Well I actually had a good new year! I had gone with some of my friends to see Frozen, but we got there and the next two shows were sold out. We ended up hanging out at Starbucks and Panera for awhile instead, and then Chad invited us to hang out more at his house. I ended up staying out later than I had thought I would, which was nice, and I got to spend more time with him and Mia, which was nice because I only see them about once a year. Also, I started to learn how to play Mahjong, which was pretty fun.
Then I came home and lowered my stress levels by organizing stuff and doing laundry. Cameron called me after she got off work and we talked about boys.
I guess I still have a thing for T.J. It's just that our relationship ended, but it was not finished. It would have been different if he had had other reasons for breaking up than the long distance factor. And he might have had other reasons, but he only gave me the long distance as the reason. In his goodbye gift to me, he gave me a binder filled with all of his writing, which he said was the best gift he could think of to give. He included the story that we had started to write together, which didn't even end with a complete word (let alone a complete sentence). Our story was as unfinished as our relationship. He even made up a page filled with memories from our relationship, and he wrote, "You have no idea how much I fucking hate doing to you what I did."
But anyway, we just missed each other this whole time. I went back to our hometown to sleep over at Cameron's and then to go to the yankee swap. He came back on Christmas. Shortly afterward I went to NYC (where he normally lives), but he was still here. Chad lives very close to T.J., so I texted him that I was back in our hometown. He said "lol I just left. Back in NYC now."
Ugh. Oh well. If he and I are meant to get back together, it will happen. Apparently it's not supposed to happen right now, at least.
After talking to Cameron, I poured myself some schnaaps and made myself a snack, and popped in Aladdin.
It was awesome! I really like being by myself. I really like doing things myself. I really like doing what I want to do at the time I want to do it.
Therefore, my New Year's Resolution is to pay more attention to myself. To treat myself. To indulge myself. To be kind to myself.
I've tried being a nice person. I really have. I have spent my whole life trying to be nice to others. I've always been a pleaser. I've always held back my thoughts and opinions because I didn't want to upset people that I cared about or be rude to people.
Well, enough with that. I've tried it time and time again and it doesn't work one bit.
It's time for a change. I need to become better at voicing my thoughts and opinions. I need to trust my instincts more. I need to stop expecting everyone to treat me well; people need to prove to me that they treat me well, and even if they have proven it to me, it can change at any time.
Also I will lower my expectations for how each day will go. I will not look forward to things very much. That way if it ends up sucking, I won't be that disappointed. Instead, I will make sure to do things that I am happy doing, and entertain myself.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
My Own Best Friend
There's a song in the Chicago musical that is not in the movie, titled My Own Best Friend.
"And now, Miss Roxie Hart and Miss Velma Kelly sing a song
Of unrelenting determination and unmitigated ego
One thing I know
One thing I know
And I've always known
And I've always known
I am my own
I am my own
Best friend
Baby's alive
Baby's alive
But baby's alone
But baby's alone
And baby's her own
And baby's her own
Best friend
Many's the guy
Who told me he cares
But they were scratchin' my back
'Cause I was scratchin' theirs
And trusting to luck
And trusting to luck
That's only for fools
Only for fools
I play in a game
I play in a game
Where I make the rules
And rule number one
From here to the end
Is I am my own best friend'
Three musketeers
Who never say die
Are standing here this minute
Me
Me
Myself
Myself
And I
And I
If life is a school I'll pass every test
If life is a game I'll play it the best
'Cause I wont give in and I'll never bend
And I am my own best friend"
I think this is the best song of all. From now on, I will be my own best friend. I'm going to put myself first always. I'm going to spoil myself rotten because nobody else does. I'm going to spend a lot of quality time with me, myself, and I. We're going to have fun indulging in things that we like and that make us happy. We are going to spend money on each other when we truly deserve it.
I'm tired of being treated wrongly by everyone. Since nobody makes an effort to treat me well, I'll just treat myself well instead. Who needs anyone else?
"And now, Miss Roxie Hart and Miss Velma Kelly sing a song
Of unrelenting determination and unmitigated ego
One thing I know
One thing I know
And I've always known
And I've always known
I am my own
I am my own
Best friend
Baby's alive
Baby's alive
But baby's alone
But baby's alone
And baby's her own
And baby's her own
Best friend
Many's the guy
Who told me he cares
But they were scratchin' my back
'Cause I was scratchin' theirs
And trusting to luck
And trusting to luck
That's only for fools
Only for fools
I play in a game
I play in a game
Where I make the rules
And rule number one
From here to the end
Is I am my own best friend'
Three musketeers
Who never say die
Are standing here this minute
Me
Me
Myself
Myself
And I
And I
If life is a school I'll pass every test
If life is a game I'll play it the best
'Cause I wont give in and I'll never bend
And I am my own best friend"
I think this is the best song of all. From now on, I will be my own best friend. I'm going to put myself first always. I'm going to spoil myself rotten because nobody else does. I'm going to spend a lot of quality time with me, myself, and I. We're going to have fun indulging in things that we like and that make us happy. We are going to spend money on each other when we truly deserve it.
I'm tired of being treated wrongly by everyone. Since nobody makes an effort to treat me well, I'll just treat myself well instead. Who needs anyone else?
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Good Advice
Now this might be some of the best advice I've ever heard:
"Listen, if somebody ignores you, then forget them. They don't deserve to have your attention."
~Beau Smart, J.Lo's boyfriend
The Cosmo writer went on to say, "Chasing guys who ignore us. So many of us do that in our 20s."
Wow. I had never thought about it that way before. But it really is great advice. The people who care about you are not going to ignore you. If someone starts ignoring you, then it means that that person has stopped caring. It means that they are no longer worth your time. Simple as that.
"Listen, if somebody ignores you, then forget them. They don't deserve to have your attention."
~Beau Smart, J.Lo's boyfriend
The Cosmo writer went on to say, "Chasing guys who ignore us. So many of us do that in our 20s."
Wow. I had never thought about it that way before. But it really is great advice. The people who care about you are not going to ignore you. If someone starts ignoring you, then it means that that person has stopped caring. It means that they are no longer worth your time. Simple as that.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Late-Night Ramblings
Today we went over to my aunt's house for Christmas Eve dinner. It was funny because me and my two cousins were sprawled on the couches being like "Uggh we are so tired. Uggh we want caffeine. Uggh we want to sleep." While all the "adults" were getting drunk and were far livelier than us. Then my Mom was telling my aunts that she was "nice" and I was "naughty," according to this Santa hat she has that we took pictures with that was labeled nice on one side and naughty on the other. Then my aunt was like, "Actually I think it's the other way around... not that Veronica would ever tell."
Um what. I really hope that it's not true that my mother is naughtier than I am. That would just be wrong.
Then my mom's boyfriend made some comment that I didn't even hear, and my mom was all, "My daughter is of impressionable age. Don't make any comments like that." Then he was all, "No, I do not snort crack... *shifty eyes*"
Um, WHAT?? First of all, I'm almost 24. I can handle grown-up conversation, thankyouverymuch. Second of all, I really hope he's joking and that he's not doing that shit. I'm the one who has bad enough judgment to date a drug addict. Look where that got me. Look at all of the pain that that caused me. I would hope that my Mom would have better judgement than me. She's SUPPOSED to have better judgement than me.
And then of course Elf was playing on tv... of course it reminded me of Mara. She made me see that movie for the first time last year. We saw it together when it played in the Student Union. So then I got all depressed because I was thinking about her and how much she loves Christmas. Ugh.
Plus my cousin got skinny as fuck. I'm so jealous. People in my family have the ability to drop like 40 lbs without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile I'm trying and it was easy at first, but now it's hard work.
It's working though again, the holiday and finals week weight is coming back off (fingers crossed I won't gain much in the next week or so). I've been kicking ass at the gym. I go there and I burn 600 calories in cardio. I have to up the cardio and the stretching, since I can't really do upper body right now. Fingers crossed I don't re-injure anything in the process. My hip adductor felt uncomfortable today during the workout..
I really hate this time of night. I really do. I don't know why, but during this time I start to feel bad about myself, think about all the mistakes I made, and think about all of my regrets. I feel all the pain that I try to block out during the day.
Good thing T.J. is online right now. He's encouraging me to write the book that I have a really good idea for.
But I don't get him anyway. I told him I was going to his neck of the woods in a few days, and he didn't express any interest in seeing me while I'm there. Whatever.
Um what. I really hope that it's not true that my mother is naughtier than I am. That would just be wrong.
Then my mom's boyfriend made some comment that I didn't even hear, and my mom was all, "My daughter is of impressionable age. Don't make any comments like that." Then he was all, "No, I do not snort crack... *shifty eyes*"
Um, WHAT?? First of all, I'm almost 24. I can handle grown-up conversation, thankyouverymuch. Second of all, I really hope he's joking and that he's not doing that shit. I'm the one who has bad enough judgment to date a drug addict. Look where that got me. Look at all of the pain that that caused me. I would hope that my Mom would have better judgement than me. She's SUPPOSED to have better judgement than me.
