Growing Up With Emotional Abuse

I've been thinking more about why I wanted Ray back in my life, even after the emotional abuse. It's not that I have low self-esteem or anything (because I have a healthy amount of self-esteem). It's because I'm used to people who care about me not treating me well emotionally. People like my family and my friends, who I know care about me, just don't treat me well emotionally sometimes. So now, it's in my mind that people who care about me will treat me badly emotionally. It's not that I think that the behavior is ok, it's that I've come to accept that that's the way things are. I had to lower my expectations because for the longest time, I didn't have any close friends who were respectful of me 100% of the time. Now, I have friends who treat me the way I want to be treated, so I know that my expectation wasn't too lofty. It's just that before, I didn't know that it was possible for people like that to exist. I simply thought my expectations of people were too high. You know?

And also, it's one thing if friends don't treat me well, because I just won't talk to them again. But family? They're the ones who are SUPPOSED to treat me well 100% of the time. But they just don't, and they never have. And it's not like I can just stop talking to them and cut them out of my life. That wouldn't solve anything.

I give my mom credit, because she is trying to improve. The problem I've had with my mom is that she is not empathetic at all. If I'm upset about a problem and try to talk to her about it, she ends up saying the wrong thing because she doesn't know what to say. When I was younger, I thought she just didn't care about my problems. But now, I understand her better.

Things with my dad have improved since I've moved out of the house. However, he still makes me feel small sometimes and stupid. For instance, when I was setting up my bank account here at the beginning  of the semester, I was going to put money into my new account from my credit card, because I had forgotten to bring my checks with me. My dad seemed like he was really annoyed with me for forgetting the checks and his response made me feel like I was stupid for having done so. It would have been one thing if it wouldn't have worked to do it from a credit card, but because that option WORKED, he had no reason to be making me feel like that. Also, the fact that my dad gets upset about the smallest things causes me a great deal of stress that I shouldn't have to deal with. For instance, he got mad at me because I didn't wake him up at 7:30 am, because I got up 10 minutes later than I thought I was going to at 7:40 am. We didn't have anywhere to be at a specific time, so it was ridiculous for him to get so mad about it.

Things with my sister have gotten worse. She decided to take out her feelings of discontent on me about our parents' divorce, by yelling at me about pants that I donated that were hers. I thought the pants were mine, because she gave them to me 8 years ago and had never requested to wear them again in all that time. But when she learned I had donated them, she went on and on and on about it, ruining my vacation and almost ruining my dad's wedding. Even though I apologized and accepted responsibility for donating her pants, she just wouldn't let it go. Finally I asked her what the actual problem was, and she started talking about the divorce. Yeah, thanks sis. Because I'm the person you should be angry about over someone else's divorce.

Plus, both my sister and my dad have poor tone usage when they talk to me. They make me feel like I'm stupid for things like having long hair and liking Dan Brown books. They make me feel like I can't be myself.

So that's what I've had to deal with for my whole life. Then on top of that, I've had to deal with friends treating me badly emotionally sometimes too. Ever since my mom moved closer into Boston, only a few of my friends have made any effort to come to my new house or do things closer to where I live sometimes. It was really upsetting to me. I invited two of my friends over for New Years Eve, and 15 minutes before they were supposed to get to my house, they called me and said they weren't coming anymore because they "didn't feel comfortable" driving all the way there at night. I think that's so dumb. If they felt that way, they should have at least given me more notice, before my mom went out and bought snacks for everyone and I was getting everything all set up.

Also, they set up a Yankee Swap on my birthday. They apparently forgot it was my birthday, and didn't care that they had scheduled something on my birthday after I told them about it. Nobody would even go out for a drink with me after the Swap because it was snowing and they couldn't drive 1 mile to a restaurant. Smh.

I don't know what it is, but my high school friends don't care about birthdays. I see evidence that friends are supposed to care about each other's birthdays on my Facebook feed. People are always posting statuses about wishing their friends happy birthdays and going out for their friends' birthdays. Well, not me. I'm stuck with people who could care less about my birthday and never want to go out and celebrate it with me.

Then, I have John being emotionally abusive by saying I'm a bad friend for dumping an emotional load on him, that I'm responsible for a decline in his grade from when he talked to me when I was having an emotional crisis, and that I'm not allowed to have an opinion on anything until I have thoroughly researched all possible avenues of the subject, because otherwise I'm narrow-minded.

So all this is probably why I was all set to take back Ray after he treated me like crap. I'm just used to people in my life treating me like crap.

Nighttime Blues

I don’t know why, but nighttime is always when I feel the worst. I feel a lot lonelier at night. Also, I think about mistakes I made in the past. I cringe at embarrassing memories. I have nightmares. Nighttime is when the pain has time to sink in, because usually I’m so busy during the rest of the day that I don’t have time to feel it, let alone acknowledge it.

Right now, the pain I’m feeling is this: the person I love, who used to care about me a great deal, doesn’t even care about me anymore. He could care less. If I died tomorrow, he wouldn’t bat an eyelash. Do you know how horrible that feels? It feels like someone is cutting into my heart with a sharp piece of glass. It feels like someone is feeding my soul with ice. It feels like both of those things at the same time. And Ray doesn’t even care or notice. Now, he’s just somebody that I used to know.

Lawrence asked me if I have really low self-worth or something. Why else would I want Ray back even after every shitty thing he did to me?

I don’t have an answer to that question. I do have self-worth, so that’s not it.

Then Becca asked me why I felt like I needed to be with someone. As in, why do I go out of my way to try to find eligible guys to try to date. She says that she lets the guys come to her. Becca spends her time being herself, and that’s it. She goes about her business and focuses on her hobbies, and then guys find her while she does those things.

I really like her philosophy, but I’m not sure how I can convert into that way of thinking. I don’t fully understand why I feel like I need to be with someone.

Maybe I’m just impatient. I haven’t actually had that many boyfriends, and I’ve been on an even fewer number of dates. It’s because I’ve been around the wrong sorts of guys (college has become one of the worst places to meet guys). I’m tired of guys who are bad in bed. I’m tired of guys who aren’t serious. I’m looking for something real. Something genuine. Something exciting.

