What I have learned is that when somebody acts beastly, you simply do not understand their point of view. That's it. The person is not evil. ("Good is a point of view, Anakin," said the Emperor.) A person can do evil things, like Anakin did, but that does not make that person evil. I truly, firmly, believe in this statement.
One of the things I realized a few weeks ago is that this situation applied to Ray. He had treated me very poorly. He had been beastly. But that just meant that I didn't understand his point of view. I have spent the last two months trying to understand his point of view, and I still don't understand it completely. However, I have come a long way in that regard.
Some of my friends have told me that I have an unhealthy obsession with Ray, and trying to understand him. Maybe that's true. One of my flaws is that it's hard for me to let go of situations, especially if I do not understand the truth about what happened. As for Ray, I do love the guy, so I'm trying my best to understand. But I don't think that it's a bad thing to try to understand somebody else, especially if that person is really important to you. In fact, it might be one of the best gifts that you can give them. Trying to understand them, I mean.
But I did make a mistake, and I am just starting to understand. My friend Lawrence helped me to realize this. He is really smart and really wise. The other day, when Ray responded to my happy birthday text, Lawrence had said that Ray had forgiven me. Lawrence told me that after talking to his older friend, he realized he had made a mistake in telling me that. What he should have told me, he said, was to ask Ray directly if he wanted to be friends.
"If you ask Ray directly," Lawrence was saying, "you will know the answer. And you can stop wasting emotional energy in wondering and contemplating."
I realized that Lawrence was completely right. I did follow his advice, but I'll get to that later. Anyway, Lawrence helped me realize that I had made a mistake when Ray and I were dating. He pointed out that when Ray asked me to be his girlfriend, we both had said we wanted a casual relationships. My mistake, then, was not telling him that my feelings became more serious, and not asking him if he felt more serious too. I had assumed that Ray felt more serious about me because his words, actions, and emotions seemed to point in that direction. But because Ray had started out saying he only wanted a casual relationship, I should have asked him if he was starting to feel more serious about me, instead of assuming that he did.
Honestly, this did not even occur to me at the time. I did not even think about asking Ray if he felt more serious, because I was convinced that he did. It would have saved me a lot of emotional energy if I had thought of asking him that.
And I do have to give Ray props, because he did that himself. Back when we were friends with benefits, he had that conversation with me. He said, "I know I said that I didn't want a relationship, but I'm starting to get attached. What do you think?"
So Ray understood something that I didn't. He understood that because he had started out saying he felt one way, it was his duty to tell me when he started feeling a different way.
I'm planning to keep this in mind for all my future relationships. I need to remember that words, actions, and emotions are great indicators about how somebody feels, but they are not absolute. The only way to understand how somebody else feels is to ask them. And even then, it's not certain that they will tell you the truth. They could lie to you because they are embarrassed about how they feel, or because they want to protect your feelings, or for some other reason. But the best we can do is hope that they tell us the truth.
But I did make a mistake, and I am just starting to understand. My friend Lawrence helped me to realize this. He is really smart and really wise. The other day, when Ray responded to my happy birthday text, Lawrence had said that Ray had forgiven me. Lawrence told me that after talking to his older friend, he realized he had made a mistake in telling me that. What he should have told me, he said, was to ask Ray directly if he wanted to be friends.
"If you ask Ray directly," Lawrence was saying, "you will know the answer. And you can stop wasting emotional energy in wondering and contemplating."
I realized that Lawrence was completely right. I did follow his advice, but I'll get to that later. Anyway, Lawrence helped me realize that I had made a mistake when Ray and I were dating. He pointed out that when Ray asked me to be his girlfriend, we both had said we wanted a casual relationships. My mistake, then, was not telling him that my feelings became more serious, and not asking him if he felt more serious too. I had assumed that Ray felt more serious about me because his words, actions, and emotions seemed to point in that direction. But because Ray had started out saying he only wanted a casual relationship, I should have asked him if he was starting to feel more serious about me, instead of assuming that he did.
Honestly, this did not even occur to me at the time. I did not even think about asking Ray if he felt more serious, because I was convinced that he did. It would have saved me a lot of emotional energy if I had thought of asking him that.
And I do have to give Ray props, because he did that himself. Back when we were friends with benefits, he had that conversation with me. He said, "I know I said that I didn't want a relationship, but I'm starting to get attached. What do you think?"
So Ray understood something that I didn't. He understood that because he had started out saying he felt one way, it was his duty to tell me when he started feeling a different way.
I'm planning to keep this in mind for all my future relationships. I need to remember that words, actions, and emotions are great indicators about how somebody feels, but they are not absolute. The only way to understand how somebody else feels is to ask them. And even then, it's not certain that they will tell you the truth. They could lie to you because they are embarrassed about how they feel, or because they want to protect your feelings, or for some other reason. But the best we can do is hope that they tell us the truth.
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