Definitions

The Ray Thing, the way I understand it (which isn't really saying much to be honest) deals with differences in definitions. What is a friend? What is a friend with benefits? What is a significant other?

Everyone has their own definition about these things. I think, in general, guys have different definitions than girls for these things. Ray, however, was the first person I've ever been with that has such drastically different definitions than me.

In my opinion, a friend is someone you have no desire to be with physically; a good friend would be one that you have a deep emotional connection with. A friend with benefits is someone who you want to be with physically, but do not want to date. Usually this means that the fwb is not a GOOD friend. Or if the fwb is a good friend, there is some problem that you can foresee as to why you would be a bad couple with this person. The significant other, then, is a good friend that you want to be with physically, and there are no problems you can foresee as to why you would be a bad couple. A casual significant other would happen when there is some reason the relationship can't grow naturally (for instance long distance or the threat of long distance).

Now, I can never be sure what the fuck Ray is thinking. That's 80% of my problem. But here's my guess as to how he defines these terms:

A friend is someone you get along with; a good friend is someone you have a deep emotional connection with. It's ok to show good friends affection, such as kissing, hugging, and putting your arm around them in public. Sex is also ok. A friends with benefits is a friend that you want to be with physically, but do not want to date. A significant other is someone that you want to commit to, because you would be jealous if they were with other people. You would have an even deeper emotional connection than with a good friend, unless you want a casual relationship with this person.

As you can see, my definitions and the definitions I think Ray would have are extremely different. We got into all sorts of problems because of it. Before I get into that, I need to tell you about Ray's and my background.

It's really a soap opera, actually. Last Spring, when I was having the problems with my wrist, I was friends with benefits with this guy Ben. Ben is Ray's best friend. Meanwhile, Ray was dating Mara, my then-best friend. Ray and I were friends, but really we would only hang out to give each other advice on Ben and Mara, respectively. After a few months, Ben and I "broke up," because he was being a dick. Ray and Mara broke up because they were completely different people and it wasn't working out.

Mara told me that Ray was the completely wrong person for her, and she regretted meeting him. But she took a long time getting over him because he was her first boyfriend. "Veronica, let me tell you," she was saying. "If you ever do anything with Ray, I will never be your friend ever again."

I told her she had nothing to worry about (oops). But at the time, Ray was the last person I thought I would fall for. He was short for a guy, average build, and with a fondness for beards-- not at all my type of guy looks-wise. (As an aside, I once declined a hookup because the guy had a beard). He wasn't my type personality-wise either, with a penchant for drugs and being a physics major, and all. Or so I thought.

Anyway, of course a week or two after she said that, Ray and I hooked up. We had met up for drinks, and had been hanging out more than we had before because we both didn't know that many people up there for the summer. Now, there was no Ben in my life, and no Mara in his life. So it was just about us.

Ray: *looks at the time* So Veronica. Should I go and catch the last bus of the night back to my apartment? Or do you want to go to your place and watch Star Wars?

I told him about what Mara had said. I was sorely tempted (Star Wars!!!) but decided to try to be a good person.

Me: You should go and catch your bus. I don't want to feel like a bitch.

Then Ray ran to catch it, but he missed it. I told him that if he had to catch a taxi anyway, we might as well watch Star Wars first. Of course, one thing led to another and we hooked up.

Fuck, I thought to myself. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Ray and I decided to hang out more to see what that was all about (it had sort of come from left field). In doing so, we discovered that we actually had a lot in common, and that we were really similar people.

Not long after, I got into some serious trouble with the police. It might sound badass, but I'm actually a good girl. Honestly, this happened to me because I'm too fucking nice...

Anyway, Ray was so worried about me that he took a taxi to my apartment at 4 am, even though his stomach hurt because he had been Robo-tripping. This was when he became That Person for me.

After that night, Ray realized he actually had feelings for me, and said he had gotten emotionally attached. He asked me to be his girlfriend. I felt the same way, so we started dating.

But it wasn't an actual relationship, it was a "casual" relationship. For me, it was casual because at the end of the summer I was going off to grad school in a completely different part of the country. I told him this. For him, it was casual because he knew he didn't have enough of an emotional connection to me for it to work as an actual relationship. It was apparently implied that he thought this about me, and I apparently should have been able to read his mind and know that.

What I gather is that in his mind, when he said he became emotionally attached, he meant that he realized that he really cared for me. So even though he knew that he could never have a deep enough emotional attachment to me as in a "real" relationship, he really cared about me and didn't want me fucking other guys. I guess he confused "good friend" with "casual significant other" according to his definitions.

For me, I confused "good friend with benefits" with "casual significant other" according to my definitions. It's hard to see where the line is, exactly, between the two. There are three problems that would prevent me and Ray from being together: 1) his drug and alcohol problem, 2) the fact that he doesn't have a deep enough emotional connection to me, and 3) the fact that he was emotionally abusive and I don't know what he really thinks about me or if he actually cares about me. I knew about the first one going into the relationship, but I figured it would be ok because we would only be together for the summer. I thought I could deal with the drugs for that amount of time. The other two, I only found out later.

The second time our differences in definition confused me was right before I left for grad school. Ray and I were broken up at this point and trying to be good friends. Ray promised he would still be That Person for me, and he was good on his word. I had a stress induced migraine one night, and he was worried about me, so he came over to comfort me that night even though his good friend Jo was visiting for the weekend. He told me that I could dig into his hand and he would share the pain, because he hated to see me suffer.

(That is the sweetest thing that anybody has ever said/done for me).

Anyway, the next morning, he wanted to have sex with me. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. But the damage was already done. I started to think of him romantically again, and my feelings started to return.

Then, he came over a few nights later. He was super drunk (he told me later he had had 22 shots) and puking in my bathroom. I took care of him and sent him home in a taxi.

The next day, he started acting like we were in a relationship again. Texting me all the time, calling me "babe," saying he missed me while he was at work. Since I didn't know about his lack of an emotional connection, I thought he still had feelings for me. I felt the same, and I proceeded to fuck his brains out  that night. And the following morning. Which is, to date, the best sex I've ever had. God, was that wild.

That was the day before I left town. That night, he stayed over with me again. He got this chemical from work to help me clean my burners, which were nasty because I had never cleaned them in the 2 years I had lived in that apartment. He stayed with me the whole time, helping my mom and I finish cleaning. He was holding my hand, kissing me, and putting his arm around me in public. More proof that he still had feelings for me (so I thought).

Anyway, we got into a fight about a week later. I found out about the lack of emotional connection. He said he only wanted to be friends, said that affection is nice and he had "thought I had understood."

Stupid differences in definitions...