I’m not gonna lie, a large part of the problem is physical. Sex Withdrawal is one of the more unpleasant things I’ve experienced in life. Now it’s at the point where I get the urge to fuck a guy, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t go and hook up with some random guy because more likely than not the sex would suck and I would start bleeding (long story). I’m not good enough at “giving myself a hand” for it to actually be satisfying. So it’s just suffering until the next boyfriend, basically.

There is an emotional part to it, too. This is the part I’m not sure about. All I know is, I feel like in order for me to be the happiest I can imagine, I would need to have a happy love life. Like I said, I do have self worth; there’s already a lot that I do to make myself happy. But no matter how happy I make myself, I’m always going to be happier if I have close relationships with other people. Close friends. A boyfriend. I don’t believe that the happiness from other people should take the place of the happiness I create for myself, but instead I believe that both types of happiness are necessary for me to be the happiest Veronica I can imagine. So I don’t understand how I’m not supposed to go seeking that type of happiness, because if I didn't, then I wouldn't be trying to be the happiest Veronica I can imagine. I guess I’ll have to talk to Becca about it more the next time I see her.

Disinterest

I'm feeling a little bit disinterested in my life at the moment. This isn't a good sign. I know that depressed people have lost interest in their lives; that's how I know that while I've been mildly depressed before, I've never had a depression problem.

Last night, I went out on a sort-of date. Lawrence was trying to set me up with his chemical engineering friend, Evan, so we all went out to dinner and then hung out afterwards in the coffee shop and the bar. I remember that yesterday, I was only mildly interested in the date beforehand. I had a great time while I was there-- Evan was really nice, we seemed to have similar humor, and he was also very interested in musicals and books. We played a game of Scrabble at the coffee shop, and the game quickly turned dirty-- words like "boners," "cult," "grower"... you get the idea. Then at the bar we played a few games of pool, and Evan and I played on the same team and were sharing a cue stick (aww). The thing is, Evan didn't ask me that many questions about myself, and he didn't ask for my phone number at the end of the night. Based on that, I don't think he liked me enough to go on an actual date with me.

I should be more unhappy about this I think. Maybe I'm not unhappy about it because I wasn't all that excited about it to begin with, so I wasn't expecting a lot to come out of it. I don't know. At least I have a good attitude about it, because I feel like if something happens, then great, but if something doesn't, than it's ok, because at least I got a fun night out of it.

But also, I'm feeling the same sort of disinterest right before my conference in Las Vegas. Like meeting Evan, I was really excited about it when the plans first fell into place. But now, the day before I leave, I'm just disinterested. I have no idea why. Maybe I'm stressed out because I have so much schoolwork to catch up on. But geothermal energy is my career. I should be extremely excited about it. I really like it, honestly.

But I don't like it nearly as much as I like music. I was forced to give up on my dream of being a musician. My old viola teacher told me that I'm not good enough to make it in the field. I saw this firsthand when this amazing grad student violist at my school made the auditioning rounds and never got a job. Zee has been playing viola her whole life, and has been in conservatories since she was 9 years old. And yet, she could never make it past the final round of auditions. So if Zee couldn't get a job, and I know how amazing of a player she is, then what chance did I have? I knew that my teacher was right.

Even if I didn't have that problem of not being good enough, I have the problem of my body. My body can't handle the stress of playing viola so much. When I played every day, I could only play for an hour or an hour and a half at most. The long orchestra rehearsals were particularly taxing on my body. This is why my wrist got sprained during the Williamsport rehearsal. Pair a long car ride (an hour and a half) with not being able to warm up before the rehearsal (because we only got there 15 minutes or so before the rehearsal started, and it takes me half an hour to warm up) and a 3-hour rehearsal... it's no wonder that my wrist buckled.

So now I'm in the position where I can't do the thing that I love the most as a career. Even though I'm disinterested in men and in the geothermal conference, I still am very much interested in music. I'm so happy that I can still play in the GGFSO concert next weekend. I went to the first rehearsal on Thursday night, and I was so happy to be around other musicians, and so happy to be playing music again, that I didn't care that my back hurt terribly afterward.


I don't know, maybe this disinterest is because I'm still upset about the Ray situation. I'm still upset that he doesn't care about me anymore. I still feel the pain. I just have to keep reminding myself that the Ray that I love is gone. All that's left is someone who doesn't care about me anymore and who thinks I'm immature. Someone who didn't even try to understand my point of view because it took too much effort. I know that I'm better off without him, but it still hurts really bad.

Strangers Are (a Good Sort of) Surprising

One thing I've realized is that people can actually be extremely kind and helpful. And surprising. A lot of times, these people are complete strangers.

For the most part, strangers are friendly. If you're lost, they are more than happy to give you directions. If you have a problem that they can help you with, they will help you.

Take, for instance, the time my computer malfunctioned a few weeks ago. When I called Apple Support, I was told that I needed to replace my battery. I ordered a new battery and was computer-less for a week. Then when the battery came, my computer still didn't charge correctly. They told me that it was either a cable issue or a port issue. None of my friends (or anyone I know here really) have a Mac. There is no Mac store here, either. The closest one is an hour and a half away. Therefore, I had to go to the library and ask random people if I could try their cables in my port.

It took awhile before someone could help me. Some people didn't have their cables with them, and others had a different model that had a different cable than mine. Even though they couldn't help me, they all said they wished they could help, and seemed to genuinely want to help. Finally, the one girl had a cable that worked in my port, which saved me the time and money of sending in my laptop to the Apple company to have them do maintenance on my port. I was so relieved and thankful that she was able to help me out like that, when she didn't even know me and didn't have any reason to do so.

Also, Starbucks baristas have always been nice to me. Maybe it's because I'm a regular (well, before I bought my own espresso machine). Once, I was having a really bad day, so I treated myself to a java chip frappuccino. The barista forgot to reduce the amount of ice in it like I had asked, so she remade it for me. Then she said I could just have the other one, because she would just throw it out anyway. I thought that that was really nice of her, especially because I was having a really bad day.

