New Years Thoughts

Well I actually had a good new year! I had gone with some of my friends to see Frozen, but we got there and the next two shows were sold out. We ended up hanging out at Starbucks and Panera for awhile instead, and then Chad invited us to hang out more at his house. I ended up staying out later than I had thought I would, which was nice, and I got to spend more time with him and Mia, which was nice because I only see them about once a year. Also, I started to learn how to play Mahjong, which was pretty fun.

Then I came home and lowered my stress levels by organizing stuff and doing laundry. Cameron called me after she got off work and we talked about boys.

I guess I still have a thing for T.J. It's just that our relationship ended, but it was not finished. It would have been different if he had had other reasons for breaking up than the long distance factor. And he might have had other reasons, but he only gave me the long distance as the reason. In his goodbye gift to me, he gave me a binder filled with all of his writing, which he said was the best gift he could think of to give. He included the story that we had started to write together, which didn't even end with a complete word (let alone a complete sentence). Our story was as unfinished as our relationship. He even made up a page filled with memories from our relationship, and he wrote, "You have no idea how much I fucking hate doing to you what I did."

But anyway, we just missed each other this whole time. I went back to our hometown to sleep over at Cameron's and then to go to the yankee swap. He came back on Christmas. Shortly afterward I went to NYC (where he normally lives), but he was still here. Chad lives very close to T.J., so I texted him that I was back in our hometown. He said "lol I just left. Back in NYC now."

Ugh. Oh well. If he and I are meant to get back together, it will happen. Apparently it's not supposed to happen right now, at least.


After talking to Cameron, I poured myself some schnaaps and made myself a snack, and popped in Aladdin.

It was awesome! I really like being by myself. I really like doing things myself. I really like doing what I want to do at the time I want to do it.

Therefore, my New Year's Resolution is to pay more attention to myself. To treat myself. To indulge myself. To be kind to myself.

I've tried being a nice person. I really have. I have spent my whole life trying to be nice to others. I've always been a pleaser. I've always held back my thoughts and opinions because I didn't want to upset people that I cared about or be rude to people.

Well, enough with that. I've tried it time and time again and it doesn't work one bit.

It's time for a change. I need to become better at voicing my thoughts and opinions. I need to trust my instincts more. I need to stop expecting everyone to treat me well; people need to prove to me that they treat me well, and even if they have proven it to me, it can change at any time.

Also I will lower my expectations for how each day will go. I will not look forward to things very much. That way if it ends up sucking, I won't be that disappointed. Instead, I will make sure to do things that I am happy doing, and entertain myself.

My Own Best Friend

There's a song in the Chicago musical that is not in the movie, titled My Own Best Friend.

"And now, Miss Roxie Hart and Miss Velma Kelly sing a song
Of unrelenting determination and unmitigated ego

One thing I know
One thing I know
And I've always known
And I've always known
I am my own
I am my own
Best friend

Baby's alive
Baby's alive
But baby's alone
But baby's alone
And baby's her own
And baby's her own
Best friend

Many's the guy
Who told me he cares
But they were scratchin' my back
'Cause I was scratchin' theirs

And trusting to luck
And trusting to luck
That's only for fools
Only for fools
I play in a game
I play in a game
Where I make the rules

And rule number one
From here to the end
Is I am my own best friend'

Three musketeers
Who never say die
Are standing here this minute
Me
Me
Myself
Myself
And I
And I

If life is a school I'll pass every test
If life is a game I'll play it the best
'Cause I wont give in and I'll never bend
And I am my own best friend"



I think this is the best song of all. From now on, I will be my own best friend. I'm going to put myself first always. I'm going to spoil myself rotten because nobody else does. I'm going to spend a lot of quality time with me, myself, and I. We're going to have fun indulging in things that we like and that make us happy. We are going to spend money on each other when we truly deserve it.

I'm tired of being treated wrongly by everyone. Since nobody makes an effort to treat me well, I'll just treat myself well instead. Who needs anyone else?

Good Advice

Now this might be some of the best advice I've ever heard:

"Listen, if somebody ignores you, then forget them. They don't deserve to have your attention."
~Beau Smart, J.Lo's boyfriend

The Cosmo writer went on to say, "Chasing guys who ignore us. So many of us do that in our 20s."


Wow. I had never thought about it that way before. But it really is great advice. The people who care about you are not going to ignore you. If someone starts ignoring you, then it means that that person has stopped caring. It means that they are no longer worth your time. Simple as that.

Late-Night Ramblings

Today we went over to my aunt's house for Christmas Eve dinner. It was funny because me and my two cousins were sprawled on the couches being like "Uggh we are so tired. Uggh we want caffeine. Uggh we want to sleep." While all the "adults" were getting drunk and were far livelier than us. Then my Mom was telling my aunts that she was "nice" and I was "naughty," according to this Santa hat she has that we took pictures with that was labeled nice on one side and naughty on the other. Then my aunt was like, "Actually I think it's the other way around... not that Veronica would ever tell."

Um what. I really hope that it's not true that my mother is naughtier than I am. That would just be wrong.

Then my mom's boyfriend made some comment that I didn't even hear, and my mom was all, "My daughter is of impressionable age. Don't make any comments like that." Then he was all, "No, I do not snort crack... *shifty eyes*"

Um, WHAT?? First of all, I'm almost 24. I can handle grown-up conversation, thankyouverymuch. Second of all, I really hope he's joking and that he's not doing that shit. I'm the one who has bad enough judgment to date a drug addict. Look where that got me. Look at all of the pain that that caused me. I would hope that my Mom would have better judgement than me. She's SUPPOSED to have better judgement than me.

And then of course Elf was playing on tv... of course it reminded me of Mara. She made me see that movie for the first time last year. We saw it together when it played in the Student Union. So then I got all depressed because I was thinking about her and how much she loves Christmas. Ugh.

Plus my cousin got skinny as fuck. I'm so jealous. People in my family have the ability to drop like 40 lbs without breaking a sweat. Meanwhile I'm trying and it was easy at first, but now it's hard work.

It's working though again, the holiday and finals week weight is coming back off (fingers crossed I won't gain much in the next week or so). I've been kicking ass at the gym. I go there and I burn 600 calories in cardio. I have to up the cardio and the stretching, since I can't really do upper body right now. Fingers crossed I don't re-injure anything in the process. My hip adductor felt uncomfortable today during the workout..

I really hate this time of night. I really do. I don't know why, but during this time I start to feel bad about myself, think about all the mistakes I made, and think about all of my regrets. I feel all the pain that I try to block out during the day.

Good thing T.J. is online right now. He's encouraging me to write the book that I have a really good idea for.

But I don't get him anyway. I told him I was going to his neck of the woods in a few days, and he didn't express any interest in seeing me while I'm there. Whatever.

Pain, Pain, Go Away

That moment where you feel bad for The Duke in Moulin Rouge: when he realizes that Satine fooled him into thinking that she loved him.

Yeah. I know that feeling well.

I wish the pain would just go away. Disappear.

It doesn't seem like it's going to go away for a long time. Probably this is comparable to Elle. Elle was my best friend in sixth grade. I loved her and deeply valued her friendship. In seventh grade, this nasty bitch Mel invaded my group of friends and made them all hate me. Not only did she make them all hate me, but she made them pretend to like me when really they hated me behind my back. I will never forget the pain I felt when I found out that Elle actually hated me, and had been fooling me for some time into thinking that she was my best friend.

It took me years to get over that pain. If I remember correctly, I was so upset that I cried about it every day for a full year. I became very depressed.

I just think it's cruel that I've experienced this horrible kind of pain so many times. How many times can a heart mend itself up again after being so seriously injured?

Old Friends

Last night I slept over at Cameron's house! We watched She's the Man and John Tucker Must Die. Epic lol. And it was fun to talk to her family too, especially her mom. I like how her family actually acts like a family, hanging out together, talking together, and laughing together. :)

Then we went to the yankee swap today, and I have to say that it was a lot more fun than I had expected it to be. I guess because Cameron and I had downplayed it, talking about how boring it was going to be. But I actually really did have a good time.

Part of that might be because Cameron found this old board we had made online way back when. We all had posted stuff on it and talked to each other on it. I had completely forgotten about it, but we went back and read some of the things that we had posted. I was actually reminded of why I was friends with all these people in the first place. We all wrote stories together and had a dysfunctional basement band together, and we actually cared about each other and were happy. Well, except for being all competitive over grades, GPAs, and orchestra seating.

But it was really nice to be reminded of why these people were in my life in the first place. Plus, I think the fact that we had thought we wouldn't have a good time at the swap, made it pleasantly surprising that we did.

Old friends... :)

Confidence

One thing that Fred lacks is confidence. Guys often wonder why the "nice guys" are single, while the douches get all the girls.

Well first of all, if any guy describes himself as a "nice guy," it can mean he actually isn't. Like Ray. All I heard from Ray was, "I'm a nice guy. I'm not an asshole."

....Yeah. Sure. Nice straw man.

To be fair, I've done it myself. I used to describe myself as a "nice girl." Sure, I go out of my way to be kind and helpful to strangers (well, I used to anyway). Generally I am nice to people. However, I am capable of being quite a bitch. Most of the conversations I have with Laura and Cameron involve me showing my true colors and being my nasty old self. Examples:

Laura: I'll send that picture of a mailbox you sent me to Fred.
Me: If you do that, he'll be unhappy because I'm not there. So you should do it.

Or how about this:

Me: Mara deserves to suffer for what she did to me. She deserves to fail all her finals.

Or:

Me: "South Dakota will be a happening place before Eliza gets her license."





But Fred actually is a nice guy. He is the type of guy who is very gentlemanly-- holding open doors, paying for dinners, buying expensive gifts, offering rides, genuinely caring about peoples lives by talking to them all the time.

