Final Post

Alright, everyone. I have decided to end this blog.

While the purpose was supposed to be to figure out why people suck, I have not figured that out. But that is okay. I think the purpose became me trying to heal from everything that happened to me last summer.

I have definitely come a long way in that respect. I am still working on forgiving myself, but I'm close. Writing everything in my novel helped a lot. It showed me that I would have made exactly the same choices, if I had the chance of a do-over.

People do bad things because bad things happen to them. That is definitely true in my case. Spring 2013 was so shitty, that it fueled the fire of summer 2013. I made choices that I am not proud of, but I would not have done a single thing different.

I have forgiven myself for being taken advantage of. I am a nice person, and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have also forgiven myself for allowing myself to be emotionally abused by my boyfriend. He was the only one in my life who was treating me well at the time (well... at the beginning of our relationship), so I would have made all the same choices that I did.

The hardest part is trying to forgive myself for hurting Mara. She probably won't ever forgive me for what I did. I have to learn to be okay with that. I can't change it, and even if I could, I wouldn't.

To avoid making the same mistakes in the future, I need to be very careful with other people. Because people are often dishonest, it is very important to trust my instincts. If I don't like someone, that is ok.

I have learned that I just do not tolerate rude people. For awhile, I thought that maybe I took things too personally. I don't think that's it; rather, I can take criticism quite well. So long as the criticism is constructive. What pushes my buttons is when people are critical in a very rude way. Dislike.

Not only that, but communication was the major problem in the Mara situation. If my instinct tells me that my friend might like a guy who is hitting on me, I talk to them about it first. I am proud of myself for doing that. I don't want to step on people's toes.

The other thing is, I can't depend so much on other people for my happiness. I dated Ray because I was depending on him for happiness, and it was too much for him to handle. Happiness must come from within. Only then can relationships and friendships be healthy.

Right now, I have healthy friendships. I matter to those people, and they matter to me. I am happy with my life. My body is healthy and functional. I can exercise, strength train, and have sex to my heart's content, because I have no injuries. I am proud of myself for all my accomplishments in grad school so far; I have a lot of work ahead, but I can handle it. I get to travel all over the world in my field, which is great. I finally wrote a complete novel, which I had always wanted to do. I can continue to write as an outlet for my feelings. I'm going to work on viola as well. Next goal: trying to be a better performer. I am a good player, but I need to learn to be a better performer.

I am organically happy. To add to that happiness, I met a guy. Dane and I are both bouncing back from trauma in 2013, so it's going slow emotionally. The most important thing is that everything happens organically, not rushed, when it is meant to happen.

That is all. You can all go smoke now, if you smoke.

The Quality of Life: 30 lbs Skinnier

A few days ago, I reached a new milestone in my weight loss: I am now 30 lbs thinner than I started last summer.

I have to say, my quality of life has improved drastically. Now, I don't just mean feeling healthier and stronger; I mean that the way men treat me is generally better than before.

Before, I would go out to bars and I would get hit on. Men would buy me drinks because they wanted to fuck me and have a one-night stand.

Now, I go to bars and I still get hit on. However, in addition to getting hit on as strictly a booty call, men buy me drinks now because they actually want to ask me out on dates. These men don't want to have sex with me right away because they want to take me out.

Take the other night, for example. I went out downtown with my friends Jamie and Mel from work. Their friend Gabe kept hitting on me and telling me that my ass is amazing. He told me the next day that he had wanted to have a threesome with Jamie and me.

I think he's off-limits though. First of all, Gabe had been hitting on Jamie as well, and she was flirting back. Since I really like Jamie, and think that she is definitely "my people," I do not want to take her guys. Second of all, I think Mel was saying that she fucks him on the side. Apparently, her boyfriend Nat, who also works with us, is okay with that. But she went out of her way to tell me that I can't steal her side dish.

In addition to that, this guy Joe came up to me and offered to buy me a drink and a shot. He kept telling me, over and over again, that I am extremely gorgeous and stunning. I was very flattered, because I was not wearing a stitch of makeup. Normally I wear it, but I hadn't had enough time to apply it before work that night. He told me that I have the most beautiful eyes and smile. He even went so far as to say that he had seen my friends, and he thought that I was far more attractive than any of them. I was stunned at this, because I happen to think that Jamie and Mel are very attractive girls. At the end of the night, Joe called me to make sure that I got home safe.

So not only did I have a guy buy me drinks to ask me out on a date, who kept giving me compliment after compliment and wanted to take care of me, but an attractive girl who does not know my history thought that I was a threat to one of her guys (which I guess I was, because he was hitting on me).

Another guy there, who is friends with Jamie, Mel, and Gabe, called me a "saucy little minx" and said that if he didn't have a serious long-time girlfriend, he would try to get with me. Once, Gabe told me to tell him something interesting. I started talking about how I had broken my vibrator. I can't even describe his reaction, but it was priceless.

Not only that, but on another occasion I told everyone that I watch Don Jon and masturbate. Nat was all, "...so who wants to go to the Red Box and rent Don Jon right now?" even though he is with Mel.

Moreover, men are just more willing to do me favors (ie take out the trash for me, drive me places, pay for my food when we are not on a date). Men are generally nicer to me now that I am 30 lbs skinnier.

I am really not used to this sort of attention. Now, I actually look good enough that I am attracting more positive attention from men than negative. I guess I must be more attractive than I realize. It's strange for me to think about, since I had grown up being called fat and ugly (mind you, I was about this same size when I was called fat).

It really shouldn't be this way, and it bothers me that it is true. While I wish that our society wasn't so looks-based, at least I'm thin enough now to reap the benefits. Who am I to complain that my life has gotten easier?

Novels, Work, Strength Training

I have not written in a long time, because I wrote my novel! Not the one I had mentioned before, but a different one.

It started because I was writing a story about what would happen in August when I get to see Tim. Then, the story took on a life of its own, and I told the story of last summer. The whole thing, in its entirety.

I feel much, much better after writing this novel. I would not say that I've forgiven myself quite yet, but I'm getting very close to that point.

I do not know if I will publish. A lot of people would be very unhappy if I did. Also, the story is extremely personal, and if I did publish it, I would be very vulnerable. On the other hand, if I published it, I might be able to help other people who have been in similar situations. Someone else might need to hear my words.

Anyway, the story is written, but I still have to edit.

I've been writing non-stop for the past week and a half. Basically all I've been doing is working, writing, and sleeping.