Then, the baristas started memorizing my order (grande hot black and white mocha latte, nonfat, no whip, and just one pump of each, please). It was always nice when I would go in and they would know my name and my order. Sometimes they would even see me waiting in the line (if it was a really long line) and they would write out my order on the cup and put it in line, so that I wouldn't have to wait as long for it.

Another time, I ordered my usual, but iced. I had talked to the barista a few times before, and we had discussed J.K. Rowling's new book The Casual Vacancy. She was really nice to me and gave me a discount on my drink, because at the time they were running a deal where if you brought your receipt in from earlier in the day, you got your next iced drink half off. But I hadn't bought a drink earlier, and she gave me the discount anyway. That was really nice of her.


It's not just strangers, either, that can be surprising in a good way. Sometimes, people you thought would never talk to you again reach out and contact you.

One such person is my ex-boyfriend, T.J. Last summer, when my life went to hell, he sent me a Facebook message. He was concerned about me because so many of my status updates had been really angry. To give you some background, T.J. and I had a really great relationship, but then he broke up with me when I went to college (taking me completely off-guard). Then, he dated my friend Rory the next summer, and decided that apparently she was worth doing long-distance with. So things ended pretty badly between us, and we hadn't talked in 4 years. Yet, he surprised me and reached out to me when I needed a friend. Now, we still talk once in awhile. It's really interesting actually.

Another of these people is my friend Nick. Nick and I have known each other for 4 years, and we used to hang out and party all the time. Then, when I had a falling-out with this guy Chris, Nick and all our other mutual friends picked him over me. However, last summer I got a temporary job, and it turned out that Nick was one of the managers there. He and I were reunited, and we went on to have many hilarious moments and conversations on the job. I thought that it wouldn't extend past the summer though, because I was moving away. But even though I moved away, he still contacts me every once and awhile with a "HEH!!!!!!!!!" and asks me if I'm solving any mysteries up in North Dakota (Haha. Inside joke.).


These instances make me happy because they remind me that not all people are bad, even if other people are treating me badly at the time.

Immaturity

Since I was called immature by Ray, and then John agreed, I've been thinking about immaturity. Ray said I'm immature because I get upset about little things. John said I'm immature because I make decisions based on my emotions instead of based on rational thoughts.

In my opinion, I don't think either of those things is immature. I agree that they are flaws, but it's not immaturity, at least at this point in my life. John's reason would be considered immature if I had children, for instance. If you have children, you have to put your children's needs in front of your own. To do this, you would, most of the time, need to make decisions based on rational thought, instead of emotions.

But at this point in my life, I'm not providing for anyone else. I'm trying to figure out how to be happy, and to do that I need to make decisions based on my emotions. When I have 3 kids and a mortgage, then John can call me immature for not using rational thought.

I think that what is considered "immature" changes with your age. Right now I am 23. At this point in my life, I'm learning how to make myself happy. I'm learning how to be responsible with money and time. I'm learning how to set myself up for a successful life and career. Learning how to take responsibility for my mistakes. Learning how to respect other people.

Based on this, I think that Ray is the pot calling the kettle black. Ray just turned 24, so he is only a few months older than me. However, he is failing in almost every regard to the things we're supposed to be learning at this age. I have never met anyone more irresponsible with money and time than Ray. Ray was the type of person who would have spent his entire paycheck on restaurant food, drinks, and drugs two days after he received it. He could not pay his credit card bill, and his approach was to ignore the credit card company every time they tried to call him (at least once a day). He would double-book his schedule and expect everyone to rearrange their schedules to accommodate his. He would not inform people if his plans changed, again expecting them to drop everything to accommodate his schedule. He gave minimal effort for his classes, saying that he didn't turn in an entire term paper because he would still pass the class with a D without that grade. Ray hardly took responsibility for his mistakes and tried to ignore problems in the hope that they would go away. He did not respect me when he was emotionally abusive to me, and also when he tried to walk out on me when I tried to talk to him about things I was unhappy about or upset about.

I think that Ray is actually the immature one.

As for John, it was a dick move for him to tell me that he agreed with Ray that I was immature when I was going to him for emotional support. Then John had to go and also be emotionally abusive-- arguing with everything I said, saying that the ONLY way for me to get better was to go to therapy, and saying that I was a bad friend for "dumping an emotional load" on him and that I was responsible for lowering his grades as a result of these conversations. But at least John admitted that he can be immature sometimes too, so there's that.

Scenarios

The following is the product of two months of analysis about my relationship with Ray and how he felt about me. This was one of the most confusing and puzzling experiences of my life.

The Facts

1. He treated me really well for 2 weeks.
2. We had a few small fights about his poor time and money management skills and his poor word choice. I was also PMSing, so probably I was overreacting.
3. He brought up the end of the summer out of the blue.
4. He chose acid over me when I was upset about thinking about the end of summer and needed to talk to him about it.
5. That escalated into a huge fight where he was angry that I was too emotionally attached.
6. He treated me really badly, backing off emotionally and physically, accusing me of trying to control his life when I was trying to do what he wanted and help him with drugs. He refused to work through arguments.
7. We broke up, and I said I didn't want to be friends.
8. After a week, I told him that I had figured out that I was so angry because he had been That Person and then taken it back. He apologized, said he had never intended to hurt me like that, and promised he would still be that person for me and that he would never take it back again.
9. We were friends for a few weeks and he kept his word. He was working on building up his trust with me again because I was worried he would take it back again.
10. He started acting really coupley right before I left town.
11. I left town, and we were friends for about a week. I told him I missed him and he told me I needed to get over it. He said he had never had an emotional attachment to me beyond just really good friends.
12. I didn't trust him anymore and needed him to be there for me emotionally. He refused to talk to me, ignoring my phone call and texting me saying "k let's not be friends." He picked Xbox over me.
13. I told him that he had hurt me in the worst way possible, and to never contact me again. I told him to get checked for bipolar disorder. We were not friends for 3 weeks.
14. I realized I was not happy with my decision because I realized I was in love with him. I forgave him for choosing the Xbox over me, apologized for the bipolar comment, and asked if we could start over. He didn't respond.
15. He responded to my happy birthday text with "thanks :)," but then did not respond to my casual conversation starter the following day.
16. Lawrence convinced me to text him and ask him to clarify if he wanted to be friends. He said no, because I "need to grow up" and I'm "immature and get mad about little things." He refused to go into detail even though I said it was my final request of him to know exactly why we could not be friends.
17. Pain

The Interpretation

The two most likely theories are the "Definitions" theory and the "Commitment phobe" theory. Both are very similar.