He is just not confident though. I feel like he does all that because he feels like he needs to do it in order to get people to like him. He's like some sort of sad puppy that looks up at you and is like "I really want you to be my friend. Please be my friend." And I don't want to because I hate dogs.

That is the downfall. Generally, the assholes tend to be confident. That's why girls are drawn to them.

Sure, girls appreciate the things that Fred does... when they return the feelings for the guy. It's just awkward that he's showering not only me, but also Becky, with this kind of attention. When neither one of us is romantically interested and he knows it. It makes me wonder, if he treats me and Becky the same when he claims to be interested in me, how would he treat a girlfriend different? He already treats us better than most boyfriends do. How would he step up his game for an actual girlfriend?


Anyway, it's just some food for thought. In the meantime, I'll stop referring to myself as a "nice girl." Because I'm not a nice girl. Nice girls don't wish that their enemies fail all their finals and they don't wish other people to suffer. Nice girls don't make fun of guys who are overly clingy and obsessive. Nice girls don't make fun of their good friend because her boyfriend told her she couldn't move in with him until after she got her drivers license, as well as the fact that she is not trying harder to get her license after having that conversation. Also, nice girls don't steal guys from their friends (guilty) and they don't knowingly become the Other Woman (also guilty).

Well, I do all those things. A lot of it comes from my independent/loner nature I suppose. Also, even though I think a lot of laws are stupid, I seem to have my own moral code of conduct. As in, anyone who is emotionally abusive deserves to suffer, and should be put in jail. It's probably one of the reasons I like Kill Bill so much-- she got to kill people who had deeply hurt her and betrayed her, and she got to get away with it. And probably the best part is that all of those people understood that they had it coming, that she would be seeking revenge for what they did to her, and that her revenge was even justified.

So now, I will refer to myself as a girl who knows what's up. A girl who has standards for the people in her life. A confident girl. An independent girl. A smart girl. A girl who will no longer chase people and force them to remain in her life. A girl who puts herself first always. That's all.

Loner

The other day, something interesting came to my attention. I took this quiz to find out which Hunger Games character I am. I got Haymitch, and the description was creepily accurate:

"Principled and independent, it wouldn't be a total stretch to call you a loner. You have your own way of doing things, and you don't like it when other people meddle with those ways. You tend to flourish when you have a task to tackle, especially if you're working solo."

I had never thought of myself that way before, but it is very true. I suppose I am a bit of a loner. I keep to myself a lot. In fact, the other day I was thinking, "Do I HAVE to go to dinner with Fred and Becky? Can't I just stay here, drink some schnapps, and watch Kill Bill Volume 2?"

I did go to the dinner, and I actually had a really good time. Fred's gift to me was very nice. He got me this beautiful music box that plays Greensleeves. He also got me some lotions and body wash from Bath and Body Works, which was nice because I had just been thinking I needed to buy some more. I don't feel so bad about it because he got Becky some equally expensive and nice gifts.

And then, I paid for what turned out to be a $42 bottle of wine. It was good wine, but I didn't really want to pay THAT much for it. But I suppose it doesn't even make up for all the times Fred has paid for my dinner and movie tickets, etc., so it's not so bad.

Anyway, it's not that I don't like spending time with other people. It's that I've come to enjoy spending time with myself more.

I think I've come a long way in being independent. I've always been independent: doing things my own way, doing what I want when I want to do it, getting irritated when people try to force their stupid rules on me or restrict me from going about my business. However, what got me into trouble before was when bad things happened to me, I couldn't handle it by myself and that's when I ran to those people who I was close to for support, who then turned out to be emotionally abusive.

That's what happened with Ben. We had just had dinner and he had given me the talk about how he had talked to other people and concluded that I "didn't like him for the right reasons" and how he didn't want to date me anymore anyway because I'm not his soulmate because I don't play videogames. But oh, he still wanted to be friends.

I had told him I did not know if I could be friends after that and I didn't think I could. But then right afterward I went to the doctor, and that's when I found out that my wrist was sprained and I couldn't play viola, etc, horrible horrible. Then I went running back to Ben because I needed emotional support.

That's also what happened with Ray. I had broken up with him over text because he had refused to come to my apartment to talk, and wanted to make me wait a full day for him to break up with me, because he wanted to do it only when it was convenient for him. I told him I never wanted to talk to him ever again, and I did not want to be friends. But then a week later, I realized that I had been so upset because he had given me what I had always wanted but never had, and then taken it back. That was so upsetting to me that I met with him to talk about it, and he ended up comforting me, and that started the abuse cycle again.

That's also what happened with Mara. Ray had just texted me that he did not want to be my friend, told me that he "just didn't care anymore" and that I should "just move on." Obviously that is the worst pain that I have ever felt. Somebody that I loved told me that he didn't even care about me anymore. The next day was when I contacted Mara and told her that I had forgiven her for reneging, I had changed my mind about not wanting to be friends. Hence setting myself up for abuse.


Well, I am done running to other people like that when horrible things happen to me. I still rant to other people when that stuff happens, but I am never doing anything like this ever again. I will never again renew a friendship that I had previously ended because I need emotional support from that person. From now on, I will be my own emotional support.

Even if it turns out I need surgery on my wrist, which would be awful, I will handle it myself.

Blocking

Really irritated. One of my mutual friends with Mara posted not one, but TWO, status updates in one evening where she had tagged Mara. And even though I have Mara unfriended and blocked, it still shows her name in black. So I can't click on her name, but it still shows me that she fucking exists.

I don't want to know that she fucking exists. She shouldn't exist. That's why I fucking blocked her.

At least Ray deleted his Facebook. Luckily I won't have the same problem with him.

aslkjhlskjdhlkjah I don't want to be reminded of fucking emotional abusing bitches who "try out" being your best friend, and then just give up and say, "it didn't work out."

You don't "try out" being someones best friend. Either you are, or you aren't. It's that simple.

I wish there was some way that she could experience the amount of suffering that I have felt because of her. She's the one who deserves to suffer, not me.

So hopefully in her next life, she knows what my life has been like: one giant suckfest where people mistreat you and fool you into thinking that they love you, when really they are so fickle that they change their minds a second later and then stop caring about you. A life where you can't do what you love the most for your career because doing that results in you being injured. A life where you have the worst luck with men. A life where your immediate family fights all the time and does not treat you well.

Yes Mara, I wish that on you. You deserve to know what the worst kind of pain out there is. You deserve the worst. I hope you get what's coming to you someday.

The Nutcracker

Well, I made it through the concert! I'm in bad need of a shoulder/neck massage. It's good but bad to have the dress rehearsal right before the concert. It's good because the music is fresh in our minds for the concert and then it goes really well during the performance. It's bad because our bodies die....

This is one of those times I wish I had a boyfriend. Either that, or money to spare for a massage. Seriously.

But currently Fred is my only prospect (ew). Things have apparently fizzled with Cal, since he hasn't contacted me since Tuesday. This is another case where all signs pointed toward the fact that he was interested in me, and I was interested in him, and then it went from us talking all the time to nothing at all.

Well, whatever. I think Fred knows I'm annoyed with him. As I should be, since he dominates every single Facebook post I make. And then asks really stupid questions. I had made a post talking about how excited I was to play in the pit orchestra for The Nutcracker, because that's like my favorite thing ever. And he comments going, "what's a pit orchestra?"

Seriously. Maybe I wouldn't have been so annoyed if he didn't have a history of asking dumb questions. Like the time he asked me if I meant "rock faces" instead of "rock facies." Um no, I think I know the correct terminology for my field, thank you very much.

But like even if he didn't know what a pit orchestra was, it's not the right place to ask that in a public comment when I'm really excited about something. Talk about a buzzkill. Couldn't he just have googled it? I mean really.

Well I just have to finish up my GIS report, and grade stuff, and do that thing for my advisor, then I'll finally be done. What I would really like to do right now instead is drink some schnaaps and watch Kill Bill: Volume 2. I finally watched Volume 1 the other day after handing in my strat paper. It's so good!!!

They Sit There And They Laugh

Well, I answered my own question. Did I make the right career choice? Yes.

Because I get injured from playing the viola.

Wrist problems again. I went to the doctor today and they did x-rays, so there's no problem with the bones. He suggested getting another MRI done (ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh please no) to check the tissues and ligaments.

So it's back to wearing the brace, and it's back to being depressed, because I don't have a functional wrist. Can't do upper body strength training. Can't do the lower body ones that involve my hands. I can play in this concert if it feels good enough, but hopefully there's nothing seriously wrong.

Seriously, if there is a higher power out there, I would hope that He had better things to do than to make me suffer over and over again for the same reasons. But probably He is just sitting there laughing at me.

Unhappy

I'm so tired, I just wish the end of the semester would hurry up and get here. I want to go back to Boston, where I belong. I can't wait to take my birthday trip to NYC with my cousin Laura and my good friends Eliza and Kelley! I can't wait to have a sleepover with Cameron and meet her cat! I can't wait to piss around reading trashy romance novels, and sleep as much as I want, and go to the gym.

Though it looks like I'm going to have some work to do over the break. First I have to apply for my GIS certificate. Then I have to apply for internships. Also, I'm supposed to help compile the list of coproduced articles for my advisor by next Friday. Then I have all that grading to do that I probably won't get around to starting until Tuesday, because I'm trying to streamline 40 pages of strat paper into 20 or so, and then I still have to come up with my own fucking conclusion. Then I have to do the lit review for my GIS project...

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP.

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right career decision. For the longest time, my dream had been to play viola in pit orchestras on Broadway. I had to give up that dream. My viola teacher told me that I wasn't good enough to make it. He also told me that I would end up hating that job anyway, because he said that those performers get backed into a corner where they get bored with the job and then they can't leave it because they can't take time off from it to look for a new job.

