Well I actually had a good new year! I had gone with some of my friends to see Frozen, but we got there and the next two shows were sold out. We ended up hanging out at Starbucks and Panera for awhile instead, and then Chad invited us to hang out more at his house. I ended up staying out later than I had thought I would, which was nice, and I got to spend more time with him and Mia, which was nice because I only see them about once a year. Also, I started to learn how to play Mahjong, which was pretty fun.
Then I came home and lowered my stress levels by organizing stuff and doing laundry. Cameron called me after she got off work and we talked about boys.
I guess I still have a thing for T.J. It's just that our relationship ended, but it was not finished. It would have been different if he had had other reasons for breaking up than the long distance factor. And he might have had other reasons, but he only gave me the long distance as the reason. In his goodbye gift to me, he gave me a binder filled with all of his writing, which he said was the best gift he could think of to give. He included the story that we had started to write together, which didn't even end with a complete word (let alone a complete sentence). Our story was as unfinished as our relationship. He even made up a page filled with memories from our relationship, and he wrote, "You have no idea how much I fucking hate doing to you what I did."
But anyway, we just missed each other this whole time. I went back to our hometown to sleep over at Cameron's and then to go to the yankee swap. He came back on Christmas. Shortly afterward I went to NYC (where he normally lives), but he was still here. Chad lives very close to T.J., so I texted him that I was back in our hometown. He said "lol I just left. Back in NYC now."
Ugh. Oh well. If he and I are meant to get back together, it will happen. Apparently it's not supposed to happen right now, at least.
After talking to Cameron, I poured myself some schnaaps and made myself a snack, and popped in Aladdin.
It was awesome! I really like being by myself. I really like doing things myself. I really like doing what I want to do at the time I want to do it.
Therefore, my New Year's Resolution is to pay more attention to myself. To treat myself. To indulge myself. To be kind to myself.
I've tried being a nice person. I really have. I have spent my whole life trying to be nice to others. I've always been a pleaser. I've always held back my thoughts and opinions because I didn't want to upset people that I cared about or be rude to people.
Well, enough with that. I've tried it time and time again and it doesn't work one bit.
It's time for a change. I need to become better at voicing my thoughts and opinions. I need to trust my instincts more. I need to stop expecting everyone to treat me well; people need to prove to me that they treat me well, and even if they have proven it to me, it can change at any time.
Also I will lower my expectations for how each day will go. I will not look forward to things very much. That way if it ends up sucking, I won't be that disappointed. Instead, I will make sure to do things that I am happy doing, and entertain myself.
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