He treated me well at the beginning of the relationship because it was the honeymoon phase of the relationship. He was happy to be in a new relationship with someone. He did and said all those nice things because he felt like he was supposed to do and say them as my boyfriend (if he did mean them, he did not understand that they came across as being more serious because he has a different definition of "serious relationship" than I do [Definitions]).

Or maybe he really was genuinely happy with me, and his feelings changed when I got more serious. When I got more serious, he freaked out because at this point in his life he is experimental with girls and he's not looking for anything serious or permanent. Or, when we started fighting, he decided he was just going to give up. He would do anything if it was convenient for him, but when he realized that a relationship actually takes work, he abandoned ship (Commitment phobe).

The fight about the end of summer was a red herring. He realized he wanted to break up with me when I got more serious but was trying to get me to break up with him on account of being bad at breakups. He knew that talking about the end of summer would upset me into breaking up with him. He picked acid over me because he didn't care anymore about being with me and being there for me.

He treated me so horribly because he had tried to break up with me in the big fight but failed. He knew our relationship couldn't work and so he didn't want to put in any effort anymore. Either that or he was trying to make the relationship more casual again by backing off on the affection.

Because he cared about me like a good friend, he didn't want me to be upset with him for "taking it back." He didn't fully understand what I meant by That Person, so he agreed to do it and promised he would never take it back again.

When I needed him emotionally after our phone fight, he thought I was being clingy and treating him like he was my boyfriend. He didn't understand that I needed him as That Person. He equated "talking with a girl about her feelings and emotions" with "being the girl's boyfriend." He said "k let's not be friends" because he didn't want to talk to me about my feelings and emotions, and it was an immediate solution to his problem (thanks Ashley for being able to interpret that).

From his point of view, it was ridiculous I freaked out over him playing Xbox. He didn't understand that by doing that he was "taking it back" again and causing me the worst pain I had ever experienced (up until then anyway) by giving me what I had always wanted, but never had, taking it back, then promising me he would give it to me again, and then taking it back again. He probably tells people I'm "crazy" because he doesn't understand my point of view.

As I discovered I was in love with him, he stopped caring about me completely. He didn't even care enough to fulfill my final request of him, because even that was too much effort for him to put forth. And that, my friends, is the worst pain that I have ever experienced. When somebody you love tells you that they don't care about you anymore and that they don't want you in their life.

Even though it hurts so bad, I know that it was the right decision. Some days are better than others. But I know that it will take me a long time to heal, but at least I have the answer. I don't have to waste all that emotional energy wondering if he wants to be friends or not. Even though I couldn't ask him the questions I had about our relationship, thinking about it for 2 months has given me what is probably a fairly accurate sequence of events. It's the best I can come up with, and that will have to be enough.

Understanding Another Person

It is extremely hard to understand another person. I read this book over the summer called Secrets of a Lady by Tracy Grant, and this book was very wise. One of my favorite quotes from it is, "It's never easy to understand anther person... But it's important to try, even when the people are beastly. Maybe especially then."

What I have learned is that when somebody acts beastly, you simply do not understand their point of view. That's it. The person is not evil. ("Good is a point of view, Anakin," said the Emperor.) A person can do evil things, like Anakin did, but that does not make that person evil. I truly, firmly, believe in this statement.

One of the things I realized a few weeks ago is that this situation applied to Ray. He had treated me very poorly. He had been beastly. But that just meant that I didn't understand his point of view. I have spent the last two months trying to understand his point of view, and I still don't understand it completely. However, I have come a long way in that regard.

Some of my friends have told me that I have an unhealthy obsession with Ray, and trying to understand him. Maybe that's true. One of my flaws is that it's hard for me to let go of situations, especially if I do not understand the truth about what happened. As for Ray, I do love the guy, so I'm trying my best to understand. But I don't think that it's a bad thing to try to understand somebody else, especially if that person is really important to you. In fact, it might be one of the best gifts that you can give them. Trying to understand them, I mean.

But I did make a mistake, and I am just starting to understand. My friend Lawrence helped me to realize this. He is really smart and really wise. The other day, when Ray responded to my happy birthday text, Lawrence had said that Ray had forgiven me. Lawrence told me that after talking to his older friend, he realized he had made a mistake in telling me that. What he should have told me, he said, was to ask Ray directly if he wanted to be friends.

"If you ask Ray directly," Lawrence was saying, "you will know the answer. And you can stop wasting emotional energy in wondering and contemplating."

I realized that Lawrence was completely right. I did follow his advice, but I'll get to that later. Anyway, Lawrence helped me realize that I had made a mistake when Ray and I were dating. He pointed out that when Ray asked me to be his girlfriend, we both had said we wanted a casual relationships. My mistake, then, was not telling him that my feelings became more serious, and not asking him if he felt more serious too. I had assumed that Ray felt more serious about me because his words, actions, and emotions seemed to point in that direction. But because Ray had started out saying he only wanted a casual relationship, I should have asked him if he was starting to feel more serious about me, instead of assuming that he did.

Honestly, this did not even occur to me at the time. I did not even think about asking Ray if he felt more serious, because I was convinced that he did. It would have saved me a lot of emotional energy if I had thought of asking him that.

And I do have to give Ray props, because he did that himself. Back when we were friends with benefits, he had that conversation with me. He said, "I know I said that I didn't want a relationship, but I'm starting to get attached. What do you think?"

So Ray understood something that I didn't. He understood that because he had started out saying he felt one way, it was his duty to tell me when he started feeling a different way.

I'm planning to keep this in mind for all my future relationships. I need to remember that words, actions, and emotions are great indicators about how somebody feels, but they are not absolute. The only way to understand how somebody else feels is to ask them. And even then, it's not certain that they will tell you the truth. They could lie to you because they are embarrassed about how they feel, or because they want to protect your feelings, or for some other reason. But the best we can do is hope that they tell us the truth.