I really don't know if I would become bored with the job or not. There is nothing I love more than music. There is nothing I love more than musicals. It seems like the perfect job for me.

But I allowed someone to make me believe that I wasn't good enough. It's hard for that not to happen when you have a lot of respect for that person and a lot of trust for that person.


Anyway.

I still really miss Them. They probably don't think about me at all. They stopped caring about me and that was that. I've spent all this time suffering and They probably haven't batted an eyelash. And I hate them for that.

Small World

Something interesting happened to me yesterday. I got this Facebook friend request from a guy, Cal, who knew both Lawrence and Brittany, a girl from my department. I accepted the request thinking it was probably someone from my department.

Then Cal messaged me saying he had noticed we had 2 mutual friends, one of them being his BFF Brittany! It turns out, Cal used to live in my same hallway last year, so that's how he had met Lawrence and Brittany (Brittany's boyfriend used to live in my apartment last year). Haha what a small world!

Anyway, we got to talking and Cal is really very nice! I'm glad to have made a new friend.

Plus, he's really cute too. From his pictures he looks like he's a really happy guy. If something more happened I certainly wouldn't mind.... ;) We'll see though.

Speaking of that, Fred told me he got me my Christmas present, and that I would "probably be happy and surprised." My first thought was, "Oh shit. He's not about to propose to me is he?"

I really am kind of a bitch sometimes. I don't know though, Fred is really starting to bug me. I probably don't deserve whatever present he got me. Not because I don't deserve to be happy and surprised, but because he is interested in me and I am not interested in him. What bothers me is that he treats Becky the same as me, but apparently he wants to get with me and not her. Wtf. So it's ok for Becky to talk about her sex life, but it's not ok for me to talk about mine (or lack thereof) because I'm supposed to be "sensitive" to the fact that Fred is interested in me. Well fuck that, I didn't sign up for that. When someone agrees to be friends with you, that means they're not supposed to make awkward comments about how you could just fuck them if you want to fuck someone so bad to celebrate your cousin's birthday. Seriously. And I did have a talk with him about how interested he is in my homework. I told him that it was stressing me out more when he kept asking about it because I go on Facebook to take breaks and de-stress, not to be reminded of how badly my work is going.

And it's going pretty bad. I'm very behind on my strat paper. I finally have all the notes down on my paper, and am trying to organize/streamline 28 pages single spaced into 15 pages double spaced. Plus I need to come up with my own interpretation, which fucked if I know what that will be. If I were still in undergrad I would be skipping my classes today to work on my paper. I can't do that, because I'm a grad student and because I have to teach today.

So instead I'm skipping the gym today (will go tomorrow night instead probably, since Wednesdays are my day off) since I can't do much work tonight due to symphony rehearsal. Oh, hell week, how I hate you. I just want to be on break so I can relax and read some trashy romance novels.

New Relationships

I've been thinking more about how I can pursue some rock-steady relationships. Because yes, I would like to love again. But I would only like to love again if it is rock-steady love. Or I guess it would be ok to love again if I could be assured that there would actually be a transition period from loving to not even caring anymore, instead of it being an abrupt transition.

One thing I can do is to just walk away at the first sign of disrespect. If the person is unable and unwilling to try to be a good communicator, I'm walking away from that. There's no reason I should put any effort into a relationship where the other person doesn't even try to communicate well.

Good communication involves discussing things that make you unhappy. It doesn't mean getting up and trying to walk out of my apartment when I try to have a discussion. It doesn't mean refusing to take responsibility for what you did and then trying to redirect the blame on me. It doesn't mean trying to ignore problems in the hope that they just magically disappear. Yes Ray, yes Mara, I'm talking to you. Because good communication means 1) that the other person tries to understand your point of view, and 2) the other person then makes an effort to change their behavior in the future.

If a person can't do that, it means they don't care about you enough to try. In the future I will just walk away.

Another thing is to not date people who are in any way racist, sexist, or homophobic. The very fact that they think that other people are inferior to them based on things that they can't control because they were BORN that way, is unacceptable. How is it someone's fault that they are born with black skin, or (what I still don't understand) even within the same skin color how Koreans and Chinese people hate each other, or the fact that they were unlucky enough to be born without a penis, or the fact that they love men instead of women? Or what bothers me even more is that some black men get bent out of shape about racist treatment, and then turn around and are sexist toward women, thinking they are inferior. Honestly people, what the fuck. I want nothing to do with any of that. I'll just walk away (Ben that's you).

Finally, it's come to my attention that I just apparently value people more than others do. Therefore I am not going to even try dating someone if there's some problem that will eventually get in the way. If I'm not attracted to the guy, it's a no. If the guy does not value science and music, it's a no. If I don't value what the guy does (usually history or religion stuff) then it's a no. If there's no chemistry, then it's a no.

That's what I've got so far.

Study/Coffee

One of my favorite things to do EVER is to study/coffee with friends. It agrees with the Happiness thing-- the happier you are, the more successful you will be. I get a lot more done when 1) I have coffee, and 2) I have friends there with me.

I did the study/coffee with Lawrence tonight. Had yummy coffee and a FUCKING AMAZING DELICIOUS peanut butter chocolate chip muffin. My mouth pretty much had an orgasm. Then I realized I have written WAY too much on the Bakken formation... it's a 15 page minimum double spaced, and I have 13 pages single spaced only on the Bakken... yeah.......... >_< Time to narrow that wayyyyy down and write more on the Three Forks.

I finished my maps today. They look beautiful! It took much longer than I had expected though to make them look pretty. Also, I'm not looking forward to the 12-page report that I have not started that goes along with them.

You know what else happened today? I took off my shirt and was like, "DAMNNNN!!!!! I have fucking amazing abs!!!!"

They are looking amazing. Solid top abs, emerging middle abs. Nice oblique definition.

I tried taking a picture but the selfies did not turn out so good lol. Becky says she will take a picture for me, which is good because I don't have that many girl friends here. How awkward it would be if I asked Fred to take the picture... he would probably try and have sex with me at this point >_< Haha I have to tell Laura about that. We have been making fun of him nonstop by sending each other hourly homework updates, because of how he would ask me how my project was going every hour. Plus it doesn't help that he's taken to commenting on all of my Facebook statuses. Maybe it was a mistake to be friends with him. I mean I was very upfront that I only wanted to be friends. But he's being really awkward :(

Anyway back to the AWESOME! I decided to break out my flannel pajamas. I'm wearing them now and listening to Michael Jackson.


...I really can't think of a better way to spend my evening honestly.

And I was thinking about it, and even though that guy gave me his number and he might be interested, I'm just not interested back. I know it right away that he's not the right guy for me. I guess it takes only a few minutes to decide if you're into someone. I mean he is really funny and nice, but I'm just not feeling it.

He does not make me feel Michael Jackson awesome. My next man will make me feel awesome on that level, nothing less.

Nu-kyew-lar

A lot of great things happened today!

I showed my GIS professor my map, and he said it would be good enough for his project. At last! I know what my second map is for sure. It only took until a week before the thing is due... But yay! It's done. I need to make it look pretty in Illustrator, and then also make my first map look pretty. Then it's just the report...

Meanwhile my focus will switch completely over to my strat paper. Ugh...

Anyway, after GIS class I went to meet with my hydrofracking professor. It turns out my Itasca contact is the same as his Itasca contact!! Small world. He told me also to just focus on one basin and to do a quality, in-depth analysis of it. I like that a lot better. So my thesis is coming along, but it's doubtful I'll have time to give my proposal presentation before the end of the semester.

In the geothermal team meeting today, this really entertaining guy Wes was giving a presentation on where he's at with his thesis. He pronounced nuclear "nu-kyew-lar" and then my adviser called him out on it. He then proceeded to talk in a Texan accent in imitation of our former president...

Then our department went out for sushi, and there was more discussion of funny accents. Apparently North Dakotans also say "nu-kyew-lus" instead of nucleus. Nukyewlus... ahahaha. Plus we got into arguments about how much bacon sucks. At least Wes was with me there and I wasn't the only one who hates it.

This one guy Jay was there, and he turned out to be interested in the symphony. I told him about our upcoming concert, and he gave me his number and told me to text him the details. Interesting... well he's not married as far as I can tell.

Happiness, Day 21

Today's gratitudes:

• Orchestra! Because it's the holiday concert, we are playing happy holiday music. The Nutcracker :D
• Ali helped me with my GIS project. She told me how I can specify temperature ranges so that it's consistent for all the layers. Slowly but surely I'm getting there... Going crazy in the process and drinking lots of schnaaps, and listening to lots of Michael Jackson... but yeah getting there.
• The body butter I've started using smells DELICIOUS. It's called Brazil Nut. Tasty.

Today's kindness:
I was annoyed when I went to the gym this morning because they hadn't plowed a bunch of sidewalks yet, and I was sinking a foot deep into snow (and getting wet) to get to my destination. On my way back, there was a guy clearing the snow right in front of the door to my building. He smiled at me and said good morning, and I thanked him for clearing the snow.

Today's happiness:
Probably the best part of the day was my orchestra rehearsal. I really enjoyed hearing the happy music and being a part of it.



I don't know. I just feel down. What would really make me happy is having love that is rock steady (like in the No Doubt song lol). That is what I've always wanted, but never had. I want people to be in my life for keeps.

I've always been jealous of those people who grow up playing with the next door neighbors-- who just happen to be your same age-- and become best friends forever. I've always wanted that. The kind of friend that you know since you're small, and who stays with you for life. Like in The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. That's what I've always wanted.

I've never had it though. My neighbors growing up were all older than me. The closest person to my age was my sister. And as we all know, she and I don't exactly get along. We never did.

