Reflection

So today is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful that I no longer have abusive boyfriends, love interests, and best friends in my life.

But it's still really sad that it all came to that.

I was thinking about what it would be like to have Ray erased from my mind, like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. You know how there's that one memory that is so good that you wouldn't want it erased? For me that memory would be when he and I were lying on my bed naked, watching Despicable Me. I had never seen it before, and I watched it even though I don't really pay much attention to movies when I'm watching with a guy. But I remember him saying how much he enjoyed being there with me, and how he liked that we just spent our time lying around together naked. I remember that time feeling extremely relaxed and feeling loved and cared for.

As for Mara, I would miss one specific memory and one habit of memories. The specific memory would be when we went to see the thesbians' production of The Producers. Oh my god, I love that musical. It's second favorite to Chicago. And I will always associate that night with Mara because it was the first (and only) time I've seen it, and beforehand we had gone to Noodles for dinner and had delicious pasta, and it was just a really great evening. The habit of memories would be the way we always met up to do homework at the HUB, sitting there with our Starbucks coffees and gossiping as we did homework. Then people we worked with would walk by and see us sitting there and be so glad that we had a friendship outside of work (especially our manager, Dale).

As for Ben, I would miss the way that he just felt right. Whenever I slept over at his place, I would lie in his arms and be completely comfortable. Like our bodies were meant to snuggle together in his warm bed.

As for Lana, I would miss the memory of how she came all the way to Boston for my birthday last year. I told her that a Swap had been planned on it, and she understood how much that sucked, so she made a trip from her house in Connecticut to be there for me.


It's hard because at the time each of those memories was made, it seemed like everything was going well with all of these people. Who would have known that they would turn out to be nasty emotional abusers. It just sucks, that's all. There's no way to predict when somebody you care about is going to change their mind about how they feel about you. How are you supposed to protect yourself from that?