And then of course Elf was playing on tv... of course it reminded me of Mara. She made me see that movie for the first time last year. We saw it together when it played in the Student Union. So then I got all depressed because I was thinking about her and how much she loves Christmas. Ugh.
Plus my cousin got skinny as fuck. I'm so jealous. People in my family have the ability to drop like 40 lbs without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile I'm trying and it was easy at first, but now it's hard work.
It's working though again, the holiday and finals week weight is coming back off (fingers crossed I won't gain much in the next week or so). I've been kicking ass at the gym. I go there and I burn 600 calories in cardio. I have to up the cardio and the stretching, since I can't really do upper body right now. Fingers crossed I don't re-injure anything in the process. My hip adductor felt uncomfortable today during the workout..
I really hate this time of night. I really do. I don't know why, but during this time I start to feel bad about myself, think about all the mistakes I made, and think about all of my regrets. I feel all the pain that I try to block out during the day.
Good thing T.J. is online right now. He's encouraging me to write the book that I have a really good idea for.
But I don't get him anyway. I told him I was going to his neck of the woods in a few days, and he didn't express any interest in seeing me while I'm there. Whatever.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Pain, Pain, Go Away
That moment where you feel bad for The Duke in Moulin Rouge: when he realizes that Satine fooled him into thinking that she loved him.
Yeah. I know that feeling well.
I wish the pain would just go away. Disappear.
It doesn't seem like it's going to go away for a long time. Probably this is comparable to Elle. Elle was my best friend in sixth grade. I loved her and deeply valued her friendship. In seventh grade, this nasty bitch Mel invaded my group of friends and made them all hate me. Not only did she make them all hate me, but she made them pretend to like me when really they hated me behind my back. I will never forget the pain I felt when I found out that Elle actually hated me, and had been fooling me for some time into thinking that she was my best friend.
It took me years to get over that pain. If I remember correctly, I was so upset that I cried about it every day for a full year. I became very depressed.
I just think it's cruel that I've experienced this horrible kind of pain so many times. How many times can a heart mend itself up again after being so seriously injured?
Yeah. I know that feeling well.
I wish the pain would just go away. Disappear.
It doesn't seem like it's going to go away for a long time. Probably this is comparable to Elle. Elle was my best friend in sixth grade. I loved her and deeply valued her friendship. In seventh grade, this nasty bitch Mel invaded my group of friends and made them all hate me. Not only did she make them all hate me, but she made them pretend to like me when really they hated me behind my back. I will never forget the pain I felt when I found out that Elle actually hated me, and had been fooling me for some time into thinking that she was my best friend.
It took me years to get over that pain. If I remember correctly, I was so upset that I cried about it every day for a full year. I became very depressed.
I just think it's cruel that I've experienced this horrible kind of pain so many times. How many times can a heart mend itself up again after being so seriously injured?
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Old Friends
Last night I slept over at Cameron's house! We watched She's the Man and John Tucker Must Die. Epic lol. And it was fun to talk to her family too, especially her mom. I like how her family actually acts like a family, hanging out together, talking together, and laughing together. :)
Then we went to the yankee swap today, and I have to say that it was a lot more fun than I had expected it to be. I guess because Cameron and I had downplayed it, talking about how boring it was going to be. But I actually really did have a good time.
Part of that might be because Cameron found this old board we had made online way back when. We all had posted stuff on it and talked to each other on it. I had completely forgotten about it, but we went back and read some of the things that we had posted. I was actually reminded of why I was friends with all these people in the first place. We all wrote stories together and had a dysfunctional basement band together, and we actually cared about each other and were happy. Well, except for being all competitive over grades, GPAs, and orchestra seating.
But it was really nice to be reminded of why these people were in my life in the first place. Plus, I think the fact that we had thought we wouldn't have a good time at the swap, made it pleasantly surprising that we did.
Old friends... :)
Then we went to the yankee swap today, and I have to say that it was a lot more fun than I had expected it to be. I guess because Cameron and I had downplayed it, talking about how boring it was going to be. But I actually really did have a good time.
Part of that might be because Cameron found this old board we had made online way back when. We all had posted stuff on it and talked to each other on it. I had completely forgotten about it, but we went back and read some of the things that we had posted. I was actually reminded of why I was friends with all these people in the first place. We all wrote stories together and had a dysfunctional basement band together, and we actually cared about each other and were happy. Well, except for being all competitive over grades, GPAs, and orchestra seating.
But it was really nice to be reminded of why these people were in my life in the first place. Plus, I think the fact that we had thought we wouldn't have a good time at the swap, made it pleasantly surprising that we did.
Old friends... :)
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Confidence
One thing that Fred lacks is confidence. Guys often wonder why the "nice guys" are single, while the douches get all the girls.
Well first of all, if any guy describes himself as a "nice guy," it can mean he actually isn't. Like Ray. All I heard from Ray was, "I'm a nice guy. I'm not an asshole."
....Yeah. Sure. Nice straw man.
To be fair, I've done it myself. I used to describe myself as a "nice girl." Sure, I go out of my way to be kind and helpful to strangers (well, I used to anyway). Generally I am nice to people. However, I am capable of being quite a bitch. Most of the conversations I have with Laura and Cameron involve me showing my true colors and being my nasty old self. Examples:
Laura: I'll send that picture of a mailbox you sent me to Fred.
Me: If you do that, he'll be unhappy because I'm not there. So you should do it.
Or how about this:
Me: Mara deserves to suffer for what she did to me. She deserves to fail all her finals.
Or:
Me: "South Dakota will be a happening place before Eliza gets her license."
But Fred actually is a nice guy. He is the type of guy who is very gentlemanly-- holding open doors, paying for dinners, buying expensive gifts, offering rides, genuinely caring about peoples lives by talking to them all the time.
He is just not confident though. I feel like he does all that because he feels like he needs to do it in order to get people to like him. He's like some sort of sad puppy that looks up at you and is like "I really want you to be my friend. Please be my friend." And I don't want to because I hate dogs.
That is the downfall. Generally, the assholes tend to be confident. That's why girls are drawn to them.
Sure, girls appreciate the things that Fred does... when they return the feelings for the guy. It's just awkward that he's showering not only me, but also Becky, with this kind of attention. When neither one of us is romantically interested and he knows it. It makes me wonder, if he treats me and Becky the same when he claims to be interested in me, how would he treat a girlfriend different? He already treats us better than most boyfriends do. How would he step up his game for an actual girlfriend?
Anyway, it's just some food for thought. In the meantime, I'll stop referring to myself as a "nice girl." Because I'm not a nice girl. Nice girls don't wish that their enemies fail all their finals and they don't wish other people to suffer. Nice girls don't make fun of guys who are overly clingy and obsessive. Nice girls don't make fun of their good friend because her boyfriend told her she couldn't move in with him until after she got her drivers license, as well as the fact that she is not trying harder to get her license after having that conversation. Also, nice girls don't steal guys from their friends (guilty) and they don't knowingly become the Other Woman (also guilty).
Well, I do all those things. A lot of it comes from my independent/loner nature I suppose. Also, even though I think a lot of laws are stupid, I seem to have my own moral code of conduct. As in, anyone who is emotionally abusive deserves to suffer, and should be put in jail. It's probably one of the reasons I like Kill Bill so much-- she got to kill people who had deeply hurt her and betrayed her, and she got to get away with it. And probably the best part is that all of those people understood that they had it coming, that she would be seeking revenge for what they did to her, and that her revenge was even justified.
So now, I will refer to myself as a girl who knows what's up. A girl who has standards for the people in her life. A confident girl. An independent girl. A smart girl. A girl who will no longer chase people and force them to remain in her life. A girl who puts herself first always. That's all.
Well first of all, if any guy describes himself as a "nice guy," it can mean he actually isn't. Like Ray. All I heard from Ray was, "I'm a nice guy. I'm not an asshole."
....Yeah. Sure. Nice straw man.
To be fair, I've done it myself. I used to describe myself as a "nice girl." Sure, I go out of my way to be kind and helpful to strangers (well, I used to anyway). Generally I am nice to people. However, I am capable of being quite a bitch. Most of the conversations I have with Laura and Cameron involve me showing my true colors and being my nasty old self. Examples:
Laura: I'll send that picture of a mailbox you sent me to Fred.
Me: If you do that, he'll be unhappy because I'm not there. So you should do it.
Or how about this:
Me: Mara deserves to suffer for what she did to me. She deserves to fail all her finals.
Or:
Me: "South Dakota will be a happening place before Eliza gets her license."
But Fred actually is a nice guy. He is the type of guy who is very gentlemanly-- holding open doors, paying for dinners, buying expensive gifts, offering rides, genuinely caring about peoples lives by talking to them all the time.