Public Service Announcement

I wrote myself this Public Service Announcement about a week ago. I had contacted Ray saying that I had been doing a lot of thinking, that I forgave him, and that I was sorry for the bipolar comment. He never responded to that (of course). I wrote this because I was pretty sure he didn't want to be friends. However, yesterday was his birthday and I sent him a happy birthday text, to which he promptly responded with "thanks :)." That got my hopes up. But then today when I asked him how his birthday was and if he had done anything fun, there was no response. That son of a bitch was just being polite. And apparently, he thinks that smiley faces can be just "polite." Anyway I need this again:


I am awesome! I am good enough at geology to have gotten to study with the best geothermal guy around right now. Not only that, but my tuition is completely covered and I am getting paid a nice stipend each month to be a teaching assistant. I am actually a good teacher and actually enjoy teaching, which is surprising. My colleagues think I'm smart-- one of them asked me for a copy of my presentation because he said I had done a really good job and was very thorough.


In addition to being smart, I am also very healthy and fit. I have lost 24 lb in 3.5 months. I try my best to eat the right amounts of each food group every day. I actually enjoy it too. But yes once in awhile I indulge and eat something sweet. I have managed to bounce back from all of my injuries, and now I go to the gym 6 days a week. Today I was on the elliptical for 26 min, and I barely broke a sweat. Not only is my cardiovascular fitness excellent, but I am also very muscular and strong, lifting weights 3 times a week. I make sure to stretch 4 days a week to have strong joints and avoid injury. I look pretty hot, if I do say so myself.

In addition to being smart, healthy, and fit, I get to do the things I love. I joined the Greater Grand Forks Symphony Orchestra; they wanted me enough that I don't have to audition right away. I get to meet musicians here in Grand Forks (and hopefully some sexy bass players) and play a concert once a month. And I get paid to do it, which is even better. Moreover, I get to go to cool geothermal and geology conferences with my department. There's GRC in Las Vegas at the end of September that I think we're going to, and I'm planning to go to the Geological Society of America conference in Denver in October.

So I've got things going on for my career, and I'm doing the things that I love. I have great friends too. Even though they aren't in the same place as me, I talk to Lana, Ashley, Cameron, and Mandy almost every day. They care enough about me to stay in touch. Plus I've met some great people here already: Lawrence, John, Becca, and Tina.

Finally, all the boys they wanna sex me. Especially when I'm at a club and dance with them. You're talking to the girl who got asked out by 7 guys in 2 weeks. Bring it.

In conclusion, I am a smart, successful, talented woman who is healthy, fit, and stylish. I like the life I'm living and live the life I like. If you don't want to be part of it, Ray, then it's your loss. I do not need you to complete my life, because as you can see I'm doing damned well on my own.

The Ray Thing

Ray and I had a great relationship... for about two weeks. We got in one fight near the end of those two weeks, but that was because I was PMSing. And he knew it because I was honest about it (haha).

In that two week time period, I thought that Ray had really fallen for me. I knew this because of his actions, his words, and his expression.

His Words:

• When I said I was lucky to have him, he said "No, I'm the lucky one."
• Saying I'm a great viola player
• Saying I have the "voice of an angel" and wanting me to sing for the music he makes with his friend Ted
• He said he would always be there for me, and would never hurt me/abandon me like other people had
• Saying that we had something special
• Saying that he wished we had met earlier and had more time together
• Telling me that the most attractive quality I had was that I was smart
• Saying that he wanted to protect me and keep me safe
• Telling me that he wanted to vacation with me in Florida so I could meet his mom
• Telling me he wanted to move in with me at the end of the summer while he was in between apartment leases
• Endless compliments about my body
• Telling me that "nice girls finish last and nice guys finish last. we can finish last together."
• "We've been together a week now, but it doesn't feel like that. It just feels like how it's supposed to be."

His Actions:

• Taking the cab to my apartment at 4 am when he was tripping because he was worried about me
• Breakfast in bed on numerous occasions
• Going with me to jail when I had to get fingerprinted (and then going to get sex toys afterward)
• Giving me his Barnes and Noble gift card so I could get the new Meg Cabot book
• Wanting to hang out with me every day
• Texting me all the time when we weren't together
• When he gave me his coworker's phone number because his phone was dying and he wanted me to be able to contact him at all times
• Sending numerous snapchats to his friends and family of us, to which his mom replied to the last one, "Looks like you're in love."

His Emotions:

• How pleased he was that I played viola for him
• The stunned look on his face when he saw me in lingerie
• The raw emotion I saw when he told me about how he told Ben about how he really liked me

For that one, he said their conversation went something like this:

Ray: So I hooked up with Veronica last night.

Ben: Wait... what?? Just be careful. She can get really clingy. That's what she does.

Ray: She can get as clingy as she wants. I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Ben: Wait... what????

Ray: Yeah, I realized how much I cared about her when she got busted. I was so worried that I took a cab at 4 am to her place to make sure that she was alright.

Ben: Wow, you must really like her. You wouldn't have even done that for me.

Ray: Yeah, I do.

And when he told me that last part, "Yeah, I do." He had this raw emotion. I could tell that he meant it to his very core. His emotion told me that he really liked me.

But then everything changed. (Actually, this happened right after his mom said it looked like we were in love. Could that have sparked it?) We had this huge fight. Ray started talking about what happens at the end of the summer, and that he was not going to change his mind about doing long-distance with me. He said it wasn't that I wasn't the right girl, but it wasn't the right time in his life. He wanted to date more people before settling down. He didn't want to be tied down at his last semester in college to somebody he couldn't even see except for on a computer screen.

Then, he proceeded to "take it back" (being That Person) and shut his phone off when I was upset and trying to talk to him, so that he could do acid. He chose drugs over me.

We then had a bigger fight. He seemed like he was angry with me because I had become emotionally attached to him (because he was That Person, and because I thought he had felt the same way) when we were supposed to be in a casual relationship. He said he regretted dating me; his feelings hadn't declined but his interest in the relationship had. He said he didn't want me to be hurt at the end of the summer by getting even more attached.