At the moment, my high-school group of friends are probably my oldest friends. I've stayed closer with some than others. I'm still friends with my 7th grade best friend, but she and I don't really talk except to wish each other happy birthday once a year. I'm still friends with my 1st grade best friend technically, but we don't even wish each other happy birthday.

Anyway, I hope that some of my friendships last, so that we can become old friends with rock steady love.

I also want a boyfriend who gives me rock steady love. Someone who will keep the promises he makes to me. Someone who isn't going to give up. Someone who isn't going to suddenly change his mind at the drop of a hat and decide that he doesn't even care about me anymore. I just want some rock steady love.


That's what would make me happy.

Happiness, Day 20

Today's gratitudes:

• Slept in a little today because it was my day off from the gym. Got up at 6:45 and did a little work before my 9 am class.
• Michael Jackson. I have really come to love his music!! Smooth Criminal is bangin'.
• So one of my students had answered a question on his last lab saying "I have no idea. Can you fail lab?" I wrote him a note back saying that if he is confused about the material, all he has to do is ask me for help; if he made that effort he shouldn't fail. Today he (and his friend!) stayed and worked harder on the lab, and both of them asked me questions. It made me happy that they cared enough to take my advice and that they were actually learning things.
• Some of the guys in my GIS class were being nice to me and giving me suggestions/helping me with my final project.
• My Mom gave me $100 for my Hannukkah present! Thank you Mom for paying for this month's fine payment...

Today's kindness:
Nick stopped in my lab near the end of it, and he was helping some of the students. He told them he had cut the problem they were working on for his class! That made them kinda annoyed.

Something like that would've made me mad before, because he kind of took over my class. But I didn't get mad. I thought about it and was like, "Nick is a good instructor. He isn't trying to make me look bad, because he thinks I'm smart and a good instructor. So I'm just going to let him explain stuff to them if he wants, and I'll use the time to get more of my work done. The fact that he dropped the question from his class and I didn't only served to increase my intimidating reputation." Haha! He actually did me a favor. I have issues gaining respect because I'm too nice and because I'm a small girl.

Today's reflection:
Well I thought about it, and I think I'm going about this happiness thing wrong. Tomorrow is the last of the 21-day happiness thing, and it definitely has worked to make me more positive, which does make me happier than I was. However, the main source of my happiness is not from myself, it's from other people. The way other people treat me. So I could make myself as happy as I want, but it's not going to much change the unhappiness I get as a result of other people mistreating me and disrespecting me. I need to think of a way to fix that problem. Once I know how to fix that problem, it won't be too hard.

I'm thinking about the times I've been successful in making changes to my habits. This year I have made excellent progress in taking care of myself. I eat healthier and less. I go to the gym 6 days a week, and I do 3 days of strength training, 4 days of stretching, and 4 days of cardio. I get enough sleep each night. Now that I wake up at 6 am, I go to sleep around 10 pm. I think actually I could get by with 1 hour less sleep, because I've been waking up around 4:45 am, falling back asleep, and then waking up on the tired side of the REM cycle. I started using makeup remover for healthier skin. I wear my retainer more regularly and use my acne cream more regularly. I moisturize WAY more frequently (thank you dry ND climate).

The reason I have been successful with these things is that I understand that changing a habit takes time, and that slip-ups occur sometimes. It's ok to slip up once in awhile, because what's important is that you get back on track afterward. Then for the more challenging habits, I found it useful to make a contract with myself outlining my goals. Then Aaliya co-signed the contract, so if I broke it I would be letting her down as well as myself.

So really, I just need to use these techniques toward trying to be happier. But before I can do that, I need to know what steps I should take to fix the problem.

Happiness, Day 19

Today's gratitudes:

• Lost 2 lb since yesterday. Glad that the Thanksgiving weight gain is coming off. I mean I gained 5 lb in 3 days... that's kind of impressive, but sucks at the same time.
• Well, the GIS professor got back to me really fast. Unfortunately though it's not looking good for my project. GIS is apparently really bad for depth data... which I hadn't known when I started my project. There are some things I can try, but I'm not sure what the results will be.
• We are currently under severe winter storm watch, so my orchestra rehearsal was cancelled tonight. While I'm sad that it was cancelled, it means I have more time right now to work on my finals.

Today's kindness:
I posted this on my Facebook from one of my other friends. It sums up exactly what I've been thinking-- I feel like society puts a great emphasis on helping someone and being sympathetic toward someone who has a physical illness that they can see. However, it is unimportant to most people to be there for someone emotionally who is going through some sort of emotional trauma because they can't see the manifestation of the pain and assume that it doesn't actually exist.

Mike commented on it, and he had a really interesting viewpoint. He and I come from opposite sides of the spectrum, but it's interesting that after discussing something we originally disagree on we find that we agree on something. When he read the post, he viewed it as "people should use positive thinking to help overcome physical ailments."

A lot of times when this happens I get annoyed, but this time I just thought it was interesting that he read the same thing I did and had a completely different reaction to it, but then he agreed that people are generally stupid trolls after I explained why I had posted it.

Today's reflection:
Had a nice conversation with my cousin again today haha. I told her that I probably wouldn't take Sam's boy advice without a grain of salt again, since this was the second time he had given me bad advice (the first time being when he told me that Ray hadn't made a permanent decision when he told me he didn't want to be friends, and then he convinced me to text Ray and tell him I would always be there for him if he needed me... yeah worst decision ever). We think he gives bad boy advice because he wants to believe in the good in people.

This got us talking about happiness, and how we both are not really happy but we want to be. The reason I am not happy is because a lot of bad shit happens to me, and as a result it's very hard for me to trust people anymore. Laura said she understood and it was awful stuff. But then she said that I would always have Cousin Laura <3 

Happiness, Day 18

Today's gratitudes:

• There was a lot of good advice in this month's Cosmo. You have to filter it out from the bad advice (sorry, but ask any guy and I'll guarantee that he will tell you he wants absolutely no use of teeth on his penis). But I really enjoyed the article from a woman who worked for the CIA who was giving tips on how to spot liars, and the interview with Lauren Conrad, and another article that was like "you shouldn't have to tone down your feelings to snare a man. You could play it cool to extend your relationship with a guy like that, but why would you want to?" Just good points all around that made me feel better about myself.
• Solved my own problem in GIS! I love that feeling when you just can't solve a problem and you work at it and work at it, and then finally you get it. Woo! But unfortunately I still need help after solving it, so I emailed the professor who wrote that lab for the advanced GIS class.
• I have gained a cousin <3 See reflection!

Today's kindness:
Can't really think of anything...

Today's reflection:
Laura left me this super funny voicemail this morning:
"Hey cuz, it's me, Cousin Laura! Good news, we are becoming closer and closer to being cousins. Ben it sounds like is gonna say yes, and he loves that you're a music girl. And Sam is slightly more ok with you seducing his cousin than raping him. Anyway, cousins for life! I hope you have a good day cuz, and I'll talk to you soon cousin!"

Oh my god lol. I was sitting in my office laughing hysterically. It's just so great. Perfect. Then I cousin-requested Laura on Facebook and SHE started laughing hysterically. Hahahaha.

As it turns out, the plan fizzled. Sam texted Laura that Ben doesn't want to go on a date with me unless I manage to seduce him. Wtf? Who says that? Like I can understand only wanting to fuck, but saying that fucking is a prerequisite for a date??

As if. He ain't getting any from me. Unless I REALLY feel like celebrating my birthday, at which point I would only use him for sex. With no follow-up date, thank you very much.

But anyway, even though we won't officially be cousins, we decided to be cousins anyway. Now we are twins AND cousins. We are family that will get together on the holidays <3

Happiness, Day 17

Today's gratitudes:

• OMG!!! My aunt and uncle will be there during the NYC weekend :D It will be great to see them! They are letting both Eliza and me stay with them! Also, my aunt can get us a 25% discount on our Chicago tickets!!! I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS!!!!
• Fred came over to give me some of his turkey soup he made. He even included one of his orgasmic rolls with it. YUM.
• Talked to my Mom on the phone today. She played me a song on my bass, and said she has her first bass lesson next week.

Today's kindness:
Gave Fred some foodstuffs that my Dad had gotten that I didn't want. Pepperonis and margarine, haha. I should have asked if he wanted the V8 as well. I guess I'll do that later.

Today's reflection:
Had very nice phone conversations with my Mom, my aunt, and Eliza. Trying to sort out NYC trip things!!! Also, today I burned 380 calories in 40 minutes on the elliptical. Not too shabby!

How Men Treat Women

Well, I'm feeling sad again this morning. I was thinking about how Laura asked me if there was anything I wanted to know about Ben. The first thing I asked was, "Will he treat me well?"

I can't believe that that's the first thing I had to ask. I shouldn't even have to ask a question like that.

Yet, my experiences have gotten me to the point where I have to ask. Look at Ben, Ray's best friend. He did not care enough about me to date me, instead stringing me along as a friend with benefits when he knew that I liked him. Then, he did not care enough about me to be there for me emotionally. Finally, I stopped talking to him because he was not treating me like an equal. He did not respect me enough to hear my opinions and explanations. He basically said, "What I say goes, because I'm the man and you're the woman. I'm putting you in your place as a woman by not taking into account what you want and not even caring enough to listen to what you want."

Um, no thanks. No more chauvinistic assholes for me.

Then there was Ray, who was not chauvinistic, but was far worse. He fooled me by treating me very well at first, but then his true nature came through. He refused to talk about problems that we had, on multiple times trying to walk out of my apartment. He asked for my help with his drug problem, and then accused me of controlling his life when I was doing what he asked me to do-- telling him not to do drugs. He tried to get me to break up with him because he was too weak to do it himself, and then he strung me along for another two weeks when that didn't work and treated me like shit. He promised me that he would always be there for me emotionally, even after we broke up, and then he reneged on that twice.

Again, no thanks. No more emotional abuse for me.