He is just not confident though. I feel like he does all that because he feels like he needs to do it in order to get people to like him. He's like some sort of sad puppy that looks up at you and is like "I really want you to be my friend. Please be my friend." And I don't want to because I hate dogs.
That is the downfall. Generally, the assholes tend to be confident. That's why girls are drawn to them.
Sure, girls appreciate the things that Fred does... when they return the feelings for the guy. It's just awkward that he's showering not only me, but also Becky, with this kind of attention. When neither one of us is romantically interested and he knows it. It makes me wonder, if he treats me and Becky the same when he claims to be interested in me, how would he treat a girlfriend different? He already treats us better than most boyfriends do. How would he step up his game for an actual girlfriend?
Anyway, it's just some food for thought. In the meantime, I'll stop referring to myself as a "nice girl." Because I'm not a nice girl. Nice girls don't wish that their enemies fail all their finals and they don't wish other people to suffer. Nice girls don't make fun of guys who are overly clingy and obsessive. Nice girls don't make fun of their good friend because her boyfriend told her she couldn't move in with him until after she got her drivers license, as well as the fact that she is not trying harder to get her license after having that conversation. Also, nice girls don't steal guys from their friends (guilty) and they don't knowingly become the Other Woman (also guilty).
Well, I do all those things. A lot of it comes from my independent/loner nature I suppose. Also, even though I think a lot of laws are stupid, I seem to have my own moral code of conduct. As in, anyone who is emotionally abusive deserves to suffer, and should be put in jail. It's probably one of the reasons I like Kill Bill so much-- she got to kill people who had deeply hurt her and betrayed her, and she got to get away with it. And probably the best part is that all of those people understood that they had it coming, that she would be seeking revenge for what they did to her, and that her revenge was even justified.
So now, I will refer to myself as a girl who knows what's up. A girl who has standards for the people in her life. A confident girl. An independent girl. A smart girl. A girl who will no longer chase people and force them to remain in her life. A girl who puts herself first always. That's all.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Loner
The other day, something interesting came to my attention. I took this quiz to find out which Hunger Games character I am. I got Haymitch, and the description was creepily accurate:
"Principled and independent, it wouldn't be a total stretch to call you a loner. You have your own way of doing things, and you don't like it when other people meddle with those ways. You tend to flourish when you have a task to tackle, especially if you're working solo."
I had never thought of myself that way before, but it is very true. I suppose I am a bit of a loner. I keep to myself a lot. In fact, the other day I was thinking, "Do I HAVE to go to dinner with Fred and Becky? Can't I just stay here, drink some schnapps, and watch Kill Bill Volume 2?"
I did go to the dinner, and I actually had a really good time. Fred's gift to me was very nice. He got me this beautiful music box that plays Greensleeves. He also got me some lotions and body wash from Bath and Body Works, which was nice because I had just been thinking I needed to buy some more. I don't feel so bad about it because he got Becky some equally expensive and nice gifts.
And then, I paid for what turned out to be a $42 bottle of wine. It was good wine, but I didn't really want to pay THAT much for it. But I suppose it doesn't even make up for all the times Fred has paid for my dinner and movie tickets, etc., so it's not so bad.
Anyway, it's not that I don't like spending time with other people. It's that I've come to enjoy spending time with myself more.
I think I've come a long way in being independent. I've always been independent: doing things my own way, doing what I want when I want to do it, getting irritated when people try to force their stupid rules on me or restrict me from going about my business. However, what got me into trouble before was when bad things happened to me, I couldn't handle it by myself and that's when I ran to those people who I was close to for support, who then turned out to be emotionally abusive.
That's what happened with Ben. We had just had dinner and he had given me the talk about how he had talked to other people and concluded that I "didn't like him for the right reasons" and how he didn't want to date me anymore anyway because I'm not his soulmate because I don't play videogames. But oh, he still wanted to be friends.
I had told him I did not know if I could be friends after that and I didn't think I could. But then right afterward I went to the doctor, and that's when I found out that my wrist was sprained and I couldn't play viola, etc, horrible horrible. Then I went running back to Ben because I needed emotional support.
That's also what happened with Ray. I had broken up with him over text because he had refused to come to my apartment to talk, and wanted to make me wait a full day for him to break up with me, because he wanted to do it only when it was convenient for him. I told him I never wanted to talk to him ever again, and I did not want to be friends. But then a week later, I realized that I had been so upset because he had given me what I had always wanted but never had, and then taken it back. That was so upsetting to me that I met with him to talk about it, and he ended up comforting me, and that started the abuse cycle again.
That's also what happened with Mara. Ray had just texted me that he did not want to be my friend, told me that he "just didn't care anymore" and that I should "just move on." Obviously that is the worst pain that I have ever felt. Somebody that I loved told me that he didn't even care about me anymore. The next day was when I contacted Mara and told her that I had forgiven her for reneging, I had changed my mind about not wanting to be friends. Hence setting myself up for abuse.
Well, I am done running to other people like that when horrible things happen to me. I still rant to other people when that stuff happens, but I am never doing anything like this ever again. I will never again renew a friendship that I had previously ended because I need emotional support from that person. From now on, I will be my own emotional support.
Even if it turns out I need surgery on my wrist, which would be awful, I will handle it myself.
"Principled and independent, it wouldn't be a total stretch to call you a loner. You have your own way of doing things, and you don't like it when other people meddle with those ways. You tend to flourish when you have a task to tackle, especially if you're working solo."
I had never thought of myself that way before, but it is very true. I suppose I am a bit of a loner. I keep to myself a lot. In fact, the other day I was thinking, "Do I HAVE to go to dinner with Fred and Becky? Can't I just stay here, drink some schnapps, and watch Kill Bill Volume 2?"
I did go to the dinner, and I actually had a really good time. Fred's gift to me was very nice. He got me this beautiful music box that plays Greensleeves. He also got me some lotions and body wash from Bath and Body Works, which was nice because I had just been thinking I needed to buy some more. I don't feel so bad about it because he got Becky some equally expensive and nice gifts.
And then, I paid for what turned out to be a $42 bottle of wine. It was good wine, but I didn't really want to pay THAT much for it. But I suppose it doesn't even make up for all the times Fred has paid for my dinner and movie tickets, etc., so it's not so bad.
Anyway, it's not that I don't like spending time with other people. It's that I've come to enjoy spending time with myself more.
I think I've come a long way in being independent. I've always been independent: doing things my own way, doing what I want when I want to do it, getting irritated when people try to force their stupid rules on me or restrict me from going about my business. However, what got me into trouble before was when bad things happened to me, I couldn't handle it by myself and that's when I ran to those people who I was close to for support, who then turned out to be emotionally abusive.
That's what happened with Ben. We had just had dinner and he had given me the talk about how he had talked to other people and concluded that I "didn't like him for the right reasons" and how he didn't want to date me anymore anyway because I'm not his soulmate because I don't play videogames. But oh, he still wanted to be friends.
I had told him I did not know if I could be friends after that and I didn't think I could. But then right afterward I went to the doctor, and that's when I found out that my wrist was sprained and I couldn't play viola, etc, horrible horrible. Then I went running back to Ben because I needed emotional support.
That's also what happened with Ray. I had broken up with him over text because he had refused to come to my apartment to talk, and wanted to make me wait a full day for him to break up with me, because he wanted to do it only when it was convenient for him. I told him I never wanted to talk to him ever again, and I did not want to be friends. But then a week later, I realized that I had been so upset because he had given me what I had always wanted but never had, and then taken it back. That was so upsetting to me that I met with him to talk about it, and he ended up comforting me, and that started the abuse cycle again.
That's also what happened with Mara. Ray had just texted me that he did not want to be my friend, told me that he "just didn't care anymore" and that I should "just move on." Obviously that is the worst pain that I have ever felt. Somebody that I loved told me that he didn't even care about me anymore. The next day was when I contacted Mara and told her that I had forgiven her for reneging, I had changed my mind about not wanting to be friends. Hence setting myself up for abuse.
Well, I am done running to other people like that when horrible things happen to me. I still rant to other people when that stuff happens, but I am never doing anything like this ever again. I will never again renew a friendship that I had previously ended because I need emotional support from that person. From now on, I will be my own emotional support.
Even if it turns out I need surgery on my wrist, which would be awful, I will handle it myself.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Blocking
Really irritated. One of my mutual friends with Mara posted not one, but TWO, status updates in one evening where she had tagged Mara. And even though I have Mara unfriended and blocked, it still shows her name in black. So I can't click on her name, but it still shows me that she fucking exists.
I don't want to know that she fucking exists. She shouldn't exist. That's why I fucking blocked her.
At least Ray deleted his Facebook. Luckily I won't have the same problem with him.
aslkjhlskjdhlkjah I don't want to be reminded of fucking emotional abusing bitches who "try out" being your best friend, and then just give up and say, "it didn't work out."