We both kind of wanted to break up but kind of didn't want to. Me, because he had chosen acid over me. Him, because I was emotionally attached and he apparently wasn't. So we stayed together. But he treated me like shit the rest of the time.

First, he invited me over one night and then decided he wanted to Robo-trip. I tried to tell him not to, because he had had me co-sign a contract with him to help him cut back on doing it. He accused me of controlling his life and that he didn't like that. He ended up not doing it because he didn't want me to leave, but he was unhappy with me and held it against me anyhow.

Then, he stopped giving me attention. He texted me a lot less than he had been. He would go for days without wanting to see me. He didn't care or do anything when I felt really sexy. When we had dinner with our friends, he barely talked to me and barely gave me any attention. When I told him that I was upset and felt neglected, he got up and tried to walk out of my apartment.

"I didn't sign up for this," he said. "There shouldn't be fights in casual relationships. These silly arguments are stupid."

Me: There are fights in any relationship. What matters is how the fights are resolved.

Ray: No, I asked all my friends, and they agree that there shouldn't be any fights in a casual relationship.

I thought that this was extremely disrespectful. Then he walked me to work, and literally right outside the door, he said he wanted to break up and wanted to be single for the rest of the summer.

What a horribly dick move. Then, to make it worse, he wanted to make me wait a full day for him to break up with me. He knows about my anxiety problems. In fact, he discovered that I had them. He figured out that I have anxiety about how other people treat me, because I have been so mistreated by people in the past who were supposed to have cared about me. And yet here he was, creating this anxiety of making me wait a full day to break up, and he didn't care. When I insisted on talking that night after I got done with work, he said I was being unreasonable because the busses stop running and he would have to walk back. So he refused, and I broke up with him in a text.

"Fuck you. Don't bother coming tomorrow, it's over," I said.

So Ray had gone from sweet, loving, caring boyfriend, to uber-dick boyfriend who disrespected other people's time.

We weren't friends for about a week. In that time, I realized that the reason I had been so angry with him was because he had been That Person, and then taken it back.

We met up and I told him about this. He said he had never meant to hurt me like that, that he was really sorry, and he could still be that person even after I went to grad school.

Cue the start of the abuse cycle.

In the time that we were friends, he was good on his word. That was when he came over because I had the stress migraine, was incredibly sweet, and held me in his arms all night to comfort me.

He promised me that he would never lie to me or intentionally mislead me. He pinky-promised me that unless I did something really stupid, he would never "take it back" again. (Well I didn't do anything "really stupid," but he still took it back again).

Then, after I moved away, we got into a huge fight. I texted him and told him that I missed him, that I wished he could be here with me (I was under the impression that he still had feelings for me). Then he told me that I was too attached to him and needed to get over it. That's when I found out that he never had an emotional connection with me, and that all the kissing, hand holding, and cuddling in public those last few days I was in town didn't mean anything to him.

We finished arguing. He had asked me if I thought we could be friends if we both made an effort to not assume things and to see each other's points of view. I said yes, but asked if could he do that. He assured me he could. Then he had to go to the gym with Ben. He told me I could text him later, which I did. I asked if he could call me when he was done so we could finish talking.

Ray: I thought we had finished talking.

Me: Well I'm still hurt and upset, I'm not sure if we can be friends, and there's a lot you would have to do if we're going to be friends.

Ray: K let's not be friends

I promptly called him, and he ignored my phone call.

Me: Wtf, you can't just say something like that in a text.

Ray: I'm playing Xbox.

Me: So an xbox is more important than me??

Ray: No I'm just sick of fighting in circles.

Me: I'm not trying to fight in circles, I'm trying to move forward!

When he didn't respond, I said "You have just hurt me in the worst way possible. Never contact me ever again."

It took him a few days to respond, but then he was like "Wow I thought we had finished talking."

Me: First you told me that you would make an effort not to assume things. Then you went and assumed I wanted to fight with you. Then you "took it back" again when you said an xbox was more important than me. So fuck you, I don't deserve that. You should be checked for bipolar disorder.

At the time, bipolar disorder was the only thing I could think of to explain his bipolar actions. I just don't understand how he can be both people. On the one hand, I had his actions, words, and emotions all telling me that he had fallen for me and really cared about me. But then on the other hand, I had him taking back what he promised me, picking drugs over me, neglecting me, and generally being a dick, which meant that he really did not care about me. Unless he lied to me, or was confused himself about how he felt about me, there's only a few reasons that could explain his behavior (but I'll get to that).

What concerns me the most is if he somehow fooled my emotion-reading ability. I'm very intuitive when it comes to reading other people's emotions. I know what I saw in Ray, and that was that he truly, deeply, liked me. To have him then say that he had no emotional connection to me... it really threw me off. I could have been wrong, but since his actions and words both supported the emotion I saw, I really don't think so.

Anyway, I tried to cut him out of my life. But that obviously failed.

Definitions

The Ray Thing, the way I understand it (which isn't really saying much to be honest) deals with differences in definitions. What is a friend? What is a friend with benefits? What is a significant other?

Everyone has their own definition about these things. I think, in general, guys have different definitions than girls for these things. Ray, however, was the first person I've ever been with that has such drastically different definitions than me.

In my opinion, a friend is someone you have no desire to be with physically; a good friend would be one that you have a deep emotional connection with. A friend with benefits is someone who you want to be with physically, but do not want to date. Usually this means that the fwb is not a GOOD friend. Or if the fwb is a good friend, there is some problem that you can foresee as to why you would be a bad couple with this person. The significant other, then, is a good friend that you want to be with physically, and there are no problems you can foresee as to why you would be a bad couple. A casual significant other would happen when there is some reason the relationship can't grow naturally (for instance long distance or the threat of long distance).

Now, I can never be sure what the fuck Ray is thinking. That's 80% of my problem. But here's my guess as to how he defines these terms:

A friend is someone you get along with; a good friend is someone you have a deep emotional connection with. It's ok to show good friends affection, such as kissing, hugging, and putting your arm around them in public. Sex is also ok. A friends with benefits is a friend that you want to be with physically, but do not want to date. A significant other is someone that you want to commit to, because you would be jealous if they were with other people. You would have an even deeper emotional connection than with a good friend, unless you want a casual relationship with this person.