I just don't get it. We live in the 21st century. The way men treat women today is completely unacceptable.

I see sexism quite a bit actually. I hate how men assume that I'm weak because I'm a woman. Then they see me at the gym and are like, "Wow, Veronica actually is strong. Stronger than I am even."

Yeah, so fuck you. I should not have to prove that I'm strong. People should instead assume that I'm strong until I prove them otherwise.

The next man I date will not be intimidated by my abs. One day, I will have a 6-pack. And I will proudly show it off. And any man who thinks that that's not attractive because I'm a woman deserves to go to hell.

Furthermore, the next man I date will not call me controlling for doing something he asked for my help with. The next man I date will actually be good at communication. Not only will he listen to me when I have a problem I want to discuss and work through, but he will also bring up problems of his own instead of passive-aggressively trying to get me to break up with him.


Is that really too much to ask?? Seriously.

Happiness, Day 16

Today's gratitudes:

• Finally got started on my huge paper (actually writing it from notes). Still got a long way to go, but at least I'm making progress.
• The new Cosmo came in the mail! Preparing to be entertained lol
• Got to study/coffee with Ray and Becky today. Then Becky and I went out to dinner and I had yummy peanut butter pie. It was both productive and fun, which is how I like it.

Today's kindness:
Thanked my Dad for coming all the way here for Thanksgiving. He left early this morning to go back home.

Today's reflection:
Was talking on the phone with Laura and it became very entertaining:

Laura: So Sam's cousins are coming to NYC with us.
Me: Are they hot?
Laura: YES! One of them is like 17 and the other is 20, I should set you up with one of them! But not the 17-year old because you don't need any more problems from 17-year olds. I'll set you up with the 20-year old! He's tall and thin and has dark hair just like you like!! And he's a musician just like you! And then you'll get married, and then Sam and I will get married, and we will be RELATED!!
Me: OMG THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME!!!!
Laura: I KNOW RIGHT!
Me: Ok, this is what's going to happen. We're all going to go out to lunch. Then Ben will go to the bathroom. Then I'll follow him to the men's room and seduce him. Then we'll come back to the table and I'll text you saying that I celebrated my birthday.
Laura: Meanwhile, Eliza will be telling some long drawn-out story, and she wouldn't even notice...
Me: Hahaha you are so right. I can picture it now.
Laura: You are sharing a room with her, so you could have sex while she's in the bathroom. She takes forever in there seriously. But if you get caught it wasn't my idea ;)

Omg I have been laughing so hard. And I have seen pictures of Ben and he is really attractive! And he has a 7-8.5 inch penis! Definitely looking forward to this blind date. And becoming related to Laura.



Aside from that, I had a very strange dream last night. It started out with me having sex with a guy (and it was awesome). Then, the guy became a girl. And it was still awesome. Then it turned out that the girl was Ray's best friend Jenny's girlfriend. Jenny's girlfriend said that she and Jenny loved me and wanted me to be polygamous with them. Then I was in State College waiting for a bus, and Jenny's girlfriend was standing behind me with her arms wrapped around me. The bus came and I almost missed it because we started making out.

It was so weird. In the dream I was talking to Jenny's girlfriend about how I liked Jenny but felt like I couldn't talk to her or be her friend due to the fact that she is Ray's bff.

It's really true. Unlike the rest of Ray's friends, who only seemed to like me because I was dating Ray, Jenny actually seemed to like me for myself. It's really a shame that we can't be friends. She seemed like she was really cool.

But more importantly, the dream showed me that I do want love at some point. I do want someone to love me and wrap their arms around me to protect me. It's just that I don't want to be hurt again. But that's the problem, isn't it.

High School Reunion

So today was my 5-year high-school reunion. Better late than never I suppose, but it's not like I could go to it anyway. Leave it to the people in my class to plan it last-minute on Black Friday.

I'm not that upset that I couldn't go. From what I hear, everyone's all competitive anyway on the 5-year reunion. Plus, I didn't even like most of those people anyway.

People wonder why I'm so obsessed with losing weight and going to the gym. I had to explain this to Becky the other day.

Me: I fucking hate this pouch of fat that I have on my stomach. I have a 4-pack that's covered in a layer of fat.
Becky: Why do you hate it?
Me: Because I've always had it and I want to get rid of it. Plus having fat around your middle is bad because it surrounds major organs and causes cancer, heart disease, etc.
Becky: I guarantee you that you do not have enough fat there to get cancer.
Me: Really?
Becky: I think you underestimate how attractive you are.
Me: That's because people in high school called me fat when I was this size. And it didn't help that my friends were either stick-thin or were obsessed with dieting to become stick-thin. Everyone was obsessed with being 115 lbs.
Becky: You mean people called you fat? They literally told you that you were fat?
Me: Yes.
Becky: Fuck them for saying that. You are definitely not fat. You're normal.

I know. But it's a hard mentality to break out of. On top of that, people thought I was ugly. I was teased by this asshole Russ who told me I looked like the Penguin from Batman. He took a picture of me in my car once when I was stopped at a red light, uploaded it to Facebook, tagged me, and then tagged me again as Penguin.

So I grew up thinking I was fat and ugly. It wasn't until I got to college that people actually told me that I looked really good and I started to believe it.

But right now, it's not about looking good for other people. It's about looking good for myself. I'm going to feel awesome when I reach my weight goal.


On a different note, I'm not sure how well this happiness thing is working. It definitely has worked some, but I'm still pretty much completely broken inside. The past few days I've felt really weepy and more emotional than usual... thinking it's due to the fact that they gave me a different Pill this month. Plus my hormones are all out of whack because I missed my last period for some reason. And as we all know, I haven't so much as touched a guy since Ray, so there's no way I'm pregnant.

Anyway, I may be over Ray, but I'm still deeply hurt by what he did to me. I've concluded that the worst pain in existence is when somebody you care about abruptly stops caring about you, without any warning. It hurts so bad. Ray did it to me and it almost destroyed me. Then Mara went and did it and it almost destroyed me again. I can't tell you how many people in my past have done it to me. I feel like if it happens one more time, I might not be able to recover. My heart is at the point where it has been deeply wounded in the same way over and over again, and is nowhere near the point of healing.

I was talking to Aaliya about this yesterday. She was trying to convince me that I should want to love again someday. I just don't know if I can. I don't know if I can ever again make myself that vulnerable to another person. It seems like every time I make myself that vulnerable, that person hurts me in the worst way possible by abruptly changing how they feel about me.

It's one thing to fall out of love. I understand that that happens. But why is there no transition period? You should be able to see that something is wrong. Whereas in my case, every time, I'm taken completely by surprise and am completely fooled, because there were absolutely no signs there to indicate that the person was falling out of love. Then, there's falling out of love, but you still care about the person. In my case, not only does the person fall abruptly out of love for me, but they also completely stop caring about me. So it goes from them loving me and caring about me to the next day them not caring at all. And I just do not understand this at all. I'm not sure that I ever will. It's been happening my whole life and I still don't understand it.

Happiness, Day 15

Today's gratitudes:

• Becky was able to smuggle me into her gym this morning! Had a lovely 30-minute workout on the elliptical and then did my stretches. Would not have gotten to work out otherwise today because my gym is closed for the holiday.
• Thanksgiving dinner with my friends and family. I think this is my first Thanksgiving spent with friends in addition to family. It was nice to have that mix of people, and the food was excellent, and the wine superb.
• Ray from my department was nice and paid for breakfast this morning. My Dad and I had met him at the truck stop, and the food was really good there. I said I thought I should get it because I owed him coffee, but he insisted because he said my Dad had driven all this way to be here, and I was a poor college student. Lol.

Today's kindness:
Ray was unable to join our Thanksgiving dinner because he has a severe cat allergy, so we made him up a plate with some of everything, and a second plate with some of each dessert, and some of Fred's rolls. He just stopped by my apartment to pick it up, and he was really happy that we had brought him some of the feast.

Today's reflection:
Today I fully realized something. Fred is a really, really, really great guy. Not only is he courteous, respectful, and generous, but he went out of his way to tailor the Thanksgiving feast so that I would enjoy it. He did homemade cranberry sauce because I had mentioned to him that I really liked it and didn't like the canned variety (it was soooo delicious). I told him that my favorite part of the meal was the rolls, so he made these heavenly rolls that were SO GOOD that I brought home 5 of them. Then we were talking about wines, and he remembered the type of wine that I prefer (sweet, but not too sweet). Then he was able to recommend which wine I should drink, and it was seriously the perfect amount of sweet.

He must really like me. When I met his Dad today, he said that he had heard lots about me already. I was kind of surprised at this. Then his Dad seemed to like me as well and invited me over for dinner the next time Becky came over.

What I realized is that he really likes me, and he's a great guy, but I just don't feel the same way. I'm Robin to his Ted. Katniss to his Peeta.

This quote from Catching Fire sums it up quite well:
Haymitch, to Katniss: You could live 100 years and never deserve that boy.
Katniss: I know.

I know that I will never deserve him, so I don't want to take advantage of him. But at the same time, it's nice to be treated well. I haven't been treated well be many people in my life. I'm thankful that someone cares about me enough to treat me that well.

Reflection

So today is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful that I no longer have abusive boyfriends, love interests, and best friends in my life.

But it's still really sad that it all came to that.

I was thinking about what it would be like to have Ray erased from my mind, like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. You know how there's that one memory that is so good that you wouldn't want it erased? For me that memory would be when he and I were lying on my bed naked, watching Despicable Me. I had never seen it before, and I watched it even though I don't really pay much attention to movies when I'm watching with a guy. But I remember him saying how much he enjoyed being there with me, and how he liked that we just spent our time lying around together naked. I remember that time feeling extremely relaxed and feeling loved and cared for.

