What If

Okay. Let's play what if.

What if I had listened to my first instinct and never gave Ben the time of day?

I would have:

1. Not been hurt and emotionally abused by Ben.
2. Probably never have met Ray.
3. Not been given the ultimatum by Mara, who never would have dated him.
4. Maybe would not have been in a good enough mood to be generous enough to get myself into legal trouble.
5. Not been hurt and emotionally abused by Ray.
6. Probably would not have been emotionally abused by Mara.

#4 and #6 I can't say for sure. Probably I would have found out about Mara's true disgusting nature at some point anyway.

But I guess there would be some negatives as well:

1. Might not have discovered what it was like to be given what I had always wanted but never had.
2. Would not have discovered that I had been missing that in the first place.
3. Would not have learned that I suffer from anxiety from the way that people treat me.
4. Would not have learned how to recognize emotional abuse.
5. Would not have learned to walk away from people after the second infraction that deals with the same problem.

I mean, I guess I now have a better understanding of myself and when to walk away from other people. I don't wish that I were still friends with any of those people and I don't wish that I were still with Ray or Ben, but I just wish that all that bad shit had not happened to me.