I did venture out a few days ago. I stayed after work at the bar. My coworkers and I split a fishbowl. I got absolutely smashed. The cooks started buying me shots; it was great. I like how everyone stays at the bar and hangs out after work. If I weren't trying to lose weight, I would do it more often.

I saw my coworker at the gym again today. I feel like she and I would have enough in common to become friends outside of work, but we'll see.

Luckily, my friend Cathy was working at the gym when I was there. I asked her my questions about strength-training. I wasn't sure if I should start upper body again, let alone continue with lower body, since my wrists are both so stressed out from waitressing and carrying out.

Cathy told me I should do my wrist exercises from PT every day, in addition to whatever else I do at the gym. Both wrists need to be stronger. She said I should start upper body again, because it's been months since I finished PT. She also showed me a way to massage the sore parts with a foam roll, and told me that I can do the same with some ice in paper cups after particularly stressful days at work.

Since I work nights, I haven't been able to fall asleep until 4 or 5 am. Or maybe it is not a result of work, but rather because I have been thinking about last summer, which makes nighttime difficult for me. Either way, that means that I've been sleeping until 1:15 pm or so. I will try to make it to the gym at 2 pm, which should give me enough time to eat afterward before heading into work at 4 or 4:30. That will mean that Sunday will be my day off from the gym, because work starts at 3 pm on Sundays.

Monday
Wrists- 15 min
Elliptical- 15+ min
Stretching-  30 min

Tuesday
Wrists- 15 min
Full body- 60 min
Stretching- 30 min

Wednesday
Wrists- 15 min
Elliptical- 15+ min
Stretching- 30 min

Thursday
Wrists- 15 min
Lower body- 35 min
Stretching- 30 min

Friday
Wrists- 15 min
Elliptical- 15+ min
Stretching- 30 min

Saturday
Wrists- 15 min
Upper body- 25 min
Stretching- 30 min

Teamwork

Yesterday, I went with my department to a conference in Minneapolis. Not only did my advisor pay for my airline ticket and registration at the last minute, but also I was blown away by our department teamwork and atmosphere.

We all sat in the back row, because Erin wanted to work on her dissertation (haha). My advisor was asking our advice on his presentation, so he kept passing his flashdrive from me to Jason (Erin's husband) to Erin, down the line and back again. Then we were also talking and passing notes the whole time. It reminded me of the good times in sixth grade, haha.

My advisor is really into eating healthy and exercising, like me. He showed me this article about how some woman put on a belt and it magically erased 2 inches from her waist in 20 minutes. He said, "I want one!"

We were both sitting there cracking up over that article. It was great. Then I wrote a note that said, "I'm crying right now. There are free cookies over by the water." My advisor stepped on my foot and was like, "Don't do it!!"

Haha. That's the thing that sucks about being gluten free. I'm used to the diet, and I like it. But I have trouble when things are free: cookies, breads, cakes, etc., and I can't have any. It just makes me very sad. Also, free lunch was provided at the conference, but the only thing I could eat was the fruit salad. Sucks =(

Anyway, I was enjoying how chummy my department was being. Also, Erin is perhaps even more addicted to Starbucks than I am. We made many trips to Starbucks throughout the day to keep our caffeine levels nice and happy. So there was that as well.

All in all, it was a fun day.

The Dream Deferred

Another thing that made me upset when I visited home last week, was that my mom started telling my aunts and their boyfriends, and her boyfriend, about how proud she is of my sister. I was sitting next to her at the dinner table at the time.


There was not one word about her being proud of me.


Instead, I had to listen to my mom say how she "quite admires" my sister for pursuing a job in her passion. That my sister's advisor had gone out of his way to contact my mom and tell her that my sister is very talented.


Don't misunderstand, I'm proud of my sister too. I'm glad that she's good at what she does, and that it's what she likes to do. In fact, my sister fits the Pride and Prejudice description of a "truly accomplished woman:" "thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages. Also, she must improve her mind by extensive reading."


Yep, that's my sister alright.


All my life, I had been trying to compete with her. She always got better grades than I did. Even though I worked very hard for my good results, to her it seemed effortless to get better results. Even with our hobbies (music, reading, creative writing, sports), she always seemed to be better. She can read twice as fast as me. She can sing at the same time as playing piano, which I never figured out how to do. She also made it into All State, and I never did.


Then, the competition stopped for the most part once I went to college. I was able to become my own person, outside the influence of her shadow. We started traveling in different lanes. She has the mastery of foreign languages and theater set design down. I have the mastery of music performance and geology down. Two sisters, two different lanes. I didn't feel like I had to compete with her anymore.


But the way my mom started going on about how proud she is of my sister, with no word about how proud she is of me... that just made me sad. Even though I have two bachelor's degrees and am working on a master's degree and a GIS certificate, I'm still the failure in comparison.


I'll tell you why. I might have a degree in music performance, and I might get paid to play in an orchestra. But I'm still a failed musician. My undergraduate viola professor essentially told me that I'm not good enough of a player to be competitive in the field to make a top-tier orchestra. My original plan had been to get my master's in viola performance; my professor told me that I should not do that, and I should pursue geology instead. This sent me into a year-long depression when I was a junior in college.


On top of that, he shut down my dream. My dream had been to perform in pit orchestras for musicals on Broadway. Even now, the thought sends a shiver down the back of my neck. How glorious would it be if I could do that? There is nothing that I love more than musicals and playing viola. Yet, when I told this to my viola professor, he told me that that's a really shitty job. People apparently like it at first, but then they get bored of playing the same music over and over again. Then they can't afford to take time off to leave and look for a new job. He told me this because he didn't want me to "get backed into a corner with my career."


Fucking hell. So not only did my professor tell me that I'm not good enough, but he also told me that my dream sucks. So I had that happen to me, while my sister's advisor contacts our mom to boast about how wonderful she is at theater set design.


That's why I'm the failure.

Defunct Family

Recently, I've started to wonder what it would be like to be part of a different family. It would be nice if my family actually cared about each other, cared about what each other want to do, and actually liked hanging out with each other.


One thing I notice, whenever I go to Cameron's house, is that her family has all of those things. They hang out in the living room and kitchen together. There's always this sense that they actually enjoy talking to each other and being in each other's company.


I really wish I had that. I had high hopes for visiting my mom this time around, but in the end she didn't fail to disappoint.


