Loner

The other day, something interesting came to my attention. I took this quiz to find out which Hunger Games character I am. I got Haymitch, and the description was creepily accurate:

"Principled and independent, it wouldn't be a total stretch to call you a loner. You have your own way of doing things, and you don't like it when other people meddle with those ways. You tend to flourish when you have a task to tackle, especially if you're working solo."

I had never thought of myself that way before, but it is very true. I suppose I am a bit of a loner. I keep to myself a lot. In fact, the other day I was thinking, "Do I HAVE to go to dinner with Fred and Becky? Can't I just stay here, drink some schnapps, and watch Kill Bill Volume 2?"

I did go to the dinner, and I actually had a really good time. Fred's gift to me was very nice. He got me this beautiful music box that plays Greensleeves. He also got me some lotions and body wash from Bath and Body Works, which was nice because I had just been thinking I needed to buy some more. I don't feel so bad about it because he got Becky some equally expensive and nice gifts.

And then, I paid for what turned out to be a $42 bottle of wine. It was good wine, but I didn't really want to pay THAT much for it. But I suppose it doesn't even make up for all the times Fred has paid for my dinner and movie tickets, etc., so it's not so bad.

Anyway, it's not that I don't like spending time with other people. It's that I've come to enjoy spending time with myself more.

I think I've come a long way in being independent. I've always been independent: doing things my own way, doing what I want when I want to do it, getting irritated when people try to force their stupid rules on me or restrict me from going about my business. However, what got me into trouble before was when bad things happened to me, I couldn't handle it by myself and that's when I ran to those people who I was close to for support, who then turned out to be emotionally abusive.

That's what happened with Ben. We had just had dinner and he had given me the talk about how he had talked to other people and concluded that I "didn't like him for the right reasons" and how he didn't want to date me anymore anyway because I'm not his soulmate because I don't play videogames. But oh, he still wanted to be friends.

I had told him I did not know if I could be friends after that and I didn't think I could. But then right afterward I went to the doctor, and that's when I found out that my wrist was sprained and I couldn't play viola, etc, horrible horrible. Then I went running back to Ben because I needed emotional support.

That's also what happened with Ray. I had broken up with him over text because he had refused to come to my apartment to talk, and wanted to make me wait a full day for him to break up with me, because he wanted to do it only when it was convenient for him. I told him I never wanted to talk to him ever again, and I did not want to be friends. But then a week later, I realized that I had been so upset because he had given me what I had always wanted but never had, and then taken it back. That was so upsetting to me that I met with him to talk about it, and he ended up comforting me, and that started the abuse cycle again.

That's also what happened with Mara. Ray had just texted me that he did not want to be my friend, told me that he "just didn't care anymore" and that I should "just move on." Obviously that is the worst pain that I have ever felt. Somebody that I loved told me that he didn't even care about me anymore. The next day was when I contacted Mara and told her that I had forgiven her for reneging, I had changed my mind about not wanting to be friends. Hence setting myself up for abuse.


Well, I am done running to other people like that when horrible things happen to me. I still rant to other people when that stuff happens, but I am never doing anything like this ever again. I will never again renew a friendship that I had previously ended because I need emotional support from that person. From now on, I will be my own emotional support.

Even if it turns out I need surgery on my wrist, which would be awful, I will handle it myself.