As for Mara, I would miss one specific memory and one habit of memories. The specific memory would be when we went to see the thesbians' production of The Producers. Oh my god, I love that musical. It's second favorite to Chicago. And I will always associate that night with Mara because it was the first (and only) time I've seen it, and beforehand we had gone to Noodles for dinner and had delicious pasta, and it was just a really great evening. The habit of memories would be the way we always met up to do homework at the HUB, sitting there with our Starbucks coffees and gossiping as we did homework. Then people we worked with would walk by and see us sitting there and be so glad that we had a friendship outside of work (especially our manager, Dale).

As for Ben, I would miss the way that he just felt right. Whenever I slept over at his place, I would lie in his arms and be completely comfortable. Like our bodies were meant to snuggle together in his warm bed.

As for Lana, I would miss the memory of how she came all the way to Boston for my birthday last year. I told her that a Swap had been planned on it, and she understood how much that sucked, so she made a trip from her house in Connecticut to be there for me.


It's hard because at the time each of those memories was made, it seemed like everything was going well with all of these people. Who would have known that they would turn out to be nasty emotional abusers. It just sucks, that's all. There's no way to predict when somebody you care about is going to change their mind about how they feel about you. How are you supposed to protect yourself from that?

Happiness, Day 14

Today's gratitudes:

• Am now completely outfitted for ND winter! Went shopping today and got heavy mittens that my advisor recommended, as well as two pairs of thermal pants. Bonus: I only had to pay for 1 pair of thermal pants. My Dad bought me the other pair and the mittens for my Christmas and birthday presents. I'm glad he did because those things are really fucking expensive.
• Got GIS working on my computer! Got a free student license good for 1 year. This makes my life a whole lot easier, as I can now work on my final project from my apartment and then I'll be trying to get certified.
• I only had 1 class today, which was nice because the whole rest of the day was a day off. Woo!

Today's kindness:
Made my Dad a latte from my latte machine, which he actually liked. I was surprised because I thought he wouldn't like the sweetness of the chocolate chips added. But I made his the same as mine and he liked it.

Today's reflection:
Currently in a food coma, haha. The nice GIS professor came in and he gave me a chocolate gold coin, because he was intrigued by my project in the Pacific Northwest. Then my Dad made cookies, and I've been eating them all day because they are the best ever. We ate personal pizzas for lunch and we got Chinese takeout for dinner, which was delicious. I'm glad that there is actually decent Chinese food here; in State College there was nothing decent at all.

Food coma... sleepy...

Happiness, Day 13

Today's gratitudes:

• Got a lot of sleep last night. I was so tired from getting up at 6 am that I went to sleep at 9:30 pm last night. Nice! Woke up again at 6 am and felt it easier to wake up because I had gotten lots of sleep.
• Got caught up on my grading! I had been so far behind. But I'm all caught up now. Thank fucking god for that.
• Acquired a coffee table! My Dad brought it up with him. It's the coffee table that was in our living room when I grew up.

Today's kindness:
My office mate is going home for Thanksgiving, so I agreed to fish-sit for her. Her fish is in my living room right now :D

Today's reflection:
I woke up to a text from Laura! She told me that the day she would be in NYC would actually be on my birthday!!!! OMG, all my birthday wishes come true! Spending my birthday with good friends, in a big city, where I get to see Chicago on Broadway!!!!!! And go to jazz show!!!!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!

Happiness, Day 12

Today's gratitudes:

• Woke up at 6:10 am!!! Went to the gym and did full body before my 9 am class. It felt great :D Hopefully I can keep it up.
• Saw Becky at the gym real early. She too is planning to go at that hour a few days a week. Yay workout buddy! It's kind of hard to spot myself for bicep curls...
• Insurance for 2014 will completely cover the IUD. I'll plan to make the switch over from the Pill in January. Yay! The Pill doesn't reliably work for me, but I'm on it because the Nuvaring failed miserably, so this will hopefully be better.

Today's kindness:
I went shopping to get my Dad his birthday present and his Christmas present, since he's coming here tomorrow and I won't see him in December. I got him a nice Merlot and a new book about Mickey Mantle and Willie Mays, which he'll hopefully enjoy.

Today's reflection:
Well the highlights for today were the morning workout and getting to class early afterward. I seemed to be more alert in class than normal at 9 am. Then I got some grading done (almost caught up! only half a lab to go). I also enjoyed drinking two lattes back to back and then going shopping for my Dad's gifts. I'm considering buying GIS and CMG for my computer; hopefully I can find them somewhere for cheap. I'm about to go work more on my strat paper... need to desperately catch up on that.

Happiness, Day 11

Today's gratitudes:

• I'm really glad that I have a functional computer. I"m getting more work done on my strat paper, and it's great that I can relax enough to focus on it.
• Today at the gym, there were a lot of people there for some reason and the ellipticals that I like were all in use. I went on the kind that I USED to like a lot. That was the kind that I sprained my hip adductor muscle on, and have not been on since. Going on this machine shows me that I still have work to do in getting a completely healthy hip adductor. This machine has a really fast motion; I'm not used to that yet. I think this is why my hip adductor got re-injured last spring during my fitness assessment-- they had me going really fast on the bike, and my hip adductor couldn't handle a fast sort of stress. I will need to work on improving my muscle to handle faster motions.
• Fred didn't care that I was bitchy the last time I talked to him (Friday night when I was in a terrible mood). I apologized for it, but he said he understood that I was under a lot of stress. That's what friends are for-- not caring when you act like a bitch sometimes.

Today's kindness:

My friend Al had asked me if he could put me down for a reference for some job he was applying for. I said ok, and the person had called me but said that they would try to have an agent from ND talk to me in person. Today that agent talked to me, and even though I thought it was kind of weird that I couldn't just do it over the phone, I agreed to meet with him in person. I hope Al gets the job, because he's a really smart, good guy.

Today's reflection:

I was thinking today about this guy Kevin that Aaliya had tried to set me up with after I broke up with Ray this summer. The timing had not been right for Kevin and me, unfortunately. We went on a double date at a bar to hang out for the first time, and of course Ray ended up being there, which had completely thrown me off. And considering how thrown I had been by the whole Ray thing in general, I wouldn't have been ready for a new relationship anyway. Kevin deserved more than I could have given him then, which was basically a rebound type relationship.

But Kevin is a really great guy. He's nice, funny, and I remember that we have some similar interests. He seemed interested in me too. It was really cute because he had a party that he told me was a housewarming party for his new apartment, but he told Aaliya that it was also a goodbye party for me. I went to that party and had a great time. It's a shame that we didn't have more time together.

Happiness, Day 10

Well, today I exchanged my computer for a different one. It was the last straw yesterday when iTunes stopped working after a Windows update and then could not be fixed. Ironically enough, there was already a problem with my brand-new computer (ugh). The h key was ajar, so I had to hitch a ride back to the store to have them fix it. It does not bode well that there was already a problem with my new computer.

However, I am REALLY hoping that there are no more computer problems. REALLY HOPING. I swear, if there's one more problem with my computer, I'm traveling all the way to Pennsylvania and punching Ray in the face. While I'm there, I'll punch Mara in the face as well. And if I feel like it, I'll punch Ben in the face afterward.

I'm really exhausted from all this. My day went something like this: wake up early to go grocery shopping with Ray, spend some time backing up my files, finish GIS project proposal, go to BestBuy and exchange computer, come home and start installing things on new computer, go back to BestBuy to have them fix the h key, go back home and have a problem getting my music into iTunes, go to dinner, go to CVS which was by that point closed because Grand Forks sucks, go home and figure out that I had picked the wrong music folder (there had been many on my external hard drive) and finally got iTunes to work, spent time organizing the info on my computer and on my external hard drive, put in a load of laundry, and now I have a headache and am too exhausted to start doing any schoolwork. But at least now I HOPEFULLY have a working computer that will HOPEFULLY not have any more problems, and I can work all day tomorrow.

Today's gratitudes:

• I'm really glad that the woman at BestBuy let me get a different computer model. This one is apparently preferred over my other one even though they are very similar. I had thought that I could only exchange for the same model, but she let me get this one instead. This one was cheaper than my other one, so I got a gift card with store credit. I bought some ink cartridges as well as Kill Bill volumes 1 and 2, since I have never gotten around to seeing those.
• I'm so glad to have iTunes working again on my computer. A lot of people don't understand how important that is to my mentality. I need to have my music working and accessible at all times. iTunes is preferred because it allows me to play things in a continuous stream, unlike the programs that come installed on my computer. Also, I have an iPod, and the only way I know how to sync it is through iTunes.
• Had a coupon for 50% off my Starbucks latte. There's a Starbucks in the Target that we went to after shopping, but they didn't accept the coupon. So that just meant that we went to Starbucks after going to BestBuy, haha. A 2-latte morning, where one was 50% off, and both were made in my Happy Mugs.

Today's kindness:

I told Alex that I appreciated hearing his point of view on the jobs vs. school debate. He brought up a good point about commute time subtracting a lot from the free time. I hadn't thought much about that, so I'm glad he brought that to my attention.

Today's reflection:

Today I took a picture of the weather on my computer: -12 degrees F/feels like -24 degrees. I posted it on Facebook saying, "This is where I ask myself: WTF am I doing here?"

Mr. Yummy liked it.

:)

He really is so yummy. I was really into him for a long time. He lives in Texas now, earning his Masters in Music. I can't believe he has the power to warm me up all the way from Texas. I think it's because he's just a really happy person. Not only that, but his whole family seems to be happy. It's something that I never had, but wish I had.

Frustration

I'm just feeling annoyed with everything right now. I feel completely drained from the day. There were a whole bunch of extra things I had to do today that ate up all my time.