I don't ask for much in life. I really don't. The one thing I ask for is Starbucks.


To be fair, my mom was doing nice things for me like offering to take me shopping, and making me gluten free food (even her birthday cake), and buying me good quality sunscreen online. I never asked her to do any of that, but she wanted to do it anyway. So she does nice things for me that I don't ask for, mostly because they have to do with my various health problems.


It's so strange that she won't pay for me to get a smartphone or a car, but she'll spend money to buy me gourmet sunscreen.


But the only thing I actually asked her for was to go to Starbucks. We had gone to drop off my computer for maintenance at the Best Buy by the mall. I told her that I really needed coffee, but that I hadn't had time to get one before my appointment at Best Buy. She said we could go after dropping off my computer. But then she just went straight to the mall, even though I told her I was fairly certain that there was no Starbucks in the mall. She said she thought there was, but we got there and of course there wasn't. She told me that I "should have researched Starbucks locations in advance." When I asked her how I was supposed to do that, without a laptop and without a smartphone, she threw it back in my face and informed me that BECAUSE I don't have a smartphone, I'm SUPPOSED to look things up in advance. Then she didn't even want to go and find a Starbucks, and was only concerned with going to Macy's to return something, saying we would just go home and I could go there afterward by myself. So she never actually bought me the clothes I needed, because she didn't want to find a Starbucks with me by the mall so that we could stay and shop.


This made me very upset. It's always been this way. Whenever we went on a family vacation, we never did anything I wanted to do; we only did what my parents wanted to do. And seriously, I don't ask for much. The one thing I did ask for-- Starbucks-- was of course denied.


To add insult to injury, if my mom had been with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend asked to go get Dunks, she would have of course been obliging. But because it was me, she didn't care about doing what I wanted and had asked for. What I wouldn't give to be part of a family that would just do the one thing I wanted with me. To have the sense that what's more important than the things done is the time spent with the people in your family. That it's more important to do nice things for people in your family than for your significant others. That the family actually wants to talk to each other and spend time together.


But it's just wishful thinking. I'm never going to have that.

The Diagnosis

Well as it turns out, Dr. House is wrong: it's lupus.

I have early lupus.

This afternoon, I went and got a huge peanut butter parfait. I mean, getting diagnosed with lupus means an automatic cheat day on my diet. Obviously.

He did test me for celiac, so I guess I could stop with the gluten free if it comes back negative. He did say that some people find that it helps alleviate the symptoms, so he told me to continue it if I think it's helpful. I guess I'll think about that later.

Summer

It's so weird adjusting to the fact that I don't have to be productive every second of the day. But I do have some summer goals for myself.

First, I want to lose that last 15 lbs. Now that I've settled into my gluten free diet, and the urge to eat ice cream and/or gluten free candy every second is less, I can see this through. Finish what I started last summer, almost 1 year ago. Currently I weigh 23 lbs less than I did 1 year ago. I'll do my best to lose the last 15.

Second, I want to ease back into my upper body strength training routine and get strong again. I'm so weak right now, it sucks. But it's been 3 months since I've recovered from the injury, and it's time I got cracking. Especially because I'm not viola-ing over the summer really, which will make things easier.

Third, I want to get a job and hopefully make some more friends here. I filled out a lot of applications already, and lots of places are promising. I'll just have to wait and see.

If I end up getting a job downtown, I'll be getting plenty of exercise. I walked at least 7 miles today total.

Fourth, I want to work more on my novel and write more sonnets. I wrote a sonnet for Tim the other day. I'm really rusty at writing poetry, but I think it turned out fairly decent:

Unrequited love is hell from above.

Full-scale war between the head and the heart:

What starts out sweet, warm-- hopelessly in love--

Becomes worthless, helpless; so torn apart.

I was scarred from pain, but you brought me hope

When you filled the empty room of my soul.

I almost fell down, but you handed me a rope.

You do care for me, patching up the hole.

You just don’t want me the way I want you;

No time for me before you leave this place.

I’m so replaceable; I know it’s true.

I really hope you remember my face.

Loving someone who does not love you back:

What a completely miserable act.

Sighhh I am going to miss that man. I wrote this sonnet because I got really depressed the other day. I had thought he was leaving on Saturday, but it turned out he was leaving on Sunday. He didn't want to make time to squeeze me in before he left. I'm sure he could have, but he didn't.

I was talking about it with Cameron. She asked me how close we were. I guess we were not actually that close. We didn't hang out a lot, and we didn't really talk about personal stuff. We got closer at the end on both accounts, but I guess we weren't really that close. Whenever I invited him out, he said no. I wanted to be close, but he didn't. That's what got me so depressed.

He did come through for me when I really needed him though. That shows that he does care about me. Maybe not in the way that I want, but at least he does in some way.

Plus, it's time to take note. On several occasions, he would say, "Veronica, as your friend..." Yes, as my FRIEND. That's the kind of thing to pay attention to. It's most likely the truth.

Anyway, I have to look on the bright side. After Ray, I thought I would never like or trust another guy ever again. And then I went and fell in love. I fell in love with someone completely different, completely unexpectedly. Tim showed me that not all guys are bad. He cared enough about me to have my back when I really needed it. He didn't try to take advantage of me. He's not my type physically-- didn't think I'd be attracted to someone with snakebites. However, on him they are fucking sexy as shit.

The Workaholic Extrovert

Well, another semester come and gone.

Looking back, I can see that I had too much on my plate. 11 credits as a master's student, plus preliminary thesis work, plus applications for scholarships, grants, and competitions. Not to mention those internships.

I'm used to having a lot on my plate, but this was the first time I felt like I couldn't handle it all. My mystery illness didn't help things, either.

But even though I finished up this morning, I'm already starting to feel empty. I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore without all the work. I can tell that it's going to be a very lonely summer up here. I don't have many friends here at all, and even fewer people will be here over the summer. Plus, I'm losing Tim. I am so, so sad.

At least he and I took a beautiful picture together. I look absolutely stunning. It's arguably the best picture of me that exists, considering how not photogenic I am. I think it's because I was so happy to be there with him, wearing a pretty dress and his tie, with us so close together in the picture and his arm around my waist. Hannah told me that we look like an adorable couple. We really do! Our hair color matches... haha.

Literally I look at this photo an embarrassing number of times each day. I look so radiant because I'm on the edge of love. I feel like he would be the perfect guy for me if he returned my feelings. Which, I keep trying to remind myself, he doesn't.