You don't "try out" being someones best friend. Either you are, or you aren't. It's that simple.
I wish there was some way that she could experience the amount of suffering that I have felt because of her. She's the one who deserves to suffer, not me.
So hopefully in her next life, she knows what my life has been like: one giant suckfest where people mistreat you and fool you into thinking that they love you, when really they are so fickle that they change their minds a second later and then stop caring about you. A life where you can't do what you love the most for your career because doing that results in you being injured. A life where you have the worst luck with men. A life where your immediate family fights all the time and does not treat you well.
Yes Mara, I wish that on you. You deserve to know what the worst kind of pain out there is. You deserve the worst. I hope you get what's coming to you someday.
I don't want to know that she fucking exists. She shouldn't exist. That's why I fucking blocked her.
At least Ray deleted his Facebook. Luckily I won't have the same problem with him.
aslkjhlskjdhlkjah I don't want to be reminded of fucking emotional abusing bitches who "try out" being your best friend, and then just give up and say, "it didn't work out."
You don't "try out" being someones best friend. Either you are, or you aren't. It's that simple.
I wish there was some way that she could experience the amount of suffering that I have felt because of her. She's the one who deserves to suffer, not me.
So hopefully in her next life, she knows what my life has been like: one giant suckfest where people mistreat you and fool you into thinking that they love you, when really they are so fickle that they change their minds a second later and then stop caring about you. A life where you can't do what you love the most for your career because doing that results in you being injured. A life where you have the worst luck with men. A life where your immediate family fights all the time and does not treat you well.
Yes Mara, I wish that on you. You deserve to know what the worst kind of pain out there is. You deserve the worst. I hope you get what's coming to you someday.
The Nutcracker
Well, I made it through the concert! I'm in bad need of a shoulder/neck massage. It's good but bad to have the dress rehearsal right before the concert. It's good because the music is fresh in our minds for the concert and then it goes really well during the performance. It's bad because our bodies die....
This is one of those times I wish I had a boyfriend. Either that, or money to spare for a massage. Seriously.
But currently Fred is my only prospect (ew). Things have apparently fizzled with Cal, since he hasn't contacted me since Tuesday. This is another case where all signs pointed toward the fact that he was interested in me, and I was interested in him, and then it went from us talking all the time to nothing at all.
Well, whatever. I think Fred knows I'm annoyed with him. As I should be, since he dominates every single Facebook post I make. And then asks really stupid questions. I had made a post talking about how excited I was to play in the pit orchestra for The Nutcracker, because that's like my favorite thing ever. And he comments going, "what's a pit orchestra?"
Seriously. Maybe I wouldn't have been so annoyed if he didn't have a history of asking dumb questions. Like the time he asked me if I meant "rock faces" instead of "rock facies." Um no, I think I know the correct terminology for my field, thank you very much.
But like even if he didn't know what a pit orchestra was, it's not the right place to ask that in a public comment when I'm really excited about something. Talk about a buzzkill. Couldn't he just have googled it? I mean really.
Well I just have to finish up my GIS report, and grade stuff, and do that thing for my advisor, then I'll finally be done. What I would really like to do right now instead is drink some schnaaps and watch Kill Bill: Volume 2. I finally watched Volume 1 the other day after handing in my strat paper. It's so good!!!
This is one of those times I wish I had a boyfriend. Either that, or money to spare for a massage. Seriously.
But currently Fred is my only prospect (ew). Things have apparently fizzled with Cal, since he hasn't contacted me since Tuesday. This is another case where all signs pointed toward the fact that he was interested in me, and I was interested in him, and then it went from us talking all the time to nothing at all.
Well, whatever. I think Fred knows I'm annoyed with him. As I should be, since he dominates every single Facebook post I make. And then asks really stupid questions. I had made a post talking about how excited I was to play in the pit orchestra for The Nutcracker, because that's like my favorite thing ever. And he comments going, "what's a pit orchestra?"
Seriously. Maybe I wouldn't have been so annoyed if he didn't have a history of asking dumb questions. Like the time he asked me if I meant "rock faces" instead of "rock facies." Um no, I think I know the correct terminology for my field, thank you very much.
But like even if he didn't know what a pit orchestra was, it's not the right place to ask that in a public comment when I'm really excited about something. Talk about a buzzkill. Couldn't he just have googled it? I mean really.
Well I just have to finish up my GIS report, and grade stuff, and do that thing for my advisor, then I'll finally be done. What I would really like to do right now instead is drink some schnaaps and watch Kill Bill: Volume 2. I finally watched Volume 1 the other day after handing in my strat paper. It's so good!!!
Friday, December 13, 2013
They Sit There And They Laugh
Well, I answered my own question. Did I make the right career choice? Yes.
Because I get injured from playing the viola.
Wrist problems again. I went to the doctor today and they did x-rays, so there's no problem with the bones. He suggested getting another MRI done (ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh please no) to check the tissues and ligaments.
So it's back to wearing the brace, and it's back to being depressed, because I don't have a functional wrist. Can't do upper body strength training. Can't do the lower body ones that involve my hands. I can play in this concert if it feels good enough, but hopefully there's nothing seriously wrong.
Seriously, if there is a higher power out there, I would hope that He had better things to do than to make me suffer over and over again for the same reasons. But probably He is just sitting there laughing at me.
Because I get injured from playing the viola.
Wrist problems again. I went to the doctor today and they did x-rays, so there's no problem with the bones. He suggested getting another MRI done (ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh please no) to check the tissues and ligaments.
So it's back to wearing the brace, and it's back to being depressed, because I don't have a functional wrist. Can't do upper body strength training. Can't do the lower body ones that involve my hands. I can play in this concert if it feels good enough, but hopefully there's nothing seriously wrong.
Seriously, if there is a higher power out there, I would hope that He had better things to do than to make me suffer over and over again for the same reasons. But probably He is just sitting there laughing at me.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Unhappy
I'm so tired, I just wish the end of the semester would hurry up and get here. I want to go back to Boston, where I belong. I can't wait to take my birthday trip to NYC with my cousin Laura and my good friends Eliza and Kelley! I can't wait to have a sleepover with Cameron and meet her cat! I can't wait to piss around reading trashy romance novels, and sleep as much as I want, and go to the gym.
Though it looks like I'm going to have some work to do over the break. First I have to apply for my GIS certificate. Then I have to apply for internships. Also, I'm supposed to help compile the list of coproduced articles for my advisor by next Friday. Then I have all that grading to do that I probably won't get around to starting until Tuesday, because I'm trying to streamline 40 pages of strat paper into 20 or so, and then I still have to come up with my own fucking conclusion. Then I have to do the lit review for my GIS project...
GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right career decision. For the longest time, my dream had been to play viola in pit orchestras on Broadway. I had to give up that dream. My viola teacher told me that I wasn't good enough to make it. He also told me that I would end up hating that job anyway, because he said that those performers get backed into a corner where they get bored with the job and then they can't leave it because they can't take time off from it to look for a new job.
I really don't know if I would become bored with the job or not. There is nothing I love more than music. There is nothing I love more than musicals. It seems like the perfect job for me.
But I allowed someone to make me believe that I wasn't good enough. It's hard for that not to happen when you have a lot of respect for that person and a lot of trust for that person.
Anyway.
I still really miss Them. They probably don't think about me at all. They stopped caring about me and that was that. I've spent all this time suffering and They probably haven't batted an eyelash. And I hate them for that.
Though it looks like I'm going to have some work to do over the break. First I have to apply for my GIS certificate. Then I have to apply for internships. Also, I'm supposed to help compile the list of coproduced articles for my advisor by next Friday. Then I have all that grading to do that I probably won't get around to starting until Tuesday, because I'm trying to streamline 40 pages of strat paper into 20 or so, and then I still have to come up with my own fucking conclusion. Then I have to do the lit review for my GIS project...
GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right career decision. For the longest time, my dream had been to play viola in pit orchestras on Broadway. I had to give up that dream. My viola teacher told me that I wasn't good enough to make it. He also told me that I would end up hating that job anyway, because he said that those performers get backed into a corner where they get bored with the job and then they can't leave it because they can't take time off from it to look for a new job.
I really don't know if I would become bored with the job or not. There is nothing I love more than music. There is nothing I love more than musicals. It seems like the perfect job for me.
But I allowed someone to make me believe that I wasn't good enough. It's hard for that not to happen when you have a lot of respect for that person and a lot of trust for that person.
Anyway.
I still really miss Them. They probably don't think about me at all. They stopped caring about me and that was that. I've spent all this time suffering and They probably haven't batted an eyelash. And I hate them for that.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Small World
Something interesting happened to me yesterday. I got this Facebook friend request from a guy, Cal, who knew both Lawrence and Brittany, a girl from my department. I accepted the request thinking it was probably someone from my department.