As you can see, my definitions and the definitions I think Ray would have are extremely different. We got into all sorts of problems because of it. Before I get into that, I need to tell you about Ray's and my background.

It's really a soap opera, actually. Last Spring, when I was having the problems with my wrist, I was friends with benefits with this guy Ben. Ben is Ray's best friend. Meanwhile, Ray was dating Mara, my then-best friend. Ray and I were friends, but really we would only hang out to give each other advice on Ben and Mara, respectively. After a few months, Ben and I "broke up," because he was being a dick. Ray and Mara broke up because they were completely different people and it wasn't working out.

Mara told me that Ray was the completely wrong person for her, and she regretted meeting him. But she took a long time getting over him because he was her first boyfriend. "Veronica, let me tell you," she was saying. "If you ever do anything with Ray, I will never be your friend ever again."

I told her she had nothing to worry about (oops). But at the time, Ray was the last person I thought I would fall for. He was short for a guy, average build, and with a fondness for beards-- not at all my type of guy looks-wise. (As an aside, I once declined a hookup because the guy had a beard). He wasn't my type personality-wise either, with a penchant for drugs and being a physics major, and all. Or so I thought.

Anyway, of course a week or two after she said that, Ray and I hooked up. We had met up for drinks, and had been hanging out more than we had before because we both didn't know that many people up there for the summer. Now, there was no Ben in my life, and no Mara in his life. So it was just about us.

Ray: *looks at the time* So Veronica. Should I go and catch the last bus of the night back to my apartment? Or do you want to go to your place and watch Star Wars?

I told him about what Mara had said. I was sorely tempted (Star Wars!!!) but decided to try to be a good person.

Me: You should go and catch your bus. I don't want to feel like a bitch.

Then Ray ran to catch it, but he missed it. I told him that if he had to catch a taxi anyway, we might as well watch Star Wars first. Of course, one thing led to another and we hooked up.

Fuck, I thought to myself. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Ray and I decided to hang out more to see what that was all about (it had sort of come from left field). In doing so, we discovered that we actually had a lot in common, and that we were really similar people.

Not long after, I got into some serious trouble with the police. It might sound badass, but I'm actually a good girl. Honestly, this happened to me because I'm too fucking nice...

Anyway, Ray was so worried about me that he took a taxi to my apartment at 4 am, even though his stomach hurt because he had been Robo-tripping. This was when he became That Person for me.

After that night, Ray realized he actually had feelings for me, and said he had gotten emotionally attached. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I felt the same way, so we started dating.

But it wasn't an actual relationship, it was a "casual" relationship. For me, it was casual because at the end of the summer I was going off to grad school in a completely different part of the country. I told him this. For him, it was casual because he knew he didn't have enough of an emotional connection to me for it to work as an actual relationship. It was apparently implied that he thought this about me, and I apparently should have been able to read his mind and know that.

What I gather is that in his mind, when he said he became emotionally attached, he meant that he realized that he really cared for me. So even though he knew that he could never have a deep enough emotional attachment to me as in a "real" relationship, he really cared about me and didn't want me fucking other guys. I guess he confused "good friend" with "casual significant other" according to his definitions.

For me, I confused "good friend with benefits" with "casual significant other" according to my definitions. It's hard to see where the line is, exactly, between the two. There are three problems that would prevent me and Ray from being together: 1) his drug and alcohol problem, 2) the fact that he doesn't have a deep enough emotional connection to me, and 3) the fact that he was emotionally abusive and I don't know what he really thinks about me or if he actually cares about me. I knew about the first one going into the relationship, but I figured it would be ok because we would only be together for the summer. I thought I could deal with the drugs for that amount of time. The other two, I only found out later.

The second time our differences in definition confused me was right before I left for grad school. Ray and I were broken up at this point and trying to be good friends. Ray promised he would still be That Person for me, and he was good on his word. I had a stress induced migraine one night, and he was worried about me, so he came over to comfort me that night even though his good friend Jo was visiting for the weekend. He told me that I could dig into his hand and he would share the pain, because he hated to see me suffer.

(That is the sweetest thing that anybody has ever said/done for me).

Anyway, the next morning, he wanted to have sex with me. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. But the damage was already done. I started to think of him romantically again, and my feelings started to return.

Then, he came over a few nights later. He was super drunk (he told me later he had had 22 shots) and puking in my bathroom. I took care of him and sent him home in a taxi.

The next day, he started acting like we were in a relationship again. Texting me all the time, calling me "babe," saying he missed me while he was at work. Since I didn't know about his lack of an emotional connection, I thought he still had feelings for me. I felt the same, and I proceeded to fuck his brains out  that night. And the following morning. Which is, to date, the best sex I've ever had. God, was that wild.

That was the day before I left town. That night, he stayed over with me again. He got this chemical from work to help me clean my burners, which were nasty because I had never cleaned them in the 2 years I had lived in that apartment. He stayed with me the whole time, helping my mom and I finish cleaning. He was holding my hand, kissing me, and putting his arm around me in public. More proof that he still had feelings for me (so I thought).

Anyway, we got into a fight about a week later. I found out about the lack of emotional connection. He said he only wanted to be friends, said that affection is nice and he had "thought I had understood."

Stupid differences in definitions...

Why Therapy Sucks

Let me tell you, therapy sucks. Ok, don't get me wrong-- I'm sure some people find it to be really helpful. But for me, I barely got anything out of it. And I hated it. Here's why:

1. They assume that you are about to commit suicide. And then they proceed to treat you like that until you prove to them that you aren't about to jump off of a bridge.

Seriously. This happened right from the start. I called them to make an appointment. The receptionist was explaining some really complicated thing about how you have to come in and fill out paperwork on a computer and then make an appointment to make an appointment with someone.

Me: Um... ok.

Receptionist: Alright? Is that going to be ok?

Um... lady you can treat me like a normal person. Normal people aren't overly fake concerned.