That night was a complete mixed bag. There were some really cute moments. He was trying to fasten the tie on me, but was having trouble doing it on someone else. So he got behind me and was trying to do it from behind. Next, his friend asked me if I was sniffing my hair (I wasn't, I tend to rest my head on my hand in that way); Tim goes, "I want to." So I offered him a strand, and he was all "mmmmm." Then when my tab came back, I hadn't spent enough to pay with my credit card; Tim told them to put it on his tab instead. Finally, he made sure that someone gave me a ride home so I wouldn't have to walk alone.

Then there were some embarrassing moments. Apparently I can't keep any of my secrets when I'm drunk. I was telling him all about how some guy flicked my bean on the dance floor at a club the one time. And how a man's circumference matters, but it can't be too big because it will rip my vagina like the one dude, and how I was injured for a year after that. Yes, I used both hands to show him how big that guy had been.

Finally, there were the upsetting moments. He kind of abruptly asked me to give him his tie back. Then he didn't give me a ride home because he had walked over to the bar instead of driven. Then since everyone was leaving at the same time, I didn't get to properly say goodbye. I couldn't... tell him things. Also, my sister had told me I should try kissing him on the mouth and then walking away. I wanted to do that so bad, but I didn't want to do it in front of his friends.

I decided I couldn't leave it on such a sour note. I texted him a few days later to ask if I would see him again before he leaves. He had a really busy finals week, so he said probably not.

Me: Well, best of luck with everything. I'm glad I got to know you :)
Tim: Thanks, you too. I'm glad as well :) Let me know if you're in Vegas, we'll get drinks!


I guess it's the best I could have hoped for under the circumstances.

I really hope I see him again. I really hope so. Maybe there's more in store for us later in life.


Anyway, I hope I make more friends here. It will be a really lonely summer if I don't.

Warm and Fuzzy

Last night turned out to be amazing. Since I don't have class Fridays, I decided to walk downtown and get some work done. First I went to the coffee shop, then I moved over to the bar.

Tim was working. I hadn't expected him to be there, since he typically works the late night shift. But I was like, whatever. I sat in his section, waited for him to notice me, and then for the most part ignored him.

I was in the zone with my work, so it wasn't too hard. Once in awhile, he would come over and talk to me. He asked me what I was working on, and he asked me how my presentation had gone. When he made me another drink, he asked me if I wanted him to make it a strawberry tea instead of normal.

Then things started to get interesting. The guys sitting next to me started chatting me up. I could see Tim paying attention to it. Once he interrupted me mid-sentence to ask if I wanted another drink (wasn't quite done with that one yet... lol). They were asking me how long of a walk I had, and I told them 3 miles. Tim heard me say that, and then was like "If you stay long enough, I'll give you a ride home."

Me: Haha, until 4 am?
Tim: No, I'm done at 10 today.

Then the one guy offered me a smoke, so I went out for a smoke. While we were out there, I ran into Becky's friend Cindy. I convinced her to come in and join us for awhile.

The three of us went back inside. When I ordered food, I was trying to make sure it would be gluten free. Then the guy who had offered me a smoke was trying to get them to cancel my order so I would go with him to the pizza place and get a gluten free pizza! I was like, no I'm staying here!

At that point, I was very drunk. "I'm so fucking drunk right now," I announced. Tim promptly poured me a glass of water, which I proceeded to pour all over my lap.

Tim: You're a hot mess.
Me: I am.
Tim: Seriously though, stay until 10. I'll give you a ride home.
Me: Ok.

By that point, the one guy was trying extra hard to get me to go with him to the pizza place.

Me: NO.
Tim: She's staying here, bud.

!!!!!! Aww, he was looking out for me!

The other guy slid over and took the first guy's seat next to me. After awhile, Cindy left to go watch a sports game. The guy was flirting with me, but also talking about his girlfriend. Weird. All the while, Tim was making sure I had enough water.

Tim: How are you doing, champ?
Me: Gooooooood.
Tim: Well I'll take you home soon.

At 10 pm, he came over to my side of the bar and put his hands on my shoulders. "Ok, let's roll," he said.

In the car, he started out by saying, "You sure attract a lot of attention." Haha. Then he surprised me by opening up to me about himself. He hadn't really done that before. He was telling me about his goals and what he wants to do in Vegas.

Tim: I'm out of here in 9 days.
Me: Well... that's sad...

Yes, I said that. Then I was talking about how our department trip to Nevada got moved to a week in August, and how we probably wouldn't be going to Vegas anymore because the plan is to drive out there instead of fly.

Tim: I'll be away for one week that month visiting home. I hope it's not the same week.

Aww, that means he wants to keep in touch with me! Even if he has to drive to northern Nevada to see me. I mean, assuming he wasn't just telling me what I want to hear...

Anyway, he pulled up to my building but didn't pull into my parking spot. He immediately said to me, "have a good night." Since he didn't want to come in, I didn't ask him to come in. Even though I wanted him to come in.

This is the third time that he could have taken advantage of me, but didn't. He took care of me when I was super drunk. It's so cute.



And here I go again, obsessing over every detail when I know he doesn't like me like that. But honestly... you read it. How could I not?

The Invention

Ever since I tabled work on my novel, I've learned a lot more about how people work. While I've learned a few things, I still don't know how to extract the truth from people.

Most of the time, people lie. If you ask someone a direct question, the answer will be a lie; they don't want to hurt your feelings with the truth. Even if you don't ask a direct question, people will volunteer lies if they feel like they should tell you what you want to hear. In these cases, it's more important to listen to what people are NOT saying. That's how you know what they're feeling.

But other times, people will tell the truth. You're supposed to listen to what they say to you, because they're telling you the truth. In these cases, you're supposed to follow what they say over what they don't say. How the fuck are you actually supposed to tell that it's the truth though?

Even if you know the truth, that doesn't change your feelings. I know that Tim doesn't like me, but that doesn't stop me from liking him. Yet I was still surprised and upset when he didn't respond to my text message, even though I know that he doesn't like me.

What needs to be invented, then, is some sort of machine to change your feelings for you. When you know that the guy you like doesn't like you back, you should use it to suck out the remnants of your love so that you can move on with your life. That way, you won't be obsessing over every little shred of attention that he gives you. Not like I did that.

Anyway, I can't wait to get the fuck out of North Dakota. The people here annoy me.