First, I had to stay late in GIS because there was a guest visitor. We're allowed to leave on Fridays after we finish our lab, but this guy came in the second half of class and talked for 45 minutes about how it's better to understand the program concepts rather than the specific Arc-GIS that we're being trained to use. He also talked about the importance of learning Python because old programs like Fortran are now out of date. Don't get me wrong, those are both good points. It was useful advice to me for preparing for my career. But he could have talked about that in 5 minutes, instead of 45.

Then my lunch break was even shorter because I went for the last CMG short course. But apparently now that wasn't the last, he wants us to come again on Monday. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be learning CMG. It's just that I signed up for this because I thought it was a one-weekend class. It wasn't supposed to continue this week, let alone next week.

Then there was a geothermal team meeting this week, because next week we have the day off for Thanksgiving, so it met this week instead. Right after that I had to go to the LEEP talk about fracturing on Venus. My advisor had specifically asked us to go to it because apparently nobody goes to the guest lectures when they come and it looks bad on our program.

I get it, I really do. If I had all the time in the world, I would love to do all these extra things. But I don't have all the time in the world. I'm behind on everything. Behind on my GIS project, on my strat paper, and on my grading. And I'm never going to catch up if I have to keep doing all these extra things all the time. Because now, it's the end of the day and I'm completely drained. My lunch break was reduced from 3 hours to 30 minutes. I had to stay late today an extra 2 hours. Yes it's not even 6 pm, but I don't have the energy or desire to do anything productive because I'm so tired. Ugh.

Plus, I hate people who argue with everything I say. People who pick out small details that are unimportant compared to what else is being said, and choose to argue with me about those things instead of focusing on the main points. My sister did this on my post talking about jobs vs. school. I had said something like, "When you have a job you have 5 evenings completely free and 2 whole days on the weekend completely free." And then my sister had been all, "pshh there are lots of jobs not like that. I've worked at jobs not like that."

Yes, I'm aware that some people work nights and some people work weekends. My main point in saying that was not to say that every single person works from 9-5 Monday through Friday. I only said it like that because those are the hours I would like to have for my job. My main point was that having a job is better than being in school because no matter what your hours, you have way more free time than in school. Unless you're like Alex, who explained that he works 3 jobs/75 hour work weeks (his choice).

Jobs vs. College

Recently I made a Facebook post saying that I looked forward to having a job, so that I could actually come home at the end of the day to free time instead of coming home to do more work on homework. I was so surprised when my sister's friend Alex commented on it and implied that being is school is actually better than working at a job, that my opinion would change once I've actually been at a job.

I just don't understand! What's not to like about a job? How could it possibly be worse than school?

Here's how the job would be better:

• No homework. Like I said, you work hard during the day (or night depending on your job), then you come home from work and you can do whatever the fuck you want. The time is completely yours to keep up with your hobbies and interests. To do things that you like to do, and you actually have time to do them because you don't have any homework to do.
• Getting paid to work hard at something that you love. What's so bad about this? That's the dream! Why would you not love getting paid to do something that you love doing?
• Your goals are now focused only on your career. Currently, I have goals that correlate to school AND career: do well on my final projects so that I can do well in my classes, finish my thesis proposal, try to find a summer internship to gain experience, make as many contacts and connections as possible and start researching potential jobs. What is the goal list when you have a job? It's only, do well at your current job, make as many contacts and connections as possible, consider whether or not there might be a better job out there to suit you. SO MUCH BETTER! So much less to think about.
• Actually having weekends. Two whole days where you don't have to do work of any sort.

So I really don't see why Alex thinks being in school is better than having a job. Maybe he doesn't like his job or something. But I, for one, can't wait to have a job and build my professional career. And actually have some fucking free time consistently.

Happiness, Day 9

Today's gratitudes:

• Had a productive day. Caught up on CMG for tomorrow's end to the short class, did a bit more on my GIS project, finished grading a lab.
• Found another place with flavored long island iced teas! I miss my Café teas back at Penn State, but these are (almost) as good.
• Trying something new. Fred and Becky convinced me to go out of my comfort zone and order the fajitas for dinner instead of ordering pasta. It was delicious! It was my first time trying a jalepeno wrap, which I actually liked.

Today's kindness:
Some of you might remember Mr. Yummy from my other blog. Well, today he posted a link on Facebook that discussed 21 habits of happy people. I went to look at it, and there's a lot on there that I'm not doing yet. I commented on the link and thanked him for posting it. I need all the help I can get really. I just want to be happier.

Today's reflection:
I had such a lovely evening! Fred picked me up at my office and then we went to the restaurant for dinner. My food was excellent, they had yummy Café teas, and my dessert was heavenly. It gave my mouth an orgasm.

Becky and I got pretty drunk, which led to some interesting conversation about uncircumcised penises. Her friend Tom was supposed to come join us for a drink, and she wanted to introduce me as "Veronica." Damnnn lol, I was all too eager to oblige. I unzipped my sweater, pulled down my shirt so that the top of my bra was just showing, and Becky helped me apply some red lipstick. Fred said that the red lipstick looked hot and then gave me a cigarette.

Lol it seemed to work, I flirted with him a little and he seemed liked his interest was piqued. Unfortunately though he got there almost right before we went to the movie, so I didn't have much time to do some real Veronica damage.

Laura texted me and said that I should "celebrate" with him. Hahaha! I couldn't properly celebrate her birthday this year due to the fact that everyone here is married. Oh well, it was nice to see Veronica come out from hiding though. The last time my alter-ego came out in real life was over the summer when I was with Ray, and he didn't give a fuck about it. Well, fuck him.

Anyway, then we all went and saw Catching Fire!! It was SOOOOO good. So good. And it didn't make me sick either, as movies in the theater have started to do these days.

Happiness, Day 8

Today's gratitudes:

• This morning people were handing out free hot chocolate in front of my building. Then the nice geography professor dropped off a tray of cookies in the back of a classroom. On my way out of class I grabbed a peanut butter sugar cookie. Delicious!
• One of the good things about being single is that I can wear my retainer whenever the fuck I want. None of this, "A retainer is really not-sexy, never ever wear it EVER when you're sleeping in the same bed as a man" business. I want to keep my teeth straight, damn it!
• This made me laugh. THAT IS MOHAGONY!!!

Today's kindness:
My GIS professor and I had a little tiff this morning. He emailed me to apologize for calling my attribute table "stupid." I wasn't sure whether or not to respond, but then I thought about the fact that he was reaching out to me as a professor, and it bothered me when I tried to do that for some of my students and they didn't respond. So I responded and also apologized for being short, saying I had been stressed out because I'm behind in everything, including his project, and that I wanted to do well on it but I needed to know exactly what I was going to do for it. I had gotten even more stressed when he told me to email him my project goals, because that meant I still wasn't making any progress on it. Really though he was asking because he's a visual learner like I am, so it's easier to understand things that are written down. I hadn't understood that at the time because I wanted to start work on the project and was stressed.

Today's reflection:
This morning went well. I slept well, and I was even closer to getting up at 6:15. However, I fell asleep again and didn't get up until 8. At least now I can reliably get up at 8, and I was early for once for class. The free hot chocolate and free cookie were nice too.

The rest of the day was kind of blah though. I'm just stressed out about schoolwork and unmotivated. I really wish they would give us a fall break so that I could catch up on things and reset.

Anyway, since I made a post about this shitty year a few days ago, I might as well reflect on some of the good parts of it:

1. Graduating from college. 5 years of hard work, and I got 2 bachelor's degrees in completely unrelated subjects.
2. Getting into my top grad school and studying with the leading member in my field.
3. Really learning a lot from my advisor. I'm learning how to set myself up for professional success, in addition to learning the importance of keeping up with the current literature/conference proceedings.
4. Keeping my New Year's Resolution of getting back into shape and going to the gym every day. I bounced back from 4 injuries, and now I'm so much healthier and stronger.
5. Losing the weight that I gained after I became a heavy drinker. 27 lbs lost, I'm currently back where I was in high school, which is nice. However I'm not done, because in high school I had always wanted to lose 10-15 lbs but never did. I'll try to do that now.
6. Eating better. The way I lost weight was to control my portion sizes. For the most part, I eat very healthy now. I try to make sure I eat enough of each food group every day, but not too much.
7. Traveling places. Got to go to Las Vegas, Denver, and Winnipeg. Hopefully will visit NYC in December for my birthday.
8. Having a better understanding of myself, and seeing how strong I am, from all the bad experiences.
9. Repairing my relationship with my Mom. Hopefully it can get to where I want it to be.

Happiness, Day 7

Today's gratitudes:

• Got iTunes working on my computer! One of my students suggested to try downloading it on Chrome. It worked! Yay. I've now re-installed everything and Powerpoint still works fine. Hopefully this indicates that my computer is going to be ok from now on.
• Lost 1 lb even though I hadn't eaten very well in the last few days. I guess this means my metabolism has improved! Yay.
• Today's elliptical and stretching helped my back to feel better. When I woke up this morning my back still hurt, so that meant I had to skip full body this week completely. I decided to try today's workout because I thought it might help (I'm thinking my sore back is a result of sitting for long periods of time). And it did help, so hopefully after tomorrow's day of rest it will be back to normal.

Today's kindness:
Two of my students were having fun during the class, and they were making me laugh a lot. I told them that I liked that they did that, that it was nice to see them having a good time as they worked on their labs.

Today's reflection:
Today was another pretty good day in general. I ALMOST got out of bed at 6:15. I was so close. But then I ended up sleeping until 8. Then I went to the gym, which went well. Then I went to the library to finish printing out my CMOST document, and saw Becky (she works there) so I got to chat with her for a bit. After that I went to my office to grade some papers before class (trying to catch up because I'm 2 assignments behind). Class went well, and then it was a fun teaching day. Not only were those two students having fun, but two of the others were talking to me about Thanksgiving plans. It was so funny because one of them asked me if I had my drivers license, and I about died laughing because Laura and I have been making so much fun of Eliza for the fact that her boyfriend told her that she had to get her drivers license before they move in together. After teaching, I graded a bit more. One guy stopped by my office to talk about our strat paper (ew, behind on that as well), and another guy stopped by to invite me along to trivia night. Unfortunately I had to decline because I'm so behind on everything. But it will be nice to get back into trivia nights! I used to do it all the time at PSU.

