In that two week time period, I thought that Ray had really fallen for me. I knew this because of his actions, his words, and his expression.
His Words:
- When I said I was lucky to have him, he said "No, I'm the lucky one."
- Saying I'm a great viola player
- Saying I have the "voice of an angel" and wanting me to sing for the music he makes with his friend Ted
- He said he would always be there for me, and would never hurt me/abandon me like other people had
- Saying that we had something special
- Saying that he wished we had met earlier and had more time together
- Telling me that the most attractive quality I had was that I was smart
- Saying that he wanted to protect me and keep me safe
- Telling me that he wanted to vacation with me in Florida so I could meet his mom
- Telling me he wanted to move in with me at the end of the summer while he was in between apartment leases
- Endless compliments about my body
- Telling me that "nice girls finish last and nice guys finish last. we can finish last together."
- "We've been together a week now, but it doesn't feel like that. It just feels like how it's supposed to be."
His Actions:
- Taking the cab to my apartment at 4 am when he was tripping because he was worried about me
- Breakfast in bed on numerous occasions
- Going with me to jail when I had to get fingerprinted (and then going to get sex toys afterward)
- Giving me his Barnes and Noble gift card so I could get the new Meg Cabot book
- Wanting to hang out with me every day
- Texting me all the time when we weren't together
- When he gave me his coworker's phone number because his phone was dying and he wanted me to be able to contact him at all times
- Sending numerous snapchats to his friends and family of us, to which his mom replied to the last one, "Looks like you're in love."
His Emotions:
- How pleased he was that I played viola for him
- The stunned look on his face when he saw me in lingerie
- The raw emotion I saw when he told me about how he told Ben about how he really liked me
For that one, he said their conversation went something like this:
Ray: So I hooked up with Veronica last night.
Ben: Wait... what?? Just be careful. She can get really clingy. That's what she does.
Ray: She can get as clingy as she wants. I asked her to be my girlfriend.
Ben: Wait... what????
Ray: Yeah, I realized how much I cared about her when she got busted. I was so worried that I took a cab at 4 am to her place to make sure that she was alright.
Ben: Wow, you must really like her. You wouldn't have even done that for me.
Ray: Yeah, I do.
And when he told me that last part, "Yeah, I do." He had this raw emotion. I could tell that he meant it to his very core. His emotion told me that he really liked me.
But then everything changed. (Actually, this happened right after his mom said it looked like we were in love. Could that have sparked it?) We had this huge fight. Ray started talking about what happens at the end of the summer, and that he was not going to change his mind about doing long-distance with me. He said it wasn't that I wasn't the right girl, but it wasn't the right time in his life. He wanted to date more people before settling down. He didn't want to be tied down at his last semester in college to somebody he couldn't even see except for on a computer screen.
Then, he proceeded to "take it back" (being That Person) and shut his phone off when I was upset and trying to talk to him, so that he could do acid. He chose drugs over me.
We then had a bigger fight. He seemed like he was angry with me because I had become emotionally attached to him (because he was That Person, and because I thought he had felt the same way) when we were supposed to be in a casual relationship. He said he regretted dating me; his feelings hadn't declined but his interest in the relationship had. He said he didn't want me to be hurt at the end of the summer by getting even more attached.
We both kind of wanted to break up but kind of didn't want to. Me, because he had chosen acid over me. Him, because I was emotionally attached and he apparently wasn't. So we stayed together. But he treated me like shit the rest of the time.
First, he invited me over one night and then decided he wanted to Robo-trip. I tried to tell him not to, because he had had me co-sign a contract with him to help him cut back on doing it. He accused me of controlling his life and that he didn't like that. He ended up not doing it because he didn't want me to leave, but he was unhappy with me and held it against me anyhow.
Then, he stopped giving me attention. He texted me a lot less than he had been. He would go for days without wanting to see me. He didn't care or do anything when I felt really sexy. When we had dinner with our friends, he barely talked to me and barely gave me any attention. When I told him that I was upset and felt neglected, he got up and tried to walk out of my apartment.