Receptionist: Unless you feel like you need to be seen today?

"Feel like you need to be seen today??" Wtf. Wow. Way to make me feel like I'm some mentally unstable crazy person.

Then when I went in there to fill out the paperwork, the receptionist was trying to figure out if I had been the one to talk to her on the phone. Wtf. Nosy bitch.

Also, someone else treated me like I had a "handle with caution" sign taped to my forehead. My therapist was a student, so someone else came to observe our session. My therapist introduced me to this person before the session. The observer didn't say anything at first, and waited a few minutes before sticking out her hand:

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, nice to meet you!" The observer said, in her "I'm talking to a toddler/mentally insane person" voice, with a fake smile plastered onto her face.

Um, no thank you.

2. They also assume that you have an eating disorder, that you abuse drugs, and that you have a drinking problem, until you prove them otherwise.

3. They try to make you go to group sessions where you have to talk about your problems with complete strangers.

Yeah... no thanks. I already have enough trouble trying to talk about stuff with people I know sometimes. I'm not about to tell complete strangers about how I'm in love with my abusive ex-boyfriend, how all I can think about is how I want to fuck his brains out, how I still want him in my life after everything he did, and how I don't understand what he thought about me or about our relationship at all. No. Fucking. Way.

They wanted to have me go to a group session every week and only meet one-on-one with the therapist every third week. What the fuck?

4. Then they make you discuss with them why you don't want to do group sessions, instead of discussing what you actually came there to discuss.

5. Once you actually start talking about the stuff you want to talk about, the session is entirely you talking about your problems. The therapist isn't allowed to offer any sort of advice or opinion.

Well that's stupid. What I wanted was answers. Answers to my questions, and advice on how to move forward.

Anyway, this didn't last long. I ended up having an epiphany, which changed my outlook on life completely. But I'll get to that. Obviously therapy wasn't the way to go for me, so instead I need to focus on talking to my friends, cheering myself up, and moving on.

"That Person"

Last night my friend John came over to my apartment to watch Pride and Prejudice with me. He knew I was feeling down about the Ray Thing (I'll get to that) so to cheer me up he decided to keep me company as I watched a girly movie.

After the movie, we got on the topic of the Ray Thing. John has been trying to help me through this breakup. What he didn't understand, though, was why I cared that much.

"From what you've told me, I'm telling you right now that he was not a good guy," John was saying. "It was an abusive relationship. He did so many bad things to you. Why are you putting him up on this pedestal?"

"Because he was 'That Person,'" I responded. The answer, though simple enough, is really hard to explain. For some reason, when I talk about Ray being "That Person," it's hard for people to understand what, exactly, I actually mean.

What I mean is this: somebody who will drop everything to be there for me emotionally. My whole life-- all 23 years of it-- I have wanted somebody to do this. But nobody ever did, until Ray. Sure, I have some great friends. I have friends who will be there for me emotionally. However, for some reason, most people will not drop everything to be there for other people emotionally.

For instance, John was talking about how if he had a paper due tomorrow, and I told him I needed him to be there for me emotionally, he wouldn't do it. He explained that he wouldn't drop everything to help me, because if he did that, he would fail his paper, flunk his course, and then flunk out of grad school. So he wouldn't do it.

However, he said that if I fell and cracked my head open, he WOULD drop everything and drive me to the hospital. He says he would do this because it would be a matter of life or death. If my life were on the line, he would drop everything to try to help.

I feel like most people agree with this opinion. I, on the other hand, don't agree. I think that on the whole, society is far more concerned with physical pain than emotional pain. From a young age, we are taught that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Well, speaking from experience, words actually hurt worse. Recovering from emotional pain is, in my opinion, far more difficult than recovering from physical pain.

Take this example from last Spring. I was performing professionally in the Williamsport Symphony Orchestra, when my wrist got fucked up. It hurt really badly after one of the rehearsals, and did not get better. I had it examined, and was told that it was sprained. I had sprained my wrist from playing the viola, apparently.

Anyway, that one thing changed everything for me that semester. I had to drop orchestra and viola lessons, and was therefore not able to perform in the Bernstein Mass (a huge collaboration with the entire Schools of Music, Dance, and Theater) and was not recognized in the final concert of the year (as Maestro always does for graduating orchestra members). Then as a result of that, I was no longer a full-time student and was terminated from my job (my job that I had worked at for 5 years and loved).

But the worst part was not being able to play viola. I may have gone into a different field for grad school, but music is, and always will be, my entire soul. It hurt so badly that for 3 months, I was unable to do the thing I loved most in the world.

As this all happened, I was in a terrible place emotionally. I had experienced terrible emotional pain before, but it was nothing like this. I really needed love and support from all my friends.

However, they were hardly obliging. They refused to be there for me, saying that they were too busy with schoolwork, or clubs, or whatever. Even when I explained to them that I was in a really bad place emotionally and I needed help, it barely changed anything. My best friend at the time, Mara, was the only one who then made any sort of effort to be there for me. But I felt like she wasn't doing it because she wanted to, she was doing it because she felt like she had to, as my best friend, because I was telling her to.

To me, what had just happened to me was the emotional equivalent of cracking my head open. And nobody cared enough to drive me to the hospital.


When I told John all this, he said that it was unreasonable for me to expect that anybody would drop everything to be there for me emotionally, because it was not a matter of life and death.

"Maybe it is unreasonable," I said. "But I found somebody who did that for me. And that person was Ray. And that's why this is so hard."

Plus, I try to be "That Person" myself. If I really care about someone, I will drop everything to be there for them if they need me emotionally. It doesn't matter how busy I am. If they really matter to me, I will do that for them. Because I think that that's what you should do.

Mission Statement

I don't know about you all, but other people confuse the shit out of me. One minute they're nice and helpful, and the next they go and punch you in the face. Or spit in your tea. Or throw you under the bus.

Existing in such a world is beyond confusing. My goal with this blog is to try to cut through all the bullshit and figure out what the fuck people are actually thinking. Why they act the way they act. Why their emotions can change at the drop of a hat. Any insight you readers can provide is more than welcome.

Disclaimer: all names will be changed for privacy purposes.