Then Cal messaged me saying he had noticed we had 2 mutual friends, one of them being his BFF Brittany! It turns out, Cal used to live in my same hallway last year, so that's how he had met Lawrence and Brittany (Brittany's boyfriend used to live in my apartment last year). Haha what a small world!
Anyway, we got to talking and Cal is really very nice! I'm glad to have made a new friend.
Plus, he's really cute too. From his pictures he looks like he's a really happy guy. If something more happened I certainly wouldn't mind.... ;) We'll see though.
Speaking of that, Fred told me he got me my Christmas present, and that I would "probably be happy and surprised." My first thought was, "Oh shit. He's not about to propose to me is he?"
I really am kind of a bitch sometimes. I don't know though, Fred is really starting to bug me. I probably don't deserve whatever present he got me. Not because I don't deserve to be happy and surprised, but because he is interested in me and I am not interested in him. What bothers me is that he treats Becky the same as me, but apparently he wants to get with me and not her. Wtf. So it's ok for Becky to talk about her sex life, but it's not ok for me to talk about mine (or lack thereof) because I'm supposed to be "sensitive" to the fact that Fred is interested in me. Well fuck that, I didn't sign up for that. When someone agrees to be friends with you, that means they're not supposed to make awkward comments about how you could just fuck them if you want to fuck someone so bad to celebrate your cousin's birthday. Seriously. And I did have a talk with him about how interested he is in my homework. I told him that it was stressing me out more when he kept asking about it because I go on Facebook to take breaks and de-stress, not to be reminded of how badly my work is going.
And it's going pretty bad. I'm very behind on my strat paper. I finally have all the notes down on my paper, and am trying to organize/streamline 28 pages single spaced into 15 pages double spaced. Plus I need to come up with my own interpretation, which fucked if I know what that will be. If I were still in undergrad I would be skipping my classes today to work on my paper. I can't do that, because I'm a grad student and because I have to teach today.
So instead I'm skipping the gym today (will go tomorrow night instead probably, since Wednesdays are my day off) since I can't do much work tonight due to symphony rehearsal. Oh, hell week, how I hate you. I just want to be on break so I can relax and read some trashy romance novels.
Then Cal messaged me saying he had noticed we had 2 mutual friends, one of them being his BFF Brittany! It turns out, Cal used to live in my same hallway last year, so that's how he had met Lawrence and Brittany (Brittany's boyfriend used to live in my apartment last year). Haha what a small world!
Anyway, we got to talking and Cal is really very nice! I'm glad to have made a new friend.
Plus, he's really cute too. From his pictures he looks like he's a really happy guy. If something more happened I certainly wouldn't mind.... ;) We'll see though.
Speaking of that, Fred told me he got me my Christmas present, and that I would "probably be happy and surprised." My first thought was, "Oh shit. He's not about to propose to me is he?"
I really am kind of a bitch sometimes. I don't know though, Fred is really starting to bug me. I probably don't deserve whatever present he got me. Not because I don't deserve to be happy and surprised, but because he is interested in me and I am not interested in him. What bothers me is that he treats Becky the same as me, but apparently he wants to get with me and not her. Wtf. So it's ok for Becky to talk about her sex life, but it's not ok for me to talk about mine (or lack thereof) because I'm supposed to be "sensitive" to the fact that Fred is interested in me. Well fuck that, I didn't sign up for that. When someone agrees to be friends with you, that means they're not supposed to make awkward comments about how you could just fuck them if you want to fuck someone so bad to celebrate your cousin's birthday. Seriously. And I did have a talk with him about how interested he is in my homework. I told him that it was stressing me out more when he kept asking about it because I go on Facebook to take breaks and de-stress, not to be reminded of how badly my work is going.
And it's going pretty bad. I'm very behind on my strat paper. I finally have all the notes down on my paper, and am trying to organize/streamline 28 pages single spaced into 15 pages double spaced. Plus I need to come up with my own interpretation, which fucked if I know what that will be. If I were still in undergrad I would be skipping my classes today to work on my paper. I can't do that, because I'm a grad student and because I have to teach today.
So instead I'm skipping the gym today (will go tomorrow night instead probably, since Wednesdays are my day off) since I can't do much work tonight due to symphony rehearsal. Oh, hell week, how I hate you. I just want to be on break so I can relax and read some trashy romance novels.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
New Relationships
I've been thinking more about how I can pursue some rock-steady relationships. Because yes, I would like to love again. But I would only like to love again if it is rock-steady love. Or I guess it would be ok to love again if I could be assured that there would actually be a transition period from loving to not even caring anymore, instead of it being an abrupt transition.
One thing I can do is to just walk away at the first sign of disrespect. If the person is unable and unwilling to try to be a good communicator, I'm walking away from that. There's no reason I should put any effort into a relationship where the other person doesn't even try to communicate well.
Good communication involves discussing things that make you unhappy. It doesn't mean getting up and trying to walk out of my apartment when I try to have a discussion. It doesn't mean refusing to take responsibility for what you did and then trying to redirect the blame on me. It doesn't mean trying to ignore problems in the hope that they just magically disappear. Yes Ray, yes Mara, I'm talking to you. Because good communication means 1) that the other person tries to understand your point of view, and 2) the other person then makes an effort to change their behavior in the future.
If a person can't do that, it means they don't care about you enough to try. In the future I will just walk away.
Another thing is to not date people who are in any way racist, sexist, or homophobic. The very fact that they think that other people are inferior to them based on things that they can't control because they were BORN that way, is unacceptable. How is it someone's fault that they are born with black skin, or (what I still don't understand) even within the same skin color how Koreans and Chinese people hate each other, or the fact that they were unlucky enough to be born without a penis, or the fact that they love men instead of women? Or what bothers me even more is that some black men get bent out of shape about racist treatment, and then turn around and are sexist toward women, thinking they are inferior. Honestly people, what the fuck. I want nothing to do with any of that. I'll just walk away (Ben that's you).
Finally, it's come to my attention that I just apparently value people more than others do. Therefore I am not going to even try dating someone if there's some problem that will eventually get in the way. If I'm not attracted to the guy, it's a no. If the guy does not value science and music, it's a no. If I don't value what the guy does (usually history or religion stuff) then it's a no. If there's no chemistry, then it's a no.
That's what I've got so far.
One thing I can do is to just walk away at the first sign of disrespect. If the person is unable and unwilling to try to be a good communicator, I'm walking away from that. There's no reason I should put any effort into a relationship where the other person doesn't even try to communicate well.
Good communication involves discussing things that make you unhappy. It doesn't mean getting up and trying to walk out of my apartment when I try to have a discussion. It doesn't mean refusing to take responsibility for what you did and then trying to redirect the blame on me. It doesn't mean trying to ignore problems in the hope that they just magically disappear. Yes Ray, yes Mara, I'm talking to you. Because good communication means 1) that the other person tries to understand your point of view, and 2) the other person then makes an effort to change their behavior in the future.
If a person can't do that, it means they don't care about you enough to try. In the future I will just walk away.
Another thing is to not date people who are in any way racist, sexist, or homophobic. The very fact that they think that other people are inferior to them based on things that they can't control because they were BORN that way, is unacceptable. How is it someone's fault that they are born with black skin, or (what I still don't understand) even within the same skin color how Koreans and Chinese people hate each other, or the fact that they were unlucky enough to be born without a penis, or the fact that they love men instead of women? Or what bothers me even more is that some black men get bent out of shape about racist treatment, and then turn around and are sexist toward women, thinking they are inferior. Honestly people, what the fuck. I want nothing to do with any of that. I'll just walk away (Ben that's you).
Finally, it's come to my attention that I just apparently value people more than others do. Therefore I am not going to even try dating someone if there's some problem that will eventually get in the way. If I'm not attracted to the guy, it's a no. If the guy does not value science and music, it's a no. If I don't value what the guy does (usually history or religion stuff) then it's a no. If there's no chemistry, then it's a no.
That's what I've got so far.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Study/Coffee
One of my favorite things to do EVER is to study/coffee with friends. It agrees with the Happiness thing-- the happier you are, the more successful you will be. I get a lot more done when 1) I have coffee, and 2) I have friends there with me.
I did the study/coffee with Lawrence tonight. Had yummy coffee and a FUCKING AMAZING DELICIOUS peanut butter chocolate chip muffin. My mouth pretty much had an orgasm. Then I realized I have written WAY too much on the Bakken formation... it's a 15 page minimum double spaced, and I have 13 pages single spaced only on the Bakken... yeah.......... >_< Time to narrow that wayyyyy down and write more on the Three Forks.
I finished my maps today. They look beautiful! It took much longer than I had expected though to make them look pretty. Also, I'm not looking forward to the 12-page report that I have not started that goes along with them.
You know what else happened today? I took off my shirt and was like, "DAMNNNN!!!!! I have fucking amazing abs!!!!"
They are looking amazing. Solid top abs, emerging middle abs. Nice oblique definition.