Happiness, Day 6

Today's gratitudes:

1. My Happy Mugs arrived!!!! Very exciting. I had this Eco mug that was really nice and looked like a candy cane. It was perfect because I could steam my milk in it and it wouldn't burn it, and it was the perfect grande latte size, and I could make coffee in it and take it to go. But then I broke it and was sad. I had to get by with making a tall latte size in a kitchen mug, which meant I had to be in my apartment to drink coffee. But now my replacement Happy Mug, along with two other Happy Mugs, have arrived and yay that means back to business as normal!
2. Bubble baths. So warm and relaxing. Prepares me for sleep, which I would be doing right now except for:
3. I wanted to continue the happiness trend so bad that I'm posting right now instead of going to sleep right after my bubble bath. Ranting is nice because it gets the negativity out of your system, but it can take awhile. After I wrote my last two posts, I didn't just forget about what I had written; I ended up stewing about it for awhile because I had relived all that horrible stuff. I realized I truly do want to be happy, and this had been working pretty well (except the meditation bit).

Today's  kindness:
It was a kindness to myself. My strat professor presented today instead of me, which means mine is pushed back (again) to the next class. I generally like to get them out of the way so I can stop worrying about them, but today I didn't really care and didn't really feel inconvenienced. I have it prepared, so it doesn't matter when I present it.

Today's reflection:
Today was a pretty good day in general! I got minimally caught up on my TA stuff during my break between classes and after class. I went to the continuation of the CMG short course, which was nice because I'm learning so much from it and I'm enjoying it. The computer lab was unavailable because someone was teaching a class in there, so I went up to the library to record the grades. I got to talk with a nice guy in my GIS class as well as the nice librarian. I did not go to the gym because for some reason my back started to hurt, but it was a good decision because I knew that if I pushed myself to go, I would have gotten injured. Hopefully it's better tomorrow morning. I came home and ate some leftover pizza (delicious) and made 2 coffees in my new Happy Mug. I got myself organized and up to speed. I needed to print out the large document for the next short course in CMOST, so that meant I had to re-install my printer/scanner. Powerpoint is still working fine, which is a relief. The only thing left to re-install is iTunes, but I don't know how to do that because it magically installed itself last time (here's hoping it will do that again) and downloading it still didn't work. Then Aaliya called me and I talked to her for an hour. She told me some entertaining stories that only close friends would share. It was nice to have that, because I'm not really close enough with anyone here to talk about that stuff. Then I took my bubble bath, wrote this, and now going to sleep!

What If

Okay. Let's play what if.

What if I had listened to my first instinct and never gave Ben the time of day?

I would have:

1. Not been hurt and emotionally abused by Ben.
2. Probably never have met Ray.
3. Not been given the ultimatum by Mara, who never would have dated him.
4. Maybe would not have been in a good enough mood to be generous enough to get myself into legal trouble.
5. Not been hurt and emotionally abused by Ray.
6. Probably would not have been emotionally abused by Mara.

#4 and #6 I can't say for sure. Probably I would have found out about Mara's true disgusting nature at some point anyway.

But I guess there would be some negatives as well:

1. Might not have discovered what it was like to be given what I had always wanted but never had.
2. Would not have discovered that I had been missing that in the first place.
3. Would not have learned that I suffer from anxiety from the way that people treat me.
4. Would not have learned how to recognize emotional abuse.
5. Would not have learned to walk away from people after the second infraction that deals with the same problem.

I mean, I guess I now have a better understanding of myself and when to walk away from other people. I don't wish that I were still friends with any of those people and I don't wish that I were still with Ray or Ben, but I just wish that all that bad shit had not happened to me.

This Shitty Year

I'm putting the happiness thing on hold right now. I think I need to write about all the shitty things I've had to deal with this year in an effort to let go of them.

Being 23 has sucked. It started out with Ashley scheduling a Yankee Swap on my birthday. I alerted everyone to the fact that it was on my birthday by saying, "I'll come so long as you all join me for some birthday shots afterward :)" I mean, I suppose I could have asked her to change the date of it, but I knew that if I did, I would never see any of my friends on my birthday. Long history of shitty birthdays, people not bothering to make the effort to come see me after my Mom moved closer into Boston, the works. My Dad made me cry on my birthday once. So I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when only Eliza came out with me for a drink afterward. The others couldn't be bothered to drive 1 mile to celebrate my birthday with me.

Then I went back to school, and that's when things started with Ben. He had liked me before but I had said no. In fact, I almost didn't give him the time of day, but then relented and decided to be nice to the guy. Maybe I shouldn't have. I'm wondering how much better things would've been if I had gone with my gut reaction. Anyway, Ben had spent a lot of time trying to get me to go out with him, all of which I had refused. The ironic thing is that once he gave up, he became a close friend to me, one who was there for me when I needed. This of course made me fall for him.

We ended up hooking up after one of his parties. Afterward we had a conversation and I told him how I felt. He told me that he talked to some of my friends and he wasn't convinced that I liked him for the right reasons. (Because obviously my friends know me better than I know myself....... wtf.) Then he said he didn't want to date me because I wasn't his soulmate because I didn't play videogames.

Yet, he still wanted to be friends with benefits. I went along with it even though I shouldn't have.

Meanwhile, I sprained my wrist by playing viola. I couldn't do the thing I love most in the world for 3 whole months as I completed physical therapy. Nobody cared about this emotional pain, not even Ben. I had to drop orchestra, which meant I couldn't perform in the Bernstein Mass (probably the 11th performance of it ever in history) and I was not recognized as a graduating orchestra member. I was no longer a full-time student, which meant I was terminated from the job I had worked at for 5 years and loved.

Lana, one of my good friends at the time, didn't even care about my wrist. She saw me several times with the brace on, and never asked about it once. She also sided with Ben in his whole retarded logic, spending all this time talking to him about me and refusing to talk with me about him.

Meanwhile, my hip adductor got re-injured, and I got tendonitis in both knees. Cue even more physical therapy and frustration.

I needed to take my mind off all this, especially because I was getting too attached to Ben. I went out with Lana and I told her I liked her friend, Denny. Lana told me that SHE liked Denny. But then she went and was trying to go home with the guy in the blue shirt. Um, excuse me, you can't reserve every fucking guy for yourself. She even refused Denny's offers to buy her drinks, sending him the message that she was uninterested.

Well, he was interested in me. I went home with him and fucked his brains out. Then of course he went and told Lana, even though I had asked him not to tell her, and she cut me out of her life. Well, whatever, she wasn't being a good friend to me anyway.

Then Ben told me that I "needed an intervention" and that he was going to tell me what to do. He wouldn't even give me the courtesy of talking to me in person about it, he said "look I'm not going to change my mind. The friends with benefits thing is over." via text. Chauvinistic piece of shit.

Then Mara made her ultimatum that if I ever did anything with Ray, there would be "Lana-esque" consequences. Fuck her for making an ultimatum like that.

Subsequently my sister almost ruined my Dad's wedding, taking out her upset about the divorce on me in the form of pants. Sorry for donating pants that I thought were mine because you gave them to me 8 years ago and never wanted to wear them since then.

Then I got in legal trouble for furnishing alcohol to minors. Had to go through the whole court process, spent all of my life savings on a lawyer, now I'm paying that same amount for my fine. How fun, getting busted for being too nice.

After that, cue the emotional abuse from Ray. Realizing that I do not trust men at all anymore and I want nothing more to do with them. Then realizing I do not trust anyone anymore.

Meanwhile, spending 3 months sorting out the stupid refrigerator issue with my apartment. They replaced my refrigerator with a new one that didn't have a circulating fan. My food was being damaged because the stuff at the back would freeze and the stuff in the front would melt. I had them come for a service visit because I thought it was broken, not knowing about the circulating fan issue as that, in addition to anything like my problem, was not described in the instruction manual. They charged me $90 for that visit because "nothing was wrong with it." After 3 months, they finally conceded and gave me $45 back, which is better than nothing I guess.

I tried to see a therapist about the Ray thing, but didn't like how they assumed that I was going to go commit suicide in 5 minutes. They were trying to convince me that I had problems that I didn't have, so I quit.

Cue the emotional abuse from John. Kicking me while I was down, saying I was a bad friend for dumping an emotional load on him when he had schoolwork to do. When HE was the one who had started the conversation with me about how things were going.

Meanwhile, having every computer issue under the planet. Computer is STILL in the shop, even though they said it would be done this morning. Very dissatisfied with this service.

Cue the emotional abuse from Mara. She is probably the most disgusting person I have ever met.

As for now, I just feel abandoned by some of my friends. I know they probably don't do it on purpose, but after all I've been through I just don't trust people anymore. I called Aaliya when my grandfather died and the Mara thing happened, and she waited so long to call me back that I don't even really want to talk about those things anymore. Now we're playing phone tag and we have to schedule a time to talk days in advance. Then I tried calling Mandy about how Lawrence said I have low self esteem for being upset about losing close friends, but she didn't answer and she only called me back a week later when she needed me to support her with her problem. Lawrence asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him that I already had plans to see with Fred, but then he ditched me to go hang out with his other friends at a coffee shop. Apparently I'm not as important as they are or something.



And what a wonderful year it's been. I have lost 4 people that had been close to me. I have been emotionally abused by 3 of those people, by 1 family member, and by 1 new friend. I got in legal trouble. I was injured in 4 places.