"I didn't sign up for this," he said. "There shouldn't be fights in casual relationships. These silly arguments are stupid."
Me: There are fights in any relationship. What matters is how the fights are resolved.
Ray: No, I asked all my friends, and they agree that there shouldn't be any fights in a casual relationship.
I thought that this was extremely disrespectful. Then he walked me to work, and literally right outside the door, he said he wanted to break up and wanted to be single for the rest of the summer.
What a horribly dick move. Then, to make it worse, he wanted to make me wait a full day for him to break up with me. He knows about my anxiety problems. In fact, he discovered that I had them. He figured out that I have anxiety about how other people treat me, because I have been so mistreated by people in the past who were supposed to have cared about me. And yet here he was, creating this anxiety of making me wait a full day to break up, and he didn't care. When I insisted on talking that night after I got done with work, he said I was being unreasonable because the busses stop running and he would have to walk back. So he refused, and I broke up with him in a text.
"Fuck you. Don't bother coming tomorrow, it's over," I said.
So Ray had gone from sweet, loving, caring boyfriend, to uber-dick boyfriend who disrespected other people's time.
We weren't friends for about a week. In that time, I realized that the reason I had been so angry with him was because he had been That Person, and then taken it back.
We met up and I told him about this. He said he had never meant to hurt me like that, that he was really sorry, and he could still be that person even after I went to grad school.
Cue the start of the abuse cycle.
In the time that we were friends, he was good on his word. That was when he came over because I had the stress migraine, was incredibly sweet, and held me in his arms all night to comfort me.
He promised me that he would never lie to me or intentionally mislead me. He pinky-promised me that unless I did something really stupid, he would never "take it back" again. (Well I didn't do anything "really stupid," but he still took it back again).
Then, after I moved away, we got into a huge fight. I texted him and told him that I missed him, that I wished he could be here with me (I was under the impression that he still had feelings for me). Then he told me that I was too attached to him and needed to get over it. That's when I found out that he never had an emotional connection with me, and that all the kissing, hand holding, and cuddling in public those last few days I was in town didn't mean anything to him.
We finished arguing. He had asked me if I thought we could be friends if we both made an effort to not assume things and to see each other's points of view. I said yes, but asked if could he do that. He assured me he could. Then he had to go to the gym with Ben. He told me I could text him later, which I did. I asked if he could call me when he was done so we could finish talking.
Ray: I thought we had finished talking.
Me: Well I'm still hurt and upset, I'm not sure if we can be friends, and there's a lot you would have to do if we're going to be friends.
Ray: K let's not be friends
I promptly called him, and he ignored my phone call.
Me: Wtf, you can't just say something like that in a text.
Ray: I'm playing Xbox.
Me: So an xbox is more important than me??
Ray: No I'm just sick of fighting in circles.
Me: I'm not trying to fight in circles, I'm trying to move forward!
When he didn't respond, I said "You have just hurt me in the worst way possible. Never contact me ever again."
It took him a few days to respond, but then he was like "Wow I thought we had finished talking."
Me: First you told me that you would make an effort not to assume things. Then you went and assumed I wanted to fight with you. Then you "took it back" again when you said an xbox was more important than me. So fuck you, I don't deserve that. You should be checked for bipolar disorder.
At the time, bipolar disorder was the only thing I could think of to explain his bipolar actions. I just don't understand how he can be both people. On the one hand, I had his actions, words, and emotions all telling me that he had fallen for me and really cared about me. But then on the other hand, I had him taking back what he promised me, picking drugs over me, neglecting me, and generally being a dick, which meant that he really did not care about me. Unless he lied to me, or was confused himself about how he felt about me, there's only a few reasons that could explain his behavior (but I'll get to that).
What concerns me the most is if he somehow fooled my emotion-reading ability. I'm very intuitive when it comes to reading other people's emotions. I know what I saw in Ray, and that was that he truly, deeply, liked me. To have him then say that he had no emotional connection to me... it really threw me off. I could have been wrong, but since his actions and words both supported the emotion I saw, I really don't think so.
Anyway, I tried to cut him out of my life. But that obviously failed.
No comments:
Post a Comment