I tried taking a picture but the selfies did not turn out so good lol. Becky says she will take a picture for me, which is good because I don't have that many girl friends here. How awkward it would be if I asked Fred to take the picture... he would probably try and have sex with me at this point >_< Haha I have to tell Laura about that. We have been making fun of him nonstop by sending each other hourly homework updates, because of how he would ask me how my project was going every hour. Plus it doesn't help that he's taken to commenting on all of my Facebook statuses. Maybe it was a mistake to be friends with him. I mean I was very upfront that I only wanted to be friends. But he's being really awkward :(
Anyway back to the AWESOME! I decided to break out my flannel pajamas. I'm wearing them now and listening to Michael Jackson.
...I really can't think of a better way to spend my evening honestly.
And I was thinking about it, and even though that guy gave me his number and he might be interested, I'm just not interested back. I know it right away that he's not the right guy for me. I guess it takes only a few minutes to decide if you're into someone. I mean he is really funny and nice, but I'm just not feeling it.
He does not make me feel Michael Jackson awesome. My next man will make me feel awesome on that level, nothing less.
I did the study/coffee with Lawrence tonight. Had yummy coffee and a FUCKING AMAZING DELICIOUS peanut butter chocolate chip muffin. My mouth pretty much had an orgasm. Then I realized I have written WAY too much on the Bakken formation... it's a 15 page minimum double spaced, and I have 13 pages single spaced only on the Bakken... yeah.......... >_< Time to narrow that wayyyyy down and write more on the Three Forks.
I finished my maps today. They look beautiful! It took much longer than I had expected though to make them look pretty. Also, I'm not looking forward to the 12-page report that I have not started that goes along with them.
You know what else happened today? I took off my shirt and was like, "DAMNNNN!!!!! I have fucking amazing abs!!!!"
They are looking amazing. Solid top abs, emerging middle abs. Nice oblique definition.
I tried taking a picture but the selfies did not turn out so good lol. Becky says she will take a picture for me, which is good because I don't have that many girl friends here. How awkward it would be if I asked Fred to take the picture... he would probably try and have sex with me at this point >_< Haha I have to tell Laura about that. We have been making fun of him nonstop by sending each other hourly homework updates, because of how he would ask me how my project was going every hour. Plus it doesn't help that he's taken to commenting on all of my Facebook statuses. Maybe it was a mistake to be friends with him. I mean I was very upfront that I only wanted to be friends. But he's being really awkward :(
Anyway back to the AWESOME! I decided to break out my flannel pajamas. I'm wearing them now and listening to Michael Jackson.
...I really can't think of a better way to spend my evening honestly.
And I was thinking about it, and even though that guy gave me his number and he might be interested, I'm just not interested back. I know it right away that he's not the right guy for me. I guess it takes only a few minutes to decide if you're into someone. I mean he is really funny and nice, but I'm just not feeling it.
He does not make me feel Michael Jackson awesome. My next man will make me feel awesome on that level, nothing less.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Nu-kyew-lar
A lot of great things happened today!
I showed my GIS professor my map, and he said it would be good enough for his project. At last! I know what my second map is for sure. It only took until a week before the thing is due... But yay! It's done. I need to make it look pretty in Illustrator, and then also make my first map look pretty. Then it's just the report...
Meanwhile my focus will switch completely over to my strat paper. Ugh...
Anyway, after GIS class I went to meet with my hydrofracking professor. It turns out my Itasca contact is the same as his Itasca contact!! Small world. He told me also to just focus on one basin and to do a quality, in-depth analysis of it. I like that a lot better. So my thesis is coming along, but it's doubtful I'll have time to give my proposal presentation before the end of the semester.
In the geothermal team meeting today, this really entertaining guy Wes was giving a presentation on where he's at with his thesis. He pronounced nuclear "nu-kyew-lar" and then my adviser called him out on it. He then proceeded to talk in a Texan accent in imitation of our former president...
Then our department went out for sushi, and there was more discussion of funny accents. Apparently North Dakotans also say "nu-kyew-lus" instead of nucleus. Nukyewlus... ahahaha. Plus we got into arguments about how much bacon sucks. At least Wes was with me there and I wasn't the only one who hates it.
This one guy Jay was there, and he turned out to be interested in the symphony. I told him about our upcoming concert, and he gave me his number and told me to text him the details. Interesting... well he's not married as far as I can tell.
I showed my GIS professor my map, and he said it would be good enough for his project. At last! I know what my second map is for sure. It only took until a week before the thing is due... But yay! It's done. I need to make it look pretty in Illustrator, and then also make my first map look pretty. Then it's just the report...
Meanwhile my focus will switch completely over to my strat paper. Ugh...
Anyway, after GIS class I went to meet with my hydrofracking professor. It turns out my Itasca contact is the same as his Itasca contact!! Small world. He told me also to just focus on one basin and to do a quality, in-depth analysis of it. I like that a lot better. So my thesis is coming along, but it's doubtful I'll have time to give my proposal presentation before the end of the semester.
In the geothermal team meeting today, this really entertaining guy Wes was giving a presentation on where he's at with his thesis. He pronounced nuclear "nu-kyew-lar" and then my adviser called him out on it. He then proceeded to talk in a Texan accent in imitation of our former president...
Then our department went out for sushi, and there was more discussion of funny accents. Apparently North Dakotans also say "nu-kyew-lus" instead of nucleus. Nukyewlus... ahahaha. Plus we got into arguments about how much bacon sucks. At least Wes was with me there and I wasn't the only one who hates it.
This one guy Jay was there, and he turned out to be interested in the symphony. I told him about our upcoming concert, and he gave me his number and told me to text him the details. Interesting... well he's not married as far as I can tell.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Happiness, Day 21
Today's gratitudes:
I was annoyed when I went to the gym this morning because they hadn't plowed a bunch of sidewalks yet, and I was sinking a foot deep into snow (and getting wet) to get to my destination. On my way back, there was a guy clearing the snow right in front of the door to my building. He smiled at me and said good morning, and I thanked him for clearing the snow.
Today's happiness:
Probably the best part of the day was my orchestra rehearsal. I really enjoyed hearing the happy music and being a part of it.
I don't know. I just feel down. What would really make me happy is having love that is rock steady (like in the No Doubt song lol). That is what I've always wanted, but never had. I want people to be in my life for keeps.
I've always been jealous of those people who grow up playing with the next door neighbors-- who just happen to be your same age-- and become best friends forever. I've always wanted that. The kind of friend that you know since you're small, and who stays with you for life. Like in The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. That's what I've always wanted.
I've never had it though. My neighbors growing up were all older than me. The closest person to my age was my sister. And as we all know, she and I don't exactly get along. We never did.
At the moment, my high-school group of friends are probably my oldest friends. I've stayed closer with some than others. I'm still friends with my 7th grade best friend, but she and I don't really talk except to wish each other happy birthday once a year. I'm still friends with my 1st grade best friend technically, but we don't even wish each other happy birthday.
Anyway, I hope that some of my friendships last, so that we can become old friends with rock steady love.
I also want a boyfriend who gives me rock steady love. Someone who will keep the promises he makes to me. Someone who isn't going to give up. Someone who isn't going to suddenly change his mind at the drop of a hat and decide that he doesn't even care about me anymore. I just want some rock steady love.
That's what would make me happy.
- Orchestra! Because it's the holiday concert, we are playing happy holiday music. The Nutcracker :D
- Ali helped me with my GIS project. She told me how I can specify temperature ranges so that it's consistent for all the layers. Slowly but surely I'm getting there... Going crazy in the process and drinking lots of schnaaps, and listening to lots of Michael Jackson... but yeah getting there.
- The body butter I've started using smells DELICIOUS. It's called Brazil Nut. Tasty.
I was annoyed when I went to the gym this morning because they hadn't plowed a bunch of sidewalks yet, and I was sinking a foot deep into snow (and getting wet) to get to my destination. On my way back, there was a guy clearing the snow right in front of the door to my building. He smiled at me and said good morning, and I thanked him for clearing the snow.
Today's happiness:
Probably the best part of the day was my orchestra rehearsal. I really enjoyed hearing the happy music and being a part of it.
I don't know. I just feel down. What would really make me happy is having love that is rock steady (like in the No Doubt song lol). That is what I've always wanted, but never had. I want people to be in my life for keeps.
I've always been jealous of those people who grow up playing with the next door neighbors-- who just happen to be your same age-- and become best friends forever. I've always wanted that. The kind of friend that you know since you're small, and who stays with you for life. Like in The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. That's what I've always wanted.
I've never had it though. My neighbors growing up were all older than me. The closest person to my age was my sister. And as we all know, she and I don't exactly get along. We never did.
At the moment, my high-school group of friends are probably my oldest friends. I've stayed closer with some than others. I'm still friends with my 7th grade best friend, but she and I don't really talk except to wish each other happy birthday once a year. I'm still friends with my 1st grade best friend technically, but we don't even wish each other happy birthday.
