Disinterest

I'm feeling a little bit disinterested in my life at the moment. This isn't a good sign. I know that depressed people have lost interest in their lives; that's how I know that while I've been mildly depressed before, I've never had a depression problem.

Last night, I went out on a sort-of date. Lawrence was trying to set me up with his chemical engineering friend, Evan, so we all went out to dinner and then hung out afterwards in the coffee shop and the bar. I remember that yesterday, I was only mildly interested in the date beforehand. I had a great time while I was there-- Evan was really nice, we seemed to have similar humor, and he was also very interested in musicals and books. We played a game of Scrabble at the coffee shop, and the game quickly turned dirty-- words like "boners," "cult," "grower"... you get the idea. Then at the bar we played a few games of pool, and Evan and I played on the same team and were sharing a cue stick (aww). The thing is, Evan didn't ask me that many questions about myself, and he didn't ask for my phone number at the end of the night. Based on that, I don't think he liked me enough to go on an actual date with me.

I should be more unhappy about this I think. Maybe I'm not unhappy about it because I wasn't all that excited about it to begin with, so I wasn't expecting a lot to come out of it. I don't know. At least I have a good attitude about it, because I feel like if something happens, then great, but if something doesn't, than it's ok, because at least I got a fun night out of it.

But also, I'm feeling the same sort of disinterest right before my conference in Las Vegas. Like meeting Evan, I was really excited about it when the plans first fell into place. But now, the day before I leave, I'm just disinterested. I have no idea why. Maybe I'm stressed out because I have so much schoolwork to catch up on. But geothermal energy is my career. I should be extremely excited about it. I really like it, honestly.

But I don't like it nearly as much as I like music. I was forced to give up on my dream of being a musician. My old viola teacher told me that I'm not good enough to make it in the field. I saw this firsthand when this amazing grad student violist at my school made the auditioning rounds and never got a job. Zee has been playing viola her whole life, and has been in conservatories since she was 9 years old. And yet, she could never make it past the final round of auditions. So if Zee couldn't get a job, and I know how amazing of a player she is, then what chance did I have? I knew that my teacher was right.

Even if I didn't have that problem of not being good enough, I have the problem of my body. My body can't handle the stress of playing viola so much. When I played every day, I could only play for an hour or an hour and a half at most. The long orchestra rehearsals were particularly taxing on my body. This is why my wrist got sprained during the Williamsport rehearsal. Pair a long car ride (an hour and a half) with not being able to warm up before the rehearsal (because we only got there 15 minutes or so before the rehearsal started, and it takes me half an hour to warm up) and a 3-hour rehearsal... it's no wonder that my wrist buckled.

So now I'm in the position where I can't do the thing that I love the most as a career. Even though I'm disinterested in men and in the geothermal conference, I still am very much interested in music. I'm so happy that I can still play in the GGFSO concert next weekend. I went to the first rehearsal on Thursday night, and I was so happy to be around other musicians, and so happy to be playing music again, that I didn't care that my back hurt terribly afterward.


I don't know, maybe this disinterest is because I'm still upset about the Ray situation. I'm still upset that he doesn't care about me anymore. I still feel the pain. I just have to keep reminding myself that the Ray that I love is gone. All that's left is someone who doesn't care about me anymore and who thinks I'm immature. Someone who didn't even try to understand my point of view because it took too much effort. I know that I'm better off without him, but it still hurts really bad.