I did manage to pull through and finish all my projects, in spite of what is probably a lupus flare. I'm really proud of myself for that. I hope I did alright on everything, but I guess it's ok if I didn't. I'm not a superhero, and I don't have superpowers. I can't expect myself to get a 4.0 when my body isn't working right.

I think I've lost a lot of weight too from the flare. I haven't been eating very much, because I haven't really been hungry. I do not know if I actually lost weight though, since I haven't had energy to go to the gym where the scale is.

I just have to stick it out another week for my one final, and then I get to go home to Boston. I get to see my Mom and Cameron and get Kimballs ice cream. Can't fucking wait.

Unknown Illness

Whatever unknown illness I have is acting up again. Unknown whether it's rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, or celiac. Or it could be something else entirely.

Yesterday I was walking to my building and got extremely tired. When I got to my office, I had to sit down and try to regain some energy to work on my TA presentation. I came out of it when I started sweating.

Last night, I felt very tired around 10:30 or 11 pm, which is unusual for me lately because I've been going to sleep around 12:30. I slept well last night-- as in it didn't take me too long to fall asleep and I only woke up once-- but woke up feeling very tired with really sore ankles.

Today I've been tired all day. Doing my household chores was tiring. I'm sitting here writing this instead of working on my thousands of things to do, because I'm trying to gain enough energy to get to work.

I'm really frustrated with the healthcare system we have here. The rheumatology clinic in Fargo is STILL checking my referral. First of all, I don't even need a referral for my insurance. The referral is for their records only. Second of all, I was told it would take them 1-1.5 weeks to check my referral. It has now been over 3 weeks. So annoying. Maybe I'll keep my July appointment for Grand Forks rheumatology after all. >_<

Seriously, it should be illegal to make a patient wait this long to be told what is wrong with them. I had bloodwork done and I KNOW that there is something wrong with me. The tests show that I have a positive ANA and a borderline anti-nuclear test. I have SOME SORT of auto-immune disorder. Now they're making me wait obscene amounts of time to figure out WHICH ONE.

Meanwhile, I'm suffering from time to time whenever this thing flares up. I don't have the energy to exercise, which is something that I actually love doing. I don't have the energy to work on all my end-of semester craziness. All I feel like doing is lying on the couch and watching Moulin Rouge.

If I could just figure out what disease I actually have, I could start treatment for it. Instead, I'm stuck waiting. I wonder how many people die from an illness because of the obscene waiting times to get additional testing done.

My People

Ever since I've come here, I've struggled to find "my people." People who are like me. Becky is like me, but aside from her I haven't really met "my people."

Well, except for that one girl I saw a few times at the wellness center. We got into a conversation about our multiple injuries we got from going to the gym. But I haven't seen her since then, and that was a long time ago.

And as we all know, my department sucks. I had thought Tina was "my people," but my people wouldn't leak my secrets to others. It's her loss.

But Tim and his friends... they are "my people." I feel right at home with them. I can't stop laughing.

Tim invited me out last night with his friends. I wasn't sure if I would go or not, but Cameron talked me into it. I'm glad I went, because it was the best decision ever. First of all, the event was a "Suit Up Sunday," and we all wore our suits out to the bar. Um, yes!!

Tim and I sang many duets together throughout the course of the night. Layla, who was nice and offered me a ride home, was singing along to the radio with me when they played Evanescence, etc. Now THAT is what I'm talking about.

I REALLY LIKE these people. I wish they would adopt me into their group.

So I did all I could. Tim had mentioned wanting to watch Moulin Rouge, and I said I was all for it. I thought he had meant that night, so I texted him when I got home saying, "Boo! We didn't watch it!"

He said there were many more days to watch it. So I thanked him for inviting me out, and he said anytime; we would have to watch Moulin Rouge before he leaves.

Next, I friended Layla on Facebook. My attempts last time were thwarted I think because I didn't friend any of them. Taylor had friended me, but because he was being a little bitch and stopped talking to me after we hooked up, that was a dead end. Then there was Collin, who I would rather not talk to again because of his huge fucking ego. But maybe if I friend the girls, who are really the ones I think are "my people" anyway, I'll have a better chance of hanging out with them more.

Therefore I think it was a great idea that I ended up going last night. I still have feelings for Tim; I would be lying if I said I didn't. But because he is "my people," it's worth it to hang out with him as friends. Plus, I trust him not to take advantage of me. He could have last night, but he didn't. He could have at his party, but he also didn't. Solid.

Inner Darkness

You know, I was beginning to forget what this felt like. I feel afraid and alone. I feel very cold. I kind of just want to go chain-smoke a bunch of cigarettes. All I want is for some guy to come over and snuggle with me in bed. I want him to hold me and run his fingers through my hair and tell me that everything will be ok.

I want him to tell me, "Those thudding sounds mean nothing." "The police are not coming here to get you." "You don't have to be afraid, I'm here for you and I will not hurt you."

Yet that ain't gonna happen. I have nobody here.

Instead I will list the things I have learned about people, and how much I hate them all.

1. People make you think that they like you, and then you learn that they don't.
2. People make you trust them, and then they betray you.
3. People will tell your deep dark secrets to the world.
4. All people do is lie. People lie unwarranted, volunteering lies and falsehoods. People lie when you confront them with the truth. They would rather spend time arguing with you and denying things than tell you that you are right, there is a problem.
5. People make you feel loved and safe, and then they simply stop caring at the drop of a hat.
6. People are a bunch of horrible little shits, and I hate them.

Cause of Stress

I had an interesting thought just now after talking to my Mom on the phone. Where is my stress coming from?


I was telling her how much I hate my teaching job. If it weren't required for my tuition waiver and stipend, I would have already quit. Everything about it sucks.


"Don't let it stress you out," she told me. "You should try your best not to let anything stress you out. But if you do let something stress you out, it had better be something you really care about. Something like your schoolwork that matters for your career. Don't let something you don't care about stress you out."


This got me thinking. In the past I had been very stressed out by schoolwork. It started in middle school, got worse in high school, and plateaued in college as I worked on two degrees and two jobs all at once. Last semester, I was also very stressed out about schoolwork.


This semester, I have not been all that stressed about schoolwork. Ever since I learned that people are the most productive when they are happy, that has completely changed my outlook on the stress of schoolwork. I've tried to live every day like I'm still on vacation, and it seems to work very well.


