High School Reunion

So today was my 5-year high-school reunion. Better late than never I suppose, but it's not like I could go to it anyway. Leave it to the people in my class to plan it last-minute on Black Friday.

I'm not that upset that I couldn't go. From what I hear, everyone's all competitive anyway on the 5-year reunion. Plus, I didn't even like most of those people anyway.

People wonder why I'm so obsessed with losing weight and going to the gym. I had to explain this to Becky the other day.

Me: I fucking hate this pouch of fat that I have on my stomach. I have a 4-pack that's covered in a layer of fat.
Becky: Why do you hate it?
Me: Because I've always had it and I want to get rid of it. Plus having fat around your middle is bad because it surrounds major organs and causes cancer, heart disease, etc.
Becky: I guarantee you that you do not have enough fat there to get cancer.
Me: Really?
Becky: I think you underestimate how attractive you are.
Me: That's because people in high school called me fat when I was this size. And it didn't help that my friends were either stick-thin or were obsessed with dieting to become stick-thin. Everyone was obsessed with being 115 lbs.
Becky: You mean people called you fat? They literally told you that you were fat?
Me: Yes.
Becky: Fuck them for saying that. You are definitely not fat. You're normal.

I know. But it's a hard mentality to break out of. On top of that, people thought I was ugly. I was teased by this asshole Russ who told me I looked like the Penguin from Batman. He took a picture of me in my car once when I was stopped at a red light, uploaded it to Facebook, tagged me, and then tagged me again as Penguin.

So I grew up thinking I was fat and ugly. It wasn't until I got to college that people actually told me that I looked really good and I started to believe it.

But right now, it's not about looking good for other people. It's about looking good for myself. I'm going to feel awesome when I reach my weight goal.


On a different note, I'm not sure how well this happiness thing is working. It definitely has worked some, but I'm still pretty much completely broken inside. The past few days I've felt really weepy and more emotional than usual... thinking it's due to the fact that they gave me a different Pill this month. Plus my hormones are all out of whack because I missed my last period for some reason. And as we all know, I haven't so much as touched a guy since Ray, so there's no way I'm pregnant.

Anyway, I may be over Ray, but I'm still deeply hurt by what he did to me. I've concluded that the worst pain in existence is when somebody you care about abruptly stops caring about you, without any warning. It hurts so bad. Ray did it to me and it almost destroyed me. Then Mara went and did it and it almost destroyed me again. I can't tell you how many people in my past have done it to me. I feel like if it happens one more time, I might not be able to recover. My heart is at the point where it has been deeply wounded in the same way over and over again, and is nowhere near the point of healing.

I was talking to Aaliya about this yesterday. She was trying to convince me that I should want to love again someday. I just don't know if I can. I don't know if I can ever again make myself that vulnerable to another person. It seems like every time I make myself that vulnerable, that person hurts me in the worst way possible by abruptly changing how they feel about me.

It's one thing to fall out of love. I understand that that happens. But why is there no transition period? You should be able to see that something is wrong. Whereas in my case, every time, I'm taken completely by surprise and am completely fooled, because there were absolutely no signs there to indicate that the person was falling out of love. Then, there's falling out of love, but you still care about the person. In my case, not only does the person fall abruptly out of love for me, but they also completely stop caring about me. So it goes from them loving me and caring about me to the next day them not caring at all. And I just do not understand this at all. I'm not sure that I ever will. It's been happening my whole life and I still don't understand it.