Anyway, I hope that some of my friendships last, so that we can become old friends with rock steady love.
I also want a boyfriend who gives me rock steady love. Someone who will keep the promises he makes to me. Someone who isn't going to give up. Someone who isn't going to suddenly change his mind at the drop of a hat and decide that he doesn't even care about me anymore. I just want some rock steady love.
That's what would make me happy.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Happiness, Day 20
Today's gratitudes:
Nick stopped in my lab near the end of it, and he was helping some of the students. He told them he had cut the problem they were working on for his class! That made them kinda annoyed.
Something like that would've made me mad before, because he kind of took over my class. But I didn't get mad. I thought about it and was like, "Nick is a good instructor. He isn't trying to make me look bad, because he thinks I'm smart and a good instructor. So I'm just going to let him explain stuff to them if he wants, and I'll use the time to get more of my work done. The fact that he dropped the question from his class and I didn't only served to increase my intimidating reputation." Haha! He actually did me a favor. I have issues gaining respect because I'm too nice and because I'm a small girl.
Today's reflection:
Well I thought about it, and I think I'm going about this happiness thing wrong. Tomorrow is the last of the 21-day happiness thing, and it definitely has worked to make me more positive, which does make me happier than I was. However, the main source of my happiness is not from myself, it's from other people. The way other people treat me. So I could make myself as happy as I want, but it's not going to much change the unhappiness I get as a result of other people mistreating me and disrespecting me. I need to think of a way to fix that problem. Once I know how to fix that problem, it won't be too hard.
I'm thinking about the times I've been successful in making changes to my habits. This year I have made excellent progress in taking care of myself. I eat healthier and less. I go to the gym 6 days a week, and I do 3 days of strength training, 4 days of stretching, and 4 days of cardio. I get enough sleep each night. Now that I wake up at 6 am, I go to sleep around 10 pm. I think actually I could get by with 1 hour less sleep, because I've been waking up around 4:45 am, falling back asleep, and then waking up on the tired side of the REM cycle. I started using makeup remover for healthier skin. I wear my retainer more regularly and use my acne cream more regularly. I moisturize WAY more frequently (thank you dry ND climate).
The reason I have been successful with these things is that I understand that changing a habit takes time, and that slip-ups occur sometimes. It's ok to slip up once in awhile, because what's important is that you get back on track afterward. Then for the more challenging habits, I found it useful to make a contract with myself outlining my goals. Then Aaliya co-signed the contract, so if I broke it I would be letting her down as well as myself.
So really, I just need to use these techniques toward trying to be happier. But before I can do that, I need to know what steps I should take to fix the problem.
- Slept in a little today because it was my day off from the gym. Got up at 6:45 and did a little work before my 9 am class.
- Michael Jackson. I have really come to love his music!! Smooth Criminal is bangin'.
- So one of my students had answered a question on his last lab saying "I have no idea. Can you fail lab?" I wrote him a note back saying that if he is confused about the material, all he has to do is ask me for help; if he made that effort he shouldn't fail. Today he (and his friend!) stayed and worked harder on the lab, and both of them asked me questions. It made me happy that they cared enough to take my advice and that they were actually learning things.
- Some of the guys in my GIS class were being nice to me and giving me suggestions/helping me with my final project.
- My Mom gave me $100 for my Hannukkah present! Thank you Mom for paying for this month's fine payment...
Nick stopped in my lab near the end of it, and he was helping some of the students. He told them he had cut the problem they were working on for his class! That made them kinda annoyed.
Something like that would've made me mad before, because he kind of took over my class. But I didn't get mad. I thought about it and was like, "Nick is a good instructor. He isn't trying to make me look bad, because he thinks I'm smart and a good instructor. So I'm just going to let him explain stuff to them if he wants, and I'll use the time to get more of my work done. The fact that he dropped the question from his class and I didn't only served to increase my intimidating reputation." Haha! He actually did me a favor. I have issues gaining respect because I'm too nice and because I'm a small girl.
Today's reflection:
Well I thought about it, and I think I'm going about this happiness thing wrong. Tomorrow is the last of the 21-day happiness thing, and it definitely has worked to make me more positive, which does make me happier than I was. However, the main source of my happiness is not from myself, it's from other people. The way other people treat me. So I could make myself as happy as I want, but it's not going to much change the unhappiness I get as a result of other people mistreating me and disrespecting me. I need to think of a way to fix that problem. Once I know how to fix that problem, it won't be too hard.
I'm thinking about the times I've been successful in making changes to my habits. This year I have made excellent progress in taking care of myself. I eat healthier and less. I go to the gym 6 days a week, and I do 3 days of strength training, 4 days of stretching, and 4 days of cardio. I get enough sleep each night. Now that I wake up at 6 am, I go to sleep around 10 pm. I think actually I could get by with 1 hour less sleep, because I've been waking up around 4:45 am, falling back asleep, and then waking up on the tired side of the REM cycle. I started using makeup remover for healthier skin. I wear my retainer more regularly and use my acne cream more regularly. I moisturize WAY more frequently (thank you dry ND climate).
The reason I have been successful with these things is that I understand that changing a habit takes time, and that slip-ups occur sometimes. It's ok to slip up once in awhile, because what's important is that you get back on track afterward. Then for the more challenging habits, I found it useful to make a contract with myself outlining my goals. Then Aaliya co-signed the contract, so if I broke it I would be letting her down as well as myself.
So really, I just need to use these techniques toward trying to be happier. But before I can do that, I need to know what steps I should take to fix the problem.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Happiness, Day 19
Today's gratitudes:
I posted this on my Facebook from one of my other friends. It sums up exactly what I've been thinking-- I feel like society puts a great emphasis on helping someone and being sympathetic toward someone who has a physical illness that they can see. However, it is unimportant to most people to be there for someone emotionally who is going through some sort of emotional trauma because they can't see the manifestation of the pain and assume that it doesn't actually exist.
Mike commented on it, and he had a really interesting viewpoint. He and I come from opposite sides of the spectrum, but it's interesting that after discussing something we originally disagree on we find that we agree on something. When he read the post, he viewed it as "people should use positive thinking to help overcome physical ailments."
A lot of times when this happens I get annoyed, but this time I just thought it was interesting that he read the same thing I did and had a completely different reaction to it, but then he agreed that people are generally stupid trolls after I explained why I had posted it.
Today's reflection:
Had a nice conversation with my cousin again today haha. I told her that I probably wouldn't take Sam's boy advice without a grain of salt again, since this was the second time he had given me bad advice (the first time being when he told me that Ray hadn't made a permanent decision when he told me he didn't want to be friends, and then he convinced me to text Ray and tell him I would always be there for him if he needed me... yeah worst decision ever). We think he gives bad boy advice because he wants to believe in the good in people.
This got us talking about happiness, and how we both are not really happy but we want to be. The reason I am not happy is because a lot of bad shit happens to me, and as a result it's very hard for me to trust people anymore. Laura said she understood and it was awful stuff. But then she said that I would always have Cousin Laura <3
- Lost 2 lb since yesterday. Glad that the Thanksgiving weight gain is coming off. I mean I gained 5 lb in 3 days... that's kind of impressive, but sucks at the same time.
- Well, the GIS professor got back to me really fast. Unfortunately though it's not looking good for my project. GIS is apparently really bad for depth data... which I hadn't known when I started my project. There are some things I can try, but I'm not sure what the results will be.
- We are currently under severe winter storm watch, so my orchestra rehearsal was cancelled tonight. While I'm sad that it was cancelled, it means I have more time right now to work on my finals.
I posted this on my Facebook from one of my other friends. It sums up exactly what I've been thinking-- I feel like society puts a great emphasis on helping someone and being sympathetic toward someone who has a physical illness that they can see. However, it is unimportant to most people to be there for someone emotionally who is going through some sort of emotional trauma because they can't see the manifestation of the pain and assume that it doesn't actually exist.
Mike commented on it, and he had a really interesting viewpoint. He and I come from opposite sides of the spectrum, but it's interesting that after discussing something we originally disagree on we find that we agree on something. When he read the post, he viewed it as "people should use positive thinking to help overcome physical ailments."
A lot of times when this happens I get annoyed, but this time I just thought it was interesting that he read the same thing I did and had a completely different reaction to it, but then he agreed that people are generally stupid trolls after I explained why I had posted it.
Today's reflection:
Had a nice conversation with my cousin again today haha. I told her that I probably wouldn't take Sam's boy advice without a grain of salt again, since this was the second time he had given me bad advice (the first time being when he told me that Ray hadn't made a permanent decision when he told me he didn't want to be friends, and then he convinced me to text Ray and tell him I would always be there for him if he needed me... yeah worst decision ever). We think he gives bad boy advice because he wants to believe in the good in people.
