Nighttime Blues

I don’t know why, but nighttime is always when I feel the worst. I feel a lot lonelier at night. Also, I think about mistakes I made in the past. I cringe at embarrassing memories. I have nightmares. Nighttime is when the pain has time to sink in, because usually I’m so busy during the rest of the day that I don’t have time to feel it, let alone acknowledge it.

Right now, the pain I’m feeling is this: the person I love, who used to care about me a great deal, doesn’t even care about me anymore. He could care less. If I died tomorrow, he wouldn’t bat an eyelash. Do you know how horrible that feels? It feels like someone is cutting into my heart with a sharp piece of glass. It feels like someone is feeding my soul with ice. It feels like both of those things at the same time. And Ray doesn’t even care or notice. Now, he’s just somebody that I used to know.

Lawrence asked me if I have really low self-worth or something. Why else would I want Ray back even after every shitty thing he did to me?

I don’t have an answer to that question. I do have self-worth, so that’s not it.

Then Becca asked me why I felt like I needed to be with someone. As in, why do I go out of my way to try to find eligible guys to try to date. She says that she lets the guys come to her. Becca spends her time being herself, and that’s it. She goes about her business and focuses on her hobbies, and then guys find her while she does those things.

I really like her philosophy, but I’m not sure how I can convert into that way of thinking. I don’t fully understand why I feel like I need to be with someone.

Maybe I’m just impatient. I haven’t actually had that many boyfriends, and I’ve been on an even fewer number of dates. It’s because I’ve been around the wrong sorts of guys (college has become one of the worst places to meet guys). I’m tired of guys who are bad in bed. I’m tired of guys who aren’t serious. I’m looking for something real. Something genuine. Something exciting.

I’m not gonna lie, a large part of the problem is physical. Sex Withdrawal is one of the more unpleasant things I’ve experienced in life. Now it’s at the point where I get the urge to fuck a guy, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t go and hook up with some random guy because more likely than not the sex would suck and I would start bleeding (long story). I’m not good enough at “giving myself a hand” for it to actually be satisfying. So it’s just suffering until the next boyfriend, basically.

There is an emotional part to it, too. This is the part I’m not sure about. All I know is, I feel like in order for me to be the happiest I can imagine, I would need to have a happy love life. Like I said, I do have self worth; there’s already a lot that I do to make myself happy. But no matter how happy I make myself, I’m always going to be happier if I have close relationships with other people. Close friends. A boyfriend. I don’t believe that the happiness from other people should take the place of the happiness I create for myself, but instead I believe that both types of happiness are necessary for me to be the happiest Veronica I can imagine. So I don’t understand how I’m not supposed to go seeking that type of happiness, because if I didn't, then I wouldn't be trying to be the happiest Veronica I can imagine. I guess I’ll have to talk to Becca about it more the next time I see her.