So then, what is causing me stress?


The answer is obvious. People cause me more stress than schoolwork ever has. What am I always worrying about? My relationships with people. What am I always complaining about? My relationships with people. What continues to make me deeply sad and afraid? My relationships with people. I wouldn't have two blogs that discuss my unhappiness with people if that weren't the case.


I guess the reason for that is that people mean a lot to me. They always have. That's why it's so upsetting when friendships end. When other people mistreat me. When other people don't want to include me. I care so much about them, and they don't care back.


So according to my Mom's advice, allowing myself to stress out about other people is ok, because I really care about other people. But actually, I don't think it's ok. If I wasn't spending so much of my time and energy being stressed out about people, what could I do? How much happier would I be? How much more productive would I be as a result?


Here comes the problem: what to do about it? I've always been good at finding the problems, but I'm less good at figuring out solutions to them. I don't know.

One Giant Suck-fest

I'm so frustrated right now. Life for me just seems to be one giant suck-fest. Somebody's joke.


Some asshole stepped on my computer last night. Ray, Becky and I had gone to the bar with the intention of getting some work done there. Of course, we didn't get any work done, but that's alright. We had a good time with ourselves. I had my computer shut and in its case, partially underneath my seat. At one point, a huge group of guys stumbled into me. One of them must have stepped on my computer, completely cracking the screen and damaging the touch screen.


Even looking at it made me want to cry. Oh my god. It was horrible.


The good news is that it's covered under my Geek Squad protection. The bad news is that I'm computer-less for a month. AKA the rest of the semester.


More bad shit happened at the bar. We walked in there, and my department was there. Nobody had invited me, and nobody had invited Ray. They didn't ask us to sit with them. We were just like, "fuck that" and got our own table near the back of the bar.


Whatever. Obviously they do not like me very much. I don't even know why I bothered trying, given my track record with my departments at Penn State. This disproves Laura's theory that Penn State was the problem. Apparently, this problem will follow me around everywhere I go.


Then as we were leaving, I got hit on by a lesbian. Fucking hell.




I'm lucky that I have Ray and Becky. They were both there for me today. Ray took me to Starbucks for some coffee. Becky met us there. Then Becky took me to Best Buy about my computer, and then Target to return my cottage cheese.


Oh yeah, I'm eating a gluten free diet now. It's possible that all of my symptoms are from gluten intolerance. We'll see how that goes. Honestly a gluten intolerance would be better than the alternatives-- which would currently be rheumatoid arthritis or lupus. The rash actually improved a lot after my first day of gluten free, so it's highly possible that that's my problem.


Anyway, Becky and I went to the mall, where I got new athletic shoes. They are beautiful and purple and I love them. Then we both got makeovers at the Clinique section of Macy's. Becky was looking for new foundations and concealers. She told them to show me how to do eye shadow. It's funny because I'm pretty good at doing makeup BESIDES eye shadow. So it's about time I learned how to do it nicely. I got some new products too for my skin. That helped perk me up a bit.


Afterward, we went to Noodles for dinner. They made my pasta gluten free, but I'm kind of itching a little right now so maybe there was cross-contamination. Funny enough, we ran into Jerry while we were there. Jerry is also gluten intolerant. He and Becky got along pretty well too, which was nice. I was glad to see him.

HIMYM Finale (contains spoilers)

I have to comment on the HIMYM Finale. If you haven't watched it yet and are planning to, read no further.

I'm really conflicted about how I feel about the finale. On the one hand, it was the best it could have been. On the other hand, it was depressing and disheartening.

Let me tell you why it was the best it could have been. The ending made sense. If the Mother had been Ted's one true love, he would have met her a long time ago. He would not have met her in the last episode of the series. If the Mother had been Ted's one true love, maybe he would have mentioned how he had met Robin and been in love with her, but the Mother would have come into the picture in maybe the second or third season and would have blown his feelings for Robin out of the water. So the ending made sense, because the focus of the show had always been on Robin. It would not have done the Mother justice, as Ted's one true love, to have been met in the last episode of the series.

I thought that Ted and the Mother could work, because he had to let go of his feelings for Robin, and she had to let go of her feelings for her boyfriend that died young. But I guess they were only just second best for each other.

Also, it was a very realistic view of life. Of course Barney and Robin didn't last together. They were both freaking out before their wedding. Robin was even going to run away. That doesn't spell happily ever after in my book. Then, Robin begins to get feelings for Ted because he's taken and she can't have him anymore. Of course that meant that the gang fell apart.

That leads into why it was so depressing and disheartening. As someone who has had trouble keeping friends, the show gave me hope that no matter what happened, the five of them would always remain friends. That true friends do exist. That they won't miss the big moments. That they'll even continue to hang out together outside of the big moments. But I guess not. The pain of being around her ex-husband and the guy she loves because she can't have him was too much for Robin. Having children got in the way of Lily and Marshall hanging out with their friends.

It was also depressing and disheartening because some of us were hoping that HIMYM would show us how to finally get over the one that got away from us. It was supposed to show us that the one that got away from us, got away from us for a reason. The reason being that someone better would come along eventually who would blow the feelings out of the water for the one that got away. But that wasn't the case. Ted settles for second best, so that he can have children and not be alone.

But then you can argue that Robin and Ted would work out getting together later in life. The main problem was that she did not want to get married, and she did not want kids. Now that Ted has kids, that would take the pressure off of his relationship with Robin. I guess it shows that even if you meet the perfect person for you, it doesn't matter. The Mother was perfect for Ted, but it didn't matter in the end. He didn't want perfect, he wanted Robin.

Gone

Well, that was short lived. I was making progress in trying to trust people again, and then this happened. My faith is now gone. Probably one of my shittiest nights of all time.

Last night, my department went out for sushi dinner. I had asked Tina the day before if she had wanted to grab a drink, but she hadn't been feeling well and said maybe we could go the next day. I asked her if she still wanted to get a drink after sushi, and she said she did. She extended the invitation to the rest of the people at dinner. So Tina, Andrea, Jerry, Adam, and I went to the bar for drinks.

Kevin had missed sushi, but was texting Andrea and Tina about getting drinks. He was not texting me about drinks. By the way, I text Kevin every time I'm out for a drink to see if he wants to join me, but he always says no. I thought maybe he didn't go out anymore, but apparently he just doesn't like me enough to want to get drinks with me. Once Kevin joined us, around 9 pm, he was giving Tina shit about being sick and not wanting drinks last night. So in fact he does go out drinking, but he just doesn't invite me.

