did. Fred helped me out with this one. He said there's the one-time deal-breaker vs. the three-time deal-breaker.

A one-time deal-breaker is when the guy does something to make you feel bad about yourself or feel like the guy is just not that into you. Example: My first ever argument with Ray. Ray had double-booked the evening with me and his friend, and then picked his friend over me. He had wanted me to reschedule with him for later in the evening, when we were supposed to hang out that afternoon. I was upset because Ray had made me feel like I wasn't important and that my time was expendable.

A three-time deal-breaker is something that the guy does that you don't like or that rubs you the wrong way. Examples: Collin's inflated ego and Dom's tendency to not tip. Neither of those things made me feel bad about myself or made me feel like the guy was just not that into me. But they rubbed me the wrong way that after a few times of seeing them in action, I was irritated enough that I didn't want to continue seeing the guy. As Fred pointed out, if something about the guy bothers you after a few times, it's going to keep bothering you. If it bothers you once, but you end up deciding it's not that big of a deal, then it's no longer a problem.

Problem #2: Well that's all well and good, but you can't just turn off your feelings.
Correct. This system is designed more so that you can avoid problems with guys altogether by figuring out that they are just not that into you, before you fall for them. It's harder to extract yourself from a situation when you have already fallen for the guy. Example: Fucking Tim. I know that he is just not that into me because he has not asked me out on a date. Plus, I've asked him to hang out with me twice now and he didn't come either time. Yet because I've fallen for him, I can't just shut off my feelings. It will take some time for them to go away, but that doesn't stop me from wishing that there were some sort of magic solution.

Also, I have made myself a promise (which Aaliya gave me her verbal co-signature over the phone). If any guy treats me as badly as Ray did, I will break up with him on the spot. If I have trouble extracting myself from the relationship, Aaliya has promised to instruct me to break up with him.

Problem #3: I don't know about you, but I don't have all that many suitors. It's lonely.
Yes, it is lonely. I currently have no suitors. Last month I had 5. They're all gone now. The last time I had suitors was right before I left State College, when I had 8 all at the same time. When it rains, it pours I guess. But in between, the soil is so parched that it's dead.

The point is, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you like shit. Or to be with someone who treats you alright, but not as well as you'd like to be treated. Life is to short to be put down by your significant other, and to deal with all the stress that comes with it.

Problem #4: What are you supposed to tell the guy when you break it off?
I wish the book had discussed this a little bit better. The author describes the book as the woman's secret or subtle advice. You can't just accuse the guy of not being into you.

In fact, you can't confront the guy with anything it seems. Example: I confronted Ray about our first fight, and all he did was deny it. What I should have done was break up with him on the spot. I allowed him to assuage me, and to manipulate me into thinking that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was the one being ridiculous.

I'll extend this one to people in general. It's so frustrating! People just go around denying everything. Nobody wants to admit that they made a mistake, that they hurt someone, or that they don't like someone. When confronted, it's just denied.

Then, sometimes they don't even understand that they made a mistake. In their eyes, everything is all peaches and sunshine, and they never did anything wrong at all.

Given these facts, it might just be better to not tell them anything at all. I'm still not sure how to handle this one though. As someone on the receiving end of many friend breakups, it sucked when the person just stopped talking to me with no explanation. Because in my mind, I hadn't done anything wrong. I didn't know of anything that I had done wrong, so it hurt because I didn't know what I had done to warrant the end of a friendship. It would cause me to spend many hours trying to understand, trying to think of some sort of solution so that I could get some closure on the situation.

So I don't know.