This got us talking about happiness, and how we both are not really happy but we want to be. The reason I am not happy is because a lot of bad shit happens to me, and as a result it's very hard for me to trust people anymore. Laura said she understood and it was awful stuff. But then she said that I would always have Cousin Laura <3
Monday, December 2, 2013
Happiness, Day 18
Today's gratitudes:
Can't really think of anything...
Today's reflection:
Laura left me this super funny voicemail this morning:
"Hey cuz, it's me, Cousin Laura! Good news, we are becoming closer and closer to being cousins. Ben it sounds like is gonna say yes, and he loves that you're a music girl. And Sam is slightly more ok with you seducing his cousin than raping him. Anyway, cousins for life! I hope you have a good day cuz, and I'll talk to you soon cousin!"
Oh my god lol. I was sitting in my office laughing hysterically. It's just so great. Perfect. Then I cousin-requested Laura on Facebook and SHE started laughing hysterically. Hahahaha.
As it turns out, the plan fizzled. Sam texted Laura that Ben doesn't want to go on a date with me unless I manage to seduce him. Wtf? Who says that? Like I can understand only wanting to fuck, but saying that fucking is a prerequisite for a date??
As if. He ain't getting any from me. Unless I REALLY feel like celebrating my birthday, at which point I would only use him for sex. With no follow-up date, thank you very much.
But anyway, even though we won't officially be cousins, we decided to be cousins anyway. Now we are twins AND cousins. We are family that will get together on the holidays <3
- There was a lot of good advice in this month's Cosmo. You have to filter it out from the bad advice (sorry, but ask any guy and I'll guarantee that he will tell you he wants absolutely no use of teeth on his penis). But I really enjoyed the article from a woman who worked for the CIA who was giving tips on how to spot liars, and the interview with Lauren Conrad, and another article that was like "you shouldn't have to tone down your feelings to snare a man. You could play it cool to extend your relationship with a guy like that, but why would you want to?" Just good points all around that made me feel better about myself.
- Solved my own problem in GIS! I love that feeling when you just can't solve a problem and you work at it and work at it, and then finally you get it. Woo! But unfortunately I still need help after solving it, so I emailed the professor who wrote that lab for the advanced GIS class.
- I have gained a cousin <3 See reflection!
Can't really think of anything...
Today's reflection:
Laura left me this super funny voicemail this morning:
"Hey cuz, it's me, Cousin Laura! Good news, we are becoming closer and closer to being cousins. Ben it sounds like is gonna say yes, and he loves that you're a music girl. And Sam is slightly more ok with you seducing his cousin than raping him. Anyway, cousins for life! I hope you have a good day cuz, and I'll talk to you soon cousin!"
Oh my god lol. I was sitting in my office laughing hysterically. It's just so great. Perfect. Then I cousin-requested Laura on Facebook and SHE started laughing hysterically. Hahahaha.
As it turns out, the plan fizzled. Sam texted Laura that Ben doesn't want to go on a date with me unless I manage to seduce him. Wtf? Who says that? Like I can understand only wanting to fuck, but saying that fucking is a prerequisite for a date??
As if. He ain't getting any from me. Unless I REALLY feel like celebrating my birthday, at which point I would only use him for sex. With no follow-up date, thank you very much.
But anyway, even though we won't officially be cousins, we decided to be cousins anyway. Now we are twins AND cousins. We are family that will get together on the holidays <3
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Happiness, Day 17
Today's gratitudes:
Gave Fred some foodstuffs that my Dad had gotten that I didn't want. Pepperonis and margarine, haha. I should have asked if he wanted the V8 as well. I guess I'll do that later.
Today's reflection:
Had very nice phone conversations with my Mom, my aunt, and Eliza. Trying to sort out NYC trip things!!! Also, today I burned 380 calories in 40 minutes on the elliptical. Not too shabby!
- OMG!!! My aunt and uncle will be there during the NYC weekend :D It will be great to see them! They are letting both Eliza and me stay with them! Also, my aunt can get us a 25% discount on our Chicago tickets!!! I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS!!!!
- Fred came over to give me some of his turkey soup he made. He even included one of his orgasmic rolls with it. YUM.
- Talked to my Mom on the phone today. She played me a song on my bass, and said she has her first bass lesson next week.
Gave Fred some foodstuffs that my Dad had gotten that I didn't want. Pepperonis and margarine, haha. I should have asked if he wanted the V8 as well. I guess I'll do that later.
Today's reflection:
Had very nice phone conversations with my Mom, my aunt, and Eliza. Trying to sort out NYC trip things!!! Also, today I burned 380 calories in 40 minutes on the elliptical. Not too shabby!
How Men Treat Women
Well, I'm feeling sad again this morning. I was thinking about how Laura asked me if there was anything I wanted to know about Ben. The first thing I asked was, "Will he treat me well?"
I can't believe that that's the first thing I had to ask. I shouldn't even have to ask a question like that.
Yet, my experiences have gotten me to the point where I have to ask. Look at Ben, Ray's best friend. He did not care enough about me to date me, instead stringing me along as a friend with benefits when he knew that I liked him. Then, he did not care enough about me to be there for me emotionally. Finally, I stopped talking to him because he was not treating me like an equal. He did not respect me enough to hear my opinions and explanations. He basically said, "What I say goes, because I'm the man and you're the woman. I'm putting you in your place as a woman by not taking into account what you want and not even caring enough to listen to what you want."
Um, no thanks. No more chauvinistic assholes for me.
Then there was Ray, who was not chauvinistic, but was far worse. He fooled me by treating me very well at first, but then his true nature came through. He refused to talk about problems that we had, on multiple times trying to walk out of my apartment. He asked for my help with his drug problem, and then accused me of controlling his life when I was doing what he asked me to do-- telling him not to do drugs. He tried to get me to break up with him because he was too weak to do it himself, and then he strung me along for another two weeks when that didn't work and treated me like shit. He promised me that he would always be there for me emotionally, even after we broke up, and then he reneged on that twice.
Again, no thanks. No more emotional abuse for me.
I just don't get it. We live in the 21st century. The way men treat women today is completely unacceptable.
I see sexism quite a bit actually. I hate how men assume that I'm weak because I'm a woman. Then they see me at the gym and are like, "Wow, Veronica actually is strong. Stronger than I am even."
Yeah, so fuck you. I should not have to prove that I'm strong. People should instead assume that I'm strong until I prove them otherwise.
The next man I date will not be intimidated by my abs. One day, I will have a 6-pack. And I will proudly show it off. And any man who thinks that that's not attractive because I'm a woman deserves to go to hell.
Furthermore, the next man I date will not call me controlling for doing something he asked for my help with. The next man I date will actually be good at communication. Not only will he listen to me when I have a problem I want to discuss and work through, but he will also bring up problems of his own instead of passive-aggressively trying to get me to break up with him.
Is that really too much to ask?? Seriously.
I can't believe that that's the first thing I had to ask. I shouldn't even have to ask a question like that.
Yet, my experiences have gotten me to the point where I have to ask. Look at Ben, Ray's best friend. He did not care enough about me to date me, instead stringing me along as a friend with benefits when he knew that I liked him. Then, he did not care enough about me to be there for me emotionally. Finally, I stopped talking to him because he was not treating me like an equal. He did not respect me enough to hear my opinions and explanations. He basically said, "What I say goes, because I'm the man and you're the woman. I'm putting you in your place as a woman by not taking into account what you want and not even caring enough to listen to what you want."
Um, no thanks. No more chauvinistic assholes for me.
Then there was Ray, who was not chauvinistic, but was far worse. He fooled me by treating me very well at first, but then his true nature came through. He refused to talk about problems that we had, on multiple times trying to walk out of my apartment. He asked for my help with his drug problem, and then accused me of controlling his life when I was doing what he asked me to do-- telling him not to do drugs. He tried to get me to break up with him because he was too weak to do it himself, and then he strung me along for another two weeks when that didn't work and treated me like shit. He promised me that he would always be there for me emotionally, even after we broke up, and then he reneged on that twice.
Again, no thanks. No more emotional abuse for me.
I just don't get it. We live in the 21st century. The way men treat women today is completely unacceptable.
I see sexism quite a bit actually. I hate how men assume that I'm weak because I'm a woman. Then they see me at the gym and are like, "Wow, Veronica actually is strong. Stronger than I am even."
Yeah, so fuck you. I should not have to prove that I'm strong. People should instead assume that I'm strong until I prove them otherwise.
The next man I date will not be intimidated by my abs. One day, I will have a 6-pack. And I will proudly show it off. And any man who thinks that that's not attractive because I'm a woman deserves to go to hell.
Furthermore, the next man I date will not call me controlling for doing something he asked for my help with. The next man I date will actually be good at communication. Not only will he listen to me when I have a problem I want to discuss and work through, but he will also bring up problems of his own instead of passive-aggressively trying to get me to break up with him.
Is that really too much to ask?? Seriously.
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