"That Person"

Last night my friend John came over to my apartment to watch Pride and Prejudice with me. He knew I was feeling down about the Ray Thing (I'll get to that) so to cheer me up he decided to keep me company as I watched a girly movie.

After the movie, we got on the topic of the Ray Thing. John has been trying to help me through this breakup. What he didn't understand, though, was why I cared that much.

"From what you've told me, I'm telling you right now that he was not a good guy," John was saying. "It was an abusive relationship. He did so many bad things to you. Why are you putting him up on this pedestal?"

"Because he was 'That Person,'" I responded. The answer, though simple enough, is really hard to explain. For some reason, when I talk about Ray being "That Person," it's hard for people to understand what, exactly, I actually mean.

What I mean is this: somebody who will drop everything to be there for me emotionally. My whole life-- all 23 years of it-- I have wanted somebody to do this. But nobody ever did, until Ray. Sure, I have some great friends. I have friends who will be there for me emotionally. However, for some reason, most people will not drop everything to be there for other people emotionally.

For instance, John was talking about how if he had a paper due tomorrow, and I told him I needed him to be there for me emotionally, he wouldn't do it. He explained that he wouldn't drop everything to help me, because if he did that, he would fail his paper, flunk his course, and then flunk out of grad school. So he wouldn't do it.

However, he said that if I fell and cracked my head open, he WOULD drop everything and drive me to the hospital. He says he would do this because it would be a matter of life or death. If my life were on the line, he would drop everything to try to help.

I feel like most people agree with this opinion. I, on the other hand, don't agree. I think that on the whole, society is far more concerned with physical pain than emotional pain. From a young age, we are taught that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Well, speaking from experience, words actually hurt worse. Recovering from emotional pain is, in my opinion, far more difficult than recovering from physical pain.

Take this example from last Spring. I was performing professionally in the Williamsport Symphony Orchestra, when my wrist got fucked up. It hurt really badly after one of the rehearsals, and did not get better. I had it examined, and was told that it was sprained. I had sprained my wrist from playing the viola, apparently.

Anyway, that one thing changed everything for me that semester. I had to drop orchestra and viola lessons, and was therefore not able to perform in the Bernstein Mass (a huge collaboration with the entire Schools of Music, Dance, and Theater) and was not recognized in the final concert of the year (as Maestro always does for graduating orchestra members). Then as a result of that, I was no longer a full-time student and was terminated from my job (my job that I had worked at for 5 years and loved).

But the worst part was not being able to play viola. I may have gone into a different field for grad school, but music is, and always will be, my entire soul. It hurt so badly that for 3 months, I was unable to do the thing I loved most in the world.

As this all happened, I was in a terrible place emotionally. I had experienced terrible emotional pain before, but it was nothing like this. I really needed love and support from all my friends.

However, they were hardly obliging. They refused to be there for me, saying that they were too busy with schoolwork, or clubs, or whatever. Even when I explained to them that I was in a really bad place emotionally and I needed help, it barely changed anything. My best friend at the time, Mara, was the only one who then made any sort of effort to be there for me. But I felt like she wasn't doing it because she wanted to, she was doing it because she felt like she had to, as my best friend, because I was telling her to.

To me, what had just happened to me was the emotional equivalent of cracking my head open. And nobody cared enough to drive me to the hospital.


When I told John all this, he said that it was unreasonable for me to expect that anybody would drop everything to be there for me emotionally, because it was not a matter of life and death.

"Maybe it is unreasonable," I said. "But I found somebody who did that for me. And that person was Ray. And that's why this is so hard."

Plus, I try to be "That Person" myself. If I really care about someone, I will drop everything to be there for them if they need me emotionally. It doesn't matter how busy I am. If they really matter to me, I will do that for them. Because I think that that's what you should do.