I'm putting the happiness thing on hold right now. I think I need to write about all the shitty things I've had to deal with this year in an effort to let go of them.
Being 23 has sucked. It started out with Ashley scheduling a Yankee Swap on my birthday. I alerted everyone to the fact that it was on my birthday by saying, "I'll come so long as you all join me for some birthday shots afterward :)" I mean, I suppose I could have asked her to change the date of it, but I knew that if I did, I would never see any of my friends on my birthday. Long history of shitty birthdays, people not bothering to make the effort to come see me after my Mom moved closer into Boston, the works. My Dad made me cry on my birthday once. So I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when only Eliza came out with me for a drink afterward. The others couldn't be bothered to drive 1 mile to celebrate my birthday with me.
Then I went back to school, and that's when things started with Ben. He had liked me before but I had said no. In fact, I almost didn't give him the time of day, but then relented and decided to be nice to the guy. Maybe I shouldn't have. I'm wondering how much better things would've been if I had gone with my gut reaction. Anyway, Ben had spent a lot of time trying to get me to go out with him, all of which I had refused. The ironic thing is that once he gave up, he became a close friend to me, one who was there for me when I needed. This of course made me fall for him.
We ended up hooking up after one of his parties. Afterward we had a conversation and I told him how I felt. He told me that he talked to some of my friends and he wasn't convinced that I liked him for the right reasons. (Because obviously my friends know me better than I know myself....... wtf.) Then he said he didn't want to date me because I wasn't his soulmate because I didn't play videogames.
Yet, he still wanted to be friends with benefits. I went along with it even though I shouldn't have.
Meanwhile, I sprained my wrist by playing viola. I couldn't do the thing I love most in the world for 3 whole months as I completed physical therapy. Nobody cared about this emotional pain, not even Ben. I had to drop orchestra, which meant I couldn't perform in the Bernstein Mass (probably the 11th performance of it ever in history) and I was not recognized as a graduating orchestra member. I was no longer a full-time student, which meant I was terminated from the job I had worked at for 5 years and loved.
Lana, one of my good friends at the time, didn't even care about my wrist. She saw me several times with the brace on, and never asked about it once. She also sided with Ben in his whole retarded logic, spending all this time talking to him about me and refusing to talk with me about him.
Meanwhile, my hip adductor got re-injured, and I got tendonitis in both knees. Cue even more physical therapy and frustration.
I needed to take my mind off all this, especially because I was getting too attached to Ben. I went out with Lana and I told her I liked her friend, Denny. Lana told me that SHE liked Denny. But then she went and was trying to go home with the guy in the blue shirt. Um, excuse me, you can't reserve every fucking guy for yourself. She even refused Denny's offers to buy her drinks, sending him the message that she was uninterested.
Well, he was interested in me. I went home with him and fucked his brains out. Then of course he went and told Lana, even though I had asked him not to tell her, and she cut me out of her life. Well, whatever, she wasn't being a good friend to me anyway.
Then Ben told me that I "needed an intervention" and that he was going to tell me what to do. He wouldn't even give me the courtesy of talking to me in person about it, he said "look I'm not going to change my mind. The friends with benefits thing is over." via text. Chauvinistic piece of shit.
Then Mara made her ultimatum that if I ever did anything with Ray, there would be "Lana-esque" consequences. Fuck her for making an ultimatum like that.
Subsequently my sister almost ruined my Dad's wedding, taking out her upset about the divorce on me in the form of pants. Sorry for donating pants that I thought were mine because you gave them to me 8 years ago and never wanted to wear them since then.
Then I got in legal trouble for furnishing alcohol to minors. Had to go through the whole court process, spent all of my life savings on a lawyer, now I'm paying that same amount for my fine. How fun, getting busted for being too nice.
After that, cue the emotional abuse from Ray. Realizing that I do not trust men at all anymore and I want nothing more to do with them. Then realizing I do not trust anyone anymore.
Meanwhile, spending 3 months sorting out the stupid refrigerator issue with my apartment. They replaced my refrigerator with a new one that didn't have a circulating fan. My food was being damaged because the stuff at the back would freeze and the stuff in the front would melt. I had them come for a service visit because I thought it was broken, not knowing about the circulating fan issue as that, in addition to anything like my problem, was not described in the instruction manual. They charged me $90 for that visit because "nothing was wrong with it." After 3 months, they finally conceded and gave me $45 back, which is better than nothing I guess.
I tried to see a therapist about the Ray thing, but didn't like how they assumed that I was going to go commit suicide in 5 minutes. They were trying to convince me that I had problems that I didn't have, so I quit.
Cue the emotional abuse from John. Kicking me while I was down, saying I was a bad friend for dumping an emotional load on him when he had schoolwork to do. When HE was the one who had started the conversation with me about how things were going.
Meanwhile, having every computer issue under the planet. Computer is STILL in the shop, even though they said it would be done this morning. Very dissatisfied with this service.
Cue the emotional abuse from Mara. She is probably the most disgusting person I have ever met.
As for now, I just feel abandoned by some of my friends. I know they probably don't do it on purpose, but after all I've been through I just don't trust people anymore. I called Aaliya when my grandfather died and the Mara thing happened, and she waited so long to call me back that I don't even really want to talk about those things anymore. Now we're playing phone tag and we have to schedule a time to talk days in advance. Then I tried calling Mandy about how Lawrence said I have low self esteem for being upset about losing close friends, but she didn't answer and she only called me back a week later when she needed me to support her with her problem. Lawrence asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him that I already had plans to see with Fred, but then he ditched me to go hang out with his other friends at a coffee shop. Apparently I'm not as important as they are or something.
And what a wonderful year it's been. I have lost 4 people that had been close to me. I have been emotionally abused by 3 of those people, by 1 family member, and by 1 new friend. I got in legal trouble. I was injured in 4 places.
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