Death

I woke up to some terrible news yesterday: my grandfather had passed away. He had prostate cancer and had not been doing well with it, but what got him in the end was old age. He was 90 years old and died peacefully in his sleep.

My family has never been good at emotions. My Dad told me that he was going to go work on a translating job; working instead of grieving. I kind of get this-- yesterday I didn't go to class, but I did go to my orchestra rehearsal. The only way to keep going is to do something that you love. He also told me that I don't need to come for the funeral. I get where he's coming from, because such last minute plane tickets would cost $1000 or so. But at the same time, I would like to be there to support my Dad and the rest of our family. I want to say goodbye to my Grandpa.

About a month ago, my Dad asked me to think of a favorite memory with my Grandpa. It was to celebrate his 90th birthday earlier this month. I couldn't think of anything. But the reason for that is that I enjoyed seeing my Grandpa every time, so there was no favorite memory. He was always so kind and happy to see me, and he broke my family's trend of emotional distance by telling me he loved me every time he saw me. I guess what I'll remember most about him is that he made me feel loved and happy every time I saw him.

I wish I knew more about his life though. I know that he served in the Navy during World War II, and that he was stationed on an island in the Pacific. I know that he was good with tools and mechanics. I know that he loved my Grandmother and also my Step-Grandmother. But aside from those things, I hardly know about his life. I wish I did.

Also, I'm sad because I'm thinking about how the people who have cut me out of their lives do not care. If Ray found out that my Grandpa died, he wouldn't care. If Mara found out... well I don't know. I half expected her to contact me, because she had been so upset when she lost her grandfather a year ago. She would understand. And yet, no contact from her. No contact from Lawrence, who I haven't even heard from in a week or two.

I feel like times like this are supposed to bring people together. Other people are supposed to be sympathetic and there for me. And a few of my friends have reached out and talked to me, which I really appreciate. But honestly, I almost feel more alone than ever. I'm not really getting the support I need from my family, or from the majority of my friends. I guess situations like this point out and separate those who really care from those who don't.