He's Just Not That Into You

Aaliya sent me this book in the mail called "He's Just Not That Into You." I've been reading it, and it's really helped me to put a few things in perspective.

First of all, that Tim is just not that into me. He never asked me out on a date.

Anyway, the chapter I was just reading was about people who disappear from your life. It sucks when you don't have an answer for why somebody you love leaves your life without warning. It's one of the most terrible kinds of emotional pain that exists (in fact, it's #2 on my list). Their advice was that their silence is the answer. Their silence means that they are just so much not into you that they don't even care enough to have a conversation about it.

So what are you supposed to do, then, if you can't get closure? You write them a long letter that you will never send. Mine is below.


Dear Ray,

It's been 7 months since I last saw you. I can't believe that so much time has passed, but it has.

I want you to know that you have deeply hurt me. Nobody has hurt me more than you have (and really, that is saying a lot). You have hurt me so badly that I am now afraid of other people. I'm afraid that the people I love will eventually be emotionally abusive to me: loving me one day and not even caring about me the next.

I believe that part of your emotional abuse came from your drug and alcohol addiction. It was a mistake for me to become involved with someone caught up in substance abuse.

But the other part of your emotional abuse came from the fact that you were just not into me, and you were too cowardly to tell me. Instead, you made me believe that I mattered to you. You convinced me to go against my best friend's wishes and date you. You didn't understand the magnitude of that request. I did it because I thought you were worth it. After all, you were there for me emotionally when I needed someone to be there for me the most-- that ghastly day last June when I got taken advantage of and ended up in serious trouble. Nobody had ever done that for me before, and it really meant a lot to me that you did. That's why I thought it was worth sacrificing friendship with my best friend to be with you.

I didn't understand at the time what you meant by "casual relationship." For me, the relationship was supposed to be casual only because I was moving away at the end of the summer. For you, it was because you were just not that into me. I did not understand that. So when you treated me very well, and made me think that you were head-over-heels crazy for me, I completely fell in love with you and that was how you were able to fool me.

I ignored some obvious red flags. That time you double-booked the evening with me and your friend, and you chose the friend over me? Red flag. I got upset and you told me I was being crazy. Actually, I had every right to be angry. The time you went out and got a $5 burrito instead of buying condoms so that we could have sex? Red flag. I told you that was very strange, and you denied it.

Then, you did that cowardly thing where you tried to get me to break up with you instead of breaking up with me yourself. Ray, I just made myself a promise. If anybody else ever treats me like that again, I am walking right out the door. There is absolutely no reason for me to spend any more time on someone who says that if we were to break up, he would not be upset, and would just go and play xbox.

When your attempt to have me break up with you failed, you treated me like shit for the next few weeks. I was worried about the status of our relationship. You gave me way less attention. You "took it back." When "Veronica" made her first appearance, you just didn't give a shit. You made your excuses, but you just didn't give a shit. My own boyfriend did not want me. Again, when I confronted you, you tried to shrug it all off as my being crazy. Well guess what Ray? I was not crazy. Just because you're too afraid to break up with someone you're just not that into, doesn't mean that I was crazy for noticing that you did not want me. If you had just been honest with me, had not strung me along, and had not used me for sex, you could have saved me a lot of pain.

Because that's what it comes down to: my pain and my anxiety. Not only did I lose you, but I lost my best friend. I even lost myself, because I allowed you to be emotionally abusive, and I allowed myself to be fooled by you.

I hope, someday, that you realize the extent of what you did to me. The extent of the pain that you caused me. The horrible result that I am afraid of people, and I am now afraid to trust them and afraid to love them. The cynic in me will never feel truly safe, and will always be wondering if the person I love is using me for personal gain. I'll always wonder whether the person I love will just disappear from my life, not even caring about me anymore.

You can try to deny it all you want. You can try to rationalize and try to make yourself not sound like a complete asshole. But one day, you'll realize that that's what you did, and you are one of the shittiest jerks around.

Veronica