Dwelling

I guess one thing to take from all this is to focus on the good stuff instead of the bad. It's one of those things that is easier said than done, however. One of my flaws is that I'm often stuck in the past, and I have trouble living in the moment.

For instance, today I was thinking about Ray a lot. I know that I'm almost over him, but this is one of those times where I miss him loads. I miss tender, sweet, caring Ray. The Ray that was always there for me no matter what. The Ray that I fell in love with. I know that part of him was like that, and I know that the other part of him was the exact opposite of that. But all I want right now is to feel his arms around me-- holding me, protecting me, comforting me.

I guess what it is, is a war between my head and my heart. My head is telling me that he is bad news, that he hurt me more than anyone else ever has. But my heart is still feeling, telling me that I want him so bad, and I want to be with him, and that he would be the perfect guy if he was able to extricate himself from drugs.

I'm even dwelling on Lawrence and Mara. The thing with Lawrence was just me being self-conscious about the way he was treating me, so I can relax on that now.

But instead of thinking about them, I should be thinking about the people who actually are wonderful in my life. The people who did talk to me about my grandfather. The people who make an effort to be there for me. Those are the people I should be thinking about. Yet for some reason, I'm dwelling on the horrible people.

I wish I knew how to change that. It's really hard to control what you think about.

I guess I'll start by making a list of all the great things happening in my life:

• Making more and more business contacts
• Learning so much from the conferences and from my advisor
• Music!! Playing in the symphony here and getting paid to do it
• My great friends-- Laura, Cameron, Ashley, and Mandy
• Lilo and Fred, who I don't know very well but who keep asking me to hang out and offering to drive me places
• Being part of a supportive geology department
• Having the courage to go to a new place, completely different than anywhere I've ever been before, and having adventures
• Learning so much in my classes

I think I just need to start embracing my life. I need to get out of this funk and enjoy the present. Hopefully I'll get better at waking up early soon, so I can put Project Excitement into effect.