Thanks Kevin. Thanks a lot. I thought we were pretty good friends and all, but apparently not.

Anyway, we decided to stay at the same bar after Kevin joined us. Come 10 pm, we were sitting on the comfy couches by the window that have the huge Jenga blocks near them on the table. I was sitting facing the window and Tina was facing the bar. Then she says, really obviously, "Veronica! *points* look behind you. Turn around."

Oh god. I knew what she was up to. But I wasn't about to look.
Me: *smile and nod*
Tina: You should go order something!
Me: No.
Adam: Wait, what's going on?
Me: Nothing.
Tina: Turn around and look!
Me: I'm trying to not look!
Adam: Wait a second... do you... have the hots for the bartender??
Me: No!
Adam: It's the guy in the glasses, isn't it. She likes the guy in the glasses doesn't she.
Me: I do not!
Andrea: His name is Tim.
Adam: Oh. And did he get an A?
Me: What are you talking about..
Adam: He was your student right?
Me: No! Can we change the subject??
Kevin: He totally was your student.
Me: So how about them Jenga blocks..
Adam: You should make a move!

And they just kept going and going.... being really loud and really obvious. Finally I was like, fine, I'll get a drink. I went over there and Tim saw me right away. He wasn't even all that happy to see me. Not really at all. He barely talked to me, and it's not like he was swarmed with customers.

When I went back to the group, they were all, "We just watched that whole thing" blah blah blah. Then Kevin asked me if Tim had been the one to give me an urn. This made me realize:

1. I had never told Kevin that story about the urn.
2. I had never told Kevin that I had liked Tim.
3. I had never told Adam that I had liked Tim, and I had certainly never told him that he was my student.

The only person I had told all those things to was Tina. Andrea knew some of it but not a lot. They must be telling everyone my secrets.

Even if they weren't, Tina at least knew enough information to know that Tim is not interested in me, but that I really liked him and was upset about that. I'm usually happy to talk about my love life and my sex life, but they should have realized that I did not want to talk about Tim. I mean, I said so many times. And yet, Tina just let everyone keep talking about it.


I literally could not believe it. I felt so humiliated. I finally was happy here, and I thought I was making friends and getting closer to people here. I really only felt comfortable enough to confide my secrets in three people: Tina, Fred, and Becky. So what, I'm not supposed to confide in anyone, because they'll just tell everyone else?

Now, all I can think about is how Kevin doesn't even like me all that much, and how he probably gets together with Tina and Andrea without me. They probably discuss my ridiculously horrible, dramatic life, and laugh at me and the fact that I had a stupid crush on my student who didn't even like me back. I don't think I have ever felt more pathetic.

Healing

Finally, I've made good progress healing. I am armed with knowledge and fully prepared to do everything in my power to avoid and extract myself from emotionally abusive relationships.

I fully recommend that all girls read "He's Just Not That Into You." Never before have I understood men more clearly.

What I didn't understand (and what I'm pretty sure very few women understand) is that guys would rather be run over by a bus than admit to a girl that they are just not that into them. Hence all the mixed signals, murkiness, and offending behavior-- which are completely confusing and infuriating to all women-- really just mean that the guy is just not that into you. He may be somewhat into you, but he's just not THAT into you.

That's it. Guys really aren't lying when they say that they are simple creatures.

Problem #1: What do you do, then, when you're in a relationship and something happens to make you unhappy? Do you just break up with the guy on the spot, or do you shrug it off as a one-time mistake?

Answer: It depends on what he did. Fred helped me out with this one. He said there's the one-time deal-breaker vs. the three-time deal-breaker.

A one-time deal-breaker is when the guy does something to make you feel bad about yourself or feel like the guy is just not that into you. Example: My first ever argument with Ray. Ray had double-booked the evening with me and his friend, and then picked his friend over me. He had wanted me to reschedule with him for later in the evening, when we were supposed to hang out that afternoon. I was upset because Ray had made me feel like I wasn't important and that my time was expendable.

A three-time deal-breaker is something that the guy does that you don't like or that rubs you the wrong way. Examples: Collin's inflated ego and Dom's tendency to not tip. Neither of those things made me feel bad about myself or made me feel like the guy was just not that into me. But they rubbed me the wrong way that after a few times of seeing them in action, I was irritated enough that I didn't want to continue seeing the guy. As Fred pointed out, if something about the guy bothers you after a few times, it's going to keep bothering you. If it bothers you once, but you end up deciding it's not that big of a deal, then it's no longer a problem.

Problem #2: Well that's all well and good, but you can't just turn off your feelings.
Correct. This system is designed more so that you can avoid problems with guys altogether by figuring out that they are just not that into you, before you fall for them. It's harder to extract yourself from a situation when you have already fallen for the guy. Example: Fucking Tim. I know that he is just not that into me because he has not asked me out on a date. Plus, I've asked him to hang out with me twice now and he didn't come either time. Yet because I've fallen for him, I can't just shut off my feelings. It will take some time for them to go away, but that doesn't stop me from wishing that there were some sort of magic solution.

Also, I have made myself a promise (which Aaliya gave me her verbal co-signature over the phone). If any guy treats me as badly as Ray did, I will break up with him on the spot. If I have trouble extracting myself from the relationship, Aaliya has promised to instruct me to break up with him.

Problem #3: I don't know about you, but I don't have all that many suitors. It's lonely.
Yes, it is lonely. I currently have no suitors. Last month I had 5. They're all gone now. The last time I had suitors was right before I left State College, when I had 8 all at the same time. When it rains, it pours I guess. But in between, the soil is so parched that it's dead.

The point is, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you like shit. Or to be with someone who treats you alright, but not as well as you'd like to be treated. Life is to short to be put down by your significant other, and to deal with all the stress that comes with it.

Problem #4: What are you supposed to tell the guy when you break it off?
I wish the book had discussed this a little bit better. The author describes the book as the woman's secret or subtle advice. You can't just accuse the guy of not being into you.

In fact, you can't confront the guy with anything it seems. Example: I confronted Ray about our first fight, and all he did was deny it. What I should have done was break up with him on the spot. I allowed him to assuage me, and to manipulate me into thinking that he hadn't done anything wrong and that I was the one being ridiculous.

I'll extend this one to people in general. It's so frustrating! People just go around denying everything. Nobody wants to admit that they made a mistake, that they hurt someone, or that they don't like someone. When confronted, it's just denied.

Then, sometimes they don't even understand that they made a mistake. In their eyes, everything is all peaches and sunshine, and they never did anything wrong at all.

Given these facts, it might just be better to not tell them anything at all. I'm still not sure how to handle this one though. As someone on the receiving end of many friend breakups, it sucked when the person just stopped talking to me with no explanation. Because in my mind, I hadn't done anything wrong. I didn't know of anything that I had done wrong, so it hurt because I didn't know what I had done to warrant the end of a friendship. It would cause me to spend many hours trying to understand, trying to think of some sort of solution so that I could get some closure on the situation.

So I don't know.

Cracking the Solution

Ok, I think I figured out what happened with Tim and me. Aaliyah helped me figure it out.

What had bothered me was that he went way out of his way to befriend me after I was done being his teacher, and then he didn't make a move on me.

Something about that didn't add up. Generally, I don't think guys befriend a girl unless they have some sort of interest in her. A girl can befriend a guy without sexual intentions, but I don't think a guy usually befriends a girl without having sexual intentions.

Plus, the first thing he did was invite me to a bar crawl. I feel like he definitely befriended me because he wanted to fuck me.

I didn't go to the bar crawl. The first time I hung out with him was at his party, which happened 2 months after he befriended me.

In that time, I think he got to know me a little better and decided I was worth more than fucking. I know this because he did not try to make a move on me at his party. But something prevented him from asking me out all the same.

The conclusion I came to is that the situation is a lot like the Ray situation. Tim wanted to fuck me at first, but then decided I was worth more than fucking after getting to know me. Probably he thinks that I'm worth more than fucking, but that there's something he sees that is telling him that I'm not the one for him. Then, because Tim is an infinitely better person than Ray, he chose to not even go there and not even start anything, because he can tell that we would date for awhile and then break up. Therefore he is sparing my emotional roller-coaster by being a decent human being and not asking me out.


This is all conjecture, but I think it will get the job done. I have before me a reasonable sequence of events that would explain Tim's actions towards me. Hopefully, I can start to move on and get over him now.

Traveling, Thoughts

I wonder if, according to The Book, there is an allowance for bad timing. Or is bad timing just another excuse that a guy gives who is just not that into you?

Not that Tim gave that as an excuse, mind you. But I'm wondering if he would ask me out if we were going to be in the same place. Maybe someday down the road, we will both be living in Las Vegas. I'm hopeful that he will ask me out then.

Because, goddamn it, the more I find out about him, the more I like him. Today he posted a song and said "This is how I feel right now. And it's awesome."

This is so much like me I can't get over it. I made that whole post about how he makes me feel "So Debussy." (Yes, I'm listening to Debussy right now).

Sigh. I'm supposed to be trying to get over him, since he hasn't asked me out. I just feel helpless in the fact that I can't.

In other news, I visited my grandmother today. It was so weird to go to the house and not have my grandfather be there. I felt sad and wished he were there.

In happier news, I got accepted into a summer program in Iceland! So excited for that. It is an expensive trip, but I think my department can cover it. And if it can't, I have money from my grandfather that would help with the cost. I think he would want me to spend it on something I would enjoy, like traveling.

I'm hoping that I also find an internship for the first part of the summer. I really need to get some experience in the field.

Appreciation

Some things occurred to me today as I was revamping my resume and writing a cover letter for my internship applications.

First of all, I feel like I need to show a better appreciation to my advisor. I've been involved in so many team projects, but I get so caught up in the details that it's hard to keep everything straight. He has asked for my help on a lot of things this semester, and I've done them, but I don't think I showed my gratitude as much as I should have (or wanted to). Being caught up in so much stress will do that to me I suppose.

Second of all, I should be more like my office-mate Tina. She also has been hard at work on these projects-- and has done more work on them than I have-- yet she never seems to be stressed out like I am. I really need to learn how to manage stress better. And be more efficient with my time.

Tim's friend Taylor alerted me to the fact that it sounded like I have ADHD. I was never diagnosed with it, but I was describing to him how I "have trouble staying focused," I "get bored easily," and "my mind wanders and starts thinking about other things." So maybe I have it, and that's why I have trouble concentrating on assignments. And meditation, for that matter.

Anyway, the third thing I realized is not actually new, but it reminded me that I should use to my advantage that people do their best work when they are happy. I've been getting a lot done over my break, but I don't feel stressed out because I'm on a break. It feels like I have all the time in the world to get things done, AND read books for fun, AND get my hair trimmed at the salon, AND piss around and do nothing.

It feels so good.

If only I could find a way to channel this mindset into my daily life: the mindset that I am on vacation. Not only am I more productive, but I do more of the things that I enjoy, and I am happier in general. Usually I don't tip baristas, but I have already tipped them twice since being on vacation. I tipped the hair stylist 20%, when normally I would have only tipped $15 (especially because my trim didn't come out as good as I had hoped). I felt more generous, and way less irritable, because I am happier. I have been in much higher spirits even though things have deteriorated with all the men I've been talking to.

If Taylor wants to be a little bitch and ignore me, slash be really stupid, that's his own damn problem. He and I didn't even have sex. And I did nothing wrong.

Collin I'm a little more peeved at. We had a great time on our date. He seemed to want to get to know all of me, even the unpleasant parts. He even volunteered the information that he had had a good time and wanted to do it again sometime. I told him I agreed. He had wanted to get together last weekend, but I was already out of town for spring break. It's been a week, and he has not contacted me at all. Fuck that shit. If he were really interested, he would have texted me by now to see how I'm enjoying the break.

I was a bit concerned at what would happen if Taylor and Collin both went to Tim's movie party this past weekend. It crossed my mind that Taylor would tell Tim that he and I had hooked up, and then Collin would say that he and I had went on a date. Either they didn't say anything, or Tim knows and doesn't care. And why should he care, since he hasn't even asked me out on a date??

Dom stopped contacting me. He's out anyway, because he said he would come to my concert and then didn't. Then when he asked me about how it had went, and I responded talking about it excitedly, he didn't respond. He texted me the next day talking about the weather. I get the feeling that he doesn't really want to get to know me. He just wants to know the superficial happy part of me.

Anyway, whatever. They are all missing out. I am fucking awesome, and if